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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

370 replies

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 10:27

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

OP posts:
OwlBeThere · 12/12/2020 12:18

@slipperywhensparticus Recording someone with out theìr consent is illegal she needs to be reminded of this

No it isn’t. For personal use which this was its entirely legal.

slipperywhensparticus · 12/12/2020 12:19

@CaptainCabinets

And I honestly find it really upsetting that your daughter literally begs you for your company but you deny her and try to palm her off on other people. She wants to spend time with you but you think it’s ‘not on’ at just thirteen? Just weird family dynamics all round.
At 13 years old she should be making small steps to assert independent behaviour not infantile behaviour expecting everyone else to occupy her mind what will she do as an adult?
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/12/2020 12:20

I agree that covertly recording someone is disrespectful. I agree that DH should have told her to stop. I agree that she is trying to divide and conquer and I'm glad DH wasn't up for that.

However, I also agree that you are micromanaging her. At 13 she really is old enough to choose what she wants to do. I think you need to reset your relationship with her - if she's sitting around bored so be it. She needs to cut the 'come and play with me' nonsense, you are perfectly at liberty to say no to that request by the way, and you both need to have a think about what you want a more adult relationship to look like.

As an observation, you do compare her to her siblings quite a lot on this thread and I don't think that's helpful as it's giving a gauge on what she 'should' be doing that isn't working for her.

CaptainCabinets · 12/12/2020 12:20

@CurtainWitcher

DD committed to the event. I'm insisting that she recognises her responsibilities and enjoys herself!
You can’t ‘insist’ someone enjoys themselves Confused

It’s not for you to dictate what your daughter will or will not enjoy. You harp on about consent when it’s your daughter recording you but telling her she can’t change her mind about something and that she has to enjoy it is extremely problematic as that opens up a WORLD of consent issues which I’m sure I don’t need to spell out.

She probably recorded you to send to her dad because she felt bullied by you and wanted help.

berrygirlie · 12/12/2020 12:20

I don't know, berrygirlie. I wish I knew. She's always been like this though.

Does she have an anxiety diagnosis? I have a diagnosis that makes me avoid obligations / demands (closely linked with anxiety) and my parents definitely perceived it as lazy or a character flaw. Being pushed into doing things definitely didn't help with it, even if there were potentially good intentions sometimes

Mintjulia · 12/12/2020 12:20

Agree with pp, you need to explain respectful boundaries to your dd.

Emeeno1 · 12/12/2020 12:21

No, this is not acceptable. It is part of the insidious creep of teenagers versus their parents or pitting parent against parent. Many adults here also perpetuate it.

Teenagers are not benign creatures only led astray by bad parenting, or by you not being the perfect parent at all times.

CaptainCabinets · 12/12/2020 12:21

@CurtainWitcher

I do play with her. All the time.
You said yourself that you ‘don’t want to be her playmate’, so which is it? You just don’t sound like you’re very nice to her, sorry.
Leaannb · 12/12/2020 12:22

@CurtainWitcher

DD has no abusive background. Another reason why I felt so hurt by this. Our home is certainly not an abusive one.
Her recording you trying to force her to do something she didn't want to do implys heavily that she feels its an abusive situation... If her partner made her do an activity that she didn't want to do even if she enjoys it regularly is an abusive act. Its the same as a parent. You really need to stop calling her lazy and whiny (abusive language) and get her anxiety treated instead of saying yes she does have anxiety but is lazy and whiny..Hint both symptoms of severe anxiety. Begging your mother to play at 13...Anxiety. FWIW..I don't think you were actually being abusive per say bit you are skating incredibly close to it.
berrygirlie · 12/12/2020 12:22

Teenagers are not benign creatures only led astray by bad parenting, or by you not being the perfect parent at all times.

I don't think anyone has said this.

ElfAndSafetyInspector · 12/12/2020 12:22

I don’t think that is fair at all. The child was asked by her teacher if she wanted to participate and she said yes.

OP isn’t ignoring her choices, she’s teaching her DD that if you make a commitment you don’t flake out at the eleventh hour.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/12/2020 12:22

@CurtainWitcher

DD committed to the event. I'm insisting that she recognises her responsibilities and enjoys herself!
No actual words for this...
IJustWantSomeBees · 12/12/2020 12:25

@KatieGGGG

That’s a giant nope from me. You’re entitled to expect privacy in your home of all places and she’s not a young child. DH should have said something too.

Boundaries and consent chat.

This!

It is such a violation to film someone without consent, especially in their own home! I can't believe people are excusing this, what was even her reasoning for filming you? So her dad could secretly watch you disciplining her? No. Just because filming people without their knowledge has become common does not make it acceptable or normal

I would be addressing this issue with her in a very serious manner. Yes she is young and I'm sure she obviously wasn't trying to act sinisterly or anything, however, she is old enough to understand basic boundaries and must be taught that this is completely innapropriate. It's an important lesson since as well as not wanting her to film people secretly, you also don't want her to think it's acceptable for others/her peers to film her without her consent either.

berrygirlie · 12/12/2020 12:25

OP isn’t ignoring her choices, she’s teaching her DD that if you make a commitment you don’t flake out at the eleventh hour.

I agree coping mechanisms need to be taught for DD's sake, but as an adult with an anxiety condition it wouldn't be acceptable for someone to push me into doing things that caused me fear or panic. She is entitled to say no if there's a situation that causes her serious anxiety, which to me is demonstrated by pleading and begging.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 12:26

Of course I don't want to be her playmate - I'm her mum! You think it's preferable that a teenager plays with her mum in favour of kids her own age?

There's plenty of time to play games etc as a family, without that being her sole social experience.

I do think it would be pretty crappy parenting to nurture that sort of behaviour.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 12/12/2020 12:27

@CurtainWitcher

DD committed to the event. I'm insisting that she recognises her responsibilities and enjoys herself!
Did she commit to the event? Did she have a choice? Or did you decide that she should do it, and give her little or no choice in the matter? Did she find out about it/research it/sign up for it all by herself, or did you do it on her behalf? Your involvement in something like this should be nothing more than supporting by listening in as part of the audience (if its broadcast in that way), and telling her that she did a great job. If she really wanted to do it, she'd sign up for it by herself.
Lizadork · 12/12/2020 12:27

She may not have an abusive background like me but doesn't mean she is without her own trauma and injustice from her own perspective. We all mess our kids up in some way whether big or little, the key is to try to work with them and to try to listen/understand. That you get what you give, respect her and her boundaries so she is more likely to do the same with you and others.

saraclara · 12/12/2020 12:27

@CurtainWitcher

It was two audio recordings. She sent them to him. He didn't listen live.
That's absolutely appalling, and yes, I'd read the riot act about privacy. Ask her hey how she'd feel if you recorded her tantrums and played them to others.

And yes, tell her dad that you expect him to tell her that this has to stop.

I'm amazed that there are people in this thread saying it's nothing.

lunar1 · 12/12/2020 12:28

Rule number one in our house with devices, you never take a video or picture secretly, or when someone says no. All recording devices would be immediately removed. Following that, no recording/photos when someone isn't fully dressed, or are in the bathroom etc.

At 13 she is old enough to stick to commitments she has made, unless ill herself. Letting her back out all the time isn't setting her up for adulthood.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 12:28

Mrsm43s, yes, SHE did commit to it.

OP posts:
LooksBetterWithAFaceMask · 12/12/2020 12:28

I would feel the way you do and would be having a proper chat about consent and boundaries.
I have a dd like yours and gets anxious about doing things and they are things that she signed up for and has chosen to do then we have the same about her trying to get me to get her out of it. I would again react like you reminding her that she had made a commitment and has to honour it. She doesn’t have to sign up next time but she has to honour the commitment she made this time.

andweallsingalong · 12/12/2020 12:29

Initially I thought she'd recorded you and put it online or laughed with her friends, but she shared it with her dad, your co-parent to involve him in the discussion and, without seeing the full conversation, it sounds like he showed empathy, then backed you up?

CaptainCabinets · 12/12/2020 12:30

I’m just gobsmacked that you’re trying to force your daughter to do something she doesn’t want to do and entirely glossing over her anxiety issues. I really do feel for the girl, to be honest. Just because she is a child doesn’t mean she can not establish her own boundaries, and her boundaries are not for you to dictate.

What if we fast forward ten years and your DD has a partner who is telling her she can’t back out of something she initially agreed to and that she should ‘try it to see if she enjoys it first’?

mollscroll · 12/12/2020 12:30

Her recording you trying to force her to do something she didn't want to do implys heavily that she feels its an abusive situation

Good grief.

Original poster
CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 12:30

Lizadork "That you get what you give". Yes, especially in society.

You don't bother with other children, well then don't moan when they don't bother with you.

You don't go ahead with your commitments, then don't moan when you're not invited again.

You don't participate, then don't moan that you're bored.

OP posts: