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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

370 replies

CurtainWitcher · 12/12/2020 10:27

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Heartlantern2 · 12/12/2020 18:56

Seems to know her daughter better than she knows herself Hmm

My mum would tell you I lived acting- I did but only parts I wanted to do not all the parts she wanted me to do because she thought I’d like it- turned the whole thing into something I ended up hating as she was just so forceful, like you really.

Mydogmylife · 12/12/2020 18:59

@AlternativePerspective

So again, how many of these OTT posters have teenagers? There’s a reason why teenagers are referred to as threenagers. they have the temper tantrums of a three year old but can do so more articulately, except they don’t have the maturity yet hence why they think they are grown up while still behaving like toddlers.

And also again, recording someone without their consent is illegal

And I would ask the dh if he would be perfectly happy for the DD to secretly record him when he doesn’t tell her what she wants to hear.

And all this “if you weren’t doing anything wrong” what bollocks.

Exactly re the 'if you weren't doing anything wrong' nonsense , you're not doing anything wrong coming out the shower, getting dressed etc but you certainly don't want that recorded and passed to other folk! Teenagers can be the most thrawn people in the world and definately aren't above a bit of manipulation to get their own way
Starlightstarbright1 · 12/12/2020 19:03

My teen did a cook along with Gordon Ramsey. He was in rears at one point , but I swooped in he needed support.

He is now happy - 13 year olds lack confidence .

However the recording me is not ok at all.

mbosnz · 12/12/2020 19:03

When my kids say they don't want to do something anymore, as an extra-curricular that's not tuition, I say okay. Outside of swimming, which they had to do until they were at squad level, then all good in the hood.

As a result, my daughter still berates me for my feeble mindedness in allowing her to dramatically quite ballet at five in an extremely embarrassing and public manner for a mother, which made me look a total tiger Mom, because now she regrets it, and wishes she'd stuck with it, and she wouldn't be at the grade she is now, since she returned to it.

Brat. (Affectionately said).

LaceyBetty · 12/12/2020 19:21

@mbosnz

When my kids say they don't want to do something anymore, as an extra-curricular that's not tuition, I say okay. Outside of swimming, which they had to do until they were at squad level, then all good in the hood.

As a result, my daughter still berates me for my feeble mindedness in allowing her to dramatically quite ballet at five in an extremely embarrassing and public manner for a mother, which made me look a total tiger Mom, because now she regrets it, and wishes she'd stuck with it, and she wouldn't be at the grade she is now, since she returned to it.

Brat. (Affectionately said).

But see, my kids hate swimming lessons and moan every time. Are you saying that is the only thing I should make them do? Why that one? If you are forcing them into an activity, why is swimming different (assuming they already swim at a level high enough not to drown).
LaceyBetty · 12/12/2020 19:22

@mbosnz Sorry, re-read. I think you are saying you maybe should have made them stick it out more in other activities.

suggestionsplease1 · 12/12/2020 19:23

I don't think it's comparable the recording issue of a conversation versus private moments where one should reasonably expect privacy.. They are very different situations.

There are abusive parents out there, of course there are.

That's no comment on OP, after all we don't really know her situation that well.

However some parents SHOULD be embarrassed by what they say to their children. When I was that age my mum would deliberately come into the bathroom when I was showering, where nobody else would overhear and when the noise of the shower covered what she was saying.

She would put me down, humiliate me and threatened me with taking me out of school, which was the place I felt safe and had friends.

I wish I could have recorded that for my dad to hear - he would have been devastated and I hope would have tried to help me. Because I was a pretty good kid, anxious to please and frightened of others' thinking poorly of me, and I didn't deserve any of that. My biggest crime was not wanting to tie my hair back the way my mum wanted me to.

Recording that might have stopped it earlier.

LaceyBetty · 12/12/2020 19:23

@Serin

"I only make her do things I think she will enjoy". That really isnt a good lesson to teach a young teen girl.
Does this have something to do with consent in a sexual setting? If so, it's a ridiculous comparison.
slipperywhensparticus · 12/12/2020 20:47

Posters are wilfully misunderstanding here she was told she didn't have to do all of the activity she herself wanted to do she was dramatic and recorded her mom telling her that what is that supposed to actually prove? My mom is being reasonable with me?

I would tell her I am thinking twice about her doing the next one because of the unessesary drama over this one and have a word with her and your husband about the law and manipulation tell him next time she starts she can ring her dad and he can deal every single time see how reasonable he is after a display and yes I have teens and pre teens and one with a lot of issues so drama is what I'm used to dealing with

DougRossIsTheBoss · 12/12/2020 21:31

When you ring any call centre it always tells you the call is being recorded. I thought you always had to have permission to record someone else whether you want to share it or not. Same if a Zoom meeting is being recorded you are always told.

I wondered how long it would be til someone brought up George Floyd and yes Yikes has gone there. FFS does anyone seriously think that a man being murdered by police in a racially motivated hate crime is the exact same as a teen having an argument with her mum??

Yikes you are projecting. You didn't like debating. OPs daughter does like singing. Can you not admit you were wrong now given the DD did enjoy it and signed up voluntarily for another one? Would you allow your 'vocal' DC to renege on commitments they had made and let people down? Are they not vocal enough to apologise for non attendance themselves? Anxiety is not an excuse for rudeness in my book.

I think recording someone secretly is a huge betrayal. Even if done openly it's an aggressive act. It is not going to help any human relationship and should only be done in situations of extreme abuse which this was not. If DD wanted to enlist her dad's support I still fail to see why she could not just ring him or message him and ask him to talk to OP. What is a covert recording going to add apart from betrayal and hurt. DD needs to learn why this was wrong and reflect on how she'd feel if it was done to her.

LaceyBetty · 12/12/2020 23:04

Just to be clear, you can record anyone under any circumstances for "personal use". It's not clear in law what that means and would be interesting to see a test case where such recording is shared with a father - as in this case.

TheLadyOfShallnott · 12/12/2020 23:09

I’d be unimpressed.

And the phone would be confiscated.

Besom · 13/12/2020 08:30

I previously looked at the law on this because of something at work and it is the passing on or playing of a recording to a third party that is not legal in most circumstances, unless it is in the poblic interest. So child protection or safeguarding issues would obviously trump any issues of privacy. But short of this there are ethical if not legal problems that people can easily become embroiled. This thread has made me realise I should have discussion with my own around the ethics of this this along with the other digital safety issues.

BiBabbles · 13/12/2020 10:52

Businesses have to be open about phone and zoom recordings as it's assumed that within a business, multiple people would have access to the recording (and in general, businesses have different rules to individuals).

An individual, no, the type of recording in the OP is not regulated in anyway. It's sometimes recommended for people with memory loss, audio processing issues, and other reasons to record calls or only use text base formats that can be referred to again. It's also sometimes recommended (and people have a wide range of opinions on effectiveness) if you're having a repeated argument to record it and then play back to discuss at a less tense time, sometimes with outside perspectives involved. If the OP's DD had done that with both parents present, I'd not have seen any issues even it didn't really solve anything. Sending behind the back is another matter.

It can't be compared to either recordings in a state of undress or recording a violent crime done by the state. It's not all recordings bad or good - it's a neutral tool and there is a lot of different factors and preferences involved in whether it's used well or not. Having had this issue, should probably be discussed soon.

HeckyPeck · 13/12/2020 10:56

@TidyDancer

I feel like I've stepped into a parallel universe on here sometimes. OP is abusive because she encouraged her DD to do an activity she knows she enjoys? Sure she is. 😂

Glad there's a happy ending OP. 😊

Haha I know. If my parents were as passive as some of these posters when I was a stroppy teen I'd have no hobbies or friends!
unmarkedbythat · 13/12/2020 13:50

And also again, recording someone without their consent is illegal

Is it? Can you link the relevant legislation?

FourPlatinumRings · 13/12/2020 14:00

@unmarkedbythat

And also again, recording someone without their consent is illegal

Is it? Can you link the relevant legislation?

No it isn't. Otherwise, HTH do you explain CCTV cameras?
CoffeeCreamandSugar · 13/12/2020 14:08

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. At all.

I asked my DH what he would do if our daughter acted the way yours has, and the first think he said was “I would ask her why she’s trying to play me off against her mother and tell her to stop it.” He also wouldn’t be impressed with the recording.

hansgrueber · 13/12/2020 15:01

@flaviaritt

It’s 2020 and cameras/phones are part and parcel of life now. It’s normal for young people. It’s how we interact with the world at this point.

No, it isn’t. Teach your children some manners.

Many things are, sadly, 'part and parcel of life now'. drugs, alcohol, shop-liting, the list goes on, does that make them acceptable? Such a dopey comment! I once surreptitiously deleted all the pictures off the camera of a person who knew my wishes yet thought it 'hilarious' to ignore them and took just one of me.
emilyfrost · 13/12/2020 15:13

And also again, recording someone without their consent is illegal

AlternativePerspective Don't be so silly; of course it isn’t.

saraclara · 13/12/2020 17:01

I once surreptitiously deleted all the pictures off the camera of a person who knew my wishes yet thought it 'hilarious' to ignore them and took just one of me.

@hansgrueber that's appalling. I'm absolutely fierce about preserving my own privacy and anonymity and would be extremely angry with anyone who didn't respect that. But deleting ALL of someone's photos is an absolutely disgusting thing to do. Who knows what important memories might be on there...photos of loved ones now dead? Once in a lifetime events?

Nothing. NOTHING excuses that behaviour. I almost can't believe what I just read.

BabyT1 · 13/12/2020 17:52

You are most DEFINITELY NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!! Your husband should have Backed you up and put your daughter in her place for recording you. Playing both sides is what a child does and both parents need to be on the same page and not play good guy bad guy.. She committed to doing this and you should be commended for not allowing her to give up without a good reason.. Well done you and I hope you feel better soon. And just a word of advice and only my opinion speak to your husband as well because he definitely didn't help the situation and should of dealt with your daughter for recording you..

BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 17:58

@CurtainWitcher

Thanks KittenCallledBob.

Hayeahnobut, yes, she is anxious, but she is also lazy, sulky and whiney.

I think we share the same daughter
Nearly47 · 13/12/2020 18:00

YANBU, But at least she only shared with her dad.

mbosnz · 13/12/2020 18:00

@LaceyBetty, I'm not saying anyone else should or shouldn't do anything!

But for the record, I was firm on swimming, because we lived in an island nation with a ridiculously high drowning rate. So as far as I was concerned, they had to learn to swim, and swim well.

As to the ballet, I start giggling hysterically whenever my daughter gets po-faced that she's at x-level, when if she'd only been required to stick it out by somebody who should have known better than to let her quit (she's looking straight at me, her erstwhile mother) she'd have been at y level.