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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

271 replies

IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 19:25

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/12/2020 19:27

Absolutely not as nobody would know the history and background leading to it.

tectonicplates · 13/12/2020 19:27

Since joining MN, I've learned about all sorts of reasons why people go NC with their parents. So no, I wouldn't judge any more as you really don't know the reason why. People don't make these decisions lightly and it's usually for a very serious reason.

shrill · 13/12/2020 19:28

I would not judge. Even the closest of friends/relatives do not necessarily know why

june2007 · 13/12/2020 19:28

I might if i found out why and din,t agree. But with out finding the reasons then no I wouldn,t judge.

Flvq · 13/12/2020 19:30

Not at all. I’m n/c v l/c with my parent and there is a series of VERY good reasons.

Osteomancer · 13/12/2020 19:30

I'd be more likely to judge the parent than the child, but then there are children out there as bad. So I don't know I wouldn't judge though if I didn't know them

MunchBunchYoghurt · 13/12/2020 19:30

How old are we talking?

I know loads of people from all ages and all walks of life who are NC with a parent or two.
All for different reasons and I don’t judge I feel sorry for them.

formerbabe · 13/12/2020 19:31

In all honesty, I am more likely to judge the parent than the child. No idea why.

Flvq · 13/12/2020 19:31

And no one knows all the reasons except my sibling and they are even more n/c than me.

invisibleoldwoman · 13/12/2020 19:31

No. There is probably a very good reason and it is no one else’s business.

Travis1 · 13/12/2020 19:31

Nope I’m NC with my mother, her ex husband(who brought me up and I called Dad until he left for a girl younger than me and turned into a wankspangle) also NC with my 1/2 sister and LC with my 1/2 brother.

I often think I’m the problem(common denominator and all that) but am
Assured by my DH and aunt(who is also NC with my mum) that it’s not me. Doesn’t make it any easier though, especially when you get people
Spouting the whole ‘you only get one mother’ thing. Yup you do indeed only get one but if I could take her in for an exchange I wouldn’t hesitate.

People probably do judge me but at least if they are judging/talking about me they are leaving someone else alone

CantStandMeow · 13/12/2020 19:32

My DH is no contact with his mum. His siblings are all very low contact, no contact being the end goal. If I typed half the things she's done I would be reported for trolling. In my experience it takes a hell of a lot to go nc with a parent, they're usually given many more chances than anyone else would. Far more than they deserve.

So no, I don't judge anyone who is no contact with a parent. I just assume there's a bloody good reason for it.

Whoopsies · 13/12/2020 19:34

No, I have one friend who is nc with her Dad, but that was his choice. And another friend who honestly should be no contact with her mum, if she ever cut her out of her life I would celebrate.

Moofart · 13/12/2020 19:34

My dad walked out on me and my brother (and my mum) and told us he loved work more than us. Yes sometimes I wonder if I should make more of an effort to find him but also fuck him. His decision to go. We were kids. So no I wouldn't judge the children.

PicsInRed · 13/12/2020 19:36

It doesnt take much imagination, surely, to guess one or two of the more serious reasons someone might need to go NC with a family member? Even aside from general toxicity?

PonderingPeggy · 13/12/2020 19:37

I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents.

That only works when the parents have always been there for their child. Parents in this situation rarely have.

Flvq · 13/12/2020 19:38

Can you explain to me why I should have to be there for someone who was is and remains abusive just because they’re my parent?

GaryTheDemon · 13/12/2020 19:39

I’d be more likely to judge the parent!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 13/12/2020 19:41

Yes, of course.
Tons more respect for someone that has the gumption to realise that they are not obliged to be perpetually tied to Mummy's apron strings, and go N/C rather than stay in a toxic relationship.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 13/12/2020 19:41

Oh gosh no. I refer to my step dad as dad. I met my bio dad as a teen and he is just a random man i don't know and have no bond with. He's unwell atm so my half siblings have told me, but I have no urge to visit. I I wouldn't be sad if he died I've only met him a handful of times. Wouldn't dream of attending his funeral. I'd be sad for my half siblings the same as you would when your mates dad dies.

Roselilly36 · 13/12/2020 19:45

Definitely not, I am NC with my mum, no one loses contact with a parent without very good reason IMHO.

BerriesAndPineCones · 13/12/2020 19:45

I think it's rather a dated idea that a parent can be as abusive or neglectful as they like and the child has a duty to their parents for the rest of their life. People don't think like that any more. So no I wouldnt judge someone. I'd assume they had their reasons

DDIJ · 13/12/2020 19:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DK123 · 13/12/2020 19:46

My first instinct would be to wonder what the parent had done. I don't think there are many people who would go NC with parents for stupid reasons. I would assume that there's been abuse of some form and no, I would never judge.

Twiddlet · 13/12/2020 19:49

I think they need to mind their own business and stop being so judgemental. They have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors. A relative of mine is NC with her father because she was sexually abused and hasn’t told anyone but me. It’s disgusting that they think they can stick their noses in like this.