Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

[IseeIsee]

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

People have this dreamy idea that becoming a parent means you automatically love your offspring and will try your best to be a good parent.

And the other dreamy idea is that everyone always loves their parents no matter what.

Bollocks to both ideas AND my parents I say.

I think judging people and putting pressure on them to stay in abusive relationships (which is what this is) is itself abusive and shameful. I judge the judgers.

I judge people who don't have the basic mental comprehension to understand that people are different, families are different and social conventions vary too. People with fixed ideas about these things are usually utterly and impossibly boring, as all they have to say or contribute is totally unoriginal. This kind of person has not and maybe cannot step outside of their own experiences, and this makes them staggeringly uninteresting.

Sadly they exist in large numbers.

I'm NC with both my parents and my brother. I have been for years and will never see them again. I don't love them, they don't love me and actually all of that is fine.

I'm not a monster, I have great relationships with my husband, my children, in-laws, friends and colleagues and am generally very happy and well adjusted.

I've never felt judged for being NC, although very very few people know the full story of why. I get the impression that people are generally intrigued by it more than anything else, they usually seem to think there is some sort of terrible scandal involved, but I actually rarely get asked about it at all.

I would never judge anyone who has chosen to sever contact with family. You have no idea what it takes to make such a decision and how seriously most people consider it before taking the step. I am ok with my situation now, but it has impacted my life for sure and will do so forever. It's not something anyone does lightly.

I totally agree that the people who would judge would only ever be the vacuous type who had never experienced anything outside their contended little bubble.

You might think that but it's not so. Everyone is coloured by their own experiences. I have a lovely, lovely friend, whose own family history is marred (as she sees it) by the fact that her brother went NC with one of their parents. When the parent died recently, she practically begged me to mend fences with my own estranged parent, despite not knowing any of the detail of my decision. I understand why she did, and loving her as I do, swallowed any offence I felt, but nevertheless I did feel judged, as though she somehow imagined she had some superior insight into the situation that I in my pettiness lack.

As a pp said, these things are always - always - complicated.

Uggh the "blood is thicker than water" heard a lot of that for over 20 years dealing with "family". It was that bollocks that openly excused everything.
It's been over 20 years now. Occasionally I still waiver and think did I do the right thing. Especially this time of the year. Then something will trickle through from friends I still have there, and nope it was the right thing.

Occasionally I meet an oddball who hears I cut them all off, and is shocked because what about your inheritence? 🤣Although I laugh some of the twisted bastards will leave it all to me just to cause more problems.

And the decision becomes harder when you become a parent yourself.

My older ones during their teen years decided they wanted to get to know the family. I was so incredibly torn because this is the only family they have apart from me and each other. They knew of some of the history, an awful lot they didn't need to know. Ever. The younger one also wanted to go with them. Within 2 years the 4 of them went NC with the family.

Those 2 years made sense why they would hear from others things like it's amazing I'm still alive, the nickname weeble wobble or references that my mother should have been sterilised.

I'm LC with my mum. Only a few people know why. Those who open their eyes wide and say 'but she's your mum!' have no idea.

If people want to judge, you go right ahead. I don't need judgey people in my life either.

I would never judge a person going no contact with parents due to abuse, whether that be physical or mental cruelty.
Lots of people im sure, have very good reasons.
However, there seems to be a trend for cutting contact with parents over what seems like the most truvial of perceived slights that have happened in the past.
To go no contact with a parent for any other reason (except murder) is incredibly.
cruel.
Parents aren't perfect. They make mistakes.
As you will with your children.
Be careful your children don't do the same to you one day.

The reason im going against the flow is because My brother hasn't spoken to my mother for over 10 years due to some imagined slight she committed.

I've seen the pain it causes and am the one pixjung up the pieces
His children have missed out on grandparents.
I accept thst some people have very valid reasons.
Others are being very selfish and also extremely cruel.
Loneliness is a real concern in the elderly population.
Please don't add to it unless you are absolutely sure you're doing the right thing.

It's not a decision to undertake lightlyit and can have damaging consequences for lots of people if you get it wrong.

@likeamillpond

your post is judgy as hell though.

[quote Fuzzyjumper]@TableFlowerss
I think people are entitled to approach friendships and relationships with caution. To address only one of your points (several of them are not comparable to the point at issue) I am divorced myself and one of the main problems was that my ex regarded marriages such as those of my parents as claustrophobically close (while to me it was the ideal) while he would freely admit that his own parents' was so distant as to give him effectively no model of marriage or family life at all. This clearly caused issues of compatibility, however much we loved each other, and ultimately was part of what split us up. And I wouldn't blame my children's prospective partners for taking their divorced parents into consideration when thinking about the effect on them. That seems wise and reasonable and likely to lead to a more stable relationship if it does happen.[/quote]
But your ex husband could have been like that had his parents been married for 60 years.

Sounds like you weren’t suited and you wanted different things. You wanted more than what he was able to give. Could have been more of a personality trait than anything.

People may judge you now because you’re divorced. How do you feel about that? What if you met a man, fell in love and his parents tried to say you’re potentially damaged goods?

of course not! You can't choose your parents and sometimes they are abusive. Id judge the hell out of anyone who judged others for having to cut contact with a family member... you don't know whats gone on and some people treat their children horrifically and it is never someone fault they have been abused.

The reason im going against the flow is because My brother hasn't spoken to my mother for over 10 years due to some imagined slight she committed.

@likeamillpond Have you considered the possibility that you don't know all the facts? Toxic parents are usually very accomplished at presenting different faces to different offspring - divide and conquer.

I agree that there's a lot of talk on MN about going NC for trivial reasons, but I doubt most of those posters go through with it. What you describe in your family is of a different magnitude, I would respectfully suggest.

TableFlowerss
My point was really that we are all affected differently by our different family circumstances; that's why we need to be cautious what we get into and who we involve ourselves with (not entirely a criticism of my ex - the same could be said from his point of view: the closeness I regarded as exemplary in my parents' marriage seemed suffocating and dull to him).

I think it would be reasonable enough for potential in-laws of mine to regard me as "damaged goods" for having been divorced. It is, from one point of view, a fair assessment. Never say never, but I'm pretty certain I would not marry or live with a partner again. FWIW, while my ex-husband and I are of course divorced, we are not estranged and in fact have a close and respectful friendship. That's very deliberate, certainly on my part, so that our children would see that there was no need for acrimony or hostility in our family.

The whole you'll regret it/ only get one mother and father/ I'd give anything to have mine back just demonstrates how stupid the person saying it is. You're lucky if you have ever had the type of relationship where you'd regret it or mourn their loss.

I'm also sceptical about those that think it's sometimes over trivial issues. As well as it often being the final straw, other people's idea of trivial can be very different to the reality.
My childhood was materially privileged and very abusive. I've made the mistake of opening up to people only to be told it wasn't real abuse because emotional abuse isn't that bad and I should count myself lucky I had nice shit and wasn't knocked black and blue. As a child, I often wished that was the reality because more people would have noticed, people would have believed it abuse worth reporting and ss would have got involved.

As to those nc with several family members or all, it doesn't take much imagination. I was an only child, but I've talked to plenty of people with a similar experience to mine, but with siblings treated completely differently, or a golden child sibling. And yet even if the siblings acknowledge they had very different childhoods, it's quite often them that pressure the abused dc to forgive and forget and join the parent in trying to minimise the past. It hardly requires a degree in psychology to understand why the victim would need to go nc with the lot.

@Fuzzyjumper
Thing is, when you've experienced your own parents not even liking you, whether some random new acquaintance or colleague approves of you is irrelevant. If anyone was cautious about me because I had an abusive childhood, I'd just think they were a bit of a twat and carry on with my day. And possibly amuse myself by playing up to whatever stereotype they had conjured up.

My DC haven't seen their father for a year and a half now (his choice).

If they were NC with him as adults I'd totally support them and I'd be savage if anyone judged them for it.

I have exactly the same situation good to know I’m not the only one 💐

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

The reason im going against the flow is because My brother hasn't spoken to my mother for over 10 years due to some imagined slight she committed.

@likeamillpond Have you considered the possibility that you don't know all the facts? Toxic parents are usually very accomplished at presenting different faces to different offspring - divide and conquer.

I agree that there's a lot of talk on MN about going NC for trivial reasons, but I doubt most of those posters go through with it. What you describe in your family is of a different magnitude, I would respectfully suggest.

This is why I wouldn't judge. Because I wouldn't know the true facts.

However, there are bound to be cases where people go NC for other reasons.

There are plenty of 'narcissistic' adult children out there.
It goes both ways.
It's as well to remember that.

@TrainspottingWelsh

Indeed. And that's fine. No one's asking us to be buddies! I doubt you'd know what I thought anyway, if you met me. As I say, I wouldn't comment. I'd be perfectly pleasant and polite if you were a colleague or a neighbour or whatever. I was answering the question that was posed by the OP.

How can you judge? My dad was never around and I only ever ran into him by accident. He died alone unexpectedly and we found out through a police next of kin appeal in the papers. It sounds dreadful, and of course we were judged and it wasn’t nice. It didn’t have to be that way for him.

I wish I was NC with my family but I have to stay here for reasons without my control when your own father calls you a fucking bastard and spits in your face I wish I had never moved back he is just a nasty old man