To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

[CurtainWitcher]

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

I’d worry about whether she’d sent the audio recording round to her friends/put it on social media.

Big breach of trust. Can see why you’re annoyed!

@scalphelp because its rude to record someone without there consent and send to someone else
I have two teenagers they use there phone a lot and record friends etc but with consent and if not they would not send to anyone without the persons consent that is overstepping a line

And you can tell your husband to stop being such an enabling dick too ffs

My ex husband was worse he would say things like im sorry mummy is making you go through this when he was having a blood test done to see if he had cancer the nurse said not helpful dad perhaps you would like to go outside?

if she's really missing not having friends she will choose to do activities voluntarily

Not always true. Some children will avoid doing anything they find challenging, which can become a vicious circle. I think at 13 it would be poor parenting to just shrug and let a child fester at home, becoming increasingly isolated.

Whatever the recording sign of things, you need to learn to listen more to your child, what you've written and the actions you describe are not compatible, if your child was actually "not out of her comfort zone" then she would not be whining, welling up, begging you to cancel.

She doesn't want to do it, it's really important her not to do it, she's desperate, and rather than listening to her you've just made it all about you and how you don't like to be recorded in your own home, well clearly your daughter doesn't like to be controlled in your own home.

By 13, someone needs to be able to know what they're comfortable doing, if anxiety or something make it difficult to initiate joining an activity they enjoy once there the way to address it and help is not by simply ordering the child, or not listening to the child when they express their concerns.

I don't think it's nice to be recording you but sadly this seems to be the norm for teens these days. I also don't think it's fair to make her do something that she's changed her mind on. We are all allowed to change our minds, if it's not going to have a huge impact on the group I wouldn't have made her.

If you stop railroading over her boundaries, maybe she'll stop railroading over yours!

She told you she didn't want to go to the singing event. Why on earth can you not respect her choices.

You are role modelling awful, bullying behaviour to her. No wonder she doesn't think your feelings are worth respecting, when clearly you don't respect hers. You've taught her by your own actions that its OK to not respect other people's feelings.

Yes, her behaviour towards you was unkind and disrespectful, but its in line with your unkindness to her and your disrespect of her wishes and feelings.

I just want to know why you’re letting your husband go off out to work when you have Covid symptoms and are awaiting swab result! You should ALL be isolating until the result is confirmed

Thanks everyone.

The thing is that DD crying about not doing activities and then thoroughly enjoying them is always the pattern.

I have never encouraged into doing an activity that I thought she wouldn't really love.

The only decision she would ever make would be to sit at home, pleading with me to play with her. Not on at thirteen.

This singalong is an hour long on Zoom. She committed to it weeks ago. She has the option to bailout once she's tried it.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

if she's really missing not having friends she will choose to do activities voluntarily

Not always true. Some children will avoid doing anything they find challenging, which can become a vicious circle. I think at 13 it would be poor parenting to just shrug and let a child fester at home, becoming increasingly isolated.

But similarly, some children need some space to calm down without the pressure ( or laze around until they get bored ) and then they're more willing to voluntarily do things. She sounds anxious, given that she usually tends to enjoy the activities but is resistant beforehand, and so enforcing may potentially only make it worse

Isn't she a bit old to be demanding you 'play' with her?

Bit strange tbh. Do you plays dolls together then? :/

My symptoms started after he'd left and I had the test done in my workplace before being sent home. DH has cut work short to come home, although is currently working alone in a workshop because his colleague is isolating.

Not an ideal situation though, I know.

Sometimes i secretly voice record. I have an abusive background and with phone in hand all the time, easy to hit record if anyone starts off. I don't post anywhere. But i later listen back and think if their behaviour/view/way they handled it was fair. For me, it is a way to fully understand. 8 times out of 10, I am validated that the person who starts is behaving in an out of order way. That it is not me. It is them.

It is easy to record in this digital age and whilst you might not have liked it, maybe it is a lesson on how you are behaving or how you are coming across to your child. Clearly being pushed and forced isnt something she is enjoying. I am with your daughter on this, no matter the end result, something has to change. At 13 you have to start letting her make more choices even if you don't like them. Pushing and forcing no way to teach her about boundaries/consent if her feelings are always overrided with "see, I told you that it would be fun".

DD would never voluntarily participate in anything.

In terms of playing, it would be games or drawing etc.

@mrsm43s

If you stop railroading over her boundaries, maybe she'll stop railroading over yours!

She told you she didn't want to go to the singing event. Why on earth can you not respect her choices.

You are role modelling awful, bullying behaviour to her. No wonder she doesn't think your feelings are worth respecting, when clearly you don't respect hers. You've taught her by your own actions that its OK to not respect other people's feelings.

Yes, her behaviour towards you was unkind and disrespectful, but its in line with your unkindness to her and your disrespect of her wishes and feelings.

Very well said. However I think the chances of the OP taking your comments on board are zero. Sadly.

DD has no abusive background. Another reason why I felt so hurt by this. Our home is certainly not an abusive one.

DD would never voluntarily participate in anything.

Why do you think she would never voluntarily participate? What's the root cause behind that do you think, OP?

And I honestly find it really upsetting that your daughter literally begs you for your company but you deny her and try to palm her off on other people. She wants to spend time with you but you think it’s ‘not on’ at just thirteen? Just weird family dynamics all round.

I think YANBU to feel angry at being recorded. I would be more angry with your DH though as he is old enough to know that this is not acceptable. If it was the first time she has done something like this then maybe you don’t need to do anything other than educate her.

I think the activities is a separate matter and I am inclined to think you should not be forcing her. But that does not justify her actions.

DD committed to the event. I'm insisting that she recognises her responsibilities and enjoys herself!

Feels like there's lots to this. 13 is a weird age - not all teens are total social media/on line fans - sensitivity about looks etc. It's not unusual for kids to play both ends against the middle - you maybe feel less able for all this cos you're ill. I think husbands response was reasonable. You should maybe organise her less for a while and definitely make it very clear that the recording in whatever form is not OK and must not happen again

I do play with her. All the time.

You sound a little unempathetic OP, I'll be honest. Do you not like her as a person?

* In relation to the she committed, she WILL have fun* stuff

I don't know, berrygirlie. I wish I knew. She's always been like this though.