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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

271 replies

IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 19:25

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 13/12/2020 19:50

Nope. Not one bit.

And after many years on MN, I realise just how vile some so called parents can be...you only get one biological mother & father, but plenty of other people can live you & be there fir you when your parents fail you and you owe them nothing as they are.

Your DS & your Mum have NO idea why she's NC with her Dad, and it's up to her if she ever wants to talk about it. Until then they just need to respect that she has her own private reasons & doesn't need to justify it or explain why she won't regret it!

ivfbeenbusy · 13/12/2020 19:54

It hugely depends on the background to the relationship doesn't it? If the parent was abusive then of course I wouldn't judge. However I do think a lot of people on MN are encouraged to go NC/LC for what often seems a rather trivial pattern of behaviour

Laureline · 13/12/2020 19:54

No, some parents are terrible parents. Your friend has no idea what the other person’s childhood might have been like.

52andblue · 13/12/2020 19:54

No. I'd assume there was a very good reason that was not my business unless they wanted to tell me. I'd probably respect them more actually.

Original poster
IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 19:56

I have noticed that the friends that I have that are very judgemental have parents who would do anything for them. I genuinely believe that they don't understand that there are are parents who are not great.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 13/12/2020 19:56

I think I'd feel sympathetic towards anyone who had such shit parents that they couldn't bear to be around them.

NeutralJanet · 13/12/2020 19:57

A friend of mine is NC with her parents, she has confided in me the reasons why and I don't blame her one bit, I would do the exact same thing in her shoes.

lyralalala · 13/12/2020 19:57

Anyone who judged me from being NC with my parents (and now with my siblings) is not someone I need in my life, to be frank.

My parents were abusive and neglectful. One of my earliest memories is being hungry and being made to sit and watch my father eating a whole pizza to himself. That was punishment for my brother being cheeky. I can’t remember how young I was, but I lived with my grandparents from age 7, so young. I also remember the sound and smell of my brother being burned with an iron. Another memory is of being backhanded across the face for crying when my father stamped on a Christmas present for some fault.

My eldest brother is a carbon copy of my father. I drew a line with him (and sadly my siblings stuck with him) when he screamed in my face on my doorstep when I was 26 weeks pregnant and told me he was tempted to stamp on my stomach.

Your DS should do the girl a favour and walk away from the friendship. Judging her over this, with no knowledge of why, shows that he is absolutely not her friend.

Spodge · 13/12/2020 19:58

I certainly would not judge.

BaublesToIt · 13/12/2020 19:58

I used to feel very ashamed and spent many years judging myself (my whole family disowned me).

DH’s family judged as DC were upset that they didn’t see my side anymore but they didn’t know the full facts, which were too personal to divulge to them, so I just let them get on with it.

I wouldn’t judge anyone now I’m in that situation myself but I would’ve wondered before what THEY did wrong if the parent/family cut contact with them. From my own experience, I now know its likely they come from a very dysfunctional family and it’s probably not their fault.

RedMarauder · 13/12/2020 19:58

@BerriesAndPineCones

I think it's rather a dated idea that a parent can be as abusive or neglectful as they like and the child has a duty to their parents for the rest of their life. People don't think like that any more. So no I wouldnt judge someone. I'd assume they had their reasons
This.

The first people I met who were NC with a parent as a teen had physically abusive parents, or a parent who had just decided to bugger off then try to come back into their life when they were16. I've since met and know people who are NC or LC for lots of different reasons.

GreekOddess · 13/12/2020 20:02

No I wouldn't judge.

I was no contact with my Dad until I was 35. I'm so glad I got back in contact with him and just wish we had longer (he died 5 years later). You can't judge, human relationships are complicated.

BrieAndChilli · 13/12/2020 20:02

I’m NC with my mother and my sister is LC. I dont Really delve into why with people but I hope they aren’t judging me! I have discussed my childhood with a close friend who is a social worker and even she was shocked!

JohnMcClane · 13/12/2020 20:03

No my DH is in same position as CantStandMeows DH, its never an easy decision and usually comes following much soul searching and trying every other avenue. I think as well when you become a parent yourself there is a realisation that no its not okay.

I do get frustrated at threads were women won't leave their partners because "The kids love him" All kids love their parents, even when they're total shits, even when they completely fuck them up, even when the only way they can deal is to cut all contact.

swampytiggaa · 13/12/2020 20:05

My eldest child is NC with me. She has her reasons... massive mental health issues which I tried to support her with but nothing I did was good enough. She moved away was fine then started verbally abusing me. When it got to death threats I told her any more contact and I would call the police.

She still contacts her siblings and tbh I would be open to reconciling but she’s a grown up now and if she’d rather have no contact that’s her choice.

I don’t judge anyone who is NC with someone. It’s a big step and only those involved really know the circumstances around it.

Sparklesocks · 13/12/2020 20:05

No I wouldn’t.

I think I would’ve felt a similar way to your DM and DS in my younger days, I used to be quite black and white and think you should do whatever you can to keep your family in your life and it’s the most important thing.

But as I’ve got older I’ve met people where clearly it’s not the case. There are some families who are just too toxic and dysfunctional and it doesn’t work, or there are parents who really have no business being one and have treated their children very poorly. Sharing blood doesn’t mean you have to forgive family members for terrible things they’ve done to you just because you’re ‘family’. And it’s possible to build your own family with your partner and children, and with your closest friends.

So now I assume anyone in that place has good reasons for doing so, and that sometimes it’s the best thing. Regardless it’s none of my business.

Givemeabreak88 · 13/12/2020 20:06

Why would you? My kids dad doesn’t see them (his choice) can’t imagine them wanting to know him when they get older so why would anyone judge that

ChocolateTea · 13/12/2020 20:08

My father was abusive anyway, but I cut off contact as a teen because he found a new family. He even rung my mother and told her he didn't need us anymore as his new wife came with her own teen kids. Best thing I did was cut him out. Its been 21 years and I've seen him a handful of times as he lives locally. And my grandfather's funeral. But that's it.

Do I care if people judge me? Nope.

WhySoSensitive · 13/12/2020 20:08

I wouldn’t judge, but would have immediate sympathies. (Using my own relationships as reference I guess)

D4rwin · 13/12/2020 20:09

I'm NC with mine. Definitely wouldn't judge. Quite honestly no one does it for trivial reasons, anyone being critical lacks an imagination as to WHY.

ChocolateTea · 13/12/2020 20:09

And he got very ill recently. It made me realise that actually I have no urge to see him on his deathbed. Nor attend his funeral. He's recovered, but it gave me the closure to realise that.

krustykittens · 13/12/2020 20:13

"NC is one of those things that is extremely common on this site but it is much rarer in real life"

It really is common in real life. I am NC with both my parents and my life is so much happier without them in it. But I still spin a line and make it sound like we are in contact to neighbours in my small, rural community because so many people would make me feel ashamed for being contact. "You will regret it when they are dead," "You only have one mother," etc. There are thousands of children in this country subjected to abuse in their own homes. Most people will acknowledge that but seem to think the problem goes away when those children reach adulthood. It doesn't stop at 18, it either continues as it always has done or presents in more insidious ways and often is applied to your own children. Yet once you reach adult hood you are expected to ignore or deal with this abuse somehow, putting up with behaviour you would never tolerate from anyone else, and ignore your childhood trauma, all to keep a relationship going with people who can't even admit it happened, much less apologise for it. I wish people would realise that going NC is a huge trauma in itself and people who do it, do it to survive mentally and sometimes, physically and to save their own children from abuse.

I agree with PP, that your DS should, frankly, fuck off out of his friends life - she doesn't need such a judgemental little twat adding to her pains. And to anyone that might think, "You only have one mother or father," those of use who are NC think, "thank fuck for that!"

Original poster
IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 20:13

My DS friends Dad was an abusive alcoholic and both my DM and DS know this. His form of abuse was stonewalling though so they don't really consider it that bad. They still feel sorry for him. It's quite rural where we live so I think views are different. I wonder if this is one of the reasons people pick lc over nc?

OP posts:
Original poster
IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 20:14

It's my sister as opposed to son.

OP posts:
NeonSparkle · 13/12/2020 20:16

My DH is no contact with his parents, they are liars, thieves, con-artists, scroungers and totally abusive to their 2 children.
I don’t want a relationship with any of them and I certainly don’t want my 3 children around them. What my husband chooses to do is his own decision- luckily he sees them for exactly what they are and prefers his life without them in it in any shape or form.
When people are that disgustingly toxic you can’t regret not having a relationship with them - it’s way past that. you have to go completely no contact for your own mental health and to be able to build a future for yourself (you can’t do that if your own parents are robbing you blind!)