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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

271 replies

IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 19:25

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

OP posts:
bombymobey · 13/12/2020 20:17

I'd would always judge the parents more.

bombymobey · 13/12/2020 20:18

The only people I know who are NC have racist parents so hard not to judge.

Tehmina23 · 13/12/2020 20:19

My Dad & his twin sister went no contact with my Grandfather after he asked them to pretend that they weren't his children!

Basically he'd divorced my Nan, had a new younger wife, disowned all his five kids and had a new wealthy lifestyle with new friends who actually never found out about his children.
I only saw him once aged 4 when my dad was so ill in hospital he nearly died.
Then in 2011 I found out he'd died in 2008 aged 88.
His widow hadn't wanted his children to know he was dying in case they made a claim on the Will.
And apparently even when he was very poorly he never asked for his children.

What I don't get is that until my dad was 14 my grandfather was apparently the perfect loving & attentive father. How can a man switch off their feelings for their own children just like that?

TrainspottingWelsh · 13/12/2020 20:20

No, but I would judge their parents.
I also don't really care if anyone judges me for being nc with mine, I would feel sorry for anyone that did because they're clearly narrow minded, immature and lack life experience so I wouldn't give a toss about their thoughts or opinions.

VodselForDinner · 13/12/2020 20:20

I wouldn’t judge.

However, I’ve been around long enough to know that there are two sides to every story and just because someone tells you they’re not in contact with their family doesn’t mean they’re always the injured party.

emilyfrost · 13/12/2020 20:21

Of course I wouldn’t judge. Just because they’re your parent doesn’t mean they deserve your love or respect; you don’t know what they’ve done in the past that has led to no contact.

Nobody should have to look after a parent just on the basis of them being a parent; they should look after them only if they want to and are happy to. It’s not an obligation.

happymummy12345 · 13/12/2020 20:23

I would never judge that. My parents are divorced. I'm completely non contact with one of them and their side or part of the family. People are always shocked at first, until they find out the reasons why. Then they say they fully understand why I made that choice. I'm much happier without them in my life.

indemMUND · 13/12/2020 20:24

My siblings and I are all NC with one parent. Due to the abuse we suffered. Maybe point out that it might be the parent at fault rather than let them judge the decision the child has made?

Dinosauraddict · 13/12/2020 20:28

My DH is NC with both parents for very good reasons. Anyone that judges him is an ignorant arsehole.

ValleyClouds · 13/12/2020 20:28

My "Dad" was never - a "dad" to me. NC almost 20 years. Really don't/wouldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks of that. He was very abusive and I don't have any belief that he loved me. He's just my Mums ex husband to me.

TopTabby · 13/12/2020 20:31

Dont underestimate how horrible stonewalling can be. My father could keep it up for weeks & then twist the truth to show how reasonable he was as he hadn't lost his temper. He could be truly vile & I am as LC as possible & still dread being in the same room as him. LC with dm as well who always enabled him although I do see her with dsis, not on my own though.
So no I would never judge anyone for being NC.

Calmandmeasured1 · 13/12/2020 20:31

it hugely depends on the background to the relationship doesn't it? If the parent was abusive then of course I wouldn't judge. However I do think a lot of people on MN are encouraged to go NC/LC for what often seems a rather trivial pattern of behaviour
This.

purplecorkheart · 13/12/2020 20:33

Nope my closest friend is low/no contact with her mother, I have only witnessed a tiny bit of her mother's toxic behaviour and can entirely understand why. A work colleague is no contact with his brother and his wife and again I totally can see why. Therefore I never judge them.

Original poster
IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 20:38

@Calmandmeasured1

it hugely depends on the background to the relationship doesn't it? If the parent was abusive then of course I wouldn't judge. However I do think a lot of people on MN are encouraged to go NC/LC for what often seems a rather trivial pattern of behaviour This.
In that circumstance though the person has to explain the abuse to you and then you decide if they should be judged or not based on their reasons. I would be of the view that it was there business and I'm not in a position to judge. This is where I think the issue is. The default position is that you should be close to your parents and there for them and if you are not, then you need to explain why.
OP posts:
dudsville · 13/12/2020 20:38

Why judge? You don't know their circumstances. How does judging help or change the situation? Imagine the scenario; Person 1: hey, did you know that x is not in contact with y.
Person 2: no, gosh, I judge that as bad behaviour.
Situation: ah thanks, that's just what was needed.

Flvq · 13/12/2020 20:39

I owe no one an explanation.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 13/12/2020 20:41

I am extremely LC with my dad and Mum and NC with my step mum. People can judge if they want but as they didn't live my childhood their opinion is irrelevant. IME going NC is only done after years of suffering, attempts at making the relationship work and huge amounts of soul searching, have never met anyone who did it for giggles or because they couldn't be bothered to keep in touch with loving parents.

ThatsNotYourPassword · 13/12/2020 20:41

I think that I am judged by some for having a poor relationship with my mum. And I’m not even no contact- I keep it minimal.
But if I’m given a proper chance to explain- they’re generally shocked by her actions and understand my viewpoint.
I would absolutely love to have a mum that was normal- not looking for loads of positivity - would just like to not to still be being told that I’m difficult in my 40s!

I’m not difficult- I have children with special needs and asked for the occasional supportive phone call. Bit of a rant, sorry.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 13/12/2020 20:42

@Flvq

I owe no one an explanation.
This!
Fullofpissandvinegar · 13/12/2020 20:43

Absolutely not. I would judge the parents who in every similar situation I have known are the cause or the instigators.

HarrietOh · 13/12/2020 20:43

I’d judge anyone who judged me for it, for thinking everyone lives in a perfect happy world where family is concerned.

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 13/12/2020 20:50

I don't think any of us have the right to judge anyone about anything they do or don't do if we haven't walked in their shoes.

Artinsurance · 13/12/2020 20:51

I'm no contact with my siblings and someone once shared an article on the subject which said people who divorced would not be judged on not keeping in contact with their ex so why should it be different if it were family you had divorced yourself from. It resonated for me.

SonjaMorgan · 13/12/2020 20:53

I think it should be more normal to have no or low contact with people who have caused pain and suffering. If you have a good relationship with your parents and they have sacrificed to bring you up well then you may not be able to relate.

Sewrainbow · 13/12/2020 20:57

No way! If anything I'd be more likely to judge the parent, if anyone but really no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, or what what someone's reasons are.

Having been through the whole you'll regret when they're gone with dh I can honest say he is a different person now his fad is dead, like a weight lifted. He saw him before death to please his stepmom really and if anything regretted going as he felt like he father felt all was forgiven when it definitely was not. That played on his mind for a bit but he seems better now.