To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

Hm. Whether “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support” is true or not, it’s pretty harsh to say to someone who to some degree depends on strangers for support.

That’s a strangely critical thing of a counsellor to say and going to leave you feeling pretty shit.

Is it possible to change counsellors?

“people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

What like therapists?

SHE is a stranger! And a judgmental one at that!

MN is a great anonymous support and yes indeed you can talk about issues you’d never dream of telling these things to people who know you in real life

Does MN make you feel stronger? More supported and less alone?

That’s a good thing

One of the things you’re going to be working on over the next while is exactly this, working out what works for you and what doesn’t, deciding boundaries and putting things in perspective

I don’t think she’s the therapist for you.

@MzHz

MN is a great anonymous support and yes indeed you can talk about issues you’d never dream of telling these things to people who know you in real life

Does MN make you feel stronger? More supported and less alone?

I agree with this. Yep, MN has been a great help to me.
Joined whilst I was pregnant, looking for support, found it.

Stuck around and have had lots more support since having DC.
Post natal anxiety was hard and lots of people on here have been nothing but kind and supportive.

I'd be tempted to tell her she'd be out of work if everyone had full and happy lives.

As she must well know, a LOT of people do not have "full and happy lives"!

Is she saying she can get you to a point where you feel you have one of these? I doubt it. Few counsellors would even claim to be able to make someone's life "fuller and happier".

How did you access her, can you request a change? (Sorry if you've said, wish it was poss on the app to reread the thread whilst posting!)

That is not the kind of paid help you need OP!

She should be congratulating you for having found a source of support that's always accessible and free.

I'm not sure she's right for you. I'd find one that doesn't think that people who ask for and give help on the internet are weirdos.

@katy1213

I'd be tempted to tell her she'd be out of work if everyone had full and happy lives.

@katy1213

I wonder how she’d take that.

I just don’t know what she means by that.

I consider myself happy. Good job, good husband, lovely DC.

First time mum this year. Haven’t felt comfortable sharing my anxieties with my close friends so anonymously has worked perfectly for me!

Some counsellors are shit. Sad to say it, but it's true.

Some of them are great with one very specific type of person with a specific type of problem, but incompetent and useless with anyone else.

Some are useless with everyone.

It's not a reflection on you.

I'm sorry you've gone through a wait list only to end up with somebody who is not appropriate for you.

That's ridiculous. I'm a therapist and am actively encouraging people to get support online, particularly at the moment. Obviously if you were up all night, not sleeping/eating for checking mumsnet or whatever it might be different, but even then it's not up to them to decide what you work on in therapy. Ask for someone different.

@MostIneptThatEverStepped

That is not the kind of paid help you need OP!

She should be congratulating you for having found a source of support that's always accessible and free.

I'm not sure she's right for you. I'd find one that doesn't think that people who ask for and give help on the internet are weirdos.

@MostIneptThatEverStepped

It’s not paid. It’s a local counselling service which was recommended to me.

I had CBT in the summer for post natal anxiety. The therapist there recognised I had underlying issues form my past that I should address and recommend the service.

Perhaps she has Mumsnet confused with Netmums?

I think SM platforms can become dangerous when they are single-issue focused and everyone feeds off each other in how awful certain things are. (Like teenagers slagging off their parents to each other.)

However, with MN there is such a wide areas of topics discussed that there are people who have been there, done that, and got out the other side so they can see things with perspective that people in the middle of it all can't.

@Athinginitself

but even then it's not up to them to decide what you work on in therapy. Ask for someone different.

This is what I thought. It should be my decision!

My husband thinks she’s just trying to encourage me to talk to RL friends rather than “offloading” to people I don’t know.

But either way, shouldn’t that be my choice.

I have thought about asking for another one but I’m worried all counsellors might have this opinion.

You're obviously going to get mostly pro-mumsnet answers by posting here in Mumsnet about this. Maybe she is trying to protect you from nastiness on here and at the same time trying to encourage you to go to real life friends more for support? I guess if you're still posting here then there's less incentive to invest in real life interactions so it makes sense to reduce your MN time.

There are some lovely supportive people here, but there's also some really nasty people so some threads can really spiral and end up in personal attacks. I often click on a thread I find interesting to see it deleted by the time I click on to page 2. Maybe just try it as a temporary thing to see if it improves your real life friendships? You have nothing to lose as you can always come back on here.

And I wouldn't take it as a personal attack, although it sounds like she was a bit clumsy about wording. Maybe you and her don't gel and you need a new therapist, but in my experience it's always worth trialling the suggestions before deciding that.

I wish you luck and hope things improve for you

@TeenPlusTwenties

MN there is such a wide areas of topics discussed that there are people who have been there, done that, and got out the other side so they can see things with perspective that people in the middle of it all can't

Agreed.

I’ve posted a few times and always get lots of different opinions and advice.

I admit, some of it I don’t want to hear and it wasn’t the answer I wanted, but it’s honest and I guess that’s what I came here for.

No one is going to sugar coat things for you, not unless it’s your friends trying to protect your feelings.

There a lot of toxic people on mumsnet, people who wouldn't get away with their shit in real life so hide behind a computer screen to vent and kick people when they're down. In general, I don't think social media is healthy, the exact opposite in fact. I'm trying to wean myself off it slowly however sometimes I just get engrossed!

I think she has approached this far too early and in a rather clumsy manner.

But, there is some truth to it. You will find validation here given too freely. Posters usually agree with other posters version of events without really thinking about it. They often judge based on the very barest of details, given partially. They would be horrified if that was done to them in their own lives, it is the reason we have a 12 person jury.

I don't think this type of validation helps us when we are trying to figure things out, I think it just enables us to not face where we may have been wrong too.

There are some areas of MN that can be a bit tricky, AIBU for example and I think it is good to be aware of that. However, the relationships board is excellent and over the years I have seen people in desperate situations supported and helped enormously.
The bereavement board is a wonderful place for people struggling with grief.
The feminism boards and employment boards are brilliant.
I wonder if your therapist has even read anything on here?

@MrsMigginsMate

You're obviously going to get mostly pro-mumsnet answers by posting here in Mumsnet about this. Maybe she is trying to protect you from nastiness on here and at the same time trying to encourage you to go to real life friends more for support? I guess if you're still posting here then there's less incentive to invest in real life interactions so it makes sense to reduce your MN time.

There are some lovely supportive people here, but there's also some really nasty people so some threads can really spiral and end up in personal attacks. I often click on a thread I find interesting to see it deleted by the time I click on to page 2. Maybe just try it as a temporary thing to see if it improves your real life friendships? You have nothing to lose as you can always come back on here.

And I wouldn't take it as a personal attack, although it sounds like she was a bit clumsy about wording. Maybe you and her don't gel and you need a new therapist, but in my experience it's always worth trialling the suggestions before deciding that.

I wish you luck and hope things improve for you

@MrsMigginsMate

I guess I haven’t considered it from this angle.

Thanks. ☺️

Not all counsellors feel that way about MN. Two of my close friends are long-time, highly-qualified therapists and both are avid users of MN. One of them actually recommended the site to me a few years ago. I told them I was already on it

It isn't a given that the first therapist you try is the right one. I would say about 50% of my friends have been to a therapist (that I know of) at one or other points in their lives and I know at least 4 who tried a few before they found one they felt comfortable with and whose approach felt like a good fit.

It depends on the sub forum. Some on MM are incredibly friendly and supportive. AIBU can be quite delusional and aggressive at times - some posters just thrive off contrarian opinions. So I can imagine someone spending all their time on AIBU and feeling progressively down by a lot of comments. It can also be very addictive.

But the idea that online communities cannot be supportive is absolute rubbish. You just need the right one.

Hmm... I'm a counsellor and I've used this site for years....

Everything in moderation, if mn was causing anxieties and stress then maybe look at addressing it, but if not then it's time to speak up op,

Please remember you are the expert of yourself, the counsellor is only facilitating a safe space for you to explore yourself,

How very dare she! 😮

“people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”
What utter balderdash.

There is no one rule for what constitutes a full and happy life, it's different for everyone. Everyone, no matter how full and happy their life is, needs a bit of support sometimes. Quite often it is a lot easier to get that support from "strangers" (be they online on Mumsnet or professional counsellors!), precisely because you don't need to edit what you say in deference to their feelings.

Online support is a wonderful resource. However, like any forum, there is a risk of using it as an ‘echo chamber’, where you will hear only the ideas & thoughts that you project echoed back at you (or rather, you will selectively ‘hear’ only that which echo your own).

A bit like AIBU. How many OPs ask if they ABU, will see a hundred posters that state, actually, you are...but they’ll only cherry pick & validate their viewpoint with the few poster that agree with them.

Providing you use something like Mumsnet with a mind going into it to seek different views or perspectives then it’s a great, positive & powerful resource.

Wonder what she’s be saying to the counsellors/therapists who use this site daily, myself included?