Smacking a child on the hand

[Warzone100]

I've name changed because I don't want this following me around mumsnet.

My much loved three year old is aggressive, he attacks me, DH and his 20 month old sister. It's important I include this info for context, he has autism. He's only semi verbal but has a reasonable level of understanding.

When he does attack he is capable of inflicting significant harm. He has bitten DD leaving deep marks, headbutted her, shoved her into the corners of furniture, thrown things at her head. You name it he has done it. As a result of all of this, DD has conditioned herself to run to me or DH as soon as DS becomes agitated as she knows she'll be the first in the firing line. Me and DH get it too but our main concern is DD getting hurt and it's just not possible to keep them away from one another at home.

Aside attacking others he smashes up the house. I've had to use endless polyfiller on the walls where he has thrown things, he has smashed countless plates and cups, he has pushed my television off the unit and broke that, smashed up his tablet device that my late father bought for him. He has even smashed a glass candle holder on DH's head causing him to bleed.

Despite my best efforts I cannot curb the behaviour, this is because he has so many triggers you couldn't possibly pre empt an outburst to prevent one. For example: if his tower of blocks falls down or his tablet runs out of battery, if it's time to get out of the bath, if he's told "no" to anything at all.

I have tried all of the traditional forms of meltdown management such as creating a safe space, sensory lighting, calm down music, soothing him, giving him some space, positive reinforcement and ignoring negative behaviour, plenty of 1-1 time with either me or DH. We have tried everything reasonably possible to help and support him and it's breaking my heart, the older he gets the worse it becomes. If he continues this way then by the age of 10 he's going to have put one of us in hospital.

This evening after him pinching DD and twisting her skin so hard she had an instant bruise, trying to bite her (i got between them first) charging at her ready to headbutt her (all because his toys fell off the table) I'm ashamed to say I momentarily considered smacking him on the hand with a firm "no! we do not hit"

It was my hope, in the moment, that it would shock him and be a deterrent the next time he goes to attack.

I didn't do it, but came very close.

We tell him all the time not to hit and to use kind hands but it doesn't make any difference, still we persevere.

I'm not a cruel parent and I've never laid a finger on either of my children, DS was our rainbow baby and is so, so loved. I'm just incredibly overwhelmed and feeling hopeless and scared for not only DD's future but his. We are treading on egg shells every day so that we (mainly DD) doesn't get attacked or our property smashed. He's three for goodness sake.

If there is help to be had then we don't get any, he was diagnosed in October and O.T waiting lists are at least 12 months long.

Would I have been a bad parent if I did smack him on the hand the next time he does it? I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard people say that this generation are unruly because they have no discipline, I've always rubbished the implication that children need to be spanked to be taught how to behave but now I just don't know. nothing is helping and he's getting worse.

@speakout

If they were attacking your child, biting your husband's arse and wrecking your house, you'd have them arrested instead.

If your dog did this would you hit it?

No, I'd get it re-homed or put to sleep.

A tap on the hand is not assault.

So what is a "tap"?

I may tap my OH on the shoulder to alert him to a helicopter.
I may tap my mother when I bring her tea.
A tap is a light touch.
How exactly does a "tap" discipline a child?

Those who "tap" actually mean a slap- an assault

I sympathise OP - I have two autistic kids both of whom have over the years really hurt me, each other and damaged various bits of our house. My older dd did this to the younger one and it was awful - I couldn't fully protect her and I do think it has had a long term impact on her. But it is not possible to protect the younger one entirely - you can't always get to them quickly enough. I wish I'd been able to stop it but I don't wish I'd smacked dd1's hand. She would have been confused, upset and betrayed and how could I have said 'hitting is wrong'?

They are 13 and 11 now and it's still going on BUT dd1 doesn't hurt dd2 in that way and hasn't for years - they still fight with each other though there are periods of peace too!

What I have found helpful is:

• thinking what is the trigger/cause - keep a diary
• go very very low arousal as child will be in heightened state fight/flight so low voice, minimal language (he won't be able to process language in this state) I realised that dd1 partly hit because of the sensory input she got from it and I massively upped her hard impact sensory input including eventually getting her to the stage where she would ask for sensory input when she started feeling she wanted to hurt us. I'd wrap her in her duvet and do 'hot dog in a bun' and also actually smack the soles of her feet quite hard (this was arrived at consensually!)

A tap on the hand is not assault. Please don't throw that reword around.

If that is the case why don't teachers "tap" children.

I am the child who was bitten back. I bit my much older sister and mother. It was the only thing that worked. In the United States, severely autistic children receive several electrical shocks a day. Google Judge Rotenberg Center. Ironically, my sister worked for their former organization in her early twenties.

@catx1606 what definition of assault are you going by? This one doesn't fit your narrative (Wikipedia):
An assault is the act of inflicting physical harm or unwanted physical contact upon a person or, in some specific legal definitions, a threat or attempt to commit such an action.

Also smacking is not legal anywhere in UK but some parts of the UK e.g. Scotland have removed a specific defence in law for when it used on children. It has always been ia criminal act to assault anyone regardless of age as long as a crime of assault has existed. But for children, there has been a defence of reasonable chastisement or justifiable assault.

That is to say - you are talking bollocks.

@Embracelife

Alex the younger child is 20 months She doesnt know what is and isnt usual She isnt going to call childline yet Op is going to get help long before the 20 month old calls

so what does that mean, that the sufferings and fear of a younger child don't matter, because she can't telephone anyone about it. i cannot understand your point. if anything her youth makes her suffering greater. or do you think that because she has not developed ideas of what is usual, then her feelings and experiences, trauma don't matter. imagine being subjected to arbitrary assaults from an unpredictable stronger person, in your own home, ie no where to go to get away.

alexdgr8 that was my thought too. Horrifying response.
People saying oh don't grab the boy it'll be upsetting, if he's hurting his younger baby sister then its an emergency and the priority is to stop the assault.

#Griefmonster"

"In England, you don't have the legal right to smack your child unless it is 'reasonable punishment'. If the violence you use is severe enough to leave a mark, for example, a scratch or a bruise, you can be prosecuted for assault.5 Jan 2020"

There you go, if it's is deemed as a reasonable punishment then no it's not illegal.

Now I'm not saying whether I agree with smacking or not but just thought I'd add that point.

It has been banned in Scotland, not in the UK

A tap on the hand is not an assault. There's giving a light tap and then using extreme violence. Quite different.

OP, haven't read everything. But been where you are and yes, you're right you have to do everything you can to protect DD.

What worked for us was a combination of pinning him down from behind when we could, whispering "you're safe, mummy's here" until he calmed down.
We bought him a cushion and said it was the only thing he was allowed to hit. Came down hard on him hitting anything else, esp DD. Upgraded to a punch bag when he was about 4. He rarely uses it now, as he has learnt to communicate more but it was effective at the in between stage.
Blanket ban on throwing, he couldn't cope with you can't throw this but you can throw this soft ball etc. Reintroduced soft ball games after about 6 months and got him a mini-basketball hoop for his room.

Smacking a child while telling them that "We do not hit" is the ultimate in irony

I get the frustration though (and my dc was violent but seemingly not to the same extent as yours) and there were definitely times when I was tempted but responding to violence with violence is more likely to escalate things than stop them.

Other than that I've no advice I'm afraid (mine grew out of it though can still be prone to anger), can only offer

He has no control on what he is doing because of his condition so why on earth do you think hitting him would work?

What you need to do is put pressure on your doctor to help you with this whether if it with medication or trying better ways to manage his behaviour. There also might be charities that help parents of kids with your son's condition.

Hitting a child with special needs/a disability is not on. Carers who do this to a disabled adult/young person in a home would quickly end up with the police involved. Think about this.

I know it is an incredibly tough situation for you but you need to ask for help, not think about smacking as a solution...

I know it is an incredibly tough situation for you but you need to ask for help, not think about smacking as a solution...

I thought OP said she had asked for help and the waiting lists are 12 months long. What's she supposed to do in the meantime?

OP in addition, you need to fix anything you think he could throw, and stuff you don't think he can move (tv, shelves etc) as I swear DS got superhuman strength in a meltdown. Get one of those survival covers for the tablet and your need to move everything that's breakable, plastic plates and cups for the DC.

Does DD have a place she can go that he is not allowed to go? Whether that's her own room (DS isn't allowed in DD's room without her permission and has to leave as soon as she says so) or your room during the day.

@catx1606 - I'm assuming you're not a lawyer (not meant rudely just you seem to have misunderstood my post).

Reasonable punishment is a defence in law. I.e. a parent can rely on that defence. It does not mean that smacking is legal. From the first site I clicked on:

*What is the law on smacking children?

It is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack their child. There is however a defence available to a parent or person acting in loco parentis where the smack amounts to “reasonable punishment” This defence is laid down in Section 58 of the Children Act 2004*

Google "reasonable punishment defence"