DH always “helping”

[Cavaleer]

I’m getting very pissed off with my DH. I’m prepared to be told I’m BU but I want others opinions and to know if your partner does this. We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”. Is it “helping”? Isn’t it just “doing”? We’re then in the position where it’s me doing and him helping. So I’m then having to say “thanks” for whatever it is that he’s done. Because he’s “helped”. I don’t get thanked. It’s my norm. I just have to crack on. So if he says “what can I help with” and I’m “can you get the kids in the bath” it’s then expected me to “thanks for bathing them tonight” “thanks for loading the dishwasher” “thanks for cleaning their shoes” etc etc etc
Is this normal?
It feels like I’m the bog standard employee and he’s the overseer jumping in when things are proving busy to help “ease the load” and as such I’m then to appreciate that. It just feels like a fucked up dynamic and I want to know how other people do this in normal relationships please?

Can I just suggest you tell him these are the roles that are his responsibility. Bathing the kids , getting them to bed washing cooking etc. anything really and let him be the master of that.

I would also see if 1 or 2 nights a week he does all the roles and you can wind down and maybe offer to help him if you want.

I agree with @toomanyplants. He is asking probably as he looks up to you and thinks/knows you know whats what in the routine and chore front. My oh asks as he isnt confident with the baby stuff even tho he does a brilliant job when im not around. Take it as a conpliment.

@crystaltips98

I agree with *@toomanyplants*. He is asking probably as he looks up to you and thinks/knows you know whats what in the routine and chore front. My oh asks as he isnt confident with the baby stuff even tho he does a brilliant job when im not around. Take it as a conpliment.

Oh fuck that.

A grown up man who travels the world for work is so incompetent that he needs to be told to empty the dishwasher?

I would hope women would think more highly of men than that tbh. Because even my 9yo would have known to do wo being asked.

What hours are you both working?

If you're FT & he's PT, shouldn't he be doing some stuff anyway-cooking, laundry, for example & then splitting what needs doing with the kids?

Yes, we thank each other too. DH does a lot more round the house than I do, but I often say thank you to him for doing it, because I REALLY appreciate it.

But OP, YANBU, he's not helping, he's doing, but he can still be thanked, as long as he is thanking you also!

And as per a PP, it really isn't as twee as it sounds - it's just nice to shown appreciation I think. Just like I thank my cleaner - I pay her, it's her job, but I still appreciate it.

We thank each other for doing jobs like remaking the bed, cooking supper (and thank the kids who cook at least once a week), unloading the dishwasher, etc. However, there is no expectation of a thanks we consider it well mannered. Plus, having modelled the behaviour of not taking such things for granted the kids will do this too.

I used to do this aswell. Anytime I asked dp to do something and he did it I would thank him. Then one day I thought WTF am I doing he lives here, he makes plenty of mess, I also work a full-time job too, and I'm thanking him for cleaning his own fuckkng mess, or putting sheets on his own bed etc. Not anymore. Stop thanking him.

DH and I share tasks. We both know what needs to be done, what happens at what time of day, what the children are doing and what they'll need next. We communicate well so if I plan on taking the kids for a walk or doing some meal prep at 5pm, I'll tell him and he knows what that takes. I seriously don't understand how some parents don't know how to prepare their family to go for a walk. I've seen Dads standing around doing nothing while their partners wrangle 3 kids into wellies and coats. OP is your husband involved a lot or does he sit in front of the tv or on his phone? Perhaps write up a list of everything that needs to be done in the evening and write what you want to do, he can do the rest. Don't keep thanking him for doing things that benefit the whole family. If he makes you a cup of tea or says he'll do a task for you that he knows you hate, maybe thank him but if he's expecting a thank you, dismiss it.

I wouldn't tolerate the 'helping' line or the other one 'I've done the ( whatever) for you from teenage son's let alone a husband!
I remember blasting my son when he was about 16 after I had been away for the weekend for saying 'mum, I've hoovered up for you'
That may sound bad as he was trying to help but I had to nip this shit in the bud. I asked him why he had done it for me? Didn't he stand on the carpet? Didn't he live in the house? Since the answer was, yes he lives in the house and he stands on carpet that needs hoovering he hoovered because he is part of the household, not as a treat for me!
I suggest you say something similar to your DH

We thank each other for doing jobs like remaking the bed, cooking supper (and thank the kids who cook at least once a week), unloading the dishwasher, etc. However, there is no expectation of a thanks we consider it well mannered.

The problem here though seems to be that she doesn't get thanked for bathing their children, but he expects to be, because he considers it a favour to her.

When my son lived at home he would just do what needed doing, he didn't ask what needed doing nor did he expect thanks. We both worked and as he was brought up not to view me as the house maid it didn't occur to him not to get on and do things around the house. When I got home I'd give him a kiss and tell him he was an angel for doing all of the things he did but he didn't expect any thanks - he just viewed it as a joint venture.
When he had left home after uni and I got married it was a completely different story, suddenly I had a man around the house who was not only earning considerably less than me but didn't lift a finger around the house and garden and left me to do all of the house admin whilst working full time and being the main earner.
He had an unbelievable sense of entitlement that his free time was his own and women were obviously there to run around after him.
That didn't end well I can tell you. i haven't lived with a man since.

That is a strange dynamic and it sounds like you're not happy about it. Just have a chat to him about how you feel.

It sticks in my mind, many years ago when the children were small another Mum telling me how if her partner cooked some mince and shoved in a jar of sauce it was to be praised and savoured by all.

After all, he was helping.

The posters saying about how it's normal for them to thank each other - this is only going one way in this case!

I'd sit him down and say that you appreciate what he does already, but he needs to help with the mental load of thinking what needs doing and to start treating it as his responsibility as much as yours, rather than something he's doing as a favour to you. Also, thanking you for what you do would be good.

He's basically acting like a kid getting cookies off mummy for being a good little helper - not sexy.

This is what men do OP.

This morning DH asked me if I thought he'd done a really great job of tidying the kitchen after dinner last night.

I responded by asking him what he thought of the latest batch of laundry I'd done.

We also had an issue with the vacuum cleaner this week. I wanted to see if I could get it repaired, but before I'd had a chance to look into it he'd ordered a replacement online.

When it was delivered, he said "Here's your new vacuum cleaner"!

FFS! We have a cleaner, neither of us does much vacuuming!

DH even had the cheek once to insist he'd been sharing the 'mental load' because he remembered that we needed to pay a bill.

@BigFatLiar

If he simply stepped in and did stuff without asking would you be annoyed with him if the things he did weren't what you felt needed doing?

I am a guilty of this but more because he'll eg decide to paint the hallway which means I can't really have access to most parts of the house.

He gets annoyed with me, because I should appreciate him being an equal partner at home (which he is) due to all the lazy so and so's regularly mentioned on MN who do nothing and think they are doing you a favour if they take their coffee cup to the sink.

But sometimes it is annoying if someone starts a job and you actually just want to relax or use that space!

I couldn't get uptight about "helping". Is the stuff that needs to be done, getting done?

If you want it done, then you need to tell him.

When our kids were little they used to have chore charts and when they completed a task they got stars and 'family points' which (vaguely!) translated into rewards of sweets/ small toys etc at the weekend.

If DH ever tries to pull this "I helped you by doing this" lark I just treat him like a toddler and say "well done, have a family point" I think he's getting the message, although he will still do things like say, "I'm popping down to Morrisons, do we NEED anything?" and I just stop short of shouting "I have no F*ing idea - why don't you check the shopping list board or the fridge?" [like I would have to do to answer your question...]

Nip it in the bud OP... all this 'helping' baloney!

We always have thanked each other for whatever the other had done. always. Courtesy, appreciation and respect.

I remember blasting my son when he was about 16 after I had been away for the weekend for saying 'mum, I've hoovered up for you

But it was for you. He probably didn't care whether it was done or not. And that's the thing I think. Hence why I said in my post above does it need doing or do you want it doing. There is a difference.

Washing needs doing, loos need cleaning, bins need putting out.

Carpets can live without being hoovered for a bit.

Windowsills can live without being dusted for a bit,

I often think peoples' priorities are very different.

Can he not see what needs to be done?
Or does he prefer to hover, not bother using his head to see what needs doing, then needs direction, and finally thanks.

YANBU.

That would piss me off.

We are very quick to thank each other, but I do not thank my husband for being a parenting father to his children.

You need to tell him to stop waiting to be assigned tasks and just get on with it.

I had this so for a month I told DH everything I did whenever I did it: "I've just wiped down the kitchen counters" "while I was showering I scrubbed the limescale off the bath tap" etc etc. He soon shut up about telling me what he'd done.

@Aquamarine1029

Have you not told him that you don't need a "helper?" You need an equal partner, and one who doesn't need to ask what they can do because it's fucking obvious. A child asks what they can "help" with, a normal, functioning adult should not need instructions. That's what I would be telling him. You have a voice, use it.

Well said.

This.

My DH also "helps". It's as if he can't see what needs done but if I'm doing something he'll come and "help". What I really want to do is say " oh, you're doing this now, great, I'll get on with one of the other million boring jobs that need to be done". In fact, that's what I'll say next time.