Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

370 replies

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 10:27

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 12/12/2020 11:11

My DD is 11 and would be mortified if she was heard singing in the house.

If you're forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do then I don't blame her for trying to appeal to the other parent. At least you can't accuse her of trying to twist your words as they're direct from the horses mouth.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:11

Rhine, thank you. I'm glad I'm over-reacting.

OP posts:
cherryblossomx3 · 12/12/2020 11:12

yanbu to feel like your privacy has been violated. I have a friend who does this all the time, has her phone out constantly and videos of me end up on her social media platforms. it is very uncomfortable so I would for sure be having a conversation with her about that.

I know it wasnt your question but I'm not sure you should pressure her into doing the activity she didnt want to do. speaking from experience, as someone who has anxiety, this would make me dig my heels in even more.

Scarydinosaurs · 12/12/2020 11:12

Do you ever record her without her knowledge/when she isn’t consenting to it?

I only ask because I have friends who do this with their children and I often think they’ll do the same back to them once they’re old enough to have their own devices.

The type that record tantrums etc

flaviaritt · 12/12/2020 11:13

It’s not okay to record your child without their permission (once they are old enough to understand and object). And it’s not okay to do it to a parent.

Rhine · 12/12/2020 11:13

Maybe she didn’t want to join the choir though? Choir singing is different to solo singing.

M0rT · 12/12/2020 11:13

I am amazed how calm you are being about this. Recording someone without their knowledge is sly underhanded behaviour and that your DH was just exhorting her to be nice to you instead of telling her that it was unacceptable baffles me!
I don't have any advice but just wanted to say your a very good mother, if someone did that to me I wouldn't be able to remain calm.

MessAllOver · 12/12/2020 11:13

I'm with you, OP. This is appalling behaviour. Complete invasion of the privacy you're entitled to in your own home. Not acceptable in any circumstances.

The recording you is also an entirely separate issue to whether or not you're micromanaging her activities.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:13

Trolltherespawnjeremy, DD sings constantly in the house. Her singibg lessons are in the house, and she often does little concerts for me and DH. Her Christmas list consists of Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift song books.

I'm not encouraging her into anything that I don't think she will enjoy.

OP posts:
Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:15

Of course I don't record her without her permission!

She is used to singing in the school choir and has thoroughly enjoyed the concerts.

Please don't assume that I'm pushing her to do something that she wouldn't enjoy.

OP posts:
Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:16

M0rT, I don't feel calm. I actually burst into tears yesterday when I listened to b the recordings. I was so hurt.

OP posts:
Joinedjustforthispost · 12/12/2020 11:16

I wouldn’t force dd to do something she doesn’t want to do although the recording was sneaky and invasive! Please as suggested up thread discuss the implications of recording without consent. As for your husband I think I’d be more annoyed that he’s went along with this, unless I’m very wrong and was genuinely being unreasonable my husband and me stand together united .

Seeline · 12/12/2020 11:17

You're not encouraging though - you're forcing/demanding.

Teens are weird - like to feel in control, and will kick back about being told they have to do something, even if they really want to do it, just so they feel they have control over something.

Let her have a bit more choice where you can (not the really non& negotiable stuff) or the next few years are going to be hard.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:18

Btw, I don't micromanage her activities. I received an email from the choir, inviting her to join. Her singing teacher is involved in it and recommended it to her a few weeks ago.

Compared to her peers, DD unfortunately is involved in very little, through her own choice.

OP posts:
Joinedjustforthispost · 12/12/2020 11:18

I would also seriously consider a ban with her mobile for a few days for doing this until she understands how invasive her actions were! I’m sure I will get called out for being a meanie or abusive for suggesting such a terrible thing Xmas Grin

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:20

If I didn't insist on the (very) occasional activity, DD would become even more bored and lonely.

I don't want to be her playmate. She needs to learn to get involved and make friends.

Importantly to me, she told her teacher that she would do the singalong, and so DD shouldn't then just back out because she can't be bothered. I think that joining a choir means you are a teammate. You can't just opt out because it seems a bit daunting.

OP posts:
Thespidersweb · 12/12/2020 11:20

So she was in a watsap video with her dad and cane down stairs to talk to you whilst it was still on and he was in the other line?

Kids do all kinds of off crap. Wait till she gets older.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:21

It was two audio recordings. She sent them to him. He didn't listen live.

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 12/12/2020 11:22

I’d tell her she’s not to record you without your permission. And ask her how she would feel if you did the same.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2020 11:22

I can’t understand people on here saying it’s not a big deal that she recorded you then sent it to her dad. No wonder you feel isolated. I’d be bloody furious. She wouldn’t have her phone this weekend and I’d be having a conversation about supporting one another with the DH.

HannaYeah · 12/12/2020 11:22

I think parents should make sure their children are engaged in activities. So agree with you pushing her to do this but letting her stop after a few minutes if she didn’t like it. Not so easy to keep them social and involved right now.

I’d be absolutely livid about the recording. It’s disrespectful and invasive and she was wrong to do it. Your husband should know better than to condone it. Kids sometimes think they own their parents and don’t think of them as people with rights and feelings. She needs to be disciplined for this.

DrIrisFenby · 12/12/2020 11:22

Recording anyone without their permission is a massive no no for me so that would result in a chat.

And personally, if you've agreed to take part in an activity, you take part even when you don't feel like it (barring illness). I am quite happy to have a discussion about stopping at the end of a term if my DDs don't want to carry on with something but you have to commit during the period you're doing it. I think you have to think long term - at least it won't be a shock that you have to go to work even when you don't feel like it!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/12/2020 11:23

DD would flop around the house wanting me to entertain her if I didn't encourage her to join in with things

You have my sympathy. My DS is a younger version of this, and if he doesn't grow out of it by 13 I will be on my knees.

I personally think you are right to encourage her to participate in stuff. At least that way she knows she has options and things she is good at. Even if it drives her to find other stuff she likes better instead, great!

Chanandlerbong01 · 12/12/2020 11:24

I think you are getting unnecessary stick here. You gave her the option of not continuing once she has done a few minutes if she isn’t feeling it, she’s your child and you know from past experience that once she gets going she will really enjoy it. We all have times we can’t be arsed but love it once we get going.
She shouldn’t have recorded you and I would also be very upset. I actually think she needs a consequence. I’m a secondary teacher and we’ve had several issues with kids secret yet recording teachers and other students and then this creating a bigger problem/bullying. I’m not saying your child would do this, but I think ignoring it could make her see it as less of an issue in future.

Porridgeoat · 12/12/2020 11:24

If you notice she does this again without your permission I’d pull out my phone and video her wining and ask her how that feels to be recorded and ask how she would feel if you forwarded it to someone. Then delete.