To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

String her up and take her to the stake!!!

Bet she has been on here, made a tit of herself and has had her arse handed to her.

@randomer

Sorry to keep pestering.....a proper, registered counsellor? What style of therapy is she offering....person centred, CBT, TA?

My friend is a proper, trained registered counsellor. I've no idea what he's said to clients, but he certainly has told me as a friend that he doesn't believe mumsnet is helpful for those in treatment.

I think, re. the anxiety comment, you could delete 'Mumsnet' and insert 'The Internet'.

He may well be right@MrsMiaWallis but thats not the same as.... “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

I think she was right. I think she probably meant random strangers on the internet aren't to be relied on for support which is true. Best to get support in RL.
I have said that before on here but been told that some people don't have any RL support and MN Talk is literally all they have. Which is a bit of a dangerous position to be in IMO.

I certainly wouldn't be wasting valuable counselling time talking about the ins and outs of MN and asking what she meant by it. Move on from it and discuss the things that are really troubling you.

If your treatment plan involves not seeking reassurance then I guess it would make sense to reduce your time in Mumsnet. Is there an OCD element to your anxiety?

Is this a proper registered counsellor please? It seems an extraordinary thing
Why not Its spot on though, MN is full of posters who project their own issues and desperate to pull others into their own little hole

“One of the things you’re going to be working on over the next while is exactly this, working out what works for you and what doesn’t, deciding boundaries and putting things in perspective

I don’t think she’s the therapist for you.”

This. I dumped a dictatorial therapist earlier this year. I feel empowered by it even though she sent me a passive aggressive email, which I ignored. Some therapists aren’t a good fit and I needed someone to help me develop self-confidence. Pushing me around wasn’t the way to help me soooo I’m better off now ;)

I'm really surprised that your counsellor would make so many assumptions so early on in your relationship: that she knows how much you rely on MN, that she knows what's best for you, that only unhappy, unfulfilled people spend any amount of time on MN.

My experience with good therapy is that they avoid making assumptions and they spend time really learning about you and working through what you believe you need to work through as the client. It's supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. They should check out whether their tentative suggestions work for you, and help you find options, not direct you into one way of thinking (theirs).

If you've had poor experiences in the past, you may be just swapping one controlling relationship for another.

I'd be looking for a more client-centred therapist.

@Sparklingbrook

I think she was right. I think she probably meant random strangers on the internet aren't to be relied on for support which is true. Best to get support in RL. I have said that before on here but been told that some people don't have any RL support and MN Talk is literally all they have. Which is a bit of a dangerous position to be in IMO.

I certainly wouldn't be wasting valuable counselling time talking about the ins and outs of MN and asking what she meant by it. Move on from it and discuss the things that are really troubling you.

This!

I am a counsellor, I'm currently not practising as I am coming to terms with a recent life changing event.
The only support available for most people, including me, is on-line. I have a good support network but meeting up is difficult and they are not trained therapists so there really is a limit to what I can or should burden them with.

I've reached out on MN and appreciated the support. @notmenotmine find your support where you can. Don't slavishly follow MN or another group

@bruffin

Is this a proper registered counsellor please? It seems an extraordinary thing Why not Its spot on though, MN is full of posters who project their own issues and desperate to pull others into their own little hole

I do wish MN had a like button

@randomer

He may well be right@MrsMiaWallis but thats not the same as.... “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

They don't though!

Nonsense.A counsellor is a stranger?

Is it the assumption that a 'proper registered counsellor' wouldn't say such terrible things about MN/the internet? Only unqualified pretend ones would?

Your counsellor is right. Mn should be used judiciously and bear in mind mn is online strangers with helpful and unhelpful subjective opinions

Your counsellor had to go through training & supervision and cpd to opine on your mental health. Absolutely no one on mn (irrespective of their RL job or training) can safely or adequately comment on your mental health or issues.

Mn is full of arm chair psychiatrists. Posters shout narcissist about any unsavoury or inappropriate behaviour

Get highlights is considered good advice for any personal crisis

I wholeheartedly agree with your counsellor

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Your counsellor is right. Mn should be used judiciously and bear in mind mn is online strangers with helpful and unhelpful subjective opinions

Your counsellor had to go through training & supervision and cpd to opine on your mental health. Absolutely no one on mn (irrespective of their RL job or training) can safely or adequately comment on your mental health or issues.

Mn is full of arm chair psychiatrists. Posters shout narcissist about any unsavoury or inappropriate behaviour

Get highlights is considered good advice for any personal crisis

I wholeheartedly agree with your counsellor

All of this ^

Don't forget the Spa Day too!

@notmenotmine
As PP's have stated...Some counsellors are not suitable for you.
She sounds a bot judgemental.
I have had crap counsellors, but only realised how crap they were by having a really good one!

A good one says he gives the initial consultation free, to see if you are capable of working together.

I really hope you find a good one that you feel comfortable with.

@Sparklingbrook,I would say for a registered counsellor to make a judgemental, sweeping and clearly untrue statement during the first session, seems odd to say the least.

In my experience I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find the 2 great counsellors I have had.

If I were doing it again I would have backed away from some of them sooner and got less hurt.

Several were so blatantly crap that I didn't go back a second time, and without exception the bad ones had (and showed) preconceptions, and the good ones either didn't have them or hid them well. Or perhaps their preconceptions happened to fit me perfectly, but I honestly don't think so.

As others have said, if she requires you to use your counselling time either arguing about MN or submitting to her bias then you can ask for someone else.
Alternatively if you continue to feel comfortable and she allows leaving that issue to one side to get on with what she can help you with then she could be worth your time and emotional investment.

*He may well be right@MrsMiaWallis but thats not the same as.... “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

They don't though!*

Even if this is true, you don't take away someone's existing support without helping them to find better support first.

Ahh yes get highlights, have a spa day. Mn panacea for any crisis

Well, I've found MN incredibly supportive. I got support when my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease - both practical and emotional. Just hearing from others that yes, it is a shit disease, I was allowed to be sad, I was allowed to grieve - it all helped me cope better because I had a place to vent and was therefore able to be strong and capable for my mum.

I also got support when my marriage broke down and my alcoholic husband ended up threatening to kill me and being taken away by the police. I got sensible practical advice on how to manage the practicalities, including interacting with SS.

Yes, there are some shitty people on MN, just as there are everywhere else online. But blanket statements about how awful it is are not helpful or accurate.

FWIW, right now I am happy, fulfilled and loving my life.

Only OP can assess whether or not their MN use is helpful or harmful to them - the therapist infantilising them by saying it is definitely one or the other isn't helpful at all.

OP, I tend to agree with what she's said, to be honest.

I'd never post on here for advice. Too many people with their own agendas or who are projecting. I've read so many threads where people have shouted abuse, torn the OP apart and encouraged them to break up their marriages over a post on the internet.