DH always “helping”

[Cavaleer]

I’m getting very pissed off with my DH. I’m prepared to be told I’m BU but I want others opinions and to know if your partner does this. We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”. Is it “helping”? Isn’t it just “doing”? We’re then in the position where it’s me doing and him helping. So I’m then having to say “thanks” for whatever it is that he’s done. Because he’s “helped”. I don’t get thanked. It’s my norm. I just have to crack on. So if he says “what can I help with” and I’m “can you get the kids in the bath” it’s then expected me to “thanks for bathing them tonight” “thanks for loading the dishwasher” “thanks for cleaning their shoes” etc etc etc
Is this normal?
It feels like I’m the bog standard employee and he’s the overseer jumping in when things are proving busy to help “ease the load” and as such I’m then to appreciate that. It just feels like a fucked up dynamic and I want to know how other people do this in normal relationships please?

Perhaps you need to have a discussion about a standard evening routine?
e.g. when my DC were younger we both did bedtime, but alternated children.

So he could be responsible for washing up every evening, and packed lunch making, and alternate bath & bedtimes.

Oooohhhh I so empathise with this, but I don’t know the answer. DH is actually a very involved parent who contributes a lot (when he’s actually at home, which isn’t often...) but will inform me when he’s filled the dishwasher/put DD2 down for a nap/hung out a load of washing with a sort of flourish which almost inevitably ends up with me thanking him. Where’s my thanks for everything else? I don’t think it’s necessarily THAT toxic, but may require a conversation with DH to reframe things... interested to see others’ responses...

What happens if you don’t thank him? My DH has a habit of telling me what he’s done - like emptying the bins and i asked him once if he was expecting a thank you as if I told him everything I do then I’d be telling him all day. He said he wasn’t expecting a thank you but he still does it and I always just say ok when he tells me.

This may sound strange but we thank each other for doing things all of the time. Perhaps he just needs to reciprocate to even this out.

Have you not told him that you don't need a "helper?" You need an equal partner, and one who doesn't need to ask what they can do because it's fucking obvious. A child asks what they can "help" with, a normal, functioning adult should not need instructions. That's what I would be telling him. You have a voice, use it.

A man washing up and expecting thanks for doing it in his own home ? I don't think so.

Are you working?

Oh dear, we do this! 😳 We thank each other all the time. I guess I need to be appreciated! It's not as twee as it sounds, I promise 😂.

It's a very typical dynamic. Some people cope with it by saying 'well if I'm project managing too then you will have to take a bigger share of the grunt work to give me the time.' Personally I think it's better to zone tasks eg I meal plan and cook Mon-Fri, you do sat and Sun, I'll wash towels and bedding, you do the clothes, 'you do admin for school and Brownies, I'll be the main contact for nursery and football'. Etc. Then he doesn't ask you, he just does his bits.

But I know dh defaults to this around cooking, which he finds hard to 'envisage'. He gets it though, and does take it on the chin when I don't jump in with instructions.

Unfortunately I think it is not uncommon. Can you have a sit down chat with him some time when you’re both calm and discuss division of labour in the house?

Tell him you feel overburdened and ask him which of the household chores he can take responsibility for, and which ones you’re happy to take responsibility for.

As for the “thanking”, I think that depends on your relationship dynamic. I thank DH for making dinner, he thanks me for washing up. I thank him for taking the bins out, he thanks me for cleaning the bathroom. They are our own chores, but the thanking just adds a nice atmosphere and it is nice to be appreciated. I know others don’t feel that way though.

Have allocated jobs. At the moment all the jobs are allocated to you, so DH doing any of them is "helping". It sounds like you are at the stage where your evenings are all virtually the same so you need to agree things like you will cook and he will wash up. Or you will tidy up after dinner while he does bath and bed. Or you'll do the cleaning up on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and he does it on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Basically some division of tasks which is more equal, and where you both understand which things you're meant to do and which the other will do.

Have the conversation... as @Aquamarine1029 put it or more politely if you can be bothered!

It's and old and sexist trope and needs to be retired...

I don’t think it’s right but it’s fairly common in society for home work to be considered ‘a woman’s work’ and therefore it’s your responsibility. Then if your DH helps he’s taking on some of your work.

I simply refuse to do this with my partner. I don’t call it ‘my dishwasher’ it is ‘our dishwasher’, ‘our house’, ‘our children’, and I say things to reiterate this like....I don’t know what they should wear, you decide. I have no idea, you’re a grown man, you work it out. She’s your daughter, I’m not going to tel you how to be a father, that’s up to you! You’re a man, you can handle it! And then I leave and do other stuff. I think in many relationships when enable men to shirk the mental load. You just need to refuse to do that.

I may get shot down in flames for this.... but is it so bad that he asks what he can do to help?
The amount of lazy OH'S on here who literally don't lift a finger 🤷🏻‍♀️
This guy asks what he can do to help so you tell him, surely it's just manners to say "cheers for that" ?
We do it all the time!
Shall I do dishes?
Yeah that's great thanks

Just my opinion, before I get the posters saying he should be doing it anyway, yes he probably should, but like most men...they won't do unless given a bit of a prompt

I think you're lucky he wants to 'help' but the wording would annoy me, too.

DP generally does things without complaint (albeit with some encouragement needed sometimes - but I can handle that so long as it gets done) but 17yo DSS always thinks he's doing things 'for us'.

Like he'll shout me to tell me 'your washing has finished' (it's always actually more HIS washing than anyone else's as he changes his clothes about 500 times a day, and he could transfer it to the drier instead of shouting me), or this morning he announced he'd emptied the bin for me, and he'd put the dishes away for me. Both of which after I'd asking to, he then confirmed he'd done it 'for me'.

I just feel that at 17 he's not a child, and should be taking on some responsibility for the house he lives in. So no, it's not 'for me' - it's just what adults need to do in a family home! I don't think he realises his attitude is so bad sometimes, as jf I'm the sodding maid and every tiny thing he does (usually prompted) is relieving this massive burden I would otherwise have carried. No! If he notices the bin is full, the dishes need putting away, the washing machine has finished, it's JUST as much his responsibility - living in the house - as it would be me or his dad's. Yet for some reason when he does it he expects a fanfare.

I should start listing every single thing I do. I can't even imagine what he would say if I told him I'd hoovering the living room 'for him' even though that job benefits him just as much as him putting dishes away benefits me .. iyswim.

I call it gold star hunting
I have been known to say this:

If you want gold stars for doing things I do every day without thanks! I suggest you get a job in Mac Donald's 😂😂

that's the problem sometimes it's too easy for a woman to do things because they think it is then done faster / properly, but it doesn't do men any favours, just makes some of them lazy, their dc see the dynamic and then when they grow up we hear about the lazy dh /dp who can't be bothered to do any thing, let alone parent his own children, 'because mum always looked after us kids'.

Another vote for allocated jobs.

My DH looks after DD (3) for 14 hours one day a week whilst I work. He is not helping, he is caring for his own child, and expected to do everything required during that time (although I do often make them a freezer meals to have, only because I batch cook so I can take something to work with me). He also does the bins/recycling, all the dishes, anything car related, and mortgage/ insurance admin. I don't expect to have to prompt him to do these things and if I do have to remind him then it would be in the form of a bollocking and definitely no 'thank you'.

The phrase in our house is 'What d'you want, a paper hat?'

Substitute rosette, stocker, brownie point etc.

We do this all the time to each other. If one of us is first on the job, the other will join in and will say “how can I help?” So we can divide and conquer. Then when we are done, we both say thank you to each other.

We also do it when one of us picks up the slack of the other when not feeling well. For example, it’s usually my chore to hoover the upstairs on a Thursday while DH cooks dinner. But I had a headache and so asked him if he could do the hoovering as well. He did and I said thank you.

Perhaps your DH needs to say thank you to you now and then? It does feel nice to be appreciated even if it’s what you have decided are your bog standard chores versus his chores.

One time when one of my kids was a colicky, screeching, cling on devil baby who slept for 20 minute stints and only on my chest... My husband had a go at me because I didn't thank him for having the baby for a couple of hours downstairs so I could get some sleep before the recurring traumatic night time began. I told him to fuck off, he's the parent too. Seemed to do the trick.

I always say thank you to DH for helping in the house but I work the least and he always thanks me for helping at work and for sorting things for his family out and making dinner.

If you're doing more of the work both income wise and homework wise then that needs addressing. And if he isn't appreciating what you do then that needs a talk. But I dont think it's wrong to thank someone for doing something. You expect your kids to thank you for stuff that you're required to do as a parent dont you? Like feed them and buy them new clothes? We say thanks a lot in this house tbh

@TallTowerFan

This may sound strange but we thank each other for doing things all of the time. Perhaps he just needs to reciprocate to even this out.

Yes we do too. I do all the dinners, he does all the tidying up. We thank one another as we go.

Plus, does he actually ask you for thanks? Because that is ridiculous. Or do you just feel the need

ahh and the third stereotypical thread I've seen today alone. its beyond tedious.

no you shouldnt have to thank him for doing the stuff you do every day. of course not - you shouldnt be doing all that yourself. nothing will change though if exhausted women just keep putting up with this crap and not challenging it. makes me really irritated when I read stuff like this. on the surface it makes him look really good but if it was a women it would be like "well it is your job to do that, why would you be thanked for doing what all mums do?". a bit like the other thread where a guy was called "a decent bloke" for staying in 5 nights a week out of 7. grim.