Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smacking a child on the hand

239 replies

Warzone100 · 11/12/2020 19:07

I've name changed because I don't want this following me around mumsnet.

My much loved three year old is aggressive, he attacks me, DH and his 20 month old sister. It's important I include this info for context, he has autism. He's only semi verbal but has a reasonable level of understanding.

When he does attack he is capable of inflicting significant harm. He has bitten DD leaving deep marks, headbutted her, shoved her into the corners of furniture, thrown things at her head. You name it he has done it. As a result of all of this, DD has conditioned herself to run to me or DH as soon as DS becomes agitated as she knows she'll be the first in the firing line. Me and DH get it too but our main concern is DD getting hurt and it's just not possible to keep them away from one another at home.

Aside attacking others he smashes up the house. I've had to use endless polyfiller on the walls where he has thrown things, he has smashed countless plates and cups, he has pushed my television off the unit and broke that, smashed up his tablet device that my late father bought for him. He has even smashed a glass candle holder on DH's head causing him to bleed.

Despite my best efforts I cannot curb the behaviour, this is because he has so many triggers you couldn't possibly pre empt an outburst to prevent one. For example: if his tower of blocks falls down or his tablet runs out of battery, if it's time to get out of the bath, if he's told "no" to anything at all.

I have tried all of the traditional forms of meltdown management such as creating a safe space, sensory lighting, calm down music, soothing him, giving him some space, positive reinforcement and ignoring negative behaviour, plenty of 1-1 time with either me or DH. We have tried everything reasonably possible to help and support him and it's breaking my heart, the older he gets the worse it becomes. If he continues this way then by the age of 10 he's going to have put one of us in hospital.

This evening after him pinching DD and twisting her skin so hard she had an instant bruise, trying to bite her (i got between them first) charging at her ready to headbutt her (all because his toys fell off the table) I'm ashamed to say I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

It was my hope, in the moment, that it would shock him and be a deterrent the next time he goes to attack.

I didn't do it, but came very close.

We tell him all the time not to hit and to use kind hands but it doesn't make any difference, still we persevere.

I'm not a cruel parent and I've never laid a finger on either of my children, DS was our rainbow baby and is so, so loved. I'm just incredibly overwhelmed and feeling hopeless and scared for not only DD's future but his. We are treading on egg shells every day so that we (mainly DD) doesn't get attacked or our property smashed. He's three for goodness sake.

If there is help to be had then we don't get any, he was diagnosed in October and O.T waiting lists are at least 12 months long.

Would I have been a bad parent if I did smack him on the hand the next time he does it? I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard people say that this generation are unruly because they have no discipline, I've always rubbished the implication that children need to be spanked to be taught how to behave but now I just don't know. nothing is helping and he's getting worse.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 11/12/2020 19:16

I don’t think you would be a bad parent. But I don’t think it would work either. Somewhere (with a 3 year old) there is a perceived need that is not being met. That doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

Flowers
speakout · 11/12/2020 19:19

It would be illegal in most of the UK to assault a child.

formerbabe · 11/12/2020 19:20

Yes I agree with pp that it wouldn't work but no judgment from me..Sounds incredibly difficult. Maybe post on the sn board on here, I'm sure there will be lots of posters who have been through something similar

Iusedtobeslimmerthanthis · 11/12/2020 19:21

How difficult.

I really do think you simply have to keep them apart though. I realise this is so difficult, but it’s just got to be implemented in some way.

Very hard situation: you have my sympathy Flowers

SebastianTheCrab · 11/12/2020 19:22

@speakout

It would be illegal in most of the UK to assault a child.

This is insane. Lightly smacking a child on the hand is not "assault". The world has truly gone mad.

Original poster
Warzone100 · 11/12/2020 19:22

He gets incredibly frustrated so easily, something as small as toys falling off the table results in such rage.

I've known he has autism for a long time and adapted my parenting accordingly, making allowances for alot of the negative behaviour as I told myself he can't help it (getting frustrated that is, not attacking)

I've been a consistently calm parent but firm when redirecting him. We have boundaries but he doesn't abide them at all.

I'm at such a loss Sad

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 11/12/2020 19:22

I know you say you can’t keep them apart but I think you have to find a way to keep them apart
Can you get any support for his behavioural issues?
It sounds very hard so I don’t think you are doing anything wrong but could maybe use some support/ outside help

ivfbeenbusy · 11/12/2020 19:22

To be honest in the situation you have described when I was a child I would have got a smacked arse not a hand. He's out of control and sorry to say sounds dangerous which at age 3 must be very hard to deal with OP and my heart goes out to you. I agree with you though that sometimes you do have to wonder if the lack of disciplining in this generation is breeding worse behaviour than if they had experienced the sort of discipline our generation or our parents generation had

flaviaritt · 11/12/2020 19:24

But this doesn’t sound like a discipline issue. It sounds like a significant special need.

Original poster
Warzone100 · 11/12/2020 19:24

Just to make crystal clear to the PP who mentioned it being illegal, I was referring to a light smack with a firm "no"

I would never hurt him so long as I live.

OP posts:
OrangeGinLemonFanta · 11/12/2020 19:25

It really won't work. Your child is, even more than a neurological 3yo, utterly incapable of self regulation and empathy, especially when overwhelmed. Literally all this will do will upset him further and undermine your 'no hitting' message. God knows I understand the impulse - I have a speech disordered, hot tempered 3yo myself and he can be extremely hard work, so I'm sure you're at your wits end but I promise it won't help.

Tempusfudgeit · 11/12/2020 19:25

I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

Umm ...

SpamIAm · 11/12/2020 19:26

It sounds really hard OP but surely you can see that telling him "we don't hit" whilst hitting him isn't exactly sending a clear message. If violence is a problem with him, I can't see how responding with violence and normalising that is going to help.

Original poster
Warzone100 · 11/12/2020 19:27

@Tempusfudgeit

I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

Umm ...

I know, I realise the hypocrisy.

He just will not stop. He's totally unbothered if I raise my voice, if I move DD out of the way he pursues her.

There is no way to keep them apart for most of the day and these attacks happen so suddenly they could have spent the previous hour playing nicely along side each other. All it takes is a split second.

OP posts:
MissClarke86 · 11/12/2020 19:28

You say a lot of positive strategies you’ve tried but have you tried anything in terms of consequences? Every child with autism is different and has a different level of understanding but there needs to be a consequence for violent behaviour. Maybe try a thinking chair/area where he is expected to sit for 3 minutes afterwards? Buy a timer. Make cards with symbols on as a visual. (No hurting and a picture of a chair). He will likely refuse but he doesn’t get any kind of positive play etc until he does his thinking time. I teach and have a 7 year old with autism currently that we are trying this strategy with - he runs away from us, sometimes for up to an hour, but always eventually does his thinking time because he realises he’s not getting anything else from us. We literally just repeat “thinking chair please, we don’t hurt”. I’m sorry if you’ve tried this to no avail, it’s much harder at home where the space is full of other things (and your DD!) etc, but wanted to offer something.

I can see why you feel the need to tap his hand and don’t actually blame you, but the underlying message is still that hitting is a normal thing to do and I know you know that’s not right.

I’m so sorry though, this must be so so hard.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/12/2020 19:28

Assaulting your 3yo is neither going to improve his behaviour or make you feel better.

I imagine he is becoming violent because there are things in his world that are very hard for him. Hurting him is only going is going to make that worse, not better.

There is an approach called Positive Behaviour Support which I'd advise looking into. It is a way of carefully analysing behaviours in order to make a plan to alter the behaviour of those around the person with ASD in order to reduce difficult behaviours. I've seen it have astonishing results.

evenBetter · 11/12/2020 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Marshmallow91 · 11/12/2020 19:28

How long have you tried each of these methods? Children who have additional needs tend to need a little longer than NT kids to settle into new routines (and discipline methods)? I'd say about 6 days should be a long enough to see some kind of improvement, however minor, to see if a method will work.

Have you spoken to your gp about medication? If he really is as violent as you describe it may be something that can be considered, along with discussion with his paediatrician. Its definitely not something they'll just prescribe on a whim because he's so young, but starting the discussion certainly wouldn't hurt.

speakout · 11/12/2020 19:29

This is insane. Lightly smacking a elderly person on the hand is not "assault". The world has truly gone mad.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 11/12/2020 19:29

Huge sympathy for you, it must be incredibly hard to cope with supporting and loving both your children in their such different positions.

As others have said it's too confusing of a message to be of any help, and it will damage his trust in you.

You sound like an absolutely amazing parent by the way.

AurorasGingerbreadHouse · 11/12/2020 19:30

It's not just smacking and causing an injury which is illegal in most of the Uk, it's illegal to smack at all.

I do think you need to separate them. Which is hard I know! You either need to be policing them (so doing nothing else) or have them in separate spaces. So instead of them watching tv together, have one in the kitchen on an iPad, one in lounge watching tv. That kind of thing

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 11/12/2020 19:30

No judgement. But I don’t think it will work - sorry. Flowers

Stompythedinosaur · 11/12/2020 19:32

I also think that you need to have a way of keeping the dc apart in order to keep your youngest safe. How about a fixed room divider? It may help your ds to feel safer without another child in his space.

TheBabyAteMyBrain · 11/12/2020 19:32

I get it I do. But it wouldn't work. Your ds if very similar to mine from what you've said. He wouldn't make any connection, it'd be fruitless and you'd just feel horrid afterwards. I don't have any advice really. Have you spoken to portage or your HV? In my area they run some good courses which can really help, if nothing else the q & a section really helped me to see other parents are in the same situation and to hear what they do, and what the course leader suggested gave me some good pointers.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 11/12/2020 19:32

It really won't work. Your child is, even more than a neurological 3yo, utterly incapable of self regulation and empathy, especially when overwhelmed. Literally all this will do will upset him further and undermine your 'no hitting' message.

This with bells on. He’s autistic, smacking him will further increase his distress. In the nicest way possible what you need is padded, secure playpen that you can immediately lift him into if he has a meltdown - for everyone’s safety.

To be honest in the situation you have described when I was a child I would have got a smacked arse not a hand. He's out of control and sorry to say sounds dangerous which at age 3 must be very hard to deal with OP and my heart goes out to you. I agree with you though that sometimes you do have to wonder if the lack of disciplining in this generation is breeding worse behaviour than if they had experienced the sort of discipline our generation or our parents generation had

Please don’t listen to this ridiculously ignorant poster!! Morals of smacking aside, dealing with an NT child is completely different to dealing with a child with autism.