DH always “helping”

[Cavaleer]

I’m getting very pissed off with my DH. I’m prepared to be told I’m BU but I want others opinions and to know if your partner does this. We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”. Is it “helping”? Isn’t it just “doing”? We’re then in the position where it’s me doing and him helping. So I’m then having to say “thanks” for whatever it is that he’s done. Because he’s “helped”. I don’t get thanked. It’s my norm. I just have to crack on. So if he says “what can I help with” and I’m “can you get the kids in the bath” it’s then expected me to “thanks for bathing them tonight” “thanks for loading the dishwasher” “thanks for cleaning their shoes” etc etc etc
Is this normal?
It feels like I’m the bog standard employee and he’s the overseer jumping in when things are proving busy to help “ease the load” and as such I’m then to appreciate that. It just feels like a fucked up dynamic and I want to know how other people do this in normal relationships please?

There's a difference between thanking each other during the day for doing kind things (which I think is important for a good relationship), and expecting thanks and praise for doing ordinary jobs.

On Friday I had a long (essential) drive in the afternoon. I thanked DH for checking the tyres before I left and for the nice dinner waiting when I returned. I did not thank him for collecting youngest DC from school, washing the uniforms or any other household chores that may have been done while I was away.

In this house whenever DH decides to 'announce' a completed task, he is likely to receive a standing ovation or sarcastic teen comment along the lines of 'Hold the front page! Man empties dishwasher!!' Usually puts him back in his place

My Ex DP was the same always made it sound like he was doing me a great favour . As if I alone had dirtied the clothes , filled the rubbish bin or used all the plates and cutlery .
He even used to refer to looking after our son as babysitting when I went out for the evening with friends.

I have said to mine in the past 'aye very good. Do you want a blue peter badge?'

We both work full time (different working hours though) and over the years have fallen into doing what we are better at.
Eg- He does all the shopping, menu planning and cooking, I do most of the cleaning and washing. We have been together 20 years though, it wasn't as easy to start with!

Weve got 3 DC (1, 6 and 11) all boys.
Since lockdown DH and I have adopted a new routine as hes WFH.
One night I bath the baby, give him his bottle and put him to bed then get the other two motivated to wash and get ready for bed. Meanwhile he loads the dishwasher, tidies the living room and runs the hoover round.
Then the next night we swop.
This works perfectly as it gives us both a break from the kids/housework.
Generally; as a SAHM, I do everything else. Washing/ironing - changing beds - cleaning bathroom/loo ect.

DH also asks what he can do to "help" but he knows I'm thankful and I don't have to say it every time. The fact your DH wants recognition for every menial little thing he does is a bit silly 🤷‍♀️
I agree with above posts that you need to let him know what his responsibilities are around the house.

It’s a man thing, a thank you here and there for whatever he’s done is really no big deal is it. He works you don’t, do you say thank you every time he pays a bill etc. As long as I got my partner to do things I’d say this you all still long.

Anytime any DP tells you they've done something stand up and give a round of applause! 👏👏Maybe throw in a few whistles and whoops too

It's a bit the other way in our house. I do the lions share of the housework. DH does the lions share of the cooking. We each sort one child at bedtime. He thanks me constantly for 'everything I do for our family' and I hate it. I don't need (or want) his thanks. When he does a cleaning chore he doesn't flaunt it or fish for a thank you. Probably because early on in our marriage he did one time fish for one and I bluntly asked him if he was expecting me to give him a blue Peter badge every time he contributed something towards the family home that he also lives in? He didn't do it again.

Me and DH can both be a bit like this. We have found what works is to give direct instructions on some things and we talk about a list of stuff that needs to be done and split it up between us and go off and do it. We don't need to thank each other, we're in it together.

Well he's one step up from my DH who doesn't even ask how he can help. To be fair he does do bedtime more often than me but that's about it. I do everything else and if I ask him to do something he either gets defensive or says he can't because he's busy. I've been accused of 'project creep' because he was e.g. going outside with his shoes on to take something to the shed and I handed him something for the bin on his way out. He has many good points but I would truly choose differently if I had my time again.

"project creep" The cheeky sod.