To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

As a healthcare professional I do struggle with some of the “helpful” advice given by non qualified posters in my particular field. Part of our code of conduct is not to instruct but to offer advice but only in general terms.
Any clinical professional needs to have a complete history before making a diagnosis and going forward with therapy.
It’s ok to vent on MN but to seek and act on unqualified advice is quite dangerous.
When I had relationship problems earlier this year my first reaction was to confide in a couple of friends in rl. One who has known me and DH for years and the other who has been through something similar but doesn’t know DH. Their support was invaluable and frankly far more intelligent than some of the clap trap rolled out on mn.
I did try mn and was quite horrified by how nasty some posters can get if you reject their advice.

Is she a counsellor? Or some other type of therapist?
I ask because prescriptive approaches like this are at odds with “counselling”. This is her personal opinion, and it was unprofessional of her to offer it. As a professional trained in therapy I’d also suggest it was unhelpful and potentially counter-productive.

I understand where she's coming from. Luckily I have a thick skin but MNetters CAN pick on the most ridiculous, tiniest part of an OP and tear them to shreds.

I think she has a point. It's not bad when you ask strangers for advice. As long as you don't take it personally if they don't agree.

The problem here is surely not whether or whether not Mumsnet is a 'good thing' (it might be, it might not, it might depend where you post) but that she's setting your treatment goals for you!

That's absolutely pointless as that's not a goal you want to aim for.

Now if over time, it emerged this isn't a good place for you and you started to say that you'd like to cut down social media or mumsnet, then it would be great for her to help you facilitate that.

I don't like it when therapists tell you what to do and I really don't think on Day One they should be directing you away from a source of support that you personally feel helps you.

I've had a run of bad luck with therapists over the years, and this type of post just confirms to me that they really do set themselves up as the experts, but for a reason I can't fathom!

Some people don't have the personal resources to manage this kind of interaction. They don't know when to walk away, who to ignore and may be too vulnerable to cope with what they come across.

When you post here, you have to be able to hear people who agree, people who disagree but are constructive, and people who are just downright nasty. There will be really valuable posts that help you see things differently.

You may listen and change your mind. You may listen and understand something better, but ultimately stick to your guns.

Some people aren't in a place with the skills and energy to negotiate all that.

She doesn't yet know whether or not you are.

You are responsible for yourself. This is the conclusion a counsellor should be aiming to help you reach.

As such, is MN helping you more, or the counsellor? Cut back on whichever isn't helping you.

It's for you to judge the benefit you get from something, not her. It's your decision to make.

I think she's right. Sorry.

There’s something incredibly strange about this to me.

I have a chronic illness. It causes a shite load of pain and isolation so every once in a while a doctor recommends counseling (I’ve had it for several years, so it’s counseling once every few years, it feels like). When you have a disease, they often recommend that you try support groups as support groups can provide, well, support, in a way you may not get it otherwise. In the current way, these groups are sometimes online. A therapist then will ask you if you feel more supported or less supported by the group (some groups will occasionally make you feel more depressed, if everyone is just talking about how bad these disease is in some groups) and then determine if it’s enhancing your life. They don’t immediately say: avoid any support groups.

I realize this is not about chronic illness, but this is the second time someone seeing a counselor or someone needing help has tried to use Mumsnet for that help before seeing a counselor and been judged for it (a woman on another thread was unable to tell her whole story to a refuge worker as to why her case was urgent, as a result she is on low-priority - she should be very high-priority as her husband is raping her, which she put in the thread - and the care worker told her, after she got up the courage to send the thread to that care worker that the care worker would not read it as Mumsnet is a “judgmental” place).

I suspect that if you had said, “I’m part of an online support group for new mums,” and not mentioned Mumsnet, or, “I belong to an online support group for people with anxiety,” anything like this, without using the words Mumsnet, you wouldn’t have had the same reaction. Which is why I would agree with the posts by @ScrapThatThen and @ThatIsNotMyUsername.

As for your ACTUAL issue, I would say the same as PPs:
Do you feel better or more anxious after using MN?
Do you feel that your relationships suffer the more you use MN?
Do you feel you’re neglecting any relationships because you’re on MN so often?
Advising someone to just drop support (online or otherwise) is bizarre without asking these fundamental questions about whether it’s negatively affecting them. It sounds like it’s helped you more than not, but give it some thought first.

@PutThemInTheIronMaiden

I understand where she's coming from. Luckily I have a thick skin but MNetters CAN pick on the most ridiculous, tiniest part of an OP and tear them to shreds.

Yes. I've found MN interesting and helpful at times, but I've never found it truly supportive.

@ravenmum

Do you feel comfortable with her otherwise, or had you e.g. already taken a bit of a dislike to her? The patient relationship is really important in therapy - it's definitely worth looking around until you get someone you feel happy to open up to.

If I’m honest, yes I did feel comfortable with her.
My first thoughts were that she was really nice, friendly, calm. Really seemed interested in what I had to say.

It was only when we spoke about support and I mentioned MN that she made that comment.

Sometimes you need people who have similar experiences to validate your feelings though, if you cast your net wife then you’re more likely to catch that support from people who have experienced similar. Used correctly the internet is really helpful. What are the chances of your close support network having similar experiences and feelings? Virtually none. Also sometimes you don’t want those closet to you to know everything - talking about everything to everyone as a means of therapy is a largely outdated version of the 18th century emotional hydronic theory.

I’d challenge her and ask exactly why she thinks it’s an issue, think carefully what you get out of it and ask her to explain what’s wrong. Tbh she sounds like she’s repeating something she’s read in a journal rather than tailoring a treatment plan for you. She can’t know you after such a short period of time.

A counsellor is supposed to help you be the best YOU not mould your into a hypothetical person that the counselling hierarchy thinks is perfection.

Is this a proper registered counsellor please? It seems an extraordinary thing to say.

I’d challenge her and ask exactly why she thinks it’s an issue, think carefully what you get out of it and ask her to explain what’s wrong

Why on earth would you challenge her over it? It's her professional opinion.

Some people don't have the personal resources to manage this kind of interaction. They don't know when to walk away, who to ignore and may be too vulnerable to cope with what they come across.

Unfortunately that is just as true about managing interactions with a counsellor as it is true of online interactions. If a counsellor makes you feel judged in the very first session I would treat that as a red flag.

Aw now I feel I don't belong here. I'm here and I do have a full and happy life. Even my AIBUs on here are minor. Shit that irks me like MILs or a crossing with a CFer.

Some people are judge fuckers and they do all types of jobs. Some think social media is the devil and breaks up marriages , or some believe chat forums are a waste of time. But it's like hobbies. What's floats one person's boat is an idea of hell to someone else. Just because THEY think something is beneath them, it doesn't make it true. You therapist sounds like one of these, turning her nose up at something very popular because SHE dislikes it.

Omg so many typos -I’m sorry. Wide not wife, hydraulic theory you not your etc

Wrongly or rightly, mumsnet has got a pretty bad reputation for people who don't use it, it's an easy target.

@randomer

Is this a proper registered counsellor please? It seems an extraordinary thing to say.

@randomer

Yes.

If I’m honest, yes I did feel comfortable with her.

Sorry, I didn't see that posting when I said it was a red flag. If it's just one thing then I would want to "agree to differ" on it to start off with, and perhaps pick it up later. For me, how a counsellor reacts to that suggestion would be a good indicator for whether I could work with them or not.

If a counsellor makes you feel judged in the very first session I would treat that as a red flag

In fact OP, if you don't see your level of discomfort here as a red flag for this relationship, that may well be why you need counselling in the first place. It doesn't matter if she's 'right' or 'wrong' - who makes the rules anyway? Well, in your life, you make the rules, so if you feel she's giving you poor advice, drop her.

@MrsMiaWallis

I’d challenge her and ask exactly why she thinks it’s an issue, think carefully what you get out of it and ask her to explain what’s wrong

Why on earth would you challenge her over it? It's her professional opinion.

Because it might be based in a false assumption, it would be useful to understand why she said it. The OPs gut is questioning it, having initials after your name does not make you infallible. Always challenge something you don’t understand or feel is right. That way the right decision can be reached, even if the therapist is right it would really help the op to understand the therapists reasoning A professional opinion is just that, an opinion. Opinions can be challenged. I would have thought this was obvious.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive

Who do you think makes the rules about how sensitive we should be, OP? I spent lots of time in counselling to reach one simple, life changing conclusion: Each individual has their own individual set of boundaries and nobody has any right to say they're wrong.

This woman has crossed a boundary. You can tell, because it's made you feel shit. Life lesson: do not respond to that feeling by blaming yourself, ever. If someone crosses a boundary of yours, tell them. If they persist, drop them. The path to a contented, drama free life is that simple.

But mumsnetters don't really know the true facts about any situation, so although they can tell you what want you want to hear it might not actually be good advice.

I have (a male!) friend who is a counsellor who thinks Mumsnet (and some other online forums) can be positively damaging!

Sorry to keep pestering.....a proper, registered counsellor? What style of therapy is she offering....person centred, CBT, TA?