To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

@Mummyozzi

Firstly, I remember having my baby boy and how much it stirred up past childhood issues/traumas and how the lack of sleep messed we and my anxiety. It does get easier and less emotional as they move out of the baby phase. Plenty of women feel this way, you're not alone. You are brave and great you have sort out support and help - however it may come...

I would have thought Mumsnet usage was trivial and think your Counsellor should focus on more serious last issues/traumas/experiences....

I disagree with the Counsellor. Especially during these times of covid, using online forums is resourceful and smart. Texting, zoom, online communities are just a reality of the modern life. Being a new Mum is lonely and isolating especially at times like this.

Mumsnet attracts quite educated and intelligent people. If your issue is complex or traumatic then you need to be careful with how and who you share it with. Having said that, I've shared some personal issues and found MN to be amazingly supportive, positive and warm.

In general I think a supportive online community is a good thing.

I think perhaps MN may become an issue if you're using it instead of meeting new Mums and making real time connections. You need to see people/other Mums to get the real benefits of play dates, bonding and just life.

It doesn't sound like your counsellor is very sophisticated with her approach. Perhaps she is inexperienced and narrow minded about technology. Perhaps she's confusing it with social media which has been shown to have negative outcomes psychologically.

In any case, not all counsellors are created equal, they are people with their own prejudices, values, judgments etc. Youbhave to find the right fit !

If you feel that MN is a good form of support until you make Mum friends then I see nothing wrong with it x

@Mummyozzi

Thank you. ❤️

I have managed to get out, we’ve been doing a regular baby sensory class.
I also have great support from NCT class.

I did tell the counsellor that I haven’t told my closest friends about my current issues (relating to my childhood) but have talked about it on MN.

But that’s purely because I just don’t want my friends to see me vulnerable and upset.
I have quite a strong personality and I’m not one for being emotional and serious.
I guess it’s just always been a way of looking after myself...

I think that's a lot of inappropriate judgement from your counsellor in a first session. It says more about her preconceptions than about any knowledge - she does not yet know how you use Mumsnet or what you get from it, and she knows very little about you. Her statement about the kind of people who use forums like this one is also wildly prejudiced. Lastly, a treatment plan should be agreed between you, not imposed in terms that are like a parent/child power relationship. I'm not sure you will be able to build a good therapeutic relationship with this person. I'm not saying give up on her, but don't be afraid to walk away if you feel you are not being listened to as time goes on.

I'd switch counsellors if possible. Not because she thinks you should concentrate on real in person friendships but because she made you feel judged. You're going to be watching what you say to her now and that pretty much kills the therapeutic relationship dead in the water.

I had one like her. I lasted 2 sessions. She was no help to me at all. My new therapist is amazing not because he is always right or supereducated and expensive (he actually does a lot of work for MIND and in schools) but because I can say anything to him. Even if he doesn't agree, he tries to see my perspective and walk in my shoes.

If she had sais "social media" rather than MN I suspect people would be agreeing - and lest we forget this is social media.

Huh, funny; you obviously are not 100% happy at the moment or you wouldn't be visiting her.
Does the time you spend on MN have any negative impact? Maybe also try cutting back and see if you're calmer without. But the reason she's given for doing that is a bit odd.

Do you feel comfortable with her otherwise, or had you e.g. already taken a bit of a dislike to her? The patient relationship is really important in therapy - it's definitely worth looking around until you get someone you feel happy to open up to.

If this is the only thing that's bothered you so far, perhaps you could try telling her how you feel about what she said, and see how she reacts? I remember my counsellor once started a meeting by apologising for a comment she'd made the previous session, saying it was too harsh.

@cdtaylornats

If she had sais "social media" rather than MN I suspect people would be agreeing - and lest we forget this is social media.

I don’t agree with that, in that if she’d said “you may find that social media doesn’t give you the real support you need”, or “real life friends can give you what social media can’t” then that would be different. It’s the wording that’s awful, isn’t it?

Specifically mumsnet to avoid?

This place has kept me (relatively) sane over the last 14 odd years through some rough and horrible and bloody sad times.

Your counsellor is out of order. It's up to you if you want real life support or prefer an anonymous forum. I lead a full and happy life but am on here plenty!
Clearly it's not client led therapy, what type of therapy is it?

I mentioned before that I found FB detrimental to my mental health, so I stopped using it.

Maybe MN counts as social media, but anonymous forums are nothing like FB, ime. I don't know who I'm talking to, here, and they don't know me. I can express things more freely without worrying about repercussions or being judged by people who know me irl.

Also, unlike on FB, I'm not as prone to comparing my life unfavourably to the lives of those I know. No pressure to like the right things, reply, etc. They're completely different experiences.

Wow! I'd be questioning her professionalism I've had therapy and one thing various councillors had in common was they took a non judgemental approach. Im not a mum nor do I want to be but I enjoy connecting with other women. I disagree on some things and have healthy debate or steer clear. I imagine from what I see most people are the same.

I appreciate some people do get obsessed with online forums and it becomes a bit of an echi chamber, thinking of reddit and 4 chan. But even then I think it's certain boards.

I have seen some pile ons here but in the whole the advice doesn't feed into anxieties the op has. If anything people are a bit dismissive. It sounds like she doesn't really know what mumsnet is like!

Um, I would be ditching that counsellor.

Not all of them are good.

No good one would be criticising and putting their own opinion of what 'should' feel good or work for you, first.

A more able counsellor perhaps would have asked you why you thought it worked for you, what kind of support it gave you which differed from in-person support, and whether you wanted to think about making sure that you weren't relying too heavily on support that might end up feeling too impersonal, or could only go so far.

A counsellor who makes you feel bad about yourself or is snippy or chippy - ditch them.

She has only asked you to reduce your usage, not stop it altogether!

This counselling may not be right for you OP, but it certainly won't help you unless you give it a proper try and follow her advice. You can't just cherrypick the bits you like.

Give it a go, if it doesn't help Mumsnet will still be here when you come back to it!

I don't think there's an evidence based counselling model that starts with 'drop all your online support'. I suspect she either has heard or views Mumsnet as transphobic (and therefore does not understand Mumsnet) or does not 'get' online communities. This is a personal standpoint and is also pretty directive, rather than focused on you setting and discovering your goals. It's a bit like saying 'don't use online banking, you'll get defrauded' - an opinion, not widely shared.

I’m not a councillor - but am a trainee therapist (don’t treat these days) - and I think what they said was odd.

I’d maybe advise people to swerve places, situations and people who just make you feel crap (that didn’t have any benefit to you) - ie ‘friends’ who put you down, treat you badly and take the Mickey, not drop a potential source of (anonymous) support for goodness sake. Sounds like the therapist believes the Bad Press we get around where.

Trained therapist, not trainee. I’m qualified mwahahahaha (apparently I can slap you in the chops if you are having hysterics...)

Not read any PPs but would say there seems to be a great range of different kinds of people from all over the world with many different kinds of back grounds, experiences, education and wealth on MN so I don't think anyone can generalise as to a ''type'' of person here. Also many people do not have close family and friends they can rely on for emotional support and if they did many may probably have problems of their own anyway.

I honestly think she’s right. When my anxiety is high I check it a lot and spend far too much time on here. When happy and well adjusted I don’t. You find an echo chamber and it can exasperate feelings. I would listen to what they have to say and try it with an open mind, if you don’t find it’s useful you could always go back to how much you were using it before?

For what’s it’s worth, I had NHS counselling many moons ago and hated my counsellor. But I do still use and benefit from some of the coping mechanisms I learned from her. I’ve found a counsellor I prefer since, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t get something from it. So even if you don’t like aspects of this person’s approach, stick with it if you can.

Hope you feel better soon.

She's not wrong though is she...?

I think mumsnet can be really supportive and eye opening to situations you may have not realised you were in. I have seen nasty comments and thread derailing but I feel mentally well enough to ignore that when I see it. People have got through some very difficult situations with the support of Mumsnet and I think it is a great forum.

We all use it for different reasons I think. If I’m happy and feeling silly I might pop into a daft thread, I use it for recipes and tips, or things on the news, or if I’m feeling pissed if I can find commiseration.

I dont have many people around me in real life that I can shoot the breeze with.

Load of bollocks. I have a group of now real life friends who I first met ages ago on various TTC/pregnancy threads. They are some of my closest friends and we met here. It's invaluable and, frankly, any kind of support is good. Presumably, especially with lockdown etc, you're not going to be able to replace MN it's any other kind of social interaction so you'd just end up more isolated. Plus it's not like there's a shitload to do at 3am when you're feeding a baby! If you said you watched Netflix instead, would she tell you to cut back on that?

I think AIBU can be absolutely toxic at times but there are so many other boards on here that are incredibly supportive, such as bereavement or relationships.

I have been on MN for over a decade and am still here because I find it supportive and interesting.

Having unloaded personal problems to people I considered to be close friends and been stabbed in the back. Made worse by having to see them every day in the playground I prefer MN. At least you can name change, hide threads, choose not to visit certain boards.

I use MN tonnes and have done for nearly 20 years. Most days. It's unusual for me to NOT log on most days.
I have very close friendships, WhatsApp group who post most days, and a close relationship with my mum.
I have very low/ non existent / no anxiety.
So I can't see that counsellors comments apply to me.

I can only go on personal experience from here. If you have found your experience helpful on here and it helps you then of course continue.

Personally a couple of years ago I posted on here while I was suffering extremely badly with my mental health. Everything in my head was amplified, I was overthinking things, extremely paranoid and just in a really really bad place, I didn’t realise this at the time.

I posted about a situation on here and I ended up with a pile on of quite vile and abusive messages which really exacerbated my mental health.

Obviously I’m still on here but I would just be very mindful that if you post anything on here strangers are only judging based on a very small amount of information and not aware of any other circumstances so you won’t always get the best advice than from someone who knows you.

I can telly you categorically I have a full and happy life have been married for 25years with very few problems. I love mumsnet, I needed advice in a family matter and there was no way I could have got advice from friends as they would all be judgemental.
I totally support you using mn, do what you feel is right.x