To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

[kikot]

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

You’ve done amazingly mum- well done. She sounds anxious to me which sometimes comes across as anger. You’ve shown her that you love her and care and I very much hope her behaviour will improve as she sees that you have taken her seriously.

You’ve handled it absolutely right - you should be proud of yourself

Okay. So you need to approach this in a ‘manager’ kind of way. First ask her to schedule some time in for you both to discuss. Whenever works for her in the next day or two.

Next, you need to get your CALM hat on. Be open to her feedback and ready to air yours. You both want to get a good outcome here.

In your discussion ask her ‘what’s going on for you at the moment’. Listen. Be open and calm. Don’t be accusatory. Don’t cut her off.

Hear her out. Then explain what it is about her behaviour that impacts upon you. Again, keep it factual and non confrontational.

Tell her you love her.

Ask her how you can work together to get your outcome (a peaceful and respectful home) and her outcome (whatever that might be). Keep Calm. listen. Work to a solution.

@00100001 totally agree. I didn't want to say it because it's so sad but yeah I've seen that behaviour in people that have been raped. I'd be more worried. I'm not saying she has been but it's something to think about. I've seen someone behave similar because just wanted someone there for them especially their mother. But it was hard to say what happened because they didn't know how the other person would react. That itself is another thing to deal with.

That's how I behaved after being sexually assaulted. I was most angry with the people who made me feel the most loved and vulnerable. So I was particularly horrible to my Mum I'm ashamed to say. She let me push her away, she let me be horrible sometimes, but she never shut the door or turned her back on me and it helped me to heal. Without her I think my life would have got much worse, but my Mum let me know however alone I felt she had me! No matter what I was feeling, she was there.

I know lots of peoples who's mental health issues first surfaced at uni, including bipolar, depression, schizophrenia and OCD

Agree with @faithfulbird20 and @VictoriasCousin. I wouldn't be surprised if there is more to come out - though I really hope I'm wrong.

And, though her behaviour over the last week has not been acceptable, it amounts to being rude & sweary to her parents, not cleaning up the kitchen and giving her underaged brother beer. For a single week. Anyone who would put their teenage daughter out of the house for that, at Christmas, and in the middle of a pandemic, is an utter twat (not aimed at you, OP, but at some of the other PPs).

This sounds awful and very upsetting- but I’m wondering if something really bad has happened to her while she’s been away.

This is extreme, aggressive behaviour, and if she wasn’t like this before I’d be doing some investigating to find out what’s going on. Has she got in to drugs? Been assaulted? Become depressed?

I’d try a calm conversation a few times before asking her to leave. Heaven forbid, but if she was ill and you threw her out you wouldn’t forgive yourself if something bad happened.

Good luck, OP.

I'm going to say it's drugs.

OP, it's good that you've had this starter conversation. When you talk to her again, can you gently discover whether she is comparing you with all other parents. This is the sort of thing DS2 does a lot. He will compare himself with his friends and get really upset and angry. I have to remind him that X friend has a wealthy family and Y friend is rugby A team and Z friend is Mr popular etc. So of course if he compares one of him with all of them, he's lacking.

Maybe one person in halls got sent extra money and another had very sympathetic listeners for parents and another got sent a food hamper etc. If she compares just you with all of them, then you are bound to fall short. Can you gently remind of her what you did do to support her? And discuss what you'd like to do next. Tbh, if you really didn't care, she wouldn't bother showing resentment. There'd be no point.

Yesterday 20:34goopsoup

Bloody hell, we grew up poor and had to work through university without any financial support from parents and we would never have spoke to our parents that way. Her explanation doesn’t really excuse her behaviour

Exactly. Absolutely ridiculous. I would be so shocked at that behaviour I would think she had a brain tumour or something. In fact I thought this thread was a wind up, initially. I can't fathom a child speaking to their parent like that. Or the giving alcohol to the 13 year old thing.

@AKissAndASmile

Yesterday 20:34goopsoup

Bloody hell, we grew up poor and had to work through university without any financial support from parents and we would never have spoke to our parents that way. Her explanation doesn’t really excuse her behaviour

Exactly. Absolutely ridiculous. I would be so shocked at that behaviour I would think she had a brain tumour or something. In fact I thought this thread was a wind up, initially. I can't fathom a child speaking to their parent like that. Or the giving alcohol to the 13 year old thing.

Yet another poster who failed to realise that this behaviour is unusual and is probably caused by some trauma.

If the DD had been like this for ten years, then yes. But it isn't like that.

Yes could be substance misuse, an eating disorder, some people behave badly when they are just about to come out as gay even. I have a feeling there is some kind of revelation. She's spent all of her maintenance loan or got into debt, quit uni and not told you, been kicked out of halls. I don't think people can change their personality radically unless there is something wrong, or something they are trying to suppress or hide from you

@kikot

Thanks for all your advice. I have managed to sit down with her this afternoon and follow your suggestions about having a firm but supportive conversation with her.

I started by saying that the way she was behaving was not acceptable and that it could not be tolerated any longer. However I am her mum and it is clear to me that there was something deeply affecting her.

After some initial resistance and subsequent cajoling from me she started to open up to me.

She says she has found the last 3 months very difficult as she has not had a single lecture or tutorial that wasn't online. She says that she has felt like a prisoner for most of the period. She is annoyed with me and DH as she feels that when she has told us things about it we have not taken it seriously particularly compared it to some of the others she shares in halls. I think has led her to become resentful of us

She is also angry with me and DH because when she was furloughed from her job in the November lockdown she doesn't feel like we showed any concern for her as she lost some of the wages from her part-time job. She says she felt abandoned compared to other parents of the people in the halls.

Unrelated to us she has also fallen out with a couple of her flatmates in the last couple of weeks and they are not being very nice to her because of this. She didn't want to tell me what they have fallen out about so feel there is more to this than she said.

I promised her that she is much loved by myself and DH and that I was sorry she did not feel that she had our support as nothing is further from the truth.

Well done OP you handled it really really well.

My DS is 18 and will hopefully be going to uni next year but we’ve talked to him about deferring a year if things are still anywhere near as bad as they are now.

I think it has been beyond tough for those going away to uni this year. They’re leaving their families, which is an awful wrench, they’re still young, they’re worried about Covid, they’re worried about looking after themselves, they’re isolated with all the online learning; it must be absolutely horrific for them.

Your DD is lashing out at you because you are the closest person. She probably feels, particularly if you’re contributing financially, that she is in some way letting you down and not living up to your expectations, when in reality it would be really tough being at uni atm. You could maybe suggest to her that she comes home and takes the rest of the year out, and starts again in the autumn? Yes you’d lose money, but it’s more important that she’s happy.

My friend’s DD managed a year and a bit at one uni and was really struggling with her MH, she packed it all in and went home, got a job, then went back to a different uni to do something completely different and absolutely loved it. Maybe your DD just needs a bit of time. She needs to know that her happiness is your top priority, which it sounds like it is from your posts, you just need to convince her!

You sound like a great mum. I really hope you can get past this and have a good Christmas.

(There’s some really vile opinions on here by the way.)

I think it may turn out that a lot of young people end up with a trauma response and some degree of PTSD following the period since covid began, so although her behaviour looks a lot like when somebodies been through a sexual trauma, for example, actually the trauma has been the isolation and everything to do with covid

For what it’s worth OP, i think you must remember not to allow yourself to end up taking on the responsibility for this. I think you need to be careful about over-compensating and trying to “fix” uni issues for her. I think that would be the wrong approach- you need to help her to work out how to fix it for herself- and provide moral support whilst she does just that. If you do all the hard work and sorting, she’ll not learn from this experience. She is no longer a child and needs to have responsibility for herself.

Also, I do hope she apologised for her behaviour. If not, she should. Actions have consequences and her explanations in no way excuse her behaviour, which was inexcusable. I also think she should be very clear as to the consequences if it happens again. I wouldn’t be allowing her behaviour to swept aside because she’s been unhappy- there’s a danger there will always be a reason for poor behaviour if that’s all she needs to say.

Clearly I have grasped that, hence why my mind would go to brain tumour or some kind of mental illness

Well done OP it can’t be easy for them all at the minute.
My DD 15 and year 11 behaved quite similarly insulting, belittling and sweary towards us (thankfully didn’t use the C word but used pretty much everything else) during lockdown 1.
We never did get to the bottom of it as she is quiet and refused to open up but it wasn’t for the want of trying.
With her I think it was mainly anger and frustration about covid, the school (so disorganised in terms of how the work was set and so much work much of which was repetition etc), the future, missing seeing and spending time with her friends people her own age etc.

Maybe give your DD the option of intercalating from her course and coming back home or could she stay on her course but work at home and work remotely. No option is ideal but if she knows she has your support/backing she’ll know she has options.

It could be their is more too it in terms of over spending in term 1 (most will have done the same) her Uni may have a hardship fund. A falling out with boyfriend, issues around her sexuality, personality clashes in her flat isn’t uncommon either, maybe nit enjoying her course or doing as well with it as she expected to etc etc.

Take care OP 💐 🍷 🍫

@kikot how are things now?

Well done OP for actually talking to her and trying to understand rather than the shocking advice of some to throw her out at Xmas back to being alone at uni, what a cruel idea. People react in different ways and no one understands what it's been like to start uni this year, you've tried to understand and that is great. Please try to take on board what she is saying, it isn't just about money maybe analyse how you can be better support for her and show her you care.

@Lalliella- She has been a lot better. We have had no repeat of any of the behaviour. We have had further conversations about the difficulties that she has had and she is going to look at potentially changing her accommodation if the relationship with her flatmates doesn't improve when she gets back.

DS had phone and laptop taken off him for a week due to his behaviour last Monday so they have been spending a lot of time together which seems to have helped her as well.

So happy to read that update OP, you sound like a wonderful mum and glad your DD is in a better place and you haven't had any more of the terrible behaviour.

Well done OP. I'm glad you ignored those taking a hard line. No-one should be treating their parents like that but the MH crisis we're having is huge, so a bit of compassion goes a long way.

👏