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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:
Lelophants · 14/12/2020 20:16

My first thought with all the drinking was blocking something out. And drug use is quite probable on top of that. :( awful it's happening this time of year. Hang on in there.

PinkPlantCase · 14/12/2020 20:17

OP she really doesn’t sound okay.

Would you really want her not with you for Christmas?

I agree that serious conversations are in order, though I imagine after a few weeks or come time to go back to uni it’ll all come flooding out.

Has been in a shit relationship? Has she failed some exams? Is she regretting her choice of course? Is she just really lonely?

MulledGin · 14/12/2020 20:17

Yes there might be something wrong but she's an adult
Throw her out

PhineaxRedux · 14/12/2020 20:17

Hmm.

There may be 'something else' going on, or there may not be. The only person who knows this is the OP's daughter.

I do know that quite a lot of first-year students find the switch between university (where they are 100% independent) and home (where they are not) tricky. Though perhaps that contrast is less marked this year because of Covid. Though this in turn might be having a bad effect.

I have a child the same age and stage as yours, OP. He has not been easy, ever. However: if he were behaving in the way that your DD is, I would have to give him an ultimatum.

I wouldn't do this when we were both upset. I'd wait until all was quiet, then explain why you find her behaviour so problematic. Give her an opportunity to explain, while she's calm, what's going on. She absolutely can't be enabling her 13 yr old brother to drink. I am pretty relaxed about all this stuff - but that's a parent's decision to make (and I don't know any parents who'd have been giving a 13 yr old any more than the occasional glass for a special occasion). Your daughter has no right to override you, and you need to make this very clear to her.

She is, ultimately, an adult. If she can't behave in an adult way that shows you some respect, then she should return to Halls (if she is able to do this). You can't second guess whether she has MH problems. If she chooses not to tell you, that is her decision; she can't expect you to play games about something like that. Either she chooses to tell you (if there is a problem), or she doesn't. Perhaps emphasise this to her, too?

Brunt0n · 14/12/2020 20:17

I'd be worrying about drugs to be honest

ScrapThatThen · 14/12/2020 20:18

It's time for a shape up or ship out warning. Calm, caring, assertive. It is not ok to call me names and it is not ok to give your brother beer. If there are things I can help with I am here for you. If you continue to be disrespectful and abusive then you will have to leave. I do not say that lightly and I will follow through. However I hope that you can take a little space and then enjoy a break with us at home.

Trumplosttheelection · 14/12/2020 20:18

Ffs don't throw her out! She's your child. If she's broken it's your job to fix her. Whether she's an adult or not, this is one of the crunch times for your relationship. Tell her calmly she can't speak you you like that, tell both dd and ds to follow house rules then try not to rise to her behaviour. It's very likely to be a mental health crisis, it could be because of some awful experience she's had, it might be because if drug use though I think that's less likely given social isolation. Whatever it is, she needs help. Push her away and you are letting her down when she needs a mum most.

BefuddledPerson · 14/12/2020 20:18

@Mooballs

Just shocked at parents recommending a nuclear solution, kicking an 18 year old out. Some of you lot are not fit to have kids if you can't support your child. At least some are are balanced and recognising a potentially serious MH struggle.
I wouldn't kick them out to the street.

I would say:

A) behave reasonably
B) tell me what's wrong and we'll sort it
C) go back to halls

Sometimes kids need boundaries, not a tilted head.

Scottishskifun · 14/12/2020 20:18

In most usual times I would say she is being disrespectful and ask her to leave but given this year and how tough it has been on uni students (especially 1st years) I think you need to get to the bottom of what's happening. Something like over 50% of students say their mental health is negatively impacted. I don't think asking her to leave is going to be good for her and it might be a cry for help.

Did she have to self isolate or did she catch covid? She might feel that you haven't been supportive through a tough time (not necessarily correct but sometimes people lash out at the ones they love)

Maybe try and get her out of the house for a coffee and a walk explain that you're worried about her this isn't her usual behaviour and she is clearly lashing out as something else is upsetting her.

Giraffey1 · 14/12/2020 20:19

Has your H tried to talk to her separately? Is it just you she is hitting out at?

Hardbackwriter · 14/12/2020 20:19

@Emeeno1

Op, many posters here do not get it.

They will make you feel it is something you have done, that it something in her childhood, and that you must be forever chasing your tail finding out what it is. That you must 'be careful you do not alienate your DD forever'.

It's all bollocks. It won't improve and it isn't anything you have done. Only time, and sometimes not even that, works. You've done your bit, she is an adult, go let her 'adult'.

OP says she's been like this for exactly one week, it seems a bit soon to decide that the situation is hopeless.
BefuddledPerson · 14/12/2020 20:19

If she's broken it's your job to fix her. This is actually not right.

Its your job to help but not to fix, that's impossible.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 14/12/2020 20:21

I agree that you’re a safe place to act out, and something’s very wrong. God knows what it might be, could be anything from a severe reaction to stress, to having been assaulted, needing an abortion or anything- useless to speculate but the point is something dreadful could’ve happened that you don’t know about.

I agree with staying calm (god help you!) and saying this isn’t like you, what’s wrong?

birdseedpie · 14/12/2020 20:23

@Llamapolice

Something has gone very wrong if this has come out of nowhere. I would be worried about what has gone on at uni, I don't think you should send her back because it's clearly not a healthy place for her.
^ This.
ivfbeenbusy · 14/12/2020 20:24

I'd be packing the ungrateful and rude so and so bags and dropping her back at halls. And I'd be informing her that she'd be receiving no more financial support from you!

Honestly who lets their child call them a C*%^t with no repercussions!!!!

Original poster
kikot · 14/12/2020 20:24

She's not really close to anyone else in the family apart from her brother. She has got some friends who she might be able to go and stay with.

I am going to try and sit her down again tomorrow to find out what is wrong.

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 14/12/2020 20:24

@Lelophants

My first thought with all the drinking was blocking something out. And drug use is quite probable on top of that. :( awful it's happening this time of year. Hang on in there.
Me too. I also wonder if she's scared of having a pleasant conversation with her parents in case she cries or similar; my big fear here would be that she's trying to hide a secret - clearly she's doing an appalling job of it and being incredibly hurtful, but I would try really hard not to shut down entirely the possibility of her confiding in you if so.
Rebsy · 14/12/2020 20:24

Some fantastic responses here she is clearly going through something, boundaries need to be set and a safe place as a last resort (relatives/friends) if she can’t follow them.

If this is completely out of character something is going on. If you send her away now she may choose to never come back.

livevomitlaugh · 14/12/2020 20:24

I think you need to sit her down and tell her she is behaving in a way you’re not prepared to accept and if she can’t handle that then she should leave otherwise she should stay here and you can enjoy a merry Christmas. In terms of the beer could you not have let ds have some as a one off?

parlourpalm · 14/12/2020 20:25

@ivfbeenbusy

I'd be packing the ungrateful and rude so and so bags and dropping her back at halls. And I'd be informing her that she'd be receiving no more financial support from you!

Honestly who lets their child call them a C*%^t with no repercussions!!!!

Honestly... it's never that simple.

I would never just kick my son out without at least trying to find out what was wrong.

I see a lot of parents behaving like kids on this thread.

pinkdragons · 14/12/2020 20:25

Awful behaviour from her but what is happening in her life to make her think this is ok? It sounds like something is very wrong. MH problems?
I would not kick her out. She is potentially really struggling and I'd rather she was struggling here with me than on her own out there doing god knows what.
And if she is abandoned while vulnerable.. well she might not ever come back.
Really tricky. Let her know you care very much but don't want to be treated this way.

birdling · 14/12/2020 20:26

I was absolutely horrible to my parents when I first came home from uni.
I'd been raped.

BefuddledPerson · 14/12/2020 20:26

In terms of the beer could you not have let ds have some as a one off? He's 13 FFS.

Becca19962014 · 14/12/2020 20:26

You need to speak to her and do so calmly. I know that's easier said than done. It could be anything.

I was a uni lecturer and was talking to an ex-colleague today who was saying she's been inundated with emails from students (and parents) who were expecting next months exams to be cancelled (they aren't - they're being done online) due to covid and some are borderline abusive. There's a lot of expectation that because a-levels were cancelled and minimal, if any, lectures uni exams will be too but that's simply not how it works. She's had a lot more dealings with student services about drug and alcohol problems with her first years as well, many more than usual.

You need to speak to her, firmly explain she's no longer a child but an adult and needs to understand the consequences of her behaviour. She's not in hall at the moment.

You should be aware that some unis have closed halls for the holiday except in exceptional circumstances e.g. students that came from abusive homes/foster care so sending her back early to hall is very likely not an option. It's extremely difficult to be uni halls alone over Christmas with even less contact than has been possible this term, everything closes down. There will be no support at all there.

Hylyma1234 · 14/12/2020 20:27

@kikot - Sorry but that is vile behaviour, she’s an adult and she’s calling you a ‘cunt,’ telling you to ‘fuck off’ and undermining you in-front of your son. How are you dealing with the lack of respect? What is your relationship like with her generally? You need some boundaries in place, if she continues to disrespect you, then she needs to leave and return to University. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.