Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

[IseeIsee]

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

I’m appalled anyone would judge.

I’ve been no contact with my father for 25 years, due to severe abuse. I will never speak to him again. Once a year I google him to see if he’s dead, otherwise I don’t spare a thought for him. He had 3 children - one died and he wasn’t told, the other two of us have nothing to do with him. He would be mid 70s now and likely alone and lonely, which is all his doing. I am a compassionate person so I’m not used to having no compassion for someone - he is an exception.

I can’t believe anyone would judge someone for this to be honest. Even if you think you know the reasons it’s very possible you don’t know the whole story.

@Sewrainbow

No way! If anything I'd be more likely to judge the parent, if anyone but really no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, or what what someone's reasons are.

Having been through the whole you'll regret when they're gone with dh I can honest say he is a different person now his fad is dead, like a weight lifted. He saw him before death to please his stepmom really and if anything regretted going as he felt like he father felt all was forgiven when it definitely was not. That played on his mind for a bit but he seems better now.

This seems to be the argument that you hear. You will regret it when they are gone and you can't do anything about it because it will be too late, but I don't know how true that is. Glad your DH is doing well.

No, there’s probably a very good reason.

My niece and nephew are nc with their dad, my BIL (on husband's side). He is a raging narcissist with a superiority complex, racist, sexist and abusive. He beat their mother black and blue then started on my niece when she was trying to protect her younger brother. They are absolutely within their rights to not have contact. Maybe your friend has similar history?

I think some people are just unable to comprehend how bad some parents are to their children. They can only see a situation from their own view point and are saying that they can't imagine not being in contact with their own parents. In a way it's nice they had such a good experience in life that they can't envisage other people's lives being in a bad way.

I am NC with my dad and always assumed people would rightfully blame my dad for this. I feel really shocked and hurt reading this post that people would judge me for it without knowing the circumstances.

I went NC with my parents due to abuse in my childhood and then just general nastiness to myself and my now DH when I first moved out 10n years ago. I wouldn't judge someone.

I sometimes hear the 'you will regret when they die' argument. I am not denying the fact that I will probably have a very complex and difficult grieving process because I went NC, but that grieving process is likely to last a few weeks at most whereas if I had kept them in my life I would have been unhappy the whole time. As they are in their 50s now that could have been 40 years of unhappiness vs a few rubbish weeks grieving I know what I would take any day

As someone who has at various points been nc with my own parents (abusive background) I'm only vlc even now (complicated as these things often are) and am now nc with my sister (also abusive plus some horrific incidents where she ripped me off or caused major financial difficulties for me) - absolutely not!

Any number of reasons for it being a healthy and even advisable choice - abuse (including emotional), neglect, addiction issues, abandonment, bigotry (A couple I know one is now nc with their parents because their spouse is foreign and the parents were shits about it), untrustworthy (I have a relative who is nc with their parents because they are literally con artists and have no compunctions about conning family too)...

It's very very rarely a decision that's been taken lightly and without a lot of consideration and there's a LOT of societal pressure not to do so.

In my experience it takes a hell of a lot to go nc with a parent, they're usually given many more chances than anyone else would. Far more than they deserve

Totally agree with this

People don't think like that any more

Yes they do! That's why so many of us don't tell people we're nc with family!

I've certainly had people I thought were friends disagree with me for doing so even though they knew the reasons! (Which includes csa) people can be arses!

There's a thread running elsewhere on mn at the moment posted by the wife of someone who is low contact with their parents who clearly doesn't understand or properly empathise with her husbands situation. Hopefully the thread will educate/inform her but some of her ideas for "solutions" are awful!

NC is one of those things that is extremely common on this site but it is much rarer in real life I've disclosed to only a few trusted people and even fewer know that I'm nc/vlc with my family - most of us don't advertise the fact but here we're anonymous and so have some protection

I'm aware of some as we somehow figured out we had similar backgrounds (I'd love to know if there's research on this, if we are similar types of people and somehow tune in on it?) or other things have meant me or the other person has noticed or picked up on there being a less than close relationship with our respective families, Christmas plans is a common reason things are noticed (I haven't spent a Christmas at my parents since I was 16, dad is an alcoholic and Christmases were horrendous!) although it's not always for the exact same reasons.

I have noticed that the friends that I have that are very judgemental have parents who would do anything for them. I genuinely believe that they don't understand that there are are parents who are not great.

That's a fairly poor excuse especially as in a general way child abuse, neglect etc is more discussed and portrayed. That might be a way to get them to think about it? Perhaps discuss a character in a a film or tv show that's been abused/abandoned etc and ask if they should be attending to the abusive parents every whim? Putting up with yet more abuse?

My ex had a fairly idyllic childhood, his parents are lovely but he absolutely understood (as far as he could from his own experience, compassion and sympathy rather than empathy) how I felt and was supportive.

My closest friend also has a lovely family (I know them all very well I was a sort of "surrogate additional daughter" at one point but is also very supportive and understanding and has given me excellent advice.

My dd is recently back in touch with her dad after very little contact from him for several years (his choice) frankly he's lucky she's speaking to him! She has received a sort of apology from him and he's falling over himself to "impress" her now, I'm very nervous about it and very much hoping he doesn't let her down again as I fear it will hit her even harder a second time. I really really hope I'm wrong but I also wouldn't be totally surprised.

"and sometimes, physically and to save their own children from abuse" ohhh yes! My dad is an "obvious" abuser, mums behaviour is more insidious. She's very much the martyr but also massively favours my sister to the point of letting me and my brother down on several occasions when we really needed her - I'm talking medical emergencies, close bereavements and similar and she wasn't there for us cos sister needed a babysitter in order to go shopping or on a night out! Excuses and defends sisters abhorrent behaviour to point of lying to police!

She moans now that dd barely speaks to her - but she made very little effort to be involved in her life when she was a kid so why would she?

Dd is polite and does the expected things like Christmas cards and keeping her up to date with major events in her life even though I've said she doesn't have to, but it's not really appreciated as it should be.

His form of abuse was stonewalling though so they don't really consider it that bad

It really is "that bad" it's a recognised form of abuse medically and legally now too.

@NeonSparkle without wishing to sound naff can I say thanks for supporting your dh very few people know just how damaging such families are. I've seen it with my relatives' family and it's awful!

How can a man switch off their feelings for their own children just like that?

Sadly all too common my ex has been like this with dd

I've been on mn a while now and I've NEVER seen someone advised to go nc for "trivial" reasons not once. If the pps claiming this have, I'd love to know the supposed "trivial" reasons

I'm NC with my parents because they were incredibly abusive, so no, I wouldn't judge. People are really judgmental about it though, there's often an assumption that I'm the bad person rather than my parents, that I'm just an ungrateful child having a tantrum.

I think users on MN wouldn't, as they often hear how bad things can be for others behind closed doors.

In RL I very much do feel judged for being NC with my mum, I think mainly because there's this idea about mother's and daughters. I've been NC with my dad as he walked out on us, but that's so common that nobody bat's an eyelid!

I also feel like a lot of people with traditional values fail to recognise when they should go NC.

Absolutely never.
I am non contact with a parent who abused me (and continues to abuse from afar).
As far as I am concerned, I have one parent. I don't give a flying fuck what anybody else thinks. I never discuss it with anybody, though. Most people won't know I have NC with that parent.
I do think, however, that the people who make those types of comments have been very lucky to have a supportive and loving family. They are probably naive.

I would not judge. I might want to know why so I could be supportive or at least not say anything to make the situation worse.

No of course not. Why on earth should you stay in contact with a narc or someone who abused or neglected you?

Definately not... DH is no contact with his Mother for a long list of reasons...
Notably shipping him off age 9 to a Father he didn't know
Making him and his DB fight out any differences
Dumping him on the doorstep of a relative saying she didn't want him
Beating him with dog chains.... And so on

My first though is that I would judge the parents.

I wouldn't judge them at all. You never know what circumstances led to no contact.

I’m NC with my Dad. He cut me off all of a sudden when I turned 18, just literally stopped getting in touch or visiting me (he lives some distance away from me). We were close throughout my childhood so I still don’t understand why he did this. I have tried to salvage a relationship a few times over the years but I always end up feeling more hurt and dismayed than ever so I’ve decided it’s best to just give up for my own sake.

My friend’s Dad beat his Mum to a pulp pretty much every day and started getting violent towards him and his brother before the Mum fled with them both. Pretty understandable why my friend doesn’t speak to his Father.

So no, I’d never judge anyone for this and I don’t think you should ever be forced to maintain a relationship with an abusive parent.

This seems to be the argument that you hear. You will regret it when they are gone and you can't do anything about it because it will be too late, but I don't know how true that is. Glad your DH is doing well

For me, it was too late the minute I realised my parent didn't care about me at all. I can't forgive them. I will feel a little sad when they die, in the sense of never having had the relationship most people have with their parents. But honestly, I won't be that upset. I've had years of guilt, depression and anxiety, and wanted to kill myself because of what they did.

What's to judge? You don't just go n/c for a laugh.

I would not judge unless it is silly reason. Therefore, I try not ask for things that are not my business. I rather think, they are adults and have come to this decision for a good reason that is personal to them.

@Roselilly36

Definitely not, I am NC with my mum, no one loses contact with a parent without very good reason IMHO.

Agree with this. There's a very good reason (several actually) why I'm NC with my mother. The fact that none of her family have anything to do with her says a lot. And her in-laws....she was vile to them years ago. So it's not a reflection on me as far as I'm concerned.

I’d never judge anyone for it, I don’t think anyone would do it lightly. I’m low contact with all my family as they’re really nasty to me and were abusive (physically, emotionally and sexually, as well as chronic neglect). People who only see the surface might think family isn’t important to me but I’d kill for a lovely family. I’m doing it for my sanity.

I have an excellent relationship with one dc and an awful relationship with second dc. Neither of which are entire my doing. I wish it were different but dc2 just sees red when she sees me. She has decided to be NC with me. I wish it were any other way.

One of my friends has been NC with her mother for years due to the mental abuse her mother put her through. Her father took his wife's side in this. Her siblings were told a pile of lies about her also so they LC.
My friend is still in contact with some of their relations and they have no time for her mother. People can see through her now and she has lost a lot of friends due to her behaviour. My friend told me something recently. Her mother is now dealing with a situation that she never planned for and it causing her plenty of stress.

I know people who are NC with parents. Being honest it not normally done over a small thing but a number of things over a long period of time. I know people who have very little contact with siblings also due to their siblings poor behaviour re drinking, drugs, multiple or horrible partners or siblings are known by the police.

I know people who say you should stay in contact with parents or siblings but why do this when they have let you down for years. I would not judge someone who is NC with parents or siblings and I would never ask the reason why.