To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

[kikot]

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

@BefuddledPerson

In terms of the beer could you not have let ds have some as a one off? He's 13 FFS.

Yes I know that but it’s not uncommon for children to have tried alcohol by that age and it might have been an enjoyable thing for him and his big sister so long as it isn’t a regular thing and not to excess then I don’t see the issue myself

💐 birdling

Do you think she might have been hitting the booze too much?
It sounds like she’s very anxious/ maybe depressed?

@livevomitlaugh

I think you need to sit her down and tell her she is behaving in a way you’re not prepared to accept and if she can’t handle that then she should leave otherwise she should stay here and you can enjoy a merry Christmas. In terms of the beer could you not have let ds have some as a one off?

OP's Son is 13! Don't be so fucking ridiculous!

Ok then

@birdling

I was absolutely horrible to my parents when I first came home from uni. I'd been raped.

Very sorry you had to experience this.

But why were you horrible to your parents?

Some things are just not acceptable - excess boozing & dumping on your 13yo.House rules are that this stops.

A tendency to temper tantrums suggest that she becomes overwhelmed - a life skill she needs to learn but for now suggests that in some respects she is still quite immature.

However, in the best of times, University is not an easy transition for many students & mental health issues can set in at this life stage for people who are only just adult & taking on bigger responsibilities.

But as we all know, 2020 has been a shit storm for so many of us, even for those of us with some stability, familiarity & life experiences to steady the helm.

So a thoughtful approach, maybe another trusted adult may help bring forth your daughters concerns & why she is behaving as she is.

I’d suggest that your family GP is a good start. As if there are underlying MH issues, then better this is dealt with soonest possible.

Yes I know that but it’s not uncommon for children to have tried alcohol by that age and it might have been an enjoyable thing for him and his big sister so long as it isn’t a regular thing and not to excess then I don’t see the issue myself
That's great, let an agent 18yo introduce a 13yo to drinking and tell him to ignore his mother. Sounds really healthy

I don’t think I would send her back to uni. Something doesn’t seem right and I wouldn’t like to send her back without knowing what is wrong

I don’t think it’s rediculous it’s really not all that uncommon and as a one off I think it would have been fine. The issue at hand is the DDs behaviour which is most definitely not fine

Agent = angry!

You should be aware that some unis have closed halls for the holiday except in exceptional circumstances e.g. students that came from abusive homes/foster care so sending her back early to hall is very likely not an option. It's extremely difficult to be uni halls alone over Christmas with even less contact than has been possible this term, everything closes down. There will be no support at all there.

Yes, I'm not sure that OP has considered exactly what 'sending her back to halls' means; she's likely to be entirely alone for the next few weeks, over Christmas. It's not exactly going to be waving her off with a cheery goodbye.

I agree with most mums on here, draw the lines very clearly about what's unacceptable and make no threats.

Ask her what's going on and give her some time to respond and able y to o retreat

I think the move back from uni after the first term can be really unsetting. They go from no rules to home rules again and that transition is hard.
From what you’re saying though, this new behaviour is really extreme.
I’d be concerned about drugs tbh.
Hope you get somewhere with her.

Very sorry you had to experience this.

But why were you horrible to your parents?

Because traumatised people often behave in irrational ways? People tend to have this idea that anyone who has been through something traumatic will be a delicate victim, but the saying 'hurt people hurt people' exists for a reason.

I'm really sorry you went through that, birdling

I'd tell her to get out first thing tomorrow. Set some boundaries. Obviously trying to talk to her isn't working.

Drugs?

Haven’t read the whole thread but my first thought was drugs.

I was vile to my parents at a very difficult time in my life. They were the only people I could vent to and I am still sorry about how I treated them. Don’t push her away, get to the bottom of what’s wrong.

I'm really surprised at some of the comments, but I think they mean they'd kick your child out rather than their own. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable, of course it is, but throwing her out of the house in the mouth of Christmas when she's possibly hurting in some way? I would think that's unforgivable.

I wouldn't care if she's alone at halls. She doesn't deserve company if that's how she's going to behave. Tough shit. She called her mother a cunt for Christ's sake.

I think the move back from uni after the first term can be really unsetting. They go from no rules to home rules again and that transition is hard. I find this just nonsense. Adult humans can usually understand 'I get wankered and smoke spliffs in my uni house but not in my parents' house' unless they don't respect their parents or they have a dependency.

I took drugs as did many of my friends (not proud) and I’m not aware of any of us treating our parents differently. If anything we were nicer so as to not raise suspicion! My guess is something bad’s happened I’m afraid.

This doesn’t sound right. Any evidence of drug taking? Friend issues? What is her course? Don’t push her away she is crying out for help.