DH always “helping”

[Cavaleer]

I’m getting very pissed off with my DH. I’m prepared to be told I’m BU but I want others opinions and to know if your partner does this. We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”. Is it “helping”? Isn’t it just “doing”? We’re then in the position where it’s me doing and him helping. So I’m then having to say “thanks” for whatever it is that he’s done. Because he’s “helped”. I don’t get thanked. It’s my norm. I just have to crack on. So if he says “what can I help with” and I’m “can you get the kids in the bath” it’s then expected me to “thanks for bathing them tonight” “thanks for loading the dishwasher” “thanks for cleaning their shoes” etc etc etc
Is this normal?
It feels like I’m the bog standard employee and he’s the overseer jumping in when things are proving busy to help “ease the load” and as such I’m then to appreciate that. It just feels like a fucked up dynamic and I want to know how other people do this in normal relationships please?

So have a conversation and divide up the chores. Then you each have your own responsibilities that you just get on with.

e.g. One person does dinner, the other does bath and bed time. You can do alternate days.

If he is expecting to be thanked for every household task or childcare chore, yet doesn't do the same for you, and you've talked to him about this previously, I'd go a bit passive aggressive and make him a sticker chart - put it up on the fridge and give him a sticker every time he informs you he's 'helped'. Then he can see how ridiculous he is being for wanting to be congratulated for everything he does.
Even if you aren't working, that doesn't mean that all childcare and chores are your responsibility 24/7. He doesn't live in a hotel.

I think may YAB a tiny bit U in being very pissed off. I think this is a communication issue...

It sounds to me like he sees you as being "in charge" of all child/house related evening chores. He may think that you want to be, and he is being most useful by letting you delegate to him! Just sit him down and tell him that you don't want to be in charge of it all!

Agreeing a routine could be as structured as set responsibilities for each of you, or set responsibilities on a day, or as loose as 'one person cooks dinner and cleans the kitchen, and the other does bath time and school uniforms'. Of course on days where one of you have something on or is ill or stressed out, the other can help out and will get a thank you!

In our house we have set jobs (very loosely, I cook and he cleans) and this works really well.

What does he do in house if he only works part time but you're doing housework on an evening.

To be honest only time my DH will ask what needs doing/help with, is when I'm gutting rooms. The rest is pretty self explanatory

I think perhaps you just need to ask, 'Would you like me to bath the kids/load the dishwasher/cook this weekend? etc.'

@80sColourfulChristmas

I might be ripped apart for saying this, but if he's the only one pulling in a wage then I do kind of see it as him helping you with your role - IF it's done during times when you're normally doing it. Yes they're his kids (presumably) but if you've agreed to do the lion's share of domestic duties WHILST he is working then for him to come and do some of your role whilst he would normally be working, then to me, that's him helping you with 'your role'. Just like if you were to walk into his office and offer to do some of his work - you would be helping in his role

How on earth have you got this from the OP which says this is happening in the evenings and her DH only works part-time anyway?

Sometimes when DH does something I do say thanks.
On other days when I'm a feeling a bit more oppressed by the patriarchy I will say, I would thank you, except it's as much your job as mine to load the dishwasher.

He should take it upon himself to insist on doing certain tasks. I think you both need to sit down and outline which evening tasks each of you will do. If you insist on doing everything then he will ask “can I help?”

It sounds like you're in control and he isn't sure what needs doing so needs to ask. Perhaps you need to have a chat about what needs doing each evening, agree a routine of who will do what, take it in turns to mix it up a bit (so while one does bathtime/homework the other washes up/cooks etc) so you each know where you are?

DH and I thank each other all the time - it's about acknowledging what the other one has done. But in your case, it's clearly one sided because it's all your responsibility so it's expected for you, but extra for him. I would not be accepting that.

How you handle it is up to you but there have been many suggestions on this thread. Mostly though, stop being the one responsible for everything. If he's only working part time, it's really not clear to me why you are doing all the chores in the evening. I'd have thought he could be doing quite a few of these chores during the hours he's not working?

I don’t get it. Presumably you are also working during the day when he is working. So in the evenings he isn’t pulling his weight. You’re doing more than your fair share. Why can’t you just communicate with him directly and normally?

“I’m too tired. There’s to much to do every evening. I’m not getting any rest the whole day (change as appropriate). In future can you do X and Y every evening?”.

I do all the cooking and cleaning house admjn shopping. Uniforms homework etc. Most women I work with do too. Dh will strip beds and empty bins. He used to tell me he did it and look over expecting a 'oh you're great'

Then for ages I said I got the dc up and dressed. I made their lunches. I did drop offs pick ups and homework washed uniforms cleaned again cooked again and still have plenty to do.

I kept doing that on and on and on

I leave my husband a list of what need doing and I do the other jobs. I've not written down for him. X

I thank DH for doing things, he thanks me. I'm the SAHP but sometimes, we both just need to hear it or say it.

Yes, it's annoying because the act of working out how he can 'help' is also work, and at the moment you have to do this every time he 'helps'.

The only way to get around this is to officially make some parts of managing the household his responsibility. However, there is no getting around the fact that you can't do that without some upfront planning and talking.

We both thank each other when someone does something (not all the time obv).

You can’t ‘help’ in your own house and you can’t ‘help’ with your own children. I’ve wrote this exact thing on another thread today. I also wrote than a man I know said he was babysitting one evening. He was looking after his own fucking children. That’s not babysitting ! 🤣

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man like this. I couldn’t even be bothered to explain what needs doing. I’d feel like I had a 6 year old child not a partner. However, unfortunately I think it’s a common dynamic from reading on here and talking to people in real life.

The most annoying thing about this would be not so much the expecting thanks (though that is annoying) it’s him asking you how to help.

So you have the extra job of remembering everything that needs doing so you can allocate him a task. Basically you have the job of managing the team as well as doing at least 50% of the team’s tasks. As a PP said it’s the mental load.

I think the only way out of this is to carve out certain areas which he is completely responsible for. So for example he always does all laundry. Or all food shopping. Or packed lunches. Or deals with all communications from school. Or some combination of the above. You shouldn’t need to tell him to do these tasks, or thank him, it’s just always his job to do them.

I'm big on thanking so don't have a problem with that at all. Newscasters say 'thank you ' to their colleagues when they mean 'ok, I'm going to take over now'. I use it in meetings all the time to move things alone

Your issue as I see it, is more about responsibilities, in that you appear to be responsible for , well, everything. He doesn't need to be 'Santa's little helper' or even your boss. What you need is each to have areas of responsibility.

Divide up what there is to do however suits you both. Just accept that it needs to be divided, that not everything yours.

For example, cooking could be divided into different days, but who makes sure the ingredients are available / plans the meals : what to buy? Alternate days cooking / washing up? Find a way that takes up roughly the same amount of time over all the things needing doing.

Him doing the gardening (sitting in the shed planning throughout winter and spring ) and you shopping/cooking/washing up, child wrangling and buying their clothes is not a good split.

I'm not suggesting it's easy, but if is necessary. You can adjust as you go along just so long as you both feel it's fair. Ideally you both genuinely feel the other is doing more, not that you do more and he accepts that you do more.

It's one of had most difficult things to do at work. And at home. It's definitely worth spending a bit of time on it to get it right.

If he simply stepped in and did stuff without asking would you be annoyed with him if the things he did weren't what you felt needed doing?

More bullshit from men

DH is the same. Expects an award all the fucking time

So you've told him this is silly but he keeps doing it?

Instead of just getting on with things, maybe try ask him how you can help?

I wouldn't be having this. Sit down with him and tell him he needs to take responsibility with you for all the things that need to be done in the evening. If he really needs a list (!) then you will give him a one-time only list and after that he just pitches in like an adult.

dh and I do thank each other for some stuff - the person who gets up to let the dog out at 6.30 gets definitely gets thanked. Dh started doing this thing where on the rare occasions he cleared up after the dog in the garden I got a blow by blow account as if he had done something amazing. I do the vast majority of dog care as I am home and this irritated the shit out of me so I started texting him and telling him every time I picked up after the dog. He saw the funny side.

@Aquamarine1029
Have you not told him that you don't need a "helper?" You need an equal partner, and one who doesn't need to ask what they can do because it's fucking obvious.

Actually to be fair that there are plenty of women who don't want an equal partner, they want someone to do things as they say and how they do it.
I am not saying this is the case here, but I have read many posts about DH being rubbish because they dont do things the way the DM does.

Next time asks how to help, tell him to go and write a list of all the jobs he can think of, then do them.