To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

TBH I agree withher. sometimes mn can be helpful but sometimes i think it can make things worse. People seem to go to the extreams and it can be very judgemental. It could possibly lead to more anxiety and strangers who don,t know you are only able to help you to a certain extent. At least a counsellor has met you and can refer to previouse things and keep on topic and not make it about themselves.
That said I think mumsnet can be very helpful but perhaps in small doses.

Have you said how much you’re on MN? I agree it can be a good place for support on some issues but I also agree with some of what she said.

OP sorry I missed the unpaid bit. Still, you deserve the right kind of help for you and she may not be it.

You can always give her suggestions a try, to show willing. But her opinion on things is not the only one.

I wish you all the best.

The feminism boards and employment boards are brilliant.

The feminism board is not brilliant, unless you hold a very narrow view on the subject. This might be what your therapist is referring to OP, if someone was struggling with their gender identity, and found themselves amidst some of the terrible things that get posted on that board, that would be very dangerous to their mental health.

Also the employment board has a great number of posters that haven't the first idea of what they're talking about, well intentioned but not helpful!

MN has its place, but it can be incredibly toxic. It's about finding a balance between 'real life' and social media, which we can all struggle with at times.

@flaviaritt

Have you said how much you’re on MN? I agree it can be a good place for support on some issues but I also agree with some of what she said.

@flaviaritt

Yeah to be honest I did tell her I’m quite a regular user at the minute, but for me I’ve found it mostly helpful.

I think the thing that got to me was the part about full and happy lives.

How much do you use MN, @notmenotmine? And would you say you use it instead of talking to friends/real life support?

Those would be the only two potential issues I could see... and even then, there’d be people who couldn’t or didn’t want to solve them.

Maybe she's not the right therapist for you? Therapists can have their own blindspots and prejudices, and it can take a few tries to find the right person for you.

If you genuinely have a problem with internet use, then that's one thing, but if you're honest with yourself and disagree, you don't need to go along with her on it.

I'm very surprised by her comment. I'm quite unimpressed.

I think mumsnet is great. People can be extremely supportive and knowledgeable. When you are going through a difficult time it’s very helpful to know you’re not the only one. I don’t agree with your therapists statement about people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support.
But you go to a therapist in the hope that they can help you reflect on your difficulties in a non biased way . Many of the opinions offered on mumsnet , esp on the relationships board , are very influenced by the posters personal experience, which has often been quite toxic .
Very definite advice is offered on the flimsiest of information, and once there is a consensus of opinion people jump on the bandwagon and it’s difficult to disagree.
I think you can continue to use mumsnet as a support but you need to be aware of these biases

Yeah to be honest I did tell her I’m quite a regular user at the minute, but for me I’ve found it mostly helpful.

Is that every day, or all day every day? Because it really does affect my view as to whether she is unreasonable. MN is a place with a very particular culture. If you are in a fragile place, it might feel ‘supportive’ but ultimately not be doing for you what a walk in the open air or a Zoom chat with some friends might do. It can be very intense and insular.

Counsellors are very variable IME. The first one I ever had told me to leave when I told her I wanted to remove my anxiety about the opinions of other people. She said 'I don't do that. Come back when you're ready to look at other options. Bye, see you soon.'

I left and didn't go back.

I suspect she wants you to put your energy into real word support from friends and loved ones. It makes sense even if she came across as insensitive.

Strangers opinions can be useful as they are unbiased, but equally this place can be horrible skewed in its opinions re. men and relationships.

The thing is if you were 3 months in and she had brought it up and explored it with you as she had maybe noticed it might be getting in the way of other things for you that would be different, at session 1 it's not helpful. I'd also worry she had a very specific idea of what a full and happy life was, rather than looking with you at your values, goals etc were.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

This is all so wrong. She should not make you feel like you are being judged and she should not be putting things on a treatment plan without your full agreement. She should not be discussing her opinions with you - very unprofessional. Please ask to see a different counsellor and don't be afraid to explain why.

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

Change therapist! Does she actually know anything about MN?

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

She's 100% spot on with that ^^

But the 'full and happy lives' bit is bullshit.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

People do have mixed experiences on MumsNet but you said you found it positive and supportive so it is very dodgy for her to automatically insist you use less of it. At the very least she should first explore how you use it and how it affects you. Did she even ask you which bits of MumsNet you use? She sounds deeply ignorant.

there is a risk of using it as an ‘echo chamber’,

But the counsellor doesn't know if the OP is using it in that way or not. This was only their first session. What the counsellor said was based on stereotypes and not on evidence, which is not a good sign.

As an experienced "counsellee" I would consider finding someone else.

@flaviaritt

Yeah to be honest I did tell her I’m quite a regular user at the minute, but for me I’ve found it mostly helpful.

Is that every day, or all day every day? Because it really does affect my view as to whether she is unreasonable. MN is a place with a very particular culture. If you are in a fragile place, it might feel ‘supportive’ but ultimately not be doing for you what a walk in the open air or a Zoom chat with some friends might do. It can be very intense and insular.

@flaviaritt

I lurk on here most days. I don’t post every day, but I do chat and reply to others.

But I don’t use MN in favour of seeing my friends or getting out of the house on a daily basis.

My main usage time recently is during the night as DC still wakes for breastfeeds so I tend to have my phone to hand to keep me awake 🤣

dont rely on strangers for support

so where does she fit in then the stranger therapist

Well, it sounds like she may not be the counsellor for you. You seem happy with your MN usage and unhappy with her. Ask for someone else? Alternatively you could ask her to park that element of the counselling and focus on something else.

Firstly, I remember having my baby boy and how much it stirred up past childhood issues/traumas and how the lack of sleep messed we and my anxiety. It does get easier and less emotional as they move out of the baby phase. Plenty of women feel this way, you're not alone. You are brave and great you have sort out support and help - however it may come...

I would have thought Mumsnet usage was trivial and think your Counsellor should focus on more serious last issues/traumas/experiences....

I disagree with the Counsellor. Especially during these times of covid, using online forums is resourceful and smart. Texting, zoom, online communities are just a reality of the modern life. Being a new Mum is lonely and isolating especially at times like this.

Mumsnet attracts quite educated and intelligent people. If your issue is complex or traumatic then you need to be careful with how and who you share it with. Having said that, I've shared some personal issues and found MN to be amazingly supportive, positive and warm.

In general I think a supportive online community is a good thing.

I think perhaps MN may become an issue if you're using it instead of meeting new Mums and making real time connections. You need to see people/other Mums to get the real benefits of play dates, bonding and just life.

It doesn't sound like your counsellor is very sophisticated with her approach. Perhaps she is inexperienced and narrow minded about technology. Perhaps she's confusing it with social media which has been shown to have negative outcomes psychologically.

In any case, not all counsellors are created equal, they are people with their own prejudices, values, judgments etc. Youbhave to find the right fit !

If you feel that MN is a good form of support until you make Mum friends then I see nothing wrong with it x

Hmm. I think the therapist may not be right for you. Way too early to be making pronouncements about what you need to do.

I find MN very useful for information and practical advice but would never use it for emotional support or for help in making a difficult decision. I too have trouble opening up to my real life friends and being ' vulnerable ' with them so I understand but I don't think MN is a good substitute for emotional support . For that you need real life people do she may have a point

However, part of the deal in getting that emotional support is a willingness to be vulnerable, which needs trust but that includes your therapist , you need to be able to trust her and her clumsiness has hurt you. Not a good start with her I'd say, even if she may have a point

@user42579522

Some counsellors are shit. Sad to say it, but it's true.

Some of them are great with one very specific type of person with a specific type of problem, but incompetent and useless with anyone else.

Some are useless with everyone.

It's not a reflection on you.

I'm sorry you've gone through a wait list only to end up with somebody who is not appropriate for you.

This. At the end of the day they are just people, with varying degrees of competency and life experience. I have a friend who is a therapist and I can see that in some ways she is a good one, but in limited areas. Seeing the other side of a therapist, so to speak, makes me realise that they are just as fucked up as anyone else and make mistakes too.

I had 18 months of therapy with someone who made me feel judged and uncomfortable during the first meeting. I did get a lot from the theapy but it was massively hampered by the fact I didn't feel safe with her because of how we started, in hindsight I wish I had tried to find another counsellor I felt more comfortable in the room with. It's perfectly fine to shop about when you are just starting. If you hit this sort of bump in the road later on during therapy that is more expected, and then it's a good idea to share with your therapist what you feel and work through the block together - but after one session? Nah. Next!

I don't think your use of MN is any of your counsellors business to be honest, and after those judgemental comments I'd be very wary of telling her anything more.

Which probably indicates that you need a new counsellor. This one has blown your trust.

Gosh... “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”?!

That's an awful thing to say.

There's no harm in using MN, so long as it isn't dragging you down, emotionally, or feeding into your anxiety. If you feel something is helping you, I'd keep doing it, and if it's making you feel worse, I'd stop. That's why I stopped using FB. I noticed I felt worse after looking at FB. If MN gave me the same feeling, I'd stop using it, too, but it doesn't.

I think your therapist is either expressing herself poorly or she's just wrong on this point.