To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

[CurtainWitcher]

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

I would be most unimpressed if any of my DC pulled a stunt like this and more so if DH believed this was acceptable!

It was audio only. Sorry, I don't know why I wrote filming.

Yes, I am insisting that she takes part in this activity, but I know she will enjoy it.

YAB a tad U. I don’t see how this is a big deal; your DH handled it well enough. I'd have a word but I wouldn't get too shitty about it.

If it's not ok for her to record you how is it ok for you to post about her on a public forum. There is enough detail her for her or your husband to recognise themselves. I really dont think you have the moral high ground.

I’d be furious. You are not overreacting imho.

She was BU recording you without your consent. You are BU insisting she engages in an activity for which she has withdrawn consent. I would be angry with her for filming me and sharing that recording. I would not make her do the activity.

I would have been really cross with her for recording. Kids get lectured endlessly in school about privacy, not filming, taking photos without permission etc. If she just wasn’t thinking (and she IS 13 so a common affliction!) then I think you just need to lay the ground rules. It’s like if you recorded her having a meltdown without her permission - not on. I’m in 2 minds about the cajoling of her to join the choir performance. Sometimes you gently pressure your kids to do things and 9 times out of 10 you know that they are grateful to have participated and that you persuaded them. But sometimes you have to let them make a decision.

I personally may have set everything up for her to participate and said you were going to watch it anyway because you fancied hearing something nice and Christmassy. Then at least she might have known you were coming from a place of really enjoying hearing her sing rather than just ‘making’ her attend an activity. But at the end of the day she was playing you and I would have felt very manipulated. How many of us want our parenting recorded?

And as far your decision to try and get her to join in rather than just let her not bother with something you KNOW she probably would have enjoyed? That’s just one of those many parenting issues that NO ONE can say whether you’ve done the right thing or not. Oh how we all wish we could have a replay of parenting life’s sliding door moments

But definitely a word about privacy, covert filming etc... as a ‘digital Native’ (as someone further up described her) she needs to know the rules and be responsible and respective of people’s privacy.

She would have no hobbies or friends if I didn't organise things for her. She never sees friends outside of school, but then complains that she's lonely. I tell her to text a mate to meet up and she says she doesn't want to.

Then the, "Play with me" starts. It would be poor parenting to nurture this behaviour in a child.

Respectful not respective obvs.

It's not a performance, it's an informal Christmas singalong for children.

She told her teacher that she would like to be involved. Her teacher booked her in.

Not on, in my opinion. Recording someone without their consent is totally unacceptable and she needs to have that made very clear to her. It’s rude and disrespectful to you, for a start. But it could also land her in trouble if she does it in the wrong situation- she needs to have this explained to her. I’d be surprised if she didn’t know it wasn’t OK- or else why did she try to hide it? She’d have been upfront about it.

I also think going to dad when she hasn’t got her own way, is a bit “divide and conquer”- and whilst is a common tactic with teenagers, I think also needs to be dealt with fairly upfront- not tolerated in this house. If I’ve asked for something to be done/said no etc, and DC’S go to dad looking for a different decision he doesn’t mollify them, he backs me up (and he’d have to feel strongly I was wrong before he didn’t- then he’d talk to me about it- and vice-versa). On one or two occasions they have not been upfront about it, they’ve got into as much bother for dishonesty as they have for trying to play one off against the others. Maybe I’m strict, but I do think children need consistent rules and parents who apply them equally.

I have adult DC, the youngest will become a teen early in 2021.
I think I am neutral about the recording. Maybe I just need to think about it some more.

Recording & publishing whatever she likes: not on.

Recording for own possession: I can't object to . It's no different from drawing a picture, taking a picture or making a diary entry in my head. It's not like OP said something embarrassing, did she?

I wonder how Claudia Conway's parents feel...

At what point will you stop trying to encourage her into things that you "know" she'll enjoy & let her make that decision for herself? You need some rules (for your own sanity) about when to exit that behaviour. I would have run out of energy to "encourage" her years ago.

OP I despair over some people on here. You are absolutely, completely and utterly right to encourage your dd to participate in activities. It’s challenging them, providing opportunities and good parenting. What you’ve described is wildly different from forcing someone to do something they hate or are fearful of.

Secondly, while trying to play yourself and her father off against each other is a pretty common behaviour it’s not okay, nor is recording someone without their consent. You need to discuss that with her and, if it happens again, she needs to loose her phone.

Sorry ‘singalong’ not performance - you could have still listened in and enjoyed or expressed an interest in doing so. I was just suggesting a tack I may have taken. All by the by now of course and not the main issue of covert recording/manipulation that you’re mainly concerned about.

I wish I didn't have to get involved in any activities for her at this age. I know her friends get together (distancing applied) and just chat etc. I wish DD would do the same.

I had very little freedom due to overprotective parents, and would have loved to have hung around with my b friends, at that age.

Don’t know why you’re getting stick op, your dd and dh have behaved badly. Your dd shouldn’t be recording anyone without their permission and certainly not to ‘gain evidence’ to share with others and your dh should have shut that down straight away not told her to be nice as you are ill!!!

I think she also needs to understand that if she has asked to do something and made a commitment that she must honour that commitment unless there is a very good reason not to (as opposed to “just can’t be bothered today” or “don’t feel like it”. So if she asked to be signed up, teacher went to the bother of doing so and others are expecting her to attend (virtually, in this case), then she needs to do it.

Again, agree with OP-poor parenting to let her commit to something, then flake out. Children need to learn resilience and responsibility- and that sometimes they have to do things they’d rather not do (often in order to get to the thing they do want to do) or at a time they’d prefer to be doing something else.

Your daughter is a manipulator and your husband is a dick.

I really hope you feel better soon and sort out the people who are supposed to treat you with respect.

Honestly, YANBU for being upset at being recorded. You should feel comfortable in your own home and she should have asked first. But similarly, YAB a little U at making her do activities she doesn't want to do - if she's really missing not having friends she will choose to do activities voluntarily.

I wouldn't be happy. I'd also have a COVID test as cold and bad head are so,e of the symptoms.

Recording someone with out theìr consent is illegal she needs to be reminded of this

Let her cancel choir "play with me" would be met with a firm no she is 13 not 3 i think you have done a bit of an own goal here by organising her she can not organise herself a bit of tough love will either have her organising herself or flopping on the furniture I suggest ignore the flopping turn up your music and get on with your day

My thoughts exactly, BanditoShipman. If DD has sent recordings of her dad as 'evidence' to me, I would have told her that I was appalled by her actions.

When DH comes home today, ink going to insist on solidarity with him on this issue. I wish that a) I didn't have to and b) he would take it seriously.

It is a big deal she recorded you and sent to your dh that is trying to play one off against the other for starts
Also all those saying don't make them do something , I don't force mine to do anything but if they have committed to something then they have to see it through or if trying say a new hobby they had to go for a month or least couple weeks to decide.
My eldest would stay in bed all day given half a chance thats not healthy so us making him go to his sport keeps him healthy and he always enjoys it once there just when sat at home in front of xbox easy to not be bothered , which op says her dd can't bothered as opposed to totally hating it

I'm awaiting covid test result.