Withholding pudding if child hasn't eaten 'enough'

[Toriathebadger]

I'm a bit torn about this. DS3 (4) is becoming fussy, I think it's just a phase as he's always been a good eater and has plenty of fruit and veg. Just lately he's hardly been eating his meal and says he's gone off a lot of the food he would usually eat. His dad (ex dp) expects me to withhold pudding if ds hasn't eaten 'enough'. He does it with his dd (from previous) who is a fussy eater. He makes her stay at the table until she's eaten 'enough', and if she doesn't then she can't have pudding. It means she's often sat at the table alone shovelling food in reluctantly that she clearly doesn't want. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think there's a happy medium here, as I encourage ds to eat a bit more but ultimately if he's finished then I let him have pudding and don't make an issue out of it. Ex is horrified and thinks I'm ridiculous.

Who is being unreasonable? Either of us? Just different parenting styles?

If you’re too full for dinner, no room for pudding. Kids don’t need pudding anyway. Offer fruit.

We got round this in my house by not having pudding regularly. When we do it's at a different time than the meal, like an hour or so later, and not dependent on dinner eating or anything else.

I try to encourage my children to eat what their given, but I never ever force it. It's frustrating when they won't eat things, but I don't make an alternative. I will put their dinner in the fridge and they can come back to it if they are hungry though. Which they often do.

I offer fruit if they haven’t eaten all their dinner, usually they will turn it down. We don’t have pudding every night but often offer a small chocolate bar (Kit Kat or penguin) if they are still hungry. We don’t really do snacks throughout the day and no chocolate in lunchboxes so it’s the only sweet thing they get, sometimes they have yoghurt and fruit but proper puddings are usually once a week if we have a roast.

No pudding but definitely don't encourage to finish just so they can get pudding you could be creating life long issues with food reward. My DS 8 and DD 4 eat it or just leave it but no mention of pudding. If your done fine leave the table but don't pester for snacks wait till the next meal. If they do eat it all they can have something either after or as a snack midway between the next meal.

I did what @AurorasGingerbreadHouse did. Allowed time to finish then dinner got covered in case they were hungry later, nothing else offered. Both dc eat everything now(late teens) but one was very fussy for a few years.

I am with your ex do on this one. Assuming there is pudding and my view is it should only be on occasions such as birthdays and other special events.

We don't do pudding but I give the kids a snack after school instead.

For what it's worth, it's not unusual for kids to become fussy eaters at this age. I'd continue serving a healthy balanced meal, but don't put pressure on your child to finish it.

Making someone else's pudding conditional on eating what you decide is 'enough' of the main just encourages overeating.

@nosswith

I am with your ex do on this one. Assuming there is pudding and my view is it should only be on occasions such as birthdays and other special events.

You think pudding should only be for special occasions? Is that what you meant to say?

@Circumlocutious

So is there an age cut off where you deem your child magically capable of assessing their own hunger? What age is that? Are you fine with other adults telling your child that they have to eat ‘all their dinner’? Especially since people plate up different portion sizes all the time, and what one adult thinks is a small portion, another thinks is massive.

You have wrongly inferred that I make my kids eat all their dinner. I don't at all, I have never stressed about food. They have always been healthy weights so I let them eat what they want from their plate, sometimes they clear it, sometimes they barely touch it- I was like this even when they were babies and toddlers, I've never offered alternative food and never demanded they clear their plate. Children are no different adults in that appetite fluctuates.

However, if they haven't eaten all their dinner, they don't get offered pudding, simple as that. We don't do puddings very often at all, I don't usually announce pudding prior to the meal, but why would I give ice cream if they haven't eaten all their vegetables? Usually their main meal is more nutritious so that is the priority.

@SimonJT

Food is never used as a punishment or a reward in this house. If we are having dinnner and pudding then thats what I give my son, if he eats more pudding than he does dinner thats fine.

My policy too. Pudding is just another part of the meal, not a 'reward' for having eaten the first part!

It means she's often at the table alone shovelling food in reluctantly that she clearly doesn't want. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

Exactly! That's not fostering a healthy attitude to food.

Key is not to make an issue of mealtime.
Personally don’t think there is anything wrong with puddings, making it taboo and a special treat will also lead to problems imo.
My teen loves any food now not so much at an earlier age. Mealtime was a relaxed affair, she would eat when she had had enough. I would make a rainbow of different finger food at the mealtime too, so I knew she was getting her 5 a day, eg sliced cucumbers, carrots etc
We are all slim and we love our puddings

Just offer foods you want your child to eat, and let them make their own decisions.

Do not do this he will eat when he wants, I was made to eat when I didn't want to. In later years ended up an eating disorder. I am okay now, but please don't do this and show him this post to stop him doing it to his daughter.

Very old school approach and to Sargent major like, try not to make to much fuss about it.
Let him eat his pudding too if he wants it. At least his eating, he will grow out of it. X

This is a really good point, we both need to accept that the rules are different at each house.

Thanks for all the responses, so much great advice. Interestingly, it was the ex who introduced a pudding after every evening meal in the first place, it wasn't a thing in my house growing up.

Puddings are usually fruit, yoghurt, or a biscuit.

The idea of switching to only fruit is great, I'm going to do this. Ds loves fruit, he has a good diet. I did blw with him and he's always had good eating habits, so I do think this is just a fussy phase. I absolutely agree that making an issue out of it is a mistake. I also need to accept then when he's at his dad's he's going to experience a different approach. But the ex needs to back off and stop expecting me to shift my boundaries to be in line with his. He is an ex because of his controlling behaviour, as in everything in the house and with the kids had to be his way otherwise it turned into an endless debate.

There's nothing wrong with not offering pudding if the child is too full to finish the main course.

There is a lot wrong with making them stay at the table until they have eaten "enough"

I have a professional interest in food and how it causes dental disease. We know that frequency not content is the main problem.
All of us start out in life with an on/off switch in the hunger centre in our brain. When we have eaten enough it switches off and we stop eating. Unfortunately modern parent anxiety starts to over ride this simple feed back system very early on particularly in bottle fed babies. Constant encouragement and parental reward ( smiling/ interaction etc) encourages babies and children to ignore the full feeling and continue eating.
Also rigid mealtimes means that you may be feeding a child before they are hungry. This results in them topping up and probably not eating very much.
Modern feeding both bottle and breast encourages feeding on demand. It may be inconvenient but it produces healthier eating patterns. If you continue it into toddler and childhood ( where possible) children will eat well.Wait until a child asks for food.
How many parents have a snack ready for when children return from school, then feed a full evening meal that is often not eaten. Try feeding them the evening meal when they are ravenous straight from school.

A child who still has an active on/off hunger centre will only eat what they need, when you are full you are full. If a pudding is on offer then they have worked out that they need to leave room.
We don’t have puddings at home apart from fruit. DS was never forced/ coerced into finishing what was on his plate. I learnt that he would only eat when he was hungry so giving him a snack to ‘keep him going’ was a mistake.
He is now well over 6ft (16) eats the equivalent of a small family of four, BUT when he is full he stops eating and if he is not hungry will refuse food. When eating out he will always ‘leave room’ for pudding because it’s a treat.
A few basic rules of thumb active growth phases are early years and teenage years they will eat anything and everything particularly protein based foods. Steady growth phases ( 2-12) they will naturally eat less.
A child refusing to finish a meal may just be full.

I don't let my daughter fill up on pudding. She has to eat a reasonable amount of things I know she likes..plus try things that are new or not so popular, just a tiny bite..I don't serve things I know she hates.

@SimonJT we have the same ethos here. Because she knows there is pudding regardless, she tends to eat her fill of the healthy stuff and currently she more often than not doesn’t bother with any pudding. Sadly, our wider family do reward and punish with food and the child has confessed to being scared of parents due to food issues.

No, never. The only time my DCs don’t get pudding is if they have actually done something naughty. Not being hungry or being a fussy eater is not being naughty. I know some will say if they aren’t hungry for dinner they can’t be hungry for pudding, I ask you this, how many times have you felt stuffed only for you to still find room for a nice desert?

I never make my DCs stay at the table alone to finish food. I know what they like and how much they will usually eat and I serve their meals to suit each one, sometimes that may mean each gets a different meal, sometimes it just means I will just substitute certain items. There are times they wolf their food and other times they pick. If I’m giving them something I know they may not like, or they definitely don’t like (veg) I only ask they try it, 2 or 3 bites or so. But there is always something I know they like on the plate, if that means making separate meals then I will. If I’m introducing something completely new then I will have a back up ready in case they don’t like it, even if it’s just sandwiches.

I know others will do all the, I’m not making separate meals, they can eat what we eat line. I have several medical conditions and suffer from chronic pain and fatigue, it’s not that hard to ensure your DCs have meals they will eat even if those meals vary from what your eating, if I can do it so can others. And it’s not pandering to them, it’s making sure they have food in their tummys.

My ds was fussy eater, and with health conditions and was under the dietitian. She said he can have pudding, just not the seconds just to fill the hunger for not eating dinner.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

Aldo ex DP has no rules around food and just gives the DC what they fancy. They know that the rules are different in each house and adapt brilliantly. I never question their dad's house rules other than to point out to DC that I believe in table manners and eating a balanced diet.

Sorry, I meant to quote the post by @SuperCaliFragalistic about children being able to accept different rules in different houses as part of my reply!

I think you're quite right to not make it an issue or battle. Dd1 was/is quite fussy and we had a you need to eat "some" vegetables policy - she could choose which and how much: if not much main was eaten then fruit, plain yoghurt, oat cake offered. Now as a teen, she eats "tolerates" vegetables and often turns down a pudding.

Don't force a child to eat anything, ever. Let them eat what they fancy from what is offered. Certainly don't use food as a punishment or an incentive.

My grandmother lived through two wars, the depression and all that. Her generation might have been thought to be strict on this but her regular admonition as she served meals was "Don't eat anything you don't want!'

Don't hurt a child by refusing them pudding. Just don't.

@myneighboursarerude

I’m with your ex here (though I loathe the notion of pudding being given after every meal, unless it’s fruit of a small yoghurt).

It’s an entire waste of food and sets the wrong message to kids. Leave what’s good for you just eat the nice stuff. They don’t eat pudding because they’re hungry, they eat it because it’s lovely - often cramming it in when they’re already full. You wouldn’t offer him seconds if he didn’t finish his first helping, don’t offer pudding.

Totally agree with this. My job as a parent is guiding my DC into good habits regarding eating/ sleeping etc. If they are allowed to self regulate and eat what they like it would be junk/ sweet foods. There is no discussion or control. I offer healthy meals, model good manners and expect them to politely say when they are finished. There is no alternative but I dont give them things they dislike( very little) Pudding is a once a week thing, either Friday or Saturday and yes it is a treat.

I think once these things stop being a treat is when you end up with people eating junk food all day .
Lets face it we have an epidemic of obesity ,we didnt have that when families sat down to eat together .
We all enjoy our food and no we arent miserable