To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

[kikot]

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

Can you get her out for a walk or a drive? It can be easier to get to the bottom of things doing one of those - something about having no other distractions and no eye contact. Maybe with you, maybe dad, if most of the fury has been at you. As LQ says, don't ask, just talk lightly about other things and hope that she calms down enough to open up.

Op, many posters here do not get it.

They will make you feel it is something you have done, that it something in her childhood, and that you must be forever chasing your tail finding out what it is. That you must 'be careful you do not alienate your DD forever'.

It's all bollocks. It won't improve and it isn't anything you have done. Only time, and sometimes not even that, works. You've done your bit, she is an adult, go let her 'adult'.

@YoniAndGuy

But she hasn't completely changed. She's nice to her brother. She is not locking herself away, withdrawn, etc.

She's just acting absolutely entitled and horrible to both parents.

Yes this, she is choosing who to be unpleasant to. I wouldn't be able to let my younger child be given alcohol.

I'm on the side of the 'something must be really wrong for her' posters. First term at uni can be awful for some students. Can you find a balance between firm and loving?

@ListeningQuietly - this, 100%! Uni has been a scary, lonely, alien environment for this year's first-years, hard on the heels of the incomprehensible stress of the A-level results debacle. I'm not condoning the OP's daughter's behaviour for a second but there has to be something deeper going on if it's completely out of character. Drinking with a 13-year-old is absolutely not on but don't create a standoff that makes it impossible for her to climb down and talk to you.

@kikot
If she is doing Economics, chances are she has had no contact time all term.
She will have been working, alone, in her room hour after hour
unable to meet up with people and chill.

She's come home and cannot go out with old school friends.

I suspect she is bouncing off the walls with frustration and anger.

Go out for walks - at least an hour a day
and see if you can get her to open up about what has been going on
and how she plans to cope with next term

Would she listen to your husband? I could of almost got past the mess and swearing but getting a 13 yr old to drink, nope off you go and don't let the door kick you on the way out

Are you paying for her education? If so I’d tell her good luck getting the money for next semester. Also definitely bring it all out in the open about exactly why you are upset then pack her off. My ds is home from Uni as well and if he ever spoke to me like that I would do exactly the same. Frankly I’d demand to know what’s going on if it’s new, and if it’s not new then your problem started a long time ago.

This sounds awful, but I agree with others she may be struggling. I had a pretty awful first year at uni (economics too) and it was a real shock. I also agree with the suggestion that maybe she needs to stay somewhere else for a bit for everyone’s wellbeing.

Those saying be kind - she is given by alcohol to a 13 year old.

That is a safeguarding concern.

Would people really put up with that?

It does sound like there’s something up OP. I’m sorry - these are for you and DD. As pp have suggested, is there anyone she might open up to?

I would keep doing two things:

1. Correcting any inappropriate/unwelcome behaviour firmly but gently every time.
2. Tell her that you’ve missed her, remind her how much you love her (lots of little positives, almost offhand worked for us. A sort of positive dripping tap!)

We all noticed a change in DD2 when she came back after her first term at uni. Not as extreme, but definitely an element of needing to learn how to fit back in at home after living a different lifestyle with her friends.

Is she taking drugs? Serious question. Such a change in personality is worrying.

If this is a sudden big change in behaviour I’d be very concerned about what has happened to cause this, and I wouldn’t just be chucking her out.

Could you leave her a note? DD I’m worried about why you’re feeling so angry. I’m hurt at the way you’re behaving but I love you and I’m always here for you.’

I have been vile to my DP in the past. Called him every name under the sun, thrown things, threatened him etc. I had PTSD and I was desperately desperately suicidal. I was terrified I was going to kill myself and leave my baby and I just couldnt cope with what was happening. Thankfully he saw through my awful behaviour and helped me get help.

I do agree she can’t abuse you in your home but try to reach out first.

As awful as this sounds, don't terf her out. At least please try everything else first.
It looks like there is something seriously wrong. She's trying to prove you hate her/don't love her. You need to keep proving her wrong.

OP I agree this behaviour is horrific, especially regarding your DS drinking. But this is a sure sign that your daughter is struggling and may be leading to a breakdown. You need to be firm with her to let her know she can't repeat that behaviour but also let her know she can tell you if there's something upsetting her. Write it in a letter or as a text if that feels more comfortable. Don't send her to uni. Her mental health is clearly not good right now and pushing her away is not what she needs. Deep down all she needs is help and by sending her to live alone over christmas you're deliberately harming her.

@spiderlight
Jeez yes, I'd forgotten the A level fuck up.
my one did not take them this year

Their confidence in the system was DESTROYED in the summer
and then LOTS did not get into their first choices due to the mess

and then they got fenced in and fed on haribo

@kikot
Get her out in the fresh air
even if she hand your 13 year old go out together and he helps her unwind
before you try
but
do not push her away

I wondered about drugs too. Whatever the challenges have been of university this term, I'm pretty sure they do not justify returning home and calling your mother a cunt. So, I also think drugs or something more serious than having to study online.

I would say to her that you need to talk. You feel very hurt when she talks to you like that and you’d like to know why.

Wow, my kid can think what they want in their head but if they call me a cunt when they come back in the holidays, they can stay in halls.

I’d be very worried too. Is there anyone you think she would open up to? Could you even speak to one of her friends?

Just shocked at parents recommending a nuclear solution, kicking an 18 year old out. Some of you lot are not fit to have kids if you can't support your child. At least some are are balanced and recognising a potentially serious MH struggle.

My dad threatened me with this once! Tbf I was being a cow bc I'd come back for a month but was bored out of my mind as home friends had later term finishes.
Depending on the distance from uni to home could you say that she needs to go back for a week? Then if she decides to act like the adult she technically is she can come back for christmas. Coming back from uni to home for the first time, felt really stifling for me as you go from living with big group of mates and living your own life to your mum demanding you're back for tea. You feel like you've regressed back to your stroppy 16 year old self.
Keep in mind this term was not what was promised to freshers and it may have been really isolating. Is she acting out because this is where she feels secure?

It sounds awful, OP, but I wouldn't chuck her out. I share the view of others that something has happened or that she's on the brink of a mental health crisis point. I think in any situation I would have your DS leave the room and then tell her that this isn't like her and you're worried about her, and ask her what's going on. I would do this every single time there's an incident, staying as calm as possible. If your calm care and concern itself is offensive to her, then perhaps she'll leave by herself, but you'll have tried. If you chuck her out and something bad happens, you'll never forgive yourself. It sounds really tough, though.

I would tell her that she has a simple choice -
a)keep a civil tongue in her head, clear up after herself and stop giving booze to your younger child
b) Get out of your house