Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

271 replies

IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 19:25

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

OP posts:
Juniperandrage · 13/12/2020 21:49

@Frankley

Many on here blaming the parent. Some times the child can get it very wrong, influenced by their spouse
Maybe sometimes, but mostly not. In my experience a parent has to absolutely break you before you contemplate going NC with them
ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 13/12/2020 21:53

I agree that it’s a rare child who would forego a good relationship with a parent. Maybe due to severe mental health issues or they might be kept away by an abusive partner, but that’s different.

SunshineCake · 13/12/2020 21:55

There is no societal stigma against adults who don't see their parents Hmm.

I wish the word would be banned. I am sick of people saying "get rid of the stigma of mental health difficulties" or any other condition. Anyone who says it just perpetuates it.

Tatapie · 13/12/2020 21:56

No. I would trust their judgment. End of.

DontStopThinkingAboutTomorrow · 13/12/2020 21:57

I think some people do go NC over issues I would consider minor or normal in families, but for most people who go NC it’s a huge, agonising and painful decision that they don’t take lightly but need to do for self preservation

If it's something that other people would consider minor, I'd bet money that it's just the straw that broke the camels back, and there are a lot of minor things that eventually blew up- or the person is minimising to avoid going into too much detail.

Brighterthansunflowers · 13/12/2020 21:57

I wouldn’t judge them, I would assume the parent had really hurt them

Al1langdownthecleghole · 13/12/2020 21:57

That some, probably most, people are able to accept their parents flaws may be to their credit.

I doubt many go no contact because of “flaws” though.

I am concerned that your friend OP, exited an abusive relationship and was persuaded to go back by so called friends.

We have mostly left behind the days when women were encouraged to stay with abusive partners “for the sake of the children”. Why is it so different when people leave abusive parents behind?

Juniperandrage · 13/12/2020 21:58

There is no societal stigma against adults who don't see their parents

There, really, really, is. People have actually got really angry with me for it

SinkGirl · 13/12/2020 21:59

As for the “you’ll regret it when they are gone”, I have no doubt I will feel regret. Regret that I didn’t have a better father, that when my mum died I was left with no parents as far as I’m concerned, that I’ve had no decent father figure and my children have no grandparents on my side. But I will never regret cutting him out of my life.

It’s like how I get really upset at films where adults reconnect with an absent parent. I feel sad that such a thing isn’t possible, that there isn’t a great man out there for me to reconnect with. That is sad. The whole thing is sad, and I feel sadness and regret that things are what they are. When he’s dead I suspect I will mainly feel relief, if I ever find out about it.

WorrierorWarrior · 13/12/2020 22:00

In my experience it takes a lot and a very long time for a mother to realise that the DC are adults and entitled to make their decisions even if they are damaging themselves.
As adults I expect my own DC to know the reality of the past
As adults I dont expect them to think it is acceptable to bring the uninvited exh to my house or for him to be at their houses when I am expected/invited to visit. (I never have just turned up)
Can PP here not see that this is a two way street. Sometimes it could be either side who get things wrong. Why is there this belief that the parent is always wrong? Most of the former DCs are now Adults

Gilead · 13/12/2020 22:00

There are four of us, all over fifty. I am no contact, two are low contact and one is tied to his 85 year old mother’s apron strings. She is still a vicious nasty woman and I will not regret being n/c when she dies.

Julestherabbit · 13/12/2020 22:00

I didn’t realise NC was a thing until I started reading MN. I always think it’s very sad.

GrandTheftWalrus · 13/12/2020 22:01

I would judge the parent not the child.

bombymobey · 13/12/2020 22:02

Why is there this belief that the parent is always wrong? Most of the former DCs are now Adults

Imo it's largely the parent who has caused the problem by the very fact the dc were children at one point. Often it's upon reaching adulthood that the children have the freedom & awareness to go LC/NC.

FoxInABox · 13/12/2020 22:05

I wonder about this as I have a brother who myself, my siblings, and DM have been zero contact with for over 20 years. He made my childhood a nightmare and left me with many fears. I have heard on the grapevine he is only allowed supervised access with his child (who we have also never met). I often wonder if his child’s mother never thought it was a red flag that he had no contact at all with his family, but then knowing where he got his income from I doubt she had many qualms about things like that anyway.
I don’t think I necessarily would judge someone who is zero contact, or at least without knowing the reasons- although I suppose you never get the full story (I can very much imagine my brother making out we were all at fault).

Jinglealltheway22 · 13/12/2020 22:05

No I wouldn't but then I'm NC with my M and then by proxy my entire family - as otherwise the issues would never end and I'd spend my life dealing with flying monkeys.

People do judge - almost everyone does. They looked shocked and say "but she's your mum"... "but surely you'll make it up".

There are a lot of people with abusive parents but not many who make the leap to cut them out.

The relationship between parent and child is not sacred - it has to be earned, just like any other relationship.

bombymobey · 13/12/2020 22:08

IME going NC is only done after years of suffering, attempts at making the relationship work and huge amounts of soul searching, have never met anyone who did it for giggles or because they couldn't be bothered to keep in touch with loving parents.

I agree. I know a fair few people who probably should be NC so I don't think it's an easy decision at all.

Mydogmylife · 13/12/2020 22:14

The people I would be judging in this situation would I'm afraid be your DS and DM. If your DS friend has gone NC that's her business and she should not have to explain why to your family members. They seem to be lacking in any empathy as to why she's made that decision, and that not everyone's family life is a happy one.

HotPenguin · 13/12/2020 22:24

I'm NC with my father, the reasons seem minor compared to some of the stories of abuse on this thread, but his behaviour ruined my life for many years and I'm so better off without him.

My F walked out the family home when I was 11, literally just went without saying anything. He was awful to my mum and used money to get at her, she didn't have a job when he left. I saw and heard a lot that I shouldn't have at that age. He would randomly turn up with presents every now and then, but I never knew where he was or had any way of contacting him. It was all on his terms.

Eventually he moved abroad with his new partner. I decided to get in touch with him before he left as it would probably be my last chance to speak to him about what happened. He started telling me that he still loved my mum Confused at that point I realised he was a self-absorbed drama queen with no concern for anyone else's feelings whatsoever.

Yes it wouldn't cost me anything to drop him the odd Xmas card, but honestly, I just think why should I? There are other people in my life who have been amazing and I would rather concentrate on those relationships that bring me something positive.

WorrierorWarrior · 13/12/2020 22:29

@bombymobey
"Imo it's largely the parent who has caused the problem by the very fact the dc were children at one point. Often it's upon reaching adulthood that the children have the freedom & awareness to go LC/NC."

You could be right if you take the absent other parent into account and on records as having been manipulative. He is a known confidence trickster and dodger of responsibility. I suppose I thought my DC would have been wise enough to see through the lies. More for their own good than for mine. I see him for what he is exactly and stand by my decision to divorce him.

Fatladyslim · 13/12/2020 22:35

I know a lot of people from a lot of different cultures and backgrounds and never heard thus judgement before.
However, I do appreciate some cultures are very hot on respect within families but I've never personally known anyone from thoseb backgrounds not having relationships with their parents so it may just not have come up 🤷‍♀️

bombymobey · 13/12/2020 22:45

@WorrierorWarrior Of course you we're right to divorce him. I think its really complicated.

My aunt & uncle went through a very bad marriage/bitter divorce &!my cousin really struggled because she always got on better with her dad & clashed with her mum. My aunt was right to send him packing but in some ways it was very hard for my cousin to accept & it was easier for her to blame her mum. Her dad came back into her life for a bit when she was older & she kind of "bought" his story as it was easier for her to process. It was only really once he let her down a fair few times & she got older she really understood it all. She feels awful for how she blamed her mum but that was just how she processed it as a teen.

baublesforme · 13/12/2020 22:51

I'm NC with my dad. Because when he split with my mum he blamed me, he took everything out on me. He would vent to me, slag my mum off, put me in the middle of their arguments, it made me miserable so in the end I had to cut contact with him, at least for now. It hurts, I hate it but sometimes it's just necessary.

WorrierorWarrior · 13/12/2020 23:05

@bombymobey
Thank you for that update on your experiences.
I know that if I had not divorced exh my DC would have had a lot less in their lives. He hated me spending money on them. That would be my money as he only ever ran up debts.
I just dont want the same abuses happening to me again. I even get the same criticisms gaslighting and coercion from my DC practically word for word.
Exh was very old fashioned about him being head of MY house but modern enough to live off a woman. He treats my DC and DGC as if they are Victorians.
As adults my DC are responsible for their children and it is time they wondered why I was given sole custody and no access when they were young and take steps to ensure nothing bad happens to their DC. There is more but it is too outing for now. I have serious concerns for good reasons and have some evidence. It is such a worry.
I only want the best for my DC and DGC and from experience I dont think they will get that from exh or others like him. I hope my DC see through his smokescreen

nevernotstruggling · 13/12/2020 23:08

I was nc with my father for 10 years before his death in 2016. I was cut out of the will too.

I cut contact first a while due to his behaviour frankly my while life but during this time i had dd1. Something clicked and I realised I never wanted dd to think she had to make nice with monsters. I couldn't cut him off for me but I could for her.

I have no regrets. My sisters hate me for it but they don't get it. It's ok. I forgive them.

I would fully understand others being nc with parents.