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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Withholding pudding if child hasn't eaten 'enough'

336 replies

Toriathebadger · 13/12/2020 07:31

I'm a bit torn about this. DS3 (4) is becoming fussy, I think it's just a phase as he's always been a good eater and has plenty of fruit and veg. Just lately he's hardly been eating his meal and says he's gone off a lot of the food he would usually eat. His dad (ex dp) expects me to withhold pudding if ds hasn't eaten 'enough'. He does it with his dd (from previous) who is a fussy eater. He makes her stay at the table until she's eaten 'enough', and if she doesn't then she can't have pudding. It means she's often sat at the table alone shovelling food in reluctantly that she clearly doesn't want. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think there's a happy medium here, as I encourage ds to eat a bit more but ultimately if he's finished then I let him have pudding and don't make an issue out of it. Ex is horrified and thinks I'm ridiculous.

Who is being unreasonable? Either of us? Just different parenting styles?

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 13/12/2020 08:13

I think it’s actually abusive to make children eat when they’ve had enough or don’t want to. I had horrible memories of my Mum and school doing the same to me and it made me so anxious I was often physically sick in the lead up to school lunchtimes.

I think food should never be used as a punishment or reward. Ever. Personally we don’t do puddings as such but my children eat however much they like of dinner and if they haven’t eaten much that’s fine - if they’re hungry later they can have a snack like some toast / fruit / whatever else they fancy. I don’t make any issue of it at all.

ForestDad · 13/12/2020 08:13

Can't believe how many people don't have pudding! Or just fruit. Wonder who's buying all the ready made/frozen puddings in the supermarket then! Maybe they are just there for show...
It's a minefield, we normally have something for pudding, sometimes shop bought like a trifle, home made like crumble or fruit and yoghurt.
The kids aren't allowed to ask what's for pudding until after everyone's finished. Mainly because it's annoying though! I am concerned about 'making' them eat too much at meal times but really I don't think that having a couple of extra mouthfuls of spag bol is as bad as letting them pester you for an extra pack of sweets that week.

SimonJT · 13/12/2020 08:14

Food is never used as a punishment or a reward in this house. If we are having dinnner and pudding then thats what I give my son, if he eats more pudding than he does dinner thats fine.

Bagelsandbrie · 13/12/2020 08:16

We do have puddings - just not straight after a meal. So maybe later on in the evening or as a treat in the afternoon etc. I’m always too full up to eat a pudding straight after a meal!

SimonJT · 13/12/2020 08:18

@Bagelsandbrie

Yep, this. We were forced to clear our plates as children, we had no control over the portion size on that plate. If we didn’t eat it we sat there all night, and I mean all night. I used to eat it as quickly as I could, I would then often be sick. Me going on to develop bulimia really shouldn’t have been a surprised, I had been essentially taught to binge and then vomit.

WhoseThatGirl · 13/12/2020 08:18

We don’t do pudding in this house either. The kids can have a treats like cake or ice-cream but they generally have it outside of meal times.
I do sometimes encourage my son to eat his veg or try something new. He honestly never would if I didn’t and occasionally that been with a bribe/threat of sweets.

Oysterbabe · 13/12/2020 08:19

I don't battle over food. The kids are presented with a meal, and sometimes a pudding too, and they can eat it or not.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 08:19

I am not sure either of you is correct.

Why are puddings the norm? Do you always have pudding as an adult? Most kids given the option will go for the sweet stuff.

I would make puddings an occasional treat, start reducing them, it’s unhealthy to always have puddings.

However forcing a child to eat when they don’t wish to is abhorrent.

So I don’t think either of you are modelling healthy eating to your child. He makes him eat food he does not want and uses food as a punishment or a treat, and you’re happy letting them eat puddings instead of enough of their main meal. The whole thing is not good.

Wyntersdiary · 13/12/2020 08:20

To be honest i wouldn't allow a pudding at all, that's not a normal way to eat as its having something sweet or sugary every day.

when your in a restaurant then its fine as a treat but after dinner is going tobe way too many calories and sugar for an everyday thing.

Isthatitnow · 13/12/2020 08:20

I’ve always taken the view that banning pudding just makes it something to be coveted and as it can be high sugar, high fat, high calorie offerings, this probably isn’t the best way to do things. I don’t do pudding as standard and it is frequently just fruit or youghurt but if it’s something more, I simply don’t mention it. I only ask that food is tried - doesn’t have to be finished and Ingive the pudding, whatever it is, without making any fuss whatsoever. Of three children, 2 are amazing eaters, the third is more fussy but not overly so.

hettie · 13/12/2020 08:21

No pudding here either, if anyone is still hungry after dinner (usually teen D's), they can have toast, cheese and crackers, yoghurt or fruit. I mean we obviously eat pudding some days, maybe at the weekend wth a roast, or on a Friday film night (pizza and ice cream). Eating a pudding everyday because that's what you grew up with doesn't sound very flexible in thinking tbh. I grew up without seatbelts and when everyone used to smoke on the tube. We stopped those things because they were not terribly great for us...

DianaT1969 · 13/12/2020 08:22

Adults don't have pudding regularly, so why children? Can you imagine a culture where obesity isn't widespread doing this? "Here, small child, you've had a few sugary snacks already today, but once you are full from your evening meal, I'm going to reward you with another sugar treat."

shallbe · 13/12/2020 08:23

Of course you withhold pudding if they haven't eaten their dinner, if they're too full for dinner they should be too full for pudding. If you've introduced something new I'd be a bit more flexible if they've tried it, but I've stopped puddings recently as mine just aren't eating all their dinner so what's the point getting it in.

shallbe · 13/12/2020 08:24

(Just to add pudding is usually only a weekend thing)

flaviaritt · 13/12/2020 08:24

Surely he doesn’t get to ‘expect’ anything of you as he’s your ex?

We don’t have many puddings. But when we do, it’s offered after the meal whether my daughter ate her dinner or not. I’m not in charge of what she eats. I just offer her plenty of healthy food. Mostly she has most of it, sometimes not.

MillieEpple · 13/12/2020 08:24

I am not a fan of forcing peoole to eat more than they want of one type of food to earn a reward of an unhealthy food.

The easiest way is to move away from pudding as a unhealthy trear thing. We sometimes include fruit as part of a meal but i dont care if its the first, middle or last thing they eat.

cologne4711 · 13/12/2020 08:25

@WheresMyMask

Do people really have 'pudding'?

For us that's very much a Christmas, birthday, or meal out treat.

Yes I'd be like the side of a house if I ate "pudding" every day although DH sometimes makes a crumble.

I don't remember ever having these conflicts with ds, probably because we didn't have pudding though! Although I did buy small yogurts for him which must have (a) been full of sugar and (b) been horrible for the planet with all the plastic. We don't get yogurts now because of all the sugar.

However, I had to sit and eat cold vegetables a few times. What's the point? If your child doesn't like them, give them something else. It's not as if because they wouldn't eat carrots at 4 that they won't eat them at 24 (or if they still don't like carrots, they may like courgettes. My DS wouldn't and still won't eat peas, but he does like sprouts of all things).

unicornparty · 13/12/2020 08:26

What is your pudding? If a child is full then they're full, they don't then need to eat a load of sugar. I'd stop offering pudding if I were you.

BarryTheKestrel · 13/12/2020 08:26

Mine get fruit or yoghurt as standard if they are still hungry after a meal but if they don't eat the meal then they clearly aren't hungry, especially when its something they like/have chosen to eat. On occasion they will get a kinder bar or something after dinner but they never know when so it doesn't alter their behaviour in terms of eating.

Consider what constitutes pudding in your house and if they would choose to not eat their favourite food in favour of it, if so, change or remove the idea of pudding for a time to change the mindset.

Sarahandco · 13/12/2020 08:26

Clearing plates is a very old fashioned idea and potentially leads to overeating. I agree though that if a child just wants the sweet stuff and therefore doesn't eat enough of the meal then they should not be allowed to just skip to pudding. But if they have eater enough and like others say the pudding is fruit and yoghurt then it can be just as good as the dinner. If it is apple crumble and custard or trifle then that is different!

SuperCaliFragalistic · 13/12/2020 08:27

My DS is similar. He is 5.5 and at the very bottom on the weight charts, he has no body fat, his clothes fall off him but he has bags of energy. He eats his dinner fine but not in huge quantities. He tends to leave the vegetables as he is full up after 3 mouthfuls of pasta or potato or whatever. He also finds chewing meat hard work so tends to leave that unless it is something easy like mince. Pudding in our house is a small biscuit, couple of spoons of ice cream or something homemade like a fairy cake. If he claims he has finished his main course he knows he won't get his pudding if he hasn't eaten much but usually I just say 2 more mouthfuls of veg or one small piece of meat and he happily does it. He knows that this is because he will claim to be starving an hour later and I am very strict about only giving fruit for a bedtime snack.

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/12/2020 08:28

I dont think youd find anything as sweet as most yogurts (esp children's yogurts) as part of a main course.

SimonJT · 13/12/2020 08:30

@Porcupineinwaiting

I dont think youd find anything as sweet as most yogurts (esp children's yogurts) as part of a main course.

I’m also surprised by how many posters are offering yoghurt on a regular basis, most are very heavy in sugar.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 13/12/2020 08:30

Aldo ex DP has no rules around food and just gives the DC what they fancy. They know that the rules are different in each house and adapt brilliantly. I never question their dad's house rules other than to point out to DC that I believe in table manners and eating a balanced diet.

Christmas1935 · 13/12/2020 08:30

We go for a balance of the two.

First of all, we don't offer pudding after every meal.

So on normal nights, the dinner stays where it is, if the kids want snacks they have to have eaten all their dinner first, and waited 30 minutes to check they really are hungry.

After a certain time of night it is fruit or weetabix only. I find if they are legitimately hungry they will eat that, if not then they won't bother; but if it's snacks on offer they'll eat when not hungry.

When we have cake etc, everyone has to eat all their vegetables to get dessert. So they don't have to clear their plates, but they do have to prove that they have eaten healthy first.

Children should be able to regulate themselves, so I'm trying to teach them about listening to their bodies.

Whilst not nutritionally the best choice, it's probably better calorie wise to forfeit some of your dinner to add in a dessert that you want, than force down dinner and then add additional and unnecessary calories on top with dessert.

They will need to live in a world with access to lots of treats, so learning how to manage it is sensible.

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