To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee you have completed misquoted me if you are referring to my post. I did not say the OP was ‘OCD’ (and if I was going to ask, I would say ‘do you suffer from OCD’ not ‘are you OCD...) but asked if it was an aspect of her anxiety. It would not be unusual. And common for a sufferer to look for reassurance in many ways, including the internet. I merely wondered if this is why the counsellor had suggested she reduce how much time she was on here. It was not an armchair diagnosis.

Why would you ask someone if they’re OCD if you’re not attempting to make a statement or suggestions about their presentation?
It closed down when op told you,no, she was not diagnosed with OCD

You feel "judged" by a counselor ? Of course she is judging you!! 😊 she is trying to help you.

I agree with counselor that you should be able to rely on your real life friends over a bunch of stranger online. However.... it is good that you feel you have that bit of happiness and that you can share your feelings on here! She shouldnt understimate that.

but!! Speak to your friends. Confy in them. They are you friends for a reason. They would love to help if you are struggling. Plus they might need some extra mh support themselves too rn..

OP “ The part that got to me was saying you don’t seek support from strangers if you have a full and happy life.”

Before I joined MN I was on a different chat board.

This was a while ago - to be honest I have parted company with a couple of good friends in the interim.

But joining that first board was invaluable, even at a time when I had lots of support IRL. when my father was dying of cancer, it was quite hard fir friends to hear what I had to say, and of course everyone has their own stuff to deal with.

So of many advantages to the strangers on the chat board

• when I posted it could be the middle of the night
• anyone who responds, you know you’ve not interrupted them etc
• when you offload really harsh stuff, the people who read and respond will be able to cope with it

also, I’d argue it’s an advantage sometimes to offload to people who don’t know you. Using the dad dying example, it was more upset for the friends who knew him as well as me.

I think your therapist sounds quite out of date.

Plus at a time like this, it’s hard because many people are indundated with extra issues like home schooling.

I didn’t ask if they were OCD. You can’t be OCD. It’s something you have. And is linked to anxiety. Which the OP does have.

Of course she is judging you!! 😊 she is trying to help you

That's not how counsellors help people.

@misswallis
Why should Op challenge the viewpoint of her therapist opinion of her mums net viewing habits.?..

Answer(The Therapist has only known Op for her first session,(Therapist has not enquired how often Op uses the mumsnet?
Therapist has not asked why,Op finds mumsnet useful/supportive?
(If Op is finding mumsnet beneficial in some way,and Op relates to Outside support away from mumsnet, her family.
(Why shouldn't Op carry on with mumsnet,as part of balanced range of different supportive networks,
(Granted I think idea of what therapist said encouraging Op to relate to real life friends, Op has said she feels she can not turn to them for support,
So Op needs to explore why not can she turn to them for support too?(are they genuine good friends and its her own insecurities preventing her from opening up to them emotionally or is it they are not really good friends for e.g they are judgemental or Shallow etc?(obviously she op needs then to make better friends than that etc

As long as Op is not on mums net on unhealthy amount that's out kilter/balance that she hardly relates to family/friends and suffers social anxiexty if she has to interact with anybody what is negative to this.
Op is fully aware of keeping perspective on the spectrum of different viewpoints on here, on mumsnet its mumsnett.
Its quite telling/ interesting that Op why getting along just fine until mentioned Mumsnet
Why is that? (I have hunch/gut feeling that cause social media gets obvious bad repuation for obvious reasons.
(That being counsellor therapist is human with flaws, (not god like)that negative press on social media,has influenced her therapist,opinion of mumsnet.
So for e.g instead of thinking there are some good and negative aspects to mums net /social media as long as used carefully..
She therapist has just come up with knee jerk reaction statements

Also like another @catmum2019,Counsellor Poster)
who sometimes comes on mumsnet said she believes Clients should be assertive speak up about topics,concerns etc that they feel is important to their well being and recovery in therapy.
Also she this counsellor therapist believes client is their own "expert" Counsellor therapist is to encourage,empower,support ,client to come to make sense of things that happened to them and to move forward in a way that works for them in a holistic way,healthy way..her role is as counsellor therapist is to be a facilator of this in a safe envoriment..

I agree the client Counsellor should be in balance flowing in sync
I don't agree that the Counsellor therapist/client relantship should be a power imbalance type of thing
Its healthy and gives more perspective to The therapist how to best support Client in a way that is healthy
Its not good/or healthy for client to be encouraged to have a co dependancy/clingy needy relantship on the part of Therapist..

If Client speaks up it encourages a healthy recovery/boundaries in this client relantship,and helps to prevent Co dependancy needy/clingy type relantship from client towards therapist ...

Ltb, Ive met some great people on mumsnet who have become RL friends.

@Donotlikemyname

The op in initial post has explained she has trouble opening up to friends and appears to have spent her first session detailing her use of mumsnet. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to bring up an online forum as a source of support, I might mention it briefly, I certainly couldn’t spend the best part of 50 mins talking in detail about it. If I was a counsellor listening to that I would be wondering if the client was indeed leading a full and happy life.

Erm.... that’s not what happened...

It was at most 15 minutes of the session where the counsellor asked me about my support network.

I told her I had my husband and close friends and she asked if I felt I could open up to them and turn to them if I was ever having a bad day.

I told her I could rely on them but I struggled to open up.
She asked if I’d spoken recently to anyone about my feelings of my past since becoming a mum. I told her I didn’t feel able to talk to my friends because I hate people seeing me vulnerable. She asked me if Id been bottling up how id felt.
I told her I talk to my husband and said I was also a member of MN and had sought support.

That’s when she told me to avoid it and made the comments about people fuelling each other’s anxieties and that it’s mostly full of people who don’t live full and happy lives.

I didn’t spend the full 50 minutes talking about my MN usage.
I had no reason to bring that up and only did because she asked if I’d ever told anyone how I feel and I mentioned that apart from my husband I’d only managed to type it out online.

So, in OP's scenario, a good counsellor would have encouraged OP to talk about her use of MN, and to make a judgment of whether or not it was healthy, and a good thing to do moving forward

We did talk about it. She asked me what support I had.

I went into detail.*

Earlier post of yours.

@Donotlikemyname

So, in OP's scenario, a good counsellor would have encouraged OP to talk about her use of MN, and to make a judgment of whether or not it was healthy, and a good thing to do moving forward

We did talk about it. She asked me what support I had.

I went into detail.*

Earlier post of yours.

@Donotlikemyname

Detail of WHY I’ve used MN (as explained in my last post)
Not detail of when, how long, what I say etc.

I see the op is being misrepresented and having to correct other posters summation about her therapy session

@notmenotime.
Sorry, but that information has only become available after I have posted. It does read like you have spent most of the session talking about MN - which would be a worry

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I see the op is being misrepresented and having to correct other posters summation about her therapy session

Misunderstood, not misrepresented.

Well I’m going to have a think about what she’s said.
Maybe log out for a few weeks and see how I feel.

@Donotlikemyname you misrepresented the op,she corrected you⬇️⬇️⬇️
By saying Erm.... that’s not what happened...

Tough one, OP. I think MN is great in respect of light stuff, there's always some wise advice or thoughts shared on just about everything which is really useful.

In respect of more difficult issues, it can be great as sometimes it's difficult to find people in your life who truly understand your position because they may not have had the same experiences as you. MN is great in that regard, in bringing people together and creating a community. It makes you feel less alone and that's great. But, and it's a big but, it might cause you more anxiety than what you already have, make you worry about things you haven't worried about. It can be quick to judge, inevitably, not always correctly.

I don't think there's anything wrong with using it. I do, however, think that you need to be clear in your mind as to where the line between it helping you and making you feel worse is, and you need to be able to take a step back at the right time. Perhaps this is where your counsellor was coming from.

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@Donotlikemyname you misrepresented the op,she corrected you⬇️⬇️⬇️
By saying Erm.... that’s not what happened...[/quote]
I suggest you read my last post.

@Donotlikemyname read it and I think you’re being mendacious with your interpretation
And well you would say that wouldn’t you

I think it's because you didn't agree with her but she told you to do it anyway, and said she is putting it in your treatment plan. I'd be like "Oh are you now?"

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@Donotlikemyname read it and I think you’re being mendacious with your interpretation
And well you would say that wouldn’t you[/quote]
Please feel free to elaborate on my mendacity ?
The op has provided further information that was not avaiable when I posted. I have since apologised for MISUNDERSTANDING the post.
Are you normally so suspicious and paranoid about other peoples intentions ?

Are you normally so expansive with your interpretation @Donotlikemyname
Given the dialogue in which you were corrected was between you & op I’d say the op knows how posts and her own intent when she posted
And having a go at me,in no way deflects that the op actually corrected your misrepresentation by saying By saying Erm.... that’s not what happened...

Erm.... that’s not what happened
In the sense of here is more information, that was not provided earlier.

She sounds awful. There are LOTS of things I will not discuss with my closest friends. I equally don't feel comfortable with a therapist. When I had a pregnancy scare (in my case falling pregnant would have been awful) I didn't tell anyone but DP and the GP. I'd be more likely to talk about it here because I'd feel more comfortable. Which is fairly crucial: the less comfortable you feel the less likely you are to talk freely and work through your issues/fears/worries.

I do in life, when I need it, find people I know but are more distant who are much more comfortable sounding boards. An anonymous forum can also be very helpful in that regard.

I'd change therapists. Clearly she doesn't want the business if she thinks it's a bad thing to turn to strangers for support. The irony...

OP also bear in mind how angry people seem to be getting on this board. A genuine friend would say that they are happy you're getting professional help. Yet this is the 10th page of mostly vitriol? I'd imagine this is why your therapist doesn't think MN has your best interests at heart.