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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

267 replies

notmenotmine · 13/12/2020 15:36

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 13/12/2020 18:09

I have found great support too.
Obviously things are changeable and it can get messy as long as you're strong enough to walk away from a messy thread you'll be okay.
I'm sorry you are experiencing a hard time with the past, babies do that to you they are so innocent they make you wonder how shit happened from there.
Counselling done nothing for me personally. Xmas Smile Good luck.

Original poster
notmenotmine · 13/12/2020 18:09

@Eckhart

In fact OP, if you don't see your level of discomfort here as a red flag for this relationship, that may well be why you need counselling in the first place

Hmm

Think that’s a bit of a bold thing to say in this scenario.

I’ve said In a previous post I felt comfortable with her. She was actually really nice and it was only this comment which threw me.

To be honest I don’t care what she says or thinks about MN.

The part that got to me was saying you don’t seek support from strangers if you have a full and happy life.

Made me feel pretty shitty.

But the more I think about it, perhaps she’s right.

I haven’t been in a great place recently and I’ve found myself on her more and more seeking reassurance.

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 13/12/2020 18:10

MN is full of posters who project their own issues and desperate to pull others into their own little hole
⬆️Yes Agree with this with bells on.

And that’s why a lot of posters are so touchy about anything other than sycophantic praise of mn. Because it’s true. Mn is full of posters projecting or vicariously living their life through someone else

Onceuponatimethen · 13/12/2020 18:11

Op I’ve had an counselling before and I think that’s quite an odd thing to say. The whole Samaritans service is based on the knowledge that there are some things people feel more comfortable saying to strangers.

I have found mn brilliant when I was awake with poorly dcs, bf in the night or unable to sleep due to insomnia. I have a perfectly happy and full life with close relationships with friends.

If she seems great otherwise I would try again at explaining and say you don’t feel it should be on your targets. I would then ditch her and try someone else if she still doesn’t get it, or if she can’t explain her view in a way that makes sense to you.

With the current scenario there are literally thousands of therapists you can access remotely.

Post edited by MNHQ

Sparklingbrook · 13/12/2020 18:13

[quote randomer]@Sparklingbrook,I would say for a registered counsellor to make a judgemental, sweeping and clearly untrue statement during the first session, seems odd to say the least.[/quote]
I don't believe it to be ' judgemental, sweeping and clearly untrue'. It's to make the OP think about things which is the whole point of counselling. I say this as someone who had a year or so of counselling and they said a lot of things I didn't necessarily agree with but on the whole the sessions were very useful.
It wouldn't have been good to fixate on one small comment.

Original poster
notmenotmine · 13/12/2020 18:14

@AlfredaLinguini

Is there an OCD element to your anxiety?

No, there isn’t.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 13/12/2020 18:15

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

MN is full of posters who project their own issues and desperate to pull others into their own little hole ⬆️Yes Agree with this with bells on.

And that’s why a lot of posters are so touchy about anything other than sycophantic praise of mn. Because it’s true. Mn is full of posters projecting or vicariously living their life through someone else

And I agree with this.
Holyrivolli · 13/12/2020 18:16

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

MN is full of posters who project their own issues and desperate to pull others into their own little hole ⬆️Yes Agree with this with bells on.

And that’s why a lot of posters are so touchy about anything other than sycophantic praise of mn. Because it’s true. Mn is full of posters projecting or vicariously living their life through someone else

Agreed and am emphasised by posters telling her to ditch the counsellor when she made clear she’s been on a waiting list and it is provided via the NHS so she may not have an option to pick and choose who she sees. Not advising her to think about the general advice she was given or wait until she sees how she feels when she has spoken to her counsellor again. MN is full of unhappy people advising others to take the nuclear option of cutting out anyone who doesn’t agree with a particular fully supportive narrative with no nuance or thought involved. They don’t actually give a shit about the people who may be lapping up this terrible advice.
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 13/12/2020 18:17

@notmenotmine I’ll put it to to you. People telling you the therapist is incompetent or to ditch her are sensitised ^because they hold mn I’m such regard,and it’s important to them, that they feel attacked if mn efficacy is questioned

Donotlikemyname · 13/12/2020 18:19

Maybe you should explore why the comment about leading a seeking support from strangers when leading full and happy life offends you so much.
Tbh if you’re husband is in agreement with her and she has already highlighted your mn usage as a cause for concern in a first session, then I would be inclined wonder how dependant you are and how much time you are spending on here.
Also, you have come on here to look for validation and you are getting lots of conflicting opinions, are you finding it helpful ? or is it perhaps making you feel more anxious trying to digest all the different views. Do you not trust your own judgement.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 18:20

'In fact OP, if you don't see your level of discomfort here as a red flag for this relationship, that may well be why you need counselling in the first place

hmm

Think that’s a bit of a bold thing to say in this scenario.'

It's not that bold a thing to say, given that it's a suggestion of what may be the case. It seems from your post regarding the fact that your counsellor had made you uncomfortable, I had wrongly assumed that your counsellor had made you uncomfortable?

Personally I would find another counsellor. My experience with an excellent counsellor was that I felt ultimately accepted, in a way I'm not sure I had before. The only discomforts I felt were when I was uncomfortable with things I said myself, that very obviously revealed unhealthy ways of thinking/responding. But those were my judgments, not hers.

Your experience will be individual to you.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 13/12/2020 18:21

@Haffiana

Bet she has been on here, made a tit of herself and has had her arse handed to her.
I came on here to say that!! Grin
Sparklingbrook · 13/12/2020 18:23

What if the next Counsellor says something they don't want to hear too? On to the next one until one is found which agrees 100% with everything their client says? I am not sure that's how counselling works TBH.

Hailtomyteeth · 13/12/2020 18:24

MN can contribute to people's distress - for example, if they get caught up in the misery of other people's failing relationships or if they are victims of the bullying that goes on here.

But as a source of wisdom, advice, entertainment and wit, it can be very useful. You just have to be sure of your own boundaries and know when to ignore.

Strangers are just friends you haven't yet met. MN 'friends' aren't harmful as long as you remember you have the power... they disappear if you turn away. You might well have a full and happy life and still post here for the fun of it.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 13/12/2020 18:25

Counsellor Had her arse handed to her by mn posters? What like posters on this thread those who are guessing the op diagnosis and symptoms?

Asking op does she have OCD? Op answering no she doesn’t

Original poster
notmenotmine · 13/12/2020 18:27

@Eckhart

'In fact OP, if you don't see your level of discomfort here as a red flag for this relationship, that may well be why you need counselling in the first place

hmm

Think that’s a bit of a bold thing to say in this scenario.'

It's not that bold a thing to say, given that it's a suggestion of what may be the case. It seems from your post regarding the fact that your counsellor had made you uncomfortable, I had wrongly assumed that your counsellor had made you uncomfortable?

Personally I would find another counsellor. My experience with an excellent counsellor was that I felt ultimately accepted, in a way I'm not sure I had before. The only discomforts I felt were when I was uncomfortable with things I said myself, that very obviously revealed unhealthy ways of thinking/responding. But those were my judgments, not hers.

Your experience will be individual to you.

@Eckhart

I didn’t feel uncomfortable with her.

I’ve said in a previous post I liked her, and I did.

It’s only the MN comment that I didn’t like.

Maybe part of me didn’t like it because there’s some truth in there.

Perhaps I am unhappy right now (in myself) so that’s why I’m seeking the support of MN instead of RL.

I just wonder what they would say if I asked for a new therapist because my current one has an opinion on Mn

OP posts:
2bazookas · 13/12/2020 18:28

*My husband thinks she’s just trying to encourage me to talk to RL friends rather than “offloading” to people I don’t know.

  Off loading  to strangers has its uses; but it's no substitute for learning to carry your own baggage.

  The job of a counsellor, is to help you take a look in your baggage. That's all.  Once you've rummaged around  you'll decide for yourself whether to  dump  the old crap,  save the useful stuff for future use, etc.

   Your counsellor is just telling you " There's a lot of baggage on MN which belongs to other people;   be careful  not to pick it up and add it to your own load. "
Eckhart · 13/12/2020 18:29

@Sparklingbrook

What if the next Counsellor says something they don't want to hear too? On to the next one until one is found which agrees 100% with everything their client says? I am not sure that's how counselling works TBH.
No, it's not. A good counsellor will guide you through your own judgments of yourself in a helpful supportive way, without judging you themselves.

So, in OP's scenario, a good counsellor would have encouraged OP to talk about her use of MN, and to make a judgment of whether or not it was healthy, and a good thing to do moving forward.

Good counsellors don't 'agree' or 'disagree'. They're more of an impartial sounding board, so that you can find out if, deep down, the client agrees or disagrees with themselves.

BerthaBlythe · 13/12/2020 18:29

I think counselling is a bit like dating. You are going to be revealing very intimate things to this person so there has to be trust and a sense of being on the same wavelength.

You’re not looking for someone who agrees 100% with you, because there’s no potential for growth in that. But you should feel safe in the relationship.

Sometimes a counsellor will say something that makes you stop and think and re evaluate something you’ve been taking for granted. But I don’t think that’s the same as making you feel judged or shamed.

I think she’s not a good fit for you and you should keep trying to find someone who is.

Sparklingbrook · 13/12/2020 18:30

I just wonder what they would say if I asked for a new therapist because my current one has an opinion on Mn

Exactly they would be 'er what???'. You like her. Maybe she did touch a nerve? You may not like the next one or the one after that. You know how you feel about your MN usage, leave that comment and move on with her. There must be lots of other things you want to discuss.

Original poster
notmenotmine · 13/12/2020 18:31

@Eckhart

So, in OP's scenario, a good counsellor would have encouraged OP to talk about her use of MN, and to make a judgment of whether or not it was healthy, and a good thing to do moving forward

We did talk about it. She asked me what support I had.

I went into detail.

I just didn’t post the full conversation here. Just a brief description...

OP posts:
Eckhart · 13/12/2020 18:32

Maybe part of me didn’t like it because there’s some truth in there

I'd see this as a healthy counselling outcome because you're looking deeper at your own motivations, and realising that perhaps there are behaviours that you want to change about you.

It's a shame it didn't feel like that at the time. Maybe she's good, but has a bit of a bull-in-a-china-shop approach.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 13/12/2020 18:32

Counsellors don’t agree or disagree they don’t bring their agenda or opinion to therapy. Counsellor uses models and approaches that are efficacious and work for the client

Counsellor takes her opinion and reaction to the client to supervision and explores how and why it has an impact

Ingridla · 13/12/2020 18:33

she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

This is ludicrous in this day and age, she sounds inwardly thinking and judgemental and I strongly advise you to find a different therapist, if you're looking for support you don't want to be paying this person to make you feel like shit, bin her.

I hope you're ok.

Sparklingbrook · 13/12/2020 18:34

So, in OP's scenario, a good counsellor would have encouraged OP to talk about her use of MN, and to make a judgment of whether or not it was healthy, and a good thing to do moving forward.

Possibly, but what a waste of counselling time. You have to jam as much value into the session as you can, I remember thinking 'right I have 50 minutes so need to make them count'.