Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

[IseeIsee]

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

Nope. I know several people who don't have any contact with one (or both) of their parents. All for very valid reasons.

I’ve not had contact with my child abusing, prostitute using excuse of a father for about fifteen years, or his abusive, cruel and heartless wife.
After being abused by the pair of them throughout my childhood and being too frightened as an adult to stand up to them, it’s the best decision I have ever made.
I would implore anyone not to judge when someone goes no contact. It’s a hard decision to make and not one that’s made lightly.

This seems to be the argument that you hear. You will regret it when they are gone and you can't do anything about it because it will be too late, but I don't know how true that is. Glad your DH is doing well.

I’ve never known anyone NC regret not getting in contact with the people they went NC with because it was too late.

I know some people, myself included, who have regrets that they didn’t/don’t have the parents they wanted and deserved. There was a small amount of time where I confused those two things, but it was absolutely the right choice.

No, because there could be bloody good reasons why. Both of DH's parents' went NC with him. Both recently suddenly tried to get back in contact when his DF was dying. He saw him once and it just reinforced all the shite that had gone on so he maintained the NC. His DF has passed away and he has no regrets - it wasn't DH that ruined any prospect of a good relationship.

I think people who would judge usually are so myopic that they cannot imagine that not everyone has nice, normal, non abusive parents.

I would assume that if someone is NC with a parent, there is a very good reason for it.

I would also assume that anyone who judged them had little emotional intelligence.

YABVU. You lot sound nice. If a child of any age has no contact with their parent I'd look very closely at that parent. Children do not go NC with their parents without very good reason.

The fact yourself and your family have had this discussion and find the child at fault (actually with no clue as to the issue) makes you all dicks I'm afraid.

No absolutely not ever!
So many reasons not to be in contact with a parent.
I judge those who should have cut contact and don't more actually.
Also grief is a funny thing and guess what no you do not always regret not seeing bad people when they die.
If your parent treats you badly, is abusive, or negatively effect your life and that of your children. You walk away end of.
Personally if someone isn't in contact with a parent I wonder what the parent has done.

@Al1langdownthecleghole

I would assume that if someone is NC with a parent, there is a very good reason for it.

I would also assume that anyone who judged them had little emotional intelligence.

This ^^

@Al1langdownthecleghole

I would assume that if someone is NC with a parent, there is a very good reason for it.

I would also assume that anyone who judged them had little emotional intelligence.

Yes, little emotional intelligence but also for some people, they have accepted their parents abuse (or "flaws" as they like to call it) and feel others should do the same as "blood is thicker than water"

I have another friend who went nc and some of her other friends were very pushy about not cutting her mother off as she would be lonely and she (my friend) would not be able to live with herself if something happened. This is despite knowing her DM was abusive. My friend relented but I wonder if that is just what she is saying. Again this is the pressure I see. It seems that some people are saying they don't freely admit that they are nc. I think this sadly is due to judgement.

Many on here blaming the parent. Some times the child can get it very wrong, influenced by their spouse

Honestly, I wouldn’t think anything of it

Firstly, a lot of people have horrible parents

Secondly, I find the whole family thing very difficult and that’s with a nice family.

Do you mean people will think someone is a bad person?

I would ignore the “how will you or x feel when they die”. If they are horrible, quite likely there will be relief. I’ve heard this many times.

People do judge.
I actually fell out with someone who I considered a friend when she told me her dad had died, but she didn't feel comfortable discussing it with me because I didnt have a relationship with my parents.

I was shocked that she felt that way, and I tried to explain to her that it wasnt a case of me deciding I didnt want family, it was more of a case that I grew fed up of being abused, and I couldn't continue allowing myself to be treated the way they treated me. We could discuss the relationship but I never wanted to burden people with that.

I then said that I understood having a stable, functional, supportive relationship with her parents would make it hard for her to understand my situation, as in her mind she is only going to see parents in the same role as her own, but that wasnt the case in many peoples experience.

I was so, so sorry for her loss, and I honestly cried for her when I knew what had happened, but I found her comment incredibly cutting.

People always assume I was the problem. I really wasnt.
The life I have created for myself is the polar opposite of the life my blood relatives have. I have been left with C-PTSD and OCD from the trauma I sustained in my childhood

DH has NC with his parents for very good reason. Defiantly wouldn't judge.

No, I’d never judge as you just dont know the history which lead to it.

My friend is NC with her mother and LC with her father. Her mother is a liar, a thief, a drunk and malicious. Her father abandoned her mother when my friend was a baby and only got in contact when she turned 30 and is wounded that my friend, not unsurprisingly, doesnt want anything to do with him - a stranger - now.

Her mother is all sweetness and light to strangers but would kill her granny for a pint and a packet of fags.

My sister and I haven’t seen my Dad since I was 18 and I’m now 30. We’ve left school, passed exams, graduated university, passed driving tests, got engaged, got married, had children and he hasn’t been a part of any of it.

Neither of us will ever regret it.

In fact, he and his new wife (or whatever) reached out a few years ago and we didn’t reply. It’s not really anyone’s business and they certainly shut up if we even begin to talk about the things we saw and experienced as children.

I have not counted up but it appears that most people would blame the parent if a child goes no contact. This is a very short sighted conclusion.
Many years ago I divorced exh for being a lazy waste of space sponger (or cocklodger in MN terms). The youngest was a baby. He created all sorts of havoc trying to manipulate me but Courts refused to give him any access.
Time passed DC all grew up, once the youngest got to 18 exh came into our lives again. He created more havoc with his lies and manipulations.
2 of the DC have cocklodgers for partners. I had experience and could spot them a mile off. They thought I was going to be stupid enough to allow the partners to stay at my house (which I worked for and paid for with no assistance from anyone). These partners range from violent, drug addicted, drunken, and generally not really what a mum would hope to see their DDs with. I am expected to accept whatever type of partner shows up.
Meanwhile exh is claiming he paid child maintenance at such a high rate that he could never send a birthday or christmas card never mind a present!
The problem is that I did not think I had raised stupid children. I dont know why they do not recall that there was only one parent in their lives. As a single mother I managed to provide for my children and buy a house. Why do they think they could not do that too? Why do they need to keep cocklodgers?
When it became clear that I was only for financial and childminding use I gave up trying. I had kept up a punishing regime of babysitting and paying for all sorts. No matter how much I spent it was never enough. It seemed despite trying hard to please DC and partners I was not succeeding and nor would I ever succeed as there was a never ending list of wants.
They are adults they have chosen their lifestyle. They were given alternative choices. I was not about to pay for other peoples' adult children. I didnt want to spend eternity banging my head of the wall so I gave up. They can have the parent who was not there who paid for nothing and did nothing.
I am worth more than being used and abused. Men abuse women but your own children thinking you are a servant and ATM all wrapped up in one is just not acceptable.
Should I have spent my life accepting abuse because they are some of my children?

Its not my place to judge as I wouldnt know the backstory to the relationship breakdown, even if I thought I knew what had went on I would recognise that I probably only have heard it from one side which we all know isnt always accurate. Sometimes there has been abuse, sometimes there are mental health issues, there are so many scenarios but I wouldnt judge, sometimes people have to protect themselves or others by going NC.

No I’d not judge. There are many very understandable reasons why someone would go NC with one or both parents.

It’s difficult because sometimes you can’t give an explanation, especially to just an acquaintance. Some of my abuse I’ve never told anyone, even xh or counsellors, but if people don’t know the whole story they might think you’re just being dramatic. So generally I don’t mention family at all and hope no one asks me directly.

Does make you feel very different sometimes. My df was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness and it’s hard to explain to people that no, he won’t want to see me before he dies.

I have nothing but sympathy for people who struggle with their family, and generally assume there’s a lot more backstory than they can say.

Yes, I am no contact with DM after a lifetime of emotional abuse and always get comments like “you should never fall out with your mother, she’s the best friend you’ll ever have”

Absolutely not.

@MRC20

YABVU. You lot sound nice. If a child of any age has no contact with their parent I'd look very closely at that parent. Children do not go NC with their parents without very good reason.

The fact yourself and your family have had this discussion and find the child at fault (actually with no clue as to the issue) makes you all dicks I'm afraid.

I think you might need to re read the thread. I said quite clearly that I did not agree and would not judge anyone. Calling me a dick is uncalled for.

I would when I was younger. I wouldn’t anymore. No one knows what went on behind closed doors or childhood family dynamics.

I think some people do go NC over issues I would consider minor or normal in families, but for most people who go NC it’s a huge, agonising and painful decision that they don’t take lightly but need to do for self preservation.

I know a couple of people who are no contact with a parent and they have very good reason. So no, i wouldn't judge. I might make some assumptions about the parent though.