To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

[CurtainWitcher]

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

Only my opinion , and I don't have teenagers yet, but I personally dont think this is a big issue. Your DH also seems to have dealt with it in a good way by saying your DD should help you out when you are ill etc . Perhaps take a view from those with teenagers but I would say its normal fornDD to go to dad when mum says something she doesn't like . Perhaps just talk to her about the recording part and how this is unacceptable

I think you need to have a talk about respectful boundaries with technology, that's not a great thing to do but I think as a 'digital native' maybe it didn't seem like a big deal to her. Not sure how I would approach it but the secrecy and lack of permission/consent are not ok. I think they cover this sort of thing in PSHE at school so you could ask her what she's learned and how it applies to this situation, rather than 'lecturing' her?

Thank you Wales34. That's a relief.

It left me feeling isolated in my own family. I'm glad I'm probably over-reacting.

Thank you RosyPickle.

It seemed so underhanded. I'll remind her about consent.

YANBU to feel upset, but I agree with pp that someone of your DD's generation (who probably sees people videoing others without their knowledge often on YouTube etc) wouldn't see this as a big deal.

But I think you're totally right to tell her you don't find this acceptable, and to tell DH that if she ever does it again he needs to tell her to stop immediately.

Your child sounds anxious, not lazy, sulking and whining. She might be more respectful to you, if you do the same to her.

That’s a giant nope from me. You’re entitled to expect privacy in your home of all places and she’s not a young child. DH should have said something too.

Boundaries and consent chat.

Thanks KittenCallledBob.

Hayeahnobut, yes, she is anxious, but she is also lazy, sulky and whiney.

I'd be pissed off. In my mind she is trying to divide and conquer

Thanks KatieGGGG. It feels like a big deal to me. I think I'm more bothered about DH's response, especially as I suspect this is isn't the first time DD has done this.

I think you are BU to force a 13 year old to do something she obviously doesn't want to! Surely at that age she is entitled to some choice over how she spends her free time. Singing is great, but much of the fun is the camaraderie of doing it with others - it really isn't the same over zoom (I've been singing with my choir since march via zoom, and you don't get the same buzz, and sometimes I feel even more isolated than usual after a session).

What she did was wrong, but she probably felt she didn't have many options left!

Wizzywig, divide and conquer is exactly how it feels. I don't want her thinking that manipulation is the way to get what she wants. I think she may be a little like this with friendships, which is awful.

@hayeahnobut why do people have to be nasty just for the sake of it on here? There's no suggestion OP wasn't respectful of her daughter and I doubt nebulous advice about being respectful to her is much help when she's actually done something quite unacceptable?

Yes it’s not a nice thing to do, I’d be having a big family chat with you her & DH and a strong warning that if there’s ever a repeat there will be a technology ban as a punishment.

Seeline, thanks. I really wouldn't push her into doing things (it's not enjoyable doing so), if history didn't prove that she would do nothing and not bother to make friends otherwise.

I'm not qualified to comment, as I don't yet have teens, but I don't think I'd have minded much. I thought you were going to say she's uploaded it to YouTube or something.

She might have crossed your boundaries, but why aren’t you giving her autonomy over something that should be fun and optional? Pick your battles, this isn’t something you should be ‘making’ her do.

I'd be annoyed. Recording you in your own home without consent is not on.

Having teenagers, you must know that we live in a world where we should expect out actions to be recorded for posterity at any time. OK, maybe not in our own home but there are much worse ways she could have protested IMO. And DH did the right thing, so she's learned the tactic didn't work, all's good.

Singing is her favourite past-time, btw. I had to push her to join the school choir, which she was adamant she would hate. However, she absolutely loves it and was sad when it was covid-cancelled.

I've never demanded that she participates in anything that I thought she might not like.

Her school friends do all sorts of activities for fun. DD would flop around the house wanting me to entertain her (long hours job and DH often away, so I don't always have a lot of headspace etc), if I didn't encourage her to join in with things.

Maybe she doesn't want to make friends (not that you can really do that over zoom). I assume she is at school and has friends there? One of my DCs is quite social and goes out with friends, the other is far happier in their own company. They are all different.

‘Appalled’? ‘Isolated in my own family’? Really ? That’s a slight over exaggeration if you don’t mind me saying, ok she probably shouldn’t have done but teenagers often don’t think of things like that. It also sounds a little bit like you try and micromanage her time. Also show me a thirteen year old who isn’t sulky and lazy, I’ve yet to meet one.

YABU. I don’t see how this is a big deal; your DH handled it well and she sounds anxious rather than a pain in the arse.

Seeline, the thing is that she has fee friends and often says that she's lonely. Encouraging her to join the school choir helped a bit.

DD isn't happy with her own company, unfortunately. She's always asking for me to play with her.

I don't expect an online singalong to be a hugely sociable experience, btw.

Bye bye phone. How dare she.