Withholding pudding if child hasn't eaten 'enough'

[Toriathebadger]

I'm a bit torn about this. DS3 (4) is becoming fussy, I think it's just a phase as he's always been a good eater and has plenty of fruit and veg. Just lately he's hardly been eating his meal and says he's gone off a lot of the food he would usually eat. His dad (ex dp) expects me to withhold pudding if ds hasn't eaten 'enough'. He does it with his dd (from previous) who is a fussy eater. He makes her stay at the table until she's eaten 'enough', and if she doesn't then she can't have pudding. It means she's often sat at the table alone shovelling food in reluctantly that she clearly doesn't want. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think there's a happy medium here, as I encourage ds to eat a bit more but ultimately if he's finished then I let him have pudding and don't make an issue out of it. Ex is horrified and thinks I'm ridiculous.

Who is being unreasonable? Either of us? Just different parenting styles?

If I ever put something like onion or pepper or whatever in Bolognese for example, the bowl ends up with all the veg sat at the bottom at the end of the meal. They are sneaky with it 😂 I need to hide it better

Blend the sauce

What a weird ass thread. MN honestly blows my mind sometimes.

Yoghurt and fruit is considered dessert?

We have dessert most nights. Usually ice cream. There’s always ice cream in the freezer. Help yourself. Eat what you like, or don’t. I don’t give a fuck.

None of my kids are obese or have issues with food.

Haven't rtft.
Never make eating something conditional on eating something else. All kinds of wrong.
If you think your child is refusing food to get pudding, stop offering pudding after a meal.
We don't have pudding every day, but anyone can have something sweet or additional food later in the evening if they're interested or hungry..
The clear your plate philosophy sucks and sets kids up for eating disorders.

That is a horrible controlling way to approach food. It results in over eating.

Yes I honestly think that having it drummed into you as a child to clear your plate is responsible for adults of today overeating. I still feel I have to do it now 30 years later!

It was a much commoner approach to how DC ate in the 1960s and 1970s - a time known for much lower rates of obesity.

Not saying that some individuals don't have nasty memories of how it was for them, but at a population effect? As part of a time when you were just expected to eat at meals (no snacking, ok to be hungry until next time to eat) and not give DC so much food they are overfaced by it.

@RancidOldHag

It was a much commoner approach to how DC ate in the 1960s and 1970s - a time known for much lower rates of obesity.

Not saying that some individuals don't have nasty memories of how it was for them, but at a population effect? As part of a time when you were just expected to eat at meals (no snacking, ok to be hungry until next time to eat) and not give DC so much food they are overfaced by it.

People who were children in the 60/70s are largely overweight adults who raised overweight children.

Ex DP's approach is old-skool and results in a weird approach to eating. You shouldn't stuff things in that you don't want. And treating pudding as a special reward food makes it more desirable and reinforces emotional binge eating.

We've cut back on when DC can have sweet things, they have one thing a day (small bit of cake, yoghurt and honey, tinned fruit, biscuit etc) and can have it whether they finish the main meal or not. We leave the main meal on the table and they often return to it after eating the sweet thing.

If you don't give sweet things in volumes that are big enough to fill them up, they can't fill up on sweet stuff and will eat the savoury as well if they're hungry.

I have memories of being forced to eat food I didn't want and I don't think it did me any good, it just reinforced food as a power tussle.

I love MN where it’s a crime to give any pudding that isn’t fruit more than once a month 😂

DS is a fussy eater I give him meals I know he will eat, while encouraging him to try other foods. We allow him a pudding after tea. One with sugar in and everything! If he hasn’t eaten much I might ask him to eat a couple more forkfuls of veg, which he will do as it’s always something he likes.

I made a decision not to let food be a battle. He’s fussy, but I go with it because I don’t want meal times to be a battle, and I want him to be relaxed around food. He would happily live off cake and chocolate if I let him, but I think a small pudding after his tea is fine and means they are normal rather than something to be devoured. He’s a tall skinny boy so I’m not at all worried about his food intake.

I remember being forced to sit and eat at school as a kid. I hated it. Thankfully my mum never did it. An and she allowed pudding. I’ve ended up with a healthy attitude towards food and have never been overweight.

To have been raised (not born) in the 60s/70s you would be about 50-70 now

In men that age, obesity is very high, but the peak age for women is lower than that. These were however people who were not obese in the 80s/90s when population rates were so much lower.

So looking at what has changed in eating habits since the 80s is important. And the simpler 'just eat up' message (like food is fuel, and just another good behaviour issue) seems to have had effects lasting a couple of decades (both sexes) and longer (women), though obesity of course did increase in all groups.

I agree that they certainly did raise obese DC - perhaps they would have raised fewer of them if they had adopted the same approach as their parents?

I have no idea what constitutes a ‘pudding’ as I’m
Not from here, but my children will routinely NOT eat so they could get yoghurt/fruits/dessert at the end of each meal. Each child is different and before you punish them by withholding something - try and figure out why they are not eating etc. Mine just preferred anything to a main meal. They don’t necessarily finish their meal and I never force them to, they eat until they are full.

@lioncitygirl

I have no idea what constitutes a ‘pudding’ as I’m Not from here, but my children will routinely NOT eat so they could get yoghurt/fruits/dessert at the end of each meal. Each child is different and before you punish them by withholding something - try and figure out why they are not eating etc. Mine just preferred anything to a main meal. They don’t necessarily finish their meal and I never force them to, they eat until they are full.

Pudding is dessert here. So essentially the things you've mentioned, fruit, yogurt, cake, ice cream, sweet etc.