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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 14/12/2020 19:53

@BelleSausage has some good advice there too. Don’t rise to anything, I often just said ‘please don’t speak to me like that’. Then don’t engage a clash of wills is not helpful. Don’t sweat the small stuff it’s easier to do the cleaning than to push her away.

FTMF30 · 14/12/2020 19:54

Even if something has happened, I would certainly let her know that talking to you like that is a no go.

Saz12 · 14/12/2020 19:55

Can you ask her why she is so angry at you? Let her tell you. Then you can try and find a way through with her.

ultimately if she wants to be in your house she needs to reign in her behaviour, but if she has nowhere or no one else then simply telling her to leave is pretty harsh and very hard to come back from.

00100001 · 14/12/2020 19:55

@MiriamMargo

Surely this is a joke ! !

What on earth are you doing asking for advice, its simple, pack her bags and chuck the ignorant, selfish, hateful little madam out !

But if your child had a sudden and huge change in character and behaviour... surely you'd wonder what was wrong and try and help them, whether they 7 or 17?
FestiveChristmasLights · 14/12/2020 19:56

I think you need to look at what is causing this behaviour but yes you can tell her you still her love her but either her behaviour changes or she goes back to university (and see it through).

JingleJohnsJulie · 14/12/2020 19:58

I'd make it very clear that above anything else you love her and care fir her but you can't tolerate the abusive language and getting DS to drink.

Agree that asking her to go and stay with a relative or friend for a couple of days so that she can have cool down and talk to you about how she's feeling and what's really going on might feel the answer

Rosehip10 · 14/12/2020 19:58

what is she studying at university?

wineandroses1 · 14/12/2020 20:00

Op my daughter changed overnight, with similar behaviour to yours. We were really concerned as the behaviour came out the blue and was very difficult to deal with. We eventually found out that she was suicidal and had been purring herself in dangerous situations and had been attacked. It was awful. If you can talk calmly to your daughter you may find out exactly what’s changed her.

Redburnett · 14/12/2020 20:00

We are only hearing one side of the story. The way you have told it suggests that there is a lot more going on than you are telling. Be careful you do not alienate your DD forever.

userxx · 14/12/2020 20:02

She called you a cunt in your own house? Her feet wouldn't have touched the porch on the way out swiftly followed by her belongings.

ListeningQuietly · 14/12/2020 20:02

This term has been horrific for many freshers.

They thought they would get to meet hundreds of new people.
They thought they would get to explore a new town.
They thought they would learn a new subject in lectures and labs and fieldwork with coursemates.
They thought they could party and start to find themselves
They thought they could learn new sports and play against new people

Instead they have been kept in tiny bubbles.

Lectures and trips were cancelled
Events were cancelled
Pubs and restaurants and cafes were closed
Gyms were closed and sports were cancelled

Students were demonised (more than normal) in the press

the mental health of many students is shot to pieces

OP
Go out for a walk with her - just the two of you.
Ask her nothing about anything.
Comment on the weather, the trees, the birds
let her talk to you
find out what is going on in her head

sounds like a cry for help to me
I say that as the parent of one current student and one recent graduate

YoniAndGuy · 14/12/2020 20:03

WOW.

Yes absolutely I would pack her bag and kick her back to uni.

She has a place to go, she will be fine.

She's supposed to be a bloody adult. DO NOT take this behaviour from her if you expect to be able to carve out a good adult relationship.

Hard no. You speak to me like that, and you can fuck off out of my house before I kick you out of it and into next fucking week.

What a horrible, horrible person she seems to aspire to be - do her a favour and show her exactly where it will get her.

LenaBlack · 14/12/2020 20:03

Yanbu

Her behaviour is unacceptable, doesn't matter if she is "struggling". She has no right to speak to you like that in your home. Drinking with a 13 year old is disgusting..that alone justifies you in telling her to leave!

Piratedoor · 14/12/2020 20:03

Have you done something unknowingly to her? Does she suffer with mental health issues at all?

YoniAndGuy · 14/12/2020 20:04

But she hasn't completely changed. She's nice to her brother. She is not locking herself away, withdrawn, etc.

She's just acting absolutely entitled and horrible to both parents.

Pinkmagic1 · 14/12/2020 20:05

I think pushing her away would be the wrong thing to do. If it is a sudden change in character, there is something really wrong.
My 16 year old ds displayed similar behaviour when he had a mental health crisis.

PinkiOcelot · 14/12/2020 20:05

Can you email her or text her saying you’re worried as this isn’t like her, especially as she doesn’t want to talk. If you lay it out in a text or an email, it might make her sit and think.
It seems something has happened if she wasn’t like this before she went.
Good luck. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Beautiful3 · 14/12/2020 20:05

Tell her to leave.

Theimpossiblegirl · 14/12/2020 20:05

This first term will have been very different to first terms in the past. A lot youngsters have really struggled with being stuck in halls, very little outside contact.
I would be worrying about her mental health, you can't just send her back, where she might be isolated again. I agree with a few days at a friend's or family member's house while you try to get to the bottom of it, but please don't just write her off.

Broadbeanssleeping · 14/12/2020 20:06

I also think something has happened, 'tantrums' are very different to the behaviour that you are describing.
I'd keep going with the broken record ' that's not an ok way to talk to me' and try your best to see things through.
Uni has been a very strange experience for lots of people this year. The constant monitoring as a consequence of the pandemic meant an awful lot of things were pushed underground if you like. Some of the stories I have heard made it sound a little lord of the flies ie lots went unreported as students not being fully compliant with Covid rules felt they couldn't report.
Even if I'm wrong I'd try and see Christmas through. I doubt anyone would enjoy it if you send her away.

Original poster
kikot · 14/12/2020 20:06

She is studying Economics at university. We do give her some financial support although she does have a part-time job as well.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 14/12/2020 20:06

It sounds like there is something going on with her and as a parent it is your responsibility to try to help get to the bottom of it. So I wouldn't rise to her behaviour but I wouldn't act like a pushover either. Give her the opportunity to reach out to you over xmas and make time tobspend with her. If her behaviour doesn't improve, send her back.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2020 20:07

@kikot

I tried to speak to her as I was worried that she has been struggling at university but she made it very clear that she was not interested in speaking to me about it before being deliberately hurtful.
Was she like this before she went away or is this new?
BefuddledPerson · 14/12/2020 20:07

I wouldn't be ok with her encouraging a 13yo to drink or to ignore you. That is seriously wrong and is abusive towards him.

I would want to know what was wrong, but I wouldn't allow that from anyone. So probably I would be having a serious conversation and saying she needs to stay somewhere else.

There must be something seriously wrong, sorry this is happening Flowers.

Mmsnet101 · 14/12/2020 20:08

If you push her away back to uni and the cause of this, you might never get her back again. From what you've said it sounds like this is a cry for help. Maybe her Dad can have a conversation with her, if she's seeing red with you?

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