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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:
ListeningQuietly · 16/12/2020 14:45

rtft

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 15:38

Chuck her out. Shes an adult

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 15:39

@faithfulbird20
Oh grow a spine. Shes not a fragile little 14 year old.

Shes a nasty disrespectful grown woman who has been raised badly

CorianderQueen · 16/12/2020 15:46

Sounds like she's had 3 months of being alone and struggling and maybe her housemates haven't had to work through it (I remember that resentment) and she's focused on you and DH as the 'bad guys' and allowed herself to stew and fester about it until it's grown in her mind.

BeanieB2020 · 16/12/2020 16:14

*We’ve had 3 through uni. None of them behaved like that, and neither did l at 19. I wouldn’t have dreamt of it

Presumably none of your three kids or you were going through online uni unexpectedly during a pandemic with minimal human interaction and lack of support.

titsaleena · 16/12/2020 16:15

She sounds like a total brat, and you sound like be enabler.

NotAKaren · 16/12/2020 16:32

This has been a really hard term for university students as and the OPs DDs experiences sound typical of many. No one expected to go to university and be confined to their rooms like a prisoner for long periods and have all lectures online. These are 18 year olds that have left home for the first time in the midst of a pandemic. Grown ups are struggling with the stress of all this why wouldn't some some teens will find it difficult.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 16/12/2020 17:05

Well done OP on talking to her properly and finding out what the problem is. You are not enabling the behaviour by getting to source of the problem.

If you can't afford to give her more money then she needs to understand that .

She also needs to understand that she cannot speak to you that way, no matter what. If she is treating you like shit because you cannot provide like other parents do, then she is behaving very badly.

She is also acting like a small child in taking everything out on you.

This year has been very hard on everyone, not just students in particular.

Well done for not just kicking her out though. A decent person would do exactly what you have done, and talk to her in a sensible fashion. You are still her parent and she is still your child.

MrsMiaWallis · 16/12/2020 17:22

@BeanieB2020

*We’ve had 3 through uni. None of them behaved like that, and neither did l at 19. I wouldn’t have dreamt of it

Presumably none of your three kids or you were going through online uni unexpectedly during a pandemic with minimal human interaction and lack of support.

Mine are. It's important to remember that the OPs dd wasn't behaving normally.
MrsMiaWallis · 16/12/2020 17:23

Tbh I don't think her explanation sounds 100% genuine. But you've done all you can.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 16/12/2020 17:26

You are her mum.

Be there for her.

Dont push her away.

gannett · 16/12/2020 17:32

OP is handling this really well but some of the responses in this thread are vile, even after the update. "Sob story", seriously?

Do people not remember how hard the transition to university can be? Students under all sorts of pressures - academic, social, financial. Not everyone sails through with no worries. And this year of all years - have you not read the news about what students are going through?

It's funny, I bet those posters are the same ones banging on about the importance of mental health on all the lockdown threads. Mental health is treated with the utmost importance on this site - right up til you actually have to do the work to support a loved one through the sharp end of it. Then it's all "chuck her out", "LTB", "they just need to get a grip".

goopsoup · 16/12/2020 17:32

Yes pandemic but calling mum a cunt? And rewarded with more money. Lovely.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 16/12/2020 17:33

Just RTFT.

Well done for hearing her and trying to understand her feelings.

As someone whose mother never did that - I think you sound like a lovely mum and that she is lucky to have you Flowers

Canwecancel2020 · 16/12/2020 17:56

I’m pleased she’s opened up too OP, well done.

Perhaps the reasons seem insignificant to some, but when you’ve been cooped up, with no human contact (except for a group of people you’ve only known for 2 months and have now fallen out with) money worries, a small slight or a sense of not being cared about can snowball when you’ve got hours on your own to dwell on it. I suspect a lot of us have been prone to brooding and self pity at times during lockdown... I get a bit negative within a few days of just my own company and definitely recognise that a depressed mindset makes it hard to logic things out, keep things in perspective or control your mood.

It definitely doesn’t excuse her behaviour, but forgiveness is so helpful in both directions. I hope you have a lovely Christmas with her now.

copperoliver · 16/12/2020 18:10

Don't be scared of her, stand up to her she is bullying you, go to her room now and tell her if she doesn't change her attitude you will be telling her to leave and return to university tomorrow.
If she swears at you again tell her I'm not joking if you don't change you will be leaving tomorrow wether you like it or not. X

copperoliver · 16/12/2020 18:19

At least she has opened up to you now and hopefully this is a turning point. X

TheWeightOfWords · 16/12/2020 18:22

Something has gone very wrong if this has come out of nowhere. I would be worried about what has gone on at uni, I don't think you should send her back because it's clearly not a healthy place for her.

This. Ignore the hateful and ignorant replies saying to throw her out or call the police and show some emotional intelligence.

TheWeightOfWords · 16/12/2020 18:27

Apologies, didn't RTFT.

Labobo · 16/12/2020 18:46

When my teen DC behave rudely, I give them a let out clause by saying: 'The way you are behaving right now isn't at all your normal behaviour, you are normally lovely and thoughtful towards other people. Something is different - what is it?'
The other thing to do is to mimic them. It really shocks them to hear how they sound. If she speaks to you like that again, look her in the eye and say, 'How would you feel if I told you you were a c**t?' (And say it with the same venom she used for you.) 'How would you feel if when you asked if i was OK, I told you to fuck off? And if you knew I was giving your dad or your brother something that was really dangerously bad for him - how would you feel about that?'
If she says' I wouldn't care' call her out. "That's a lie. You care. What's going on? What's behind this aggression?' Ask in a very calm and if you can manage it, warm, loving voice.

ListeningQuietly · 16/12/2020 19:06

Please RTFT

If you do not have kids in University Halls during the last term
you have no idea
what the OP's DD has gone through

its not like any other University experience EVER, ANYWHERE
and hopefully will never be repeated

RainingBatsAndfrogs · 16/12/2020 19:19

@ListeningQuietly

Please RTFT

If you do not have kids in University Halls during the last term
you have no idea
what the OP's DD has gone through

its not like any other University experience EVER, ANYWHERE
and hopefully will never be repeated

I agree.

My DC is resilient and stoic, but they have had a horrible time. Basically thrown in with people they have never met before, isolated, kept in lockdown, many of them ill, not meeting people on their own courses, not allowed to travel for a weekend home, not allowed to have family visits. NO face to face lectures or tutorials, so no older adult real life contact.

And they have racked up huge debt for this.

No wonder they feel that life has continued at home without them, and may feel abandoned. Obviously they haven't been 'abandoned' - but they have had to hold it together, extra hard for those who have not previously been away from home for extended periods.

MrsMiaWallis · 16/12/2020 19:25

Oh come on. Yes its been awful for them but let's not pretend that it's then fine to call your mum a cunt. I have two at uni btw.

00100001 · 16/12/2020 19:43

[quote CrotchBurn]@faithfulbird20
Oh grow a spine. Shes not a fragile little 14 year old.

Shes a nasty disrespectful grown woman who has been raised badly[/quote]
Did you miss the posts where others had said they acted in a similar way, and that's because it turns out they had been raped.

And do you genuinely think the best approach to worrying and unusual behaviour is to call that person a badly raised disrespectful woman and chuck her out of her home?

And do you genuinely think that when a loved one of yours cries out for help (however badly) the best and right thing to do is concentrate on just the poor behaviour on isolation. Not bother to find out if anything is wrong and chuck them out of home?

Well, now we know who NOT to go to when the chips are down...

00100001 · 16/12/2020 19:44

@MrsMiaWallis

Oh come on. Yes its been awful for them but let's not pretend that it's then fine to call your mum a cunt. I have two at uni btw.
Literally nobody has said it's fine to do that...