Withholding pudding if child hasn't eaten 'enough'

[Toriathebadger]

I'm a bit torn about this. DS3 (4) is becoming fussy, I think it's just a phase as he's always been a good eater and has plenty of fruit and veg. Just lately he's hardly been eating his meal and says he's gone off a lot of the food he would usually eat. His dad (ex dp) expects me to withhold pudding if ds hasn't eaten 'enough'. He does it with his dd (from previous) who is a fussy eater. He makes her stay at the table until she's eaten 'enough', and if she doesn't then she can't have pudding. It means she's often sat at the table alone shovelling food in reluctantly that she clearly doesn't want. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think there's a happy medium here, as I encourage ds to eat a bit more but ultimately if he's finished then I let him have pudding and don't make an issue out of it. Ex is horrified and thinks I'm ridiculous.

Who is being unreasonable? Either of us? Just different parenting styles?

If my children aren't hungry enough for dinner then they aren't hungry enough for a treat after dinner. They don't have to finish it but they do have to eat a sensible amount.

What are the puddings? If it is fruit or a yoghurt I would be more flexible. If it is an actual cake or biscuit I wouldn't let that be instead of dinner.

He's an ex dp for a reason I take it so don't do what he "expects" but what seems right to you. Personally I wouldn't do this as I don't like to get into food being a big deal and certain foods are a reward. Dinner is going to be as relaxed as I can make it.

Stop offering puddings at all.

I agree with you, although pudding is generally fruit or yoghurt, so I feel has nutritional value of its own. I would hold back on making puddings a regular part of meals if it’s becoming an issue.

Lose the puddings altogether for a few weeks and see what happens.

Yup, if pudding is anything other than fruit I'd just stop offering it at all.

Well if they are not hungry enough to eat the main meal they shouldn’t be having pudding. I don’t know many kids who would happily eat their healthy dinner if they knew they could just have something sugary instead

Depends on the pudding I think - I would always give fruit. My DS is similar age and if he's being fussy over something he previously likes, I do say well if you're not hungry for that you can't be hungry for your pudding (it's never exciting, a munch bunch yoghurt or something) and he'll have a bit more.

If it's something new and he's adamant he doesn't like it, I always ask he tries 3 mouthfuls to check if he likes it, and if he still doesn't I'll make him a piece of toast and fruit.

Our 4 year old is like this but then we have found leaving food out helps. So will have pudding and then she will to main if left on the table. Has been known to have a spoonful of yogurt followed by a roast potato but at least is eating. We do this because have realised a hangry four year old is no fun for anyone

I would do what you’re doing which is as long as they have given it a good go, they can have desert.

But if it’s causing that much conflict, maybe you should just stop offering it at all

Perhaps an open invitation to the fruit bowl for pudding but no sweet treats.
I don't make my DC clean their plate but if they don't eat their veg (I make sure they have veg that they like) then they don't get pudding ( if there is pudding, that is).

It depends on what the pudding is as a PP has said. If it's anything other than fruit,I would also go by the rule that if they aren't hungry enough to eat dinner then they don't need a pudding. I wouldn't pressure them to eat dinner. Just let them know there will be no pudding after.

We stopped giving pudding automatically when DD1 would eat 2 bites of dinner, have pudding, then want snacks. We don’t make DD’s clear their plates, but she has to eat a decent amount so she’ll be after dinner and pudding.

That is a horrible controlling way to approach food. It results in over eating.

We have 'pudding' about twice a week. One of my kids sometimes asks for less first course on those days. This is healthy food intake regulation imo. If they are hungry they just eat a full first course and pudding.

On the other days we have fruit with plain yogurt or toast after tea, they can do what they like - they sometimes have this, sometimes are full.

I would stop having pudding for a bit, and let the child eat what they want. The issue is making pudding the be all and end all of a meal.

I’m with you. Although we’ve never done pudding, as such, just fruit, yoghurt etc.

The whole concept of an adult deciding what is “enough” is wrong. It teaches them to override their own biofeedback and feelings of fullness, and longterm can lead to weight issues.

I was brought up not being allowed to leave the table until I’d eaten “enough”. I overeat now and stop eating when the plate is empty, rather than when I feel full. In fact it’s very difficult for me to recognise when I’m hungry or full.

One of my siblings has complicated routines before the child is allowed to leave the table- you must have 3 more bites of this, 2 more of that, then you can get down. So the child is no longer hungry but eats anyway.

You are going to create food issues long term with this attitude. Leaving a child alone at the table because she hadn't eaten enough? That's so unkind, and can cause eating disorders.

Is she otherwise an healthy child? I'd speak to a professional before you start a 'regime' around food.

My ds 3.5yo has taken to not eating much main and holding out for pudding. We've always provided pudding for both kids, since weaning. It's usually Greek yoghurt. Fruit. Once a week they have a choc ice. I've started saying no pudding unless he eats more but its making it a battle to get him to eat whatever I deem enough. Not sure whether to just take pudding out of the equation. Sometimes I get to the end of the day and realise that by stealth, he's mostly had biscuits or crisps and carbs. Opposite problem to Dd who mostly eats fruit and is 50% kale at this point. They're offered exactly the same foods through the day!

My dc aren't allowed a sweet pudding every night anyway, normally just fruit however they don't have to finish their meal to get it. I expect them to have had a bit of everything though and a reasonable amount of veg.

Recipe for disaster to be so controlling over food.

I tend to find if the pudding on offer is fruit or something fairly unexciting they eat more main. So I tend to ask them to eat a bit more (if they have only picked at the main) then offer an alternative (less exciting) pudding. However I also allow them to leave food if they have been given a large portion (DH) and try to never ‘Fill’ their plate with food. It is also a bit of a judgement call whether they are genuinely full or not.

I half agree with him. Like everyone else, depends what pudding is. Fruit I’d still give, cakes and biscuits no.

I’ve never done the clean plate thing, as I remember many unhappy meal times eating food when I wasn’t hungry. Definitely encourage to have more though.

I'd rather not have pudding through the week but my husband has pudding every night as thats he grew up with

My dds dont get pudding if they dont eat almost all of their dinner. Dd1(5) is quite a fussy eater and would much rather fill up on pudding so we do need to encourage her to eat her meal. Dd2(2) will eat all of her meal no problem but often doesn't want pudding

I’m with your ex here (though I loathe the notion of pudding being given after every meal, unless it’s fruit of a small yoghurt).

It’s an entire waste of food and sets the wrong message to kids. Leave what’s good for you just eat the nice stuff. They don’t eat pudding because they’re hungry, they eat it because it’s lovely - often cramming it in when they’re already full. You wouldn’t offer him seconds if he didn’t finish his first helping, don’t offer pudding.

"The food our children eat" by Joanna Blythman is a really helpful book about children's eating patterns

She advises against making pudding a reward for eating main course, as it reinforces the idea that eg carrots are something horrible to be tolerated in order to get the reward of a pudding. Her advice us to allow pudding as normal, but only the normal amount ie don't give more pudding to fill them up

She has loads of helpful strategies and advice

I'm with you, but I also think that most of the time 'pudding' should be something that's also fairly healthy e.g. Fruit, plain yoghurt.