Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

[IseeIsee]

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

@Wannakisstheteacher

I like the way that already having the disadvantage of having the sort of parents you need to go NC with makes you a 'less desirable' person for some posters. Smacks a little bit of victim blaming to me.

I totally agree that the people who would judge would only ever be the vacuous type who had never experienced anything outside their contended little bubble.

Yep, spot on.

@PillowPrincess

Try it with other situations. You've been fired from a couple of jobs. How do prospective employers respond to that? Even if it absolutely wasn't your fault (according to you)?

A job and parents are not the same. Yes the poster who said simplistic is spot on. You're very naive to think any family has no drama or problems. You can be in touch calling mum every day but your family is causing you no end of problems even getting you into debt, ruining your mental health, causing you problems with police. But no as long as you aren't nc then that's fine, eh?
Who doesn't have baggage? Staying in contact with a nasty family is a way bigger baggage than cutting them off. A person that goes NC doesn't do it lightly and is usually a very strong and resilient person who knows their own mind and right from wrong. Family is never a selling point, there id often hidden toxic dynamics that you dont see due to being conditioned or being too far out going on appearances.
Anyway i actually prefer people that speak up with their judgement like you because i too know to avoid them. Works for us both.

Another great post.

I was NC with my mother for about 18 years before she died. No regrets whatsoever, it was absolutely necessary for my survival and that is not hyperbole. But do people around me a) know that at all, and b) know the reasons why? No, not usually, it very rarely comes up and I don't volunteer that we were NC. And no, very, very rarely does anyone know the painful details. I've not told the whole story to anyone, not my two therapists (though I spoke to both about some of what happened) and not my lovely partner, though he understands and always supported me. It's too uncomfortable for many people, like you're holding this horrible mirror up to them of how horrendous people can be to their own children. And they can't handle it, so they fall back on the happy families tropes to make themselves feel better. As others have said, you only get one mother - and thank fuck for that in my case.

Now I work in a hospital I don't judge people over their family relationships having experienced a dysfunctional wider family myself.

No, I wouldn't judge. But I definitely feel judged about the fact my eldest stepdaughter went nc with dh 9 years ago when she was 14. I no longer bend over backwards attempting to understand or explain and justify the situation. It was her choice and we did everything we could to put things right. I just go simply with "it was heartbreaking and we hope that one day she'll come back". A very difficult situation all round, particularly when we have an amazing relationship with my other stepdaughter.

To the OP who says it can be the spouse/partners fault I would like to say that if my DH ever goes NC with his parents they will 100% say it is my fault and in a way it is because I am the first person who has ever pointed out the shit and says that is not right. They think they are good parents because they always had food, clothes, presents but what they never got was love, encouragement, support, understanding and acceptance. So while he was not physically abused he is sometimes a lost little boy trying to get his parents approval and acceptance. I have shown him he does not need it, they we adore him, he is a good person and it is ok for him to not always do as his parents want. Sometimes I wish he would go NC for his sanity but I think that would be too hard for him so I don't say it but if he did it would be my fault because obviously DH cannot think for himself according to them.

No, I wouldn’t judge them.

I wouldn't judge anyone, but I know that unfortunately people do.

DH has had a few friends suggest he gets back in contact with his parents. They all have really supportive, caring parents who take them on holiday, care about seeing the GC and generally like their kids.

I had a friend who suggested we give it another go - to be the bigger person and just control my emotions more (although she herself was NC with someone). We had quite a few second chances with his family and I really couldn't bring their constant dysfunction and desire to argue back into our lives.

I wouldn't, but I know a lot of people do. Generally, in my experience, they have two characteristics. First, they come from loving, caring families where their needs were always met. Secondly, they don't hae the empathy or imagination to imagine what an alternative family might look/feel like.

I'm nc with my mother. I've had people judge or comment about one day you will regret tha or but she's your mum! 🙄

Honestly? It depends what you mean by judge. People’s family relationships are their own affair unless I am personally involved. If someone such as a colleague I don’t know well were to mention in passing that he or she had no contact with a parent or other close family members, I wouldn’t think it was my business and I wouldn’t comment. But I wouldn’t forget it, and would think it was probably wise to be mildly wary of being more than an acquaintance, on the basis that the person could possibly be quite difficult.

I would regard it as a red flag in someone with whom I was contemplating a relationship.

It isn’t that the adult child rather than the parent is bound to be at fault, obviously. It’s rather that these things are always – always – complicated, and even someone who is what might be called the innocent victim of someone else’s bad behaviour is likely to be adversely affected in how they behave in close relationships. And certainly someone who has no contact at all with any close family members has at best no way to demonstrate an ability to maintain long-lasting good family relationships, and at worst may well have something to hide.

If an NC with my parents for good reason. I'm proud of the fact their abuse of me didn't continue to my kids generation. I hate the saying "Blood is thicker than water" as it is often used as an excuse for dysfunction and abuse to continue into further generations. People who have supportive and kind families are very lucky

My oldest is NC with his Dad and people assume it's because of me as his younger siblings see their Dad. I'm not bothered what others think but it's tiresome that people assume that I manipulated ds when he's so headstrong and stubborn so can't even be manipulated to bring me a cup of coffee

It is very sad when a parent is crap. Everybody deserves great parent/parents. When they are crap you need to protect yourself sometimes and that might be by going NC.

@verticality

I wouldn't, but I know a lot of people do. Generally, in my experience, they have two characteristics. First, they come from loving, caring families where their needs were always met. Secondly, they don't hae the empathy or imagination to imagine what an alternative family might look/feel like.

^^ Massively this. These people assume that their family is the norm when they are the ideal. They assume that fallouts in both types of families are similar and talking it out and apologies can sort it out.

It's not a shame when people are NC. It's about surviving and protecting oneself from being constantly let down by the people who should be building you up.

Would you always believe the parent is at fault? What if the adult child has mental health issues or drug or alcohol abuse and say that their parent is abusive?

Lots of people who are NC have mental health issues and drug issues because their parent(s) were abusive

Nope, unless you've lived what they've lived, you're not in a position to judge. MY DH was NC with his mother when she died, because she had treated him very badly.
I wish I was NC with my mother, who was atrociously cruel to me, but I still want to see my father, so we're low contact. Also, since DH has been on the scene, she is much better behaved.
I am aware though that some people just can't imagine quite how badly some parents treat their chilldren (lucky them).
I woud never question anyone's choice

@Fuzzyjumper

Honestly? It depends what you mean by judge. People’s family relationships are their own affair unless I am personally involved. If someone such as a colleague I don’t know well were to mention in passing that he or she had no contact with a parent or other close family members, I wouldn’t think it was my business and I wouldn’t comment. But I wouldn’t forget it, and would think it was probably wise to be mildly wary of being more than an acquaintance, on the basis that the person could possibly be quite difficult.

I would regard it as a red flag in someone with whom I was contemplating a relationship.

It isn’t that the adult child rather than the parent is bound to be at fault, obviously. It’s rather that these things are always – always – complicated, and even someone who is what might be called the innocent victim of someone else’s bad behaviour is likely to be adversely affected in how they behave in close relationships. And certainly someone who has no contact at all with any close family members has at best no way to demonstrate an ability to maintain long-lasting good family relationships, and at worst may well have something to hide.

This kind of lack of both empathy and sympathy would be a red flag to me. "Could possibly be quite difficult", are you serious.

In my experience it has been noteworthy that a lot of the language trotted out by judgmental types - "family comes first", "you have a duty to them" etc etc - reflects the things the emotionally abusive parents said in the first place. At the heart of it is placing much more importance on how things "should" be than on how things/people/children actually are.

At first glance I would feel sad for them, not judge them.

You know, I feel shitty enough about myself that when my father walked out on my mother, he chose to also cut himself off from anything that reminded him of her, including me. So, judge away. Whatever you are thinking about me I can guarantee won't be as badly as I've thought about myself over the years.

@Fairystory

Would you always believe the parent is at fault? What if the adult child has mental health issues or drug or alcohol abuse and say that their parent is abusive?

Of course not. Sometimes parents need to go NC for their safety /sanity and sometimes the child has been unreasonable.

I would assume a lot of pain is behind that decision and as a stranger I really wouldn't judge. The fact that OP's son and mum think it's something that he'll regret is due to them living with supportive family and not being able to imagine circumstances where people would go NC. The equivalent is a child not being able to understand how lucky they are to have hot meals, roof over their head etc I'm not saying that they should go without but they are in a privileged position of not understand what it's like to live in scarier circumstances.

I am estranged from my parents and I've asked my siblings not to tell me if they pass away. I can honestly say I will not shed a tear or care as much as a stranger's passing.

I have no contact with my mum. For 5 years now.
I tried to kill myself becuase of her lies and manipulation.
I nearly left my children with no mother because of her.
She can rot in hell for all I care and I dont give a flying hoot who thinks this is bad or wrong.

Until you can walk a mile in someone’s shoes nobody has the right to judge.

@Fuzzyjumper

Honestly? It depends what you mean by judge. People’s family relationships are their own affair unless I am personally involved. If someone such as a colleague I don’t know well were to mention in passing that he or she had no contact with a parent or other close family members, I wouldn’t think it was my business and I wouldn’t comment. But I wouldn’t forget it, and would think it was probably wise to be mildly wary of being more than an acquaintance, on the basis that the person could possibly be quite difficult.

I would regard it as a red flag in someone with whom I was contemplating a relationship.

It isn’t that the adult child rather than the parent is bound to be at fault, obviously. It’s rather that these things are always – always – complicated, and even someone who is what might be called the innocent victim of someone else’s bad behaviour is likely to be adversely affected in how they behave in close relationships. And certainly someone who has no contact at all with any close family members has at best no way to demonstrate an ability to maintain long-lasting good family relationships, and at worst may well have something to hide.

Hmmm I agree with the other poster that thinks this attitude would be a red flag.

It was also be a red flag for me in any potential partner that would hold such prejudiced views.

Are you the type of person that judges people from lower income families and would be wary of getting involved with them too? (Because you know they obviously didn’t stick in at school 🙄)

Or would it put you off getting with someone whose parents were separated? ‘Broken home’ and you’d be worried about that affecting you?

Or if they were from a council estate? Would that concern you- you know, because they’ll potentially know all sorts of undesirables?

Can you see how ridiculous the above sounds when making judgments based on other peoples lives? It’s insane

I am NC with my dad. He was a useless dad and a multiple convicted felon, he fathered 4 other children after me with 3 different women and provides for none of them. He takes and sells drugs and has been convicted for other crimes that have ruined lives. I don't agree with his lifestyle and I don't want him as a role model to my DS.

I have never felt judged by anyone, it's not something I announce to everyone I meet but my friends all know and no one has ever even mentioned it.

Oh and I certainly don't regret it, I was 11 when I went NC with him and I am now 30, I do not miss him and barely even think about him. He's essentially a stranger. He added nothing to my life. I will not cry when he dies.

@TableFlowerss
I think people are entitled to approach friendships and relationships with caution. To address only one of your points (several of them are not comparable to the point at issue) I am divorced myself and one of the main problems was that my ex regarded marriages such as those of my parents as claustrophobically close (while to me it was the ideal) while he would freely admit that his own parents' was so distant as to give him effectively no model of marriage or family life at all. This clearly caused issues of compatibility, however much we loved each other, and ultimately was part of what split us up. And I wouldn't blame my children's prospective partners for taking their divorced parents into consideration when thinking about the effect on them. That seems wise and reasonable and likely to lead to a more stable relationship if it does happen.