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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

370 replies

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 10:27

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

OP posts:
ScalpHelp · 12/12/2020 11:25

Why does being recorded make you feel deep offence exactly?

An explanation would help me see your side, otherwise I think there’s an overreaction on your part. It’s 2020 and cameras/phones are part and parcel of life now. It’s normal for young people. It’s how we interact with the world at this point.

You seem to be hurt by the recording itself, as it’s not like she posted it on social media and humiliated you. If you are uncomfortable with your appearance on camera it’s due to your own insecurities, which isn’t really her fault.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 12/12/2020 11:25

She shouldn’t have recorded you, whatever the argument was about she would be in trouble for that.

As for her deciding not to do her activity, I have a daughter the same age who does things like this. If she decides to let people down like this I tell her it’s on her, she can explain it, I won’t be doing it for her and I warn her that in future this might bite her on the bum. This is after I changed tactics from arguing about it at length with her and her still refusing. I’m physically unable to make her do anything and she’s stubborn as a mule so won’t give in just to give her dear old mum a break.

AdelaideK · 12/12/2020 11:25

I'm surprised people don't think this is a big deal. I have teenagers and I'd be shocked if they did this. It feels really sly.

Jeremyironseverything · 12/12/2020 11:26

It’s not a big deal as long as she doesn’t do it again after you’ve had a chat about how disrespectful it is. Treat it as a teaching moment and don’t go ballistic at her - unless she does it again...

flaviaritt · 12/12/2020 11:27

It’s 2020 and cameras/phones are part and parcel of life now. It’s normal for young people. It’s how we interact with the world at this point.

No, it isn’t. Teach your children some manners.

CustardySergeant · 12/12/2020 11:27

@TrollTheRespawnJeremy

My DD is 11 and would be mortified if she was heard singing in the house.

If you're forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do then I don't blame her for trying to appeal to the other parent. At least you can't accuse her of trying to twist your words as they're direct from the horses mouth.

I couldn't agree more. I feel very sorry for your daughter, being forced by you to do something she doesn't want to do. I'm not surprised she went to her father for support and he didn't see or hear anything more than he would if he'd been at home. It's not as if she was recording you to show anyone else and it means that he was able to see for himself rather than rely on her being honest and accurate in what she was telling him (i.e. not exaggerating for sympathy etc.).
MintyMabel · 12/12/2020 11:28

My daughter loves singing. She has lessons, has competed in solo competitions, sings all the time in the house.

She hated choir with a passion so we let her quit. Why force kids to carry on with something they know they hate?

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:28

ScalpHelp, thanks. I think the reason I feel so hurt is because DD thought she could gather evidence to use against me, in a very underhanded manner. The fact that she thought her dad would accept this actually worries.

The fact that he didn't criticise her for doing it worries me even more.

I would feel very concerned if DD sent audio recordings of DH as 'evidence' to me.

OP posts:
ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 12/12/2020 11:29

"I've never demanded that she participates in anything that I thought she might not like."

Until you did.

She is getting to the age where you can't push her into activities (especially online social ones like this like singing with other people). How long do you think you can keep doing this for? She may have enjoyed this in the past but she is growing up and changing. I think you are BU here and you will drive her away at a crucial time of becoming a teenager and you need to keep good communication happening between you.

Calling her "lazy, sulky and whiny" online is not good, IMO. Imagine how she would feel (and your situation/post is quite outing/specific) if she saw this.

She absolutely she shouldn't have recorded you and I would be removing the phone for the weekend.

But, to use a MN phrase, you don't just have a DD problem, you have a DH problem. He should have been backing you up (or speaking to you if he felt you were also being unreasonable, and it seems he does).

Lorw · 12/12/2020 11:30

I’m going against the grain here and think that you should take her phone away and then explain how recording someone without their knowledge is not okay. She could get in trouble in future so the lesson needs to be learnt. She is still a child and I don’t think it was unreasonable to say ‘try it for a few minutes and if you don’t like it, that’s fine’ especially if it’s something she usually enjoys. But that’s just me, my mum just let me get on with it and I became a depressed hermit who very rarely left my room, had to be on AD, didn’t have friends, didn’t have a hobby or anything, the only hope I had was when I moved in my with my step mum and dad, my SM put a boot up my arse and I’m so glad she did, you sound like a good mum OP.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/12/2020 11:30

Why does being recorded make you feel deep offence exactly?

If you are uncomfortable with your appearance on camera it’s due to your own insecurities, which isn’t really her fault

Fuck this. I want to be relaxed in my own home without wondering if I am being covertly filmed or recorded.

ScalpHelp · 12/12/2020 11:30

@flaviaritt

It’s 2020 and cameras/phones are part and parcel of life now. It’s normal for young people. It’s how we interact with the world at this point.

No, it isn’t. Teach your children some manners.

Erm, I’m probably young enough to be your child. Recording is absolutely normal for younger generations.
Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:31

I'm not forcing her to carry on with something she hates. She hasn't tried it before.

She also adores singing in her school choir and told her teacher that she would do this online singalong.

It's a one-off activity that will last an hour. I haven't forced her into signing a deal for a season at the English National Opera! 😂

OP posts:
JustLikeStitch · 12/12/2020 11:31

I’d have removed the phone and banned her from it til she learned a bit of respect and manners tbh. A 13 year old having a tantrum isn’t cute.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:32

ItRuvsTheLotionOnItsSkin, no I haven't, because I think she will enjoy it very much.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 12/12/2020 11:33

Erm, I’m probably young enough to be your child. Recording is absolutely normal for younger generations.

How old are you?

LisaLee333 · 12/12/2020 11:34

YANBU @CurtainWitcher Recoding someone or even worse - filming them - without their knowledge is a gross invasion of privacy. My DH did this a couple of times a few years ago; filmed me putting the washing out, and sitting in the garden reading, because he thought I looked 'cute.' The second time he did it, I went loco on him, because I HATE being filmed at any time, let alone when I am not aware of it. It's a gross invasion of privacy, and is totally out of order.

Tell her to never EVER do it again.

LisaLee333 · 12/12/2020 11:36

@ScalpHelp Recording someone against their will/when they don't know you're doing it is not 'normal behaviour.' It's intrusive, it's creepy, and it's a gross invasion of privacy. If you kept doing that to me, you'd find yourself with a smashed phone (or camera.)

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:38

Recording someone and sharing it without consent shouldn't be normal for anyone. I'm really appalled by that attitude. Young people are a lot more respectful than that. Don't do them a disservice.

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 12/12/2020 11:39

Erm, I’m probably young enough to be your child. Recording is absolutely normal for younger generations.

The fact that you think this is normal is hugely worrying. There are massive issues about data, privacy and consent involved in recording people. This particular case may not matter much, but the OP is entitled to send out the message to her DD that this is NOT acceptable. Thee next time her DD tries this kind of trick (recording a teacher at school, for example) she could get into serious trouble. It can attract police attention in many cases.

I am guessing the OP knows her DD very well. I think kids are entitled to refuse activities if they are able to socialize and keep themselves entertained in other ways. Some kids, however, become a pain in the arse when they do not do activities---they don't spontaneously read or make stuff or engage in hobbies, they just whine for endless game/TV time and then say "I'm booooooored" and drive everyone else in the family mad. In such cases, it is fine for parents to insist on an activity or too.

missbipolar · 12/12/2020 11:40

Was it filming of was it audio recording because you say both?

Also you do push her into activities!!

She shouldn't have done whatever it was that she did but she's also old enough to decide on social events for herself

northbacchus · 12/12/2020 11:41

I think two conversations, separately, need to be had. A conversation on boundaries, privacy and technology and then a separate conversation on committing to anything, and not backing out when committed as people will be reliant on you.

Recording people without their consent, even if it is on youtube, is a big no. She could have easily typed the conversation to her Dad and he should also be supporting you in not recording private conversations.

If she's getting social anxiety, then she needs to be mindful about committing to events where people would be missing her presence, but there's no reason to stop encouraging her to take part! When I was a teenager I had to be forced to do plenty of musical events, sometimes with tears, but I definitely don't have any lasting resentment now and am glad of my parents' encouragement!

She can also get help with the social anxiety OP, if it's seeming more than just a passing phase.

MessAllOver · 12/12/2020 11:42

Erm, I’m probably young enough to be your child. Recording is absolutely normal for younger generations.

If my child said that to me, they wouldn't be allowed their phone in my house. What next? Videoing a parent when they've just stepped out of the shower? Is that ok?

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 11:42

Kokeshi123, I agree with you 100%. Being cool with the idea of covert recording would be very irresponsible, imo.

DD flops around being bored, asking me to play with her. That was ok at five, but not at thirteen.

I wish I didn't have to push her into joining this activity.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/12/2020 11:42

Recording you was wrong so a chat about that is necessary. Maybe also one re safe internet etc if she doesn’t understand what you can and can’t do.

You were wrong to force her to join if she didn’t want too. She’s old enough to decide for herself hobby and friend wise what she does,