Page 15 | To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

Knickerthief1 · 13/12/2020 18:03

Not wanting to diagnose off a few lines off the internet but a lot of what you say rings bells with my ASD daughter. She wasn't diagnosed until 14 and it wasn't hugely visible until the teens hit and it became harder and harder for my daughter to socialise and mix. I'll leave it to you as Uk whether you look up autism in girls - but it appears very differently to autism in boys.
Re your post - I am also a firm believer that if you commit to something you do it. Nothing worse than being the person who organises something only for everyone to drop out at last minute. Height of rudeness in my opinion and definitely makes you a good parent to teach this! I think a word about the filming to DD and DH is in line but I don't think it's a huge issue - probably just a lack of thought.

FelicisNox · 13/12/2020 18:12

YANBU and it's inappropriate.

What she recorded this time may be fairly benign but what happens when she records and repeats something she shouldn't and either really embaresses you or tries to use it as leverage?

The issue isn't what she recorded but the thought pattern behind it. I would confiscate her phone for 48hrs as a punishment for a 1st offence. 2nd offence is 1 week and 3rd offence will be indefinite removal. Set the boundaries now.

Pinkpeanut27 · 13/12/2020 18:13

When they first get access to this sort of thing they find it hard to identify boundaries. In the early days we were regularly being broadcast as one or other of them wondered about the house with their friends online !
Rules are now no broadcasting except in their rooms or with permission of all .

My dd often asked something ‘ difficult’ with one of her friends on her phone listening in and chipping in until she realised it didn’t phase me at all and I was equally dismissive if not more of the friend !

DougRossIsTheBoss · 13/12/2020 18:33

I talked to my 13yr old DD about this today.

She says she has never recorded me but ...she didn't see the issue with it!

She said it would be wrong to share the recording with friends or post on social media but not just with her dad.

I put her straight that in my view it would be wrong and I would object. She did agree that she wouldn't like it if I recorded her without consent and shared it even just with her dad so I think we have agreed no recording by anyone without consent in this house.

So thanks for the discussion OP.

Wilkie1956mog · 13/12/2020 18:33

To teenagers/young people these days, it's absolutely normal to do stuff like that, whether it's ethical or not. I wouldn't make a big thing out of it. Unless of course she starts doing it all the time?

saffy2 · 13/12/2020 18:38

Im really surprised by how many people would just let their child flake out of an organised activity that the CHILD committed to!!! No matter what their age not letting people down whenever you’ve told them yes is a good lesson to learn!!

Op i don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. In any aspect.

Vynalbob · 13/12/2020 18:39

Don't beat yourself up. it would irk me. She's trying to play you & your dh off one another. A word about privacy (I'd probably say if it happens again phone confiscation for a day). Hard to balance socialisation & autonomy for a loner child... I wouldn't push but would if she committed off her own bat. YANBU

Nearly47 · 13/12/2020 20:06

My sim is anxious and although he loves football sometimes he would get nervous before a match and say he didn't want to go. My policy is that if you still want to give up after the match we will let the coach know but you have to honour your commitment today. He is still playing and is more confident going now.

Shell4429 · 13/12/2020 20:17

Is it possible that your DD is on the autistic spectrum? It’s just that she sounds so much like my son. She had a passionate interest but now she’s gone off it, not great with social communication. What does lazy really mean? I now know it’s a motivation issue, and for people on the spectrum it’s really really hard to get motivated. It also causes loads of anxiety. I am not saying that this IS the case with your daughter but girls often go undiagnosed because they learn to adapt in a better way than boys do. It would also explain her not understanding boundaries.

Justbrutallyhonest · 13/12/2020 20:21

Have you ever posted photos or videos of your children on social media? Thought so and did you ask their permission before sharing them with your friends and that bloke that was at your college in the 90s that she’s never met and you’ve not seen face to face this millennium, no thought not.

ChelleMum85 · 13/12/2020 20:41

@CurtainWitcher

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

I have a 13 year old, exactly the same as yours. Take her phone away! This is not OK! I would keep it for a week and ground her, tell her she can earn it back. In fact, maybe it's time she got a paper round and paid for her own phone? You really need to shock her into realising how inappropriate and disrespectful this is, otherwise she will do it again - I've been there.

olivesnutsandcheese · 13/12/2020 21:14

I would lose my shit if I was recorded by my DC, totally not on and a heavy consequence required. The singing is a non issue, if you agree to something you do it. Sounds like she just couldn't be bothered.
And since they were old enough to care I have always asked permission about posting pics of them on sm

Annie2245 · 13/12/2020 21:35

I’m really hoping that either this comment is a joke or that you don’t have children !!

Annie2245 · 13/12/2020 21:47

@Nearly47

My sim is anxious and although he loves football sometimes he would get nervous before a match and say he didn't want to go. My policy is that if you still want to give up after the match we will let the coach know but you have to honour your commitment today. He is still playing and is more confident going now.

Not that I have been conditioned to be unsurprised about anything I read on the internet but for a split second my brain decided that this was an issue for a character in the sims game !! Perhaps I need more hobbies !

roxanne119 · 13/12/2020 23:16

This is sneaky shit you and your husband need to be on the same page here otherwise teenagers see a chink in the armour and they are in . Retreat and lick your wounds now bring husband alongside whilst you plan your next move . Recording you without your knowledge is never ok .

Mamanyt · 13/12/2020 23:30

OK, maybe a little unreasonable. Not a lot, but a little. Make this a teaching moment for DD, about respecting privacy, asking how she would have felt if you had done that to her. Set boundaries. Set consequences Be calm.

But before talking with DD, make this a teaching moment for DH. Thank him for sticking up for you, but remind him that kids LOVE to play one parent off against the other, that you feel level of sneaking to do it is not acceptable, and that you expect him to shut any such future occurrence off as soon as it starts. LOL, be calm!

Minxmumma · 14/12/2020 06:02

Ok, so yes you probably are over reacting a little bit as you are under the weather.

However I still would have been very unimpressed if one of my teens tried a stunt like this and that is what it is, a stunt to get her own way. It is a breach of trust and is manipulating, neither are an attractive trait a person. I would also have been very clear with DH that he should not entertain this type of divide and conquer behaviour at all.

Regarding her refusal to participate in activities, I'm a youth leader and see this all the time. Child whines and tantrums at Mum about not wanting to go, it's horrible, I hate it etc etc. We then provide Mum (who has dragged her child along regardless) with photographic evidence of them participating, larking about etc to reassure them or we invite them to stay and sit in a quiet corner where they can watch their child being quite happy. It is just a thing some kids do, the parents who turn round and say 'you made a commitment, you are going' are teaching their children important values. What happens when they grow up and have a job? Don't like it today so don't go? Life isn't like that.

There is also the issue of consent and this would really bug me. That is a conversation you need to have with her and DH, if she did this to someone else she could be in a lot of trouble. She needs to consider how she would feel if someone filmed or took and audio recording of her and used it without her knowledge. Perhaps ask how she would feel if you had recorded her participating in the sing a long then posted to assorted people asking for their opinions?

Yes I am probably classed as a meanie by lots of people on this thread but really she's your child, so your rules and respect is important - it goes both ways.

Strangeways19 · 14/12/2020 08:32

Maybe she was just trying to include her dad? Must be hard for her that he's not there, I mean if he was he'd have had some input?
But I wouldn't have bothered pushing her into it she sounds anxious about it.

Localocal · 14/12/2020 11:59

I would very mildly counsel her against recording people without their knowledge (or streaming them, which is what it sounds like she was doing.) It's not a good habit to get into, it may get her in trouble and it will definitely piss some people off.

I have a lazy son who doesn't like to do things but then enjoys them when I push him to do them anyway. It's not a bad thing to expect her to give something like this a go. On the other hand, sometimes it's not worth the aggro if they really dig their heels in.

Good news is you and your DH seem to be on the same page, so that's a plus!

cannockcandy · 14/12/2020 12:33

Imo and I'm aware I'm probably in the minority here but, this is a consent issue and needs to be addressed. Ask her how she would like it if you had filmed her having her tantrum to show to another member of the family. I can assure you that she would not have been happy with that. You did not consent to being recorded and her doing it so her dad could see is a clear sign of her trying to play you parents off of each other.
Imo YNBU