Smacking a child on the hand

[Warzone100]

I've name changed because I don't want this following me around mumsnet.

My much loved three year old is aggressive, he attacks me, DH and his 20 month old sister. It's important I include this info for context, he has autism. He's only semi verbal but has a reasonable level of understanding.

When he does attack he is capable of inflicting significant harm. He has bitten DD leaving deep marks, headbutted her, shoved her into the corners of furniture, thrown things at her head. You name it he has done it. As a result of all of this, DD has conditioned herself to run to me or DH as soon as DS becomes agitated as she knows she'll be the first in the firing line. Me and DH get it too but our main concern is DD getting hurt and it's just not possible to keep them away from one another at home.

Aside attacking others he smashes up the house. I've had to use endless polyfiller on the walls where he has thrown things, he has smashed countless plates and cups, he has pushed my television off the unit and broke that, smashed up his tablet device that my late father bought for him. He has even smashed a glass candle holder on DH's head causing him to bleed.

Despite my best efforts I cannot curb the behaviour, this is because he has so many triggers you couldn't possibly pre empt an outburst to prevent one. For example: if his tower of blocks falls down or his tablet runs out of battery, if it's time to get out of the bath, if he's told "no" to anything at all.

I have tried all of the traditional forms of meltdown management such as creating a safe space, sensory lighting, calm down music, soothing him, giving him some space, positive reinforcement and ignoring negative behaviour, plenty of 1-1 time with either me or DH. We have tried everything reasonably possible to help and support him and it's breaking my heart, the older he gets the worse it becomes. If he continues this way then by the age of 10 he's going to have put one of us in hospital.

This evening after him pinching DD and twisting her skin so hard she had an instant bruise, trying to bite her (i got between them first) charging at her ready to headbutt her (all because his toys fell off the table) I'm ashamed to say I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

It was my hope, in the moment, that it would shock him and be a deterrent the next time he goes to attack.

I didn't do it, but came very close.

We tell him all the time not to hit and to use kind hands but it doesn't make any difference, still we persevere.

I'm not a cruel parent and I've never laid a finger on either of my children, DS was our rainbow baby and is so, so loved. I'm just incredibly overwhelmed and feeling hopeless and scared for not only DD's future but his. We are treading on egg shells every day so that we (mainly DD) doesn't get attacked or our property smashed. He's three for goodness sake.

If there is help to be had then we don't get any, he was diagnosed in October and O.T waiting lists are at least 12 months long.

Would I have been a bad parent if I did smack him on the hand the next time he does it? I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard people say that this generation are unruly because they have no discipline, I've always rubbished the implication that children need to be spanked to be taught how to behave but now I just don't know. nothing is helping and he's getting worse.

Does he have his own bedroom?

Good luck with your kid and everything, but wanting to assault disabled kids is pretty appalling What's appalling is the utter lack of empathy for a clearly loving mother who's absolutely at the end of her tether and begging for help. She clearly doesn't want to assault her much loved son. I do want to use terminology that reflects how I feel about such judgemental posts but I'd get deleted.

OP who diagnosed your child with autism? My young cousin was diagnosed with autism, but later also diagnosed with, and medicated for, ADHD. He presented not unlike your son. The change in his behaviour and levels of happiness is remarkable.

@Tempusfudgeit

I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

Umm ...

This.

@BooFuckingHoo2

A secure padded play pen is basically what I had to get for my ADHD child at that age.

Also, OP i really sympathise with you because it must be incredibly difficult, but as a person with ASD, smacking during a meltdown for me would be akin to someone pulling your hair when you have toothache.

My son with autism was similar at that age until he was about eight. You have identified triggers but have you identified what happens afterwards? Ds used to attack all of us with little to no provocation. I worked out that he liked the shouting out "Ouch" and dd crying so did it to get the results.
We addressed it by giving him an alternative means to get the same result so if he hurt me I'd say nothing but if he stroked or tickled me I'd yell ouch. I had a recording of dd crying, if he threw beanbags at targets on the wall instead of toys at our heads I'd play dd crying. I provided strips of paper for ds to tear, play doh for him to gouge his fingers, big cushions for him to wrestle, balls for him to kick and the rewards would be a yell or crying.
In time as he got older and better able to communicate the aggression stopped.

@AurorasGingerbreadHouse obviously it’s not a nice thing to have to do, however people with ASD often just need to calm down peacefully, and for young children a padded playpen can be the safest place to do that.

It won't work and is a bad idea. I really do know it is difficult. He is little and struggling. Thats what his behaviour is telling you. I think soemtimes with kids with AN we have to "let go" of how we think they should behave and what we think they should cope with and parent the child we have.

He's not coping..he has autism and for whatever reason his needs arent being met. He cant communicate those needs well.

You need support (not criticism) but hitting a disabled child because they can't communicate their need is awful 😔

How would hitting a child teach them that hitting is unacceptable?

Hitting children is not ok.

I would never advocate any form of smacking, however light with any child, especially one with autism and possibly other significant needs.

I appreciate that a light tap when dealing with challenging behaviour may seem tempting, but this will just lead to a confused and unhappy little boy. He is already trying to make sense of a confusing and frightening world.

What have you tried? Do you have any support yourself?

@evenBetter

Hitting is to cause pain and fear though, so a ‘light smack’ is to cause pain, otherwise it would be a ‘touch’. ‘considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"’- so...do the thing that you’re saying we do not do? Good luck with your kid and everything, but wanting to assault disabled kids is pretty appalling.

Jesus Christ, the way you twisted this to say OP wants to “assault disabled kids” is disgusting. What on earth possessed you to respond to this thread like that - a thread where someone is clearly at their wits’ end with an incredibly difficult situation and is reaching out for help? It’s not fucking assault. I can’t believe people think posting like this is ok - just say you want to get a kick in while someone’s down and leave.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a light smack or not, it’s still illegal and classed as assault (and rather disgusting to hit a toddler with ASD who has zero understanding of what they’re doing).

That being said, your DD needs far more protection than she’s currently getting. Is she ever left alone with DS? I’d recommend not being further than arms reach away from her when your son is around - a 20 month old can be very seriously injured a lot easier than you think. I’d also recommend no breakable objects anywhere within his reach, including plates and cups etc. Stick to plastic (or bamboo plates etc!), don’t ever allow him to be unsupervised with cutlery around your DD either. Have you considered asking SS for help? You might be eligible for respite care, it would give your DD some much needed rest from her brother too.

Can you afford to go private for extra help?

To OP - it’s not assault but it isn’t right and it’s also not going to work I don’t have much advice for you but hoping things get better.

You need to remove him to a safe space away from everyone else when he behaves like that, for everyone's sake. In summer, I would say the garden. Harder at this time of year, but could you put a babygate or something across part of a room where he has nothing to be able to cause damage? Put some soothing sensory things in there ...weighted blanket maybe, plastic bottle with water,oil,colouring and glitter?

I say that as the mother of a child with ASD btw, I meant no judgement. It’s bloody hard, completely exhausting and it stays that way for years. However the violent outbursts should get better with proper help and support

Wow some of the replies are absolutely shocking! Some people love to stick the boot in don’t they 😇

OP you aren’t a bad parent you’re someone at the end of their wick trying to do the best for both your children. I don’t blame you for thinking of trying every angle of discipline possible given nothing has worked so far. I would be the same in your position. Is he under any specialists you could ask for advice with managing his behaviour? Wishing you all the luck in the world

Thank you for the replies

He does have a padded play pen that I can take him to when he is in meltdown but he just climbs straight out. It's in his bedroom. The last time I put him in there when he was lashing out he just climbed out and dragged over the storage draws, throwing all of his clothes everywhere. I was stood just outside the door and had to go back in because I was worried he would hurt himself. He also bangs his own head, hard.

He has a paediatrican so I'm going to call her on Monday, we can't go on like this any more.

To answer PP about how long I trialled the previous methods used, the answer is consistently - for weeks.

The only support we've been told about is O.T and SALT but both have such long waiting lists, we'll have reached crisis point long before they come about.

I work PT (weekends) and DH works FT (nights) this means there is usually only one of us around at any given time, they both need to be monitored and can't be left alone for long (as individuals) so putting one in one room and another in the other room wouldn't work.

I can't stress enough how much I love DS, hurting him is the last thing I would ever want to do.

I agree with @flaviaritt. what you are going through sounds horrendous and I’m not surprised you have no idea what to do next. I think you need to get on at the support teams again to see how they can help you.

Do you get any respite when he goes to nursery? Do you have a SEND link at the council you can get in touch with for support? I’d be getting in touch with everyone you can asking for help and if you get no support, complain to your MP and ask what they can do for you and where they suggest you turn for help.

I'm ashamed to say I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

Can you not see the irony of smacking a child and saying 'no! we do not hit' ?

No judgment, just pointing that bare fact out. Oh, and it's illegal in Scotland

I wouldn’t blame you and I’ve done it myself (no it’s not assault ) but I don’t think it would work with your child. I hope you get some support soon.

What are people gobbling off at me? 😄 it absolutely is assault. HTH

*gobbing

Op if you want somewhere to get help and support, there's a lovely group on Facebook called Gentle Parenting for Autistic Children UK that you might like to join.

He is laid against me now, happy and sweet.

I feel like crying