Page 7 | DH always “helping”

Cavaleer · 2020-12-11T15:18:31+00:00

I’m getting very pissed off with my DH. I’m prepared to be told I’m BU but I want others opinions and to know if your partner does this. We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”. Is it “helping”? Isn’t it just “doing”? We’re then in the position where it’s me doing and him helping. So I’m then having to say “thanks” for whatever it is that he’s done. Because he’s “helped”. I don’t get thanked. It’s my norm. I just have to crack on. So if he says “what can I help with” and I’m “can you get the kids in the bath” it’s then expected me to “thanks for bathing them tonight” “thanks for loading the dishwasher” “thanks for cleaning their shoes” etc etc etc Is this normal? It feels like I’m the bog standard employee and he’s the overseer jumping in when things are proving busy to help “ease the load” and as such I’m then to appreciate that. It just feels like a fucked up dynamic and I want to know how other people do this in normal relationships please?

Jellyrunner · 12/12/2020 19:53

I think the issue here OP is the burden of the mental load. Your OH doesn’t see the massive list of things to be done, he doesn’t keep tabs on the household cleaning, the chores, the school uniforms and packed lunches.so you have it all in your head and get on with it. He doesn’t have it in his so he has to ask. You are actually the manager of the household and the labourer. You are doing several people jobs. I find it bloody frustratingly myself, but it’s not uncommon. My OH isn’t bad in some areas but in others I don’t think he realises the stuff I do ( we both work full time, but as an example I don’t think he has ever thought of paying the nursery fees, yet we both get the invoice and have the bill on the app) I am sometimes tempted to one month just not organise a few bits and pieces and see what happens. Your OH should see everything as much as his responsibility as yours and look ahead to what needs doing. I couldn’t see whether you work as well or not, that would change things a little. However in my opinion it only changes things during normal working hours when yes ( if you work in the home) you are responsible for everything in that time and should get on with it. But out of working hours and weekends both parents should be carrying out the ‘chores’ and you shouldn’t have to tell him what’s what. Maybe sit down and write a list of all the crap that needs doing and dividing it up. I understand and feel for you. Your other job is to make sure your children grow up to see this division of labour, that way they won’t make the same mistakes OH is. When it comes to saying thanks, we do say thank you. But not for something OH has done just because he asked me if he could help, he shouldn’t have to ask you what needs to be done. Good luck, have a chat with him and let him know the load that you have and let him know it is his too.

tommyhoundmum · 12/12/2020 19:54

YANBU

KatharinaRosalie · 12/12/2020 19:57

pobble did I get this right, your parents are doing the childcare while the father of those children is at home sleeping and doing nothing, and you are doing the childcare after working the full day, while he is still there doing nothing? And not even being thankful for all that you do.

What does he think he is bringing to the relationship?

BrownbearK · 12/12/2020 19:58

Instead of painting all men misogynistic and sexist have you actually considered he holds you in such high regard that he sees you as the leader of the family? The main person who makes the household tick and makes the house a home? The sole reason your family is as whole as it is? Have you considered he actually knows how much you do and maybe you have an order or a certain way you do things? He asks because he doesn’t want to mess up. Does he ask you for thanks or does he tell you what he’s done to make sure he’s done it properly and to your standards? He asks “how can I help” because he knows you do everything and doesn’t want to mess up. My DP literally does everything at home and for our 2 DC while I work. I will always ask how i can help or what i can do as I don’t want to mess up all the work my DP does as it only has to get done again properly. With regards to thanking each other we always thank each other for everything! Washing up, putting clothes in the dryer, changing DS etc.

Morgysmum · 12/12/2020 20:00

Omg, I wish my partner helped. He seems to think that he doesn't have to lift a finger, because he works full time. Sure he helps out occasionally. Like I do 95% he does 5. Which is generous to him. He does wash up, but then goes on about how he washed up, like he wants a blue Peter badge. It annoys me but its better than me having to wash up every day. He occasionally cooks, but then I get asked every 5 minutes, if something is cooked. I get its annoying, we don't get thanks, but it's nice he offers to help, my guy doesn't even ask to help, he does it once a blue moon, when the plants have a lined. I asked him the other night, can he get our son, off the computer for a bath, he said no, my son is 13 all he had to do, was tell him to come off and run a bath. How is that hard. 🤷‍♀️

Wearywithteens · 12/12/2020 20:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Sixtonskip · 12/12/2020 20:05

My DH regularly asks me for a to do list. I don't mind because I know what needs doing when and he easily does his fair share of housework/childcare. I occasionally thank him for what he's done, he occasionally thanks me for the fact that I bear the mental load. It works for us. Just stop thanking him and see what happens. If he mentions it then tell him all the things you've done today and ask him to thank you for each of them!

chrissycarol · 12/12/2020 20:07

Yes. Watch out OP.
I split with my man child husband. He frequently presents doing an 1/8 of his parental duty as 'giving me a break'. Boils my piss!

If I'd have mt time ago, I'd nip it in the bud sharpish.

ContessaDiPulpo · 12/12/2020 20:10

We played a game today - every time one of us did a domestic task, we had to inform the other 'Just so you know, dear, I've done X'. DH tired of it before I did - hell it was fun

KorumamaT · 12/12/2020 20:19

I thank my husband all the time for doing all the things I do without anyone noticing!
Mostly I don’t mind, it boosts his confidence, esteem etc....
I can’t help thinking it would be nice if they return the gratitude.
Sometimes I loose my shizzle and snap, in a not very age appropriate fashion, and tell everyone (3 kids/hubs) that they could consider thanking me occasionally as I am not an invisible maid!
Just chat to him about it, maybe put a routine on the fridge or cupboard or post it under the guise of being for the kids.... but really for him?!? 🤷‍♀️
Good luck!

MrsClatterbuck · 12/12/2020 20:25

@Simplyunacceptable

My DH does this too, it’s never actually dawned on me before but he’s definitely guilty of offering his ‘help’. You’re right, they should just do it anyway.

My DH does the whole ‘so I fed toddler, cleaned up after him and washed breakfast dishes up too’ as if I’m supposed to thank him or be impressed in some way.

Could you try pointing out he is not helping he is just being a parent to HIS children.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 12/12/2020 20:28

Just stop saying thank you. Simples

user1472151176 · 12/12/2020 20:32

Definitely not normal to me. My husband does sweet FA. Even when I ask for help. I work and do everything in the house including looking after our young school children. He works 9-5.

LittleBearPad · 12/12/2020 20:50

@BrownbearK

Instead of painting all men misogynistic and sexist have you actually considered he holds you in such high regard that he sees you as the leader of the family? The main person who makes the household tick and makes the house a home? The sole reason your family is as whole as it is? Have you considered he actually knows how much you do and maybe you have an order or a certain way you do things? He asks because he doesn’t want to mess up. Does he ask you for thanks or does he tell you what he’s done to make sure he’s done it properly and to your standards? He asks “how can I help” because he knows you do everything and doesn’t want to mess up. My DP literally does everything at home and for our 2 DC while I work. I will always ask how i can help or what i can do as I don’t want to mess up all the work my DP does as it only has to get done again properly. With regards to thanking each other we always thank each other for everything! Washing up, putting clothes in the dryer, changing DS etc.

I imagine your husband is thoroughly fed up with your pretty feeble efforts. I would be, you are being just as pathetic as the OP’s husband.

FelicisNox · 12/12/2020 20:59

If he actually expects to be thanked this is a pattern you've enabled so this is a monster of your own creation, in which case yes, YABU.

You also have a really involved DH and you're still moaning over semantics so you might want to think on that.

TBH he is helping you, it's called teamwork. Men follow our lead at home because they generally lack confidence and saying thank you to each other should be the norm. If he is not saying thank you to you just stop saying it to him and if he comments on it just say: fair point but riddle me this..... do you always say thanks to me? I'll give you a clue, the answer is no so what do you propose we do about this imbalance?

There is also the fact that most men are overgrown kids emotionally and they get their self esteem from being appreciated by us so whilst it's irritating it's also quite endearing. I guess it's about perspective.

FelicisNox · 12/12/2020 21:05

@LittleBearPad that was thoroughly bitchy and you've displayed an embarrassingly transparent lack of understanding of human nature...... the only feeble person on this thread is you because if the best response you can muster is a insult (and a crap one at that) you really need a word with yourself.

Do yourself a favour, stay in your own lane.

Rosebel · 12/12/2020 21:05

I hate it when my husband asks what he can do to help or says just ask and I'll help. Surely it's obvious what needs doing? I don't ask him what I can do to help, I just get on with it.
I don't thank him for doing stuff though. He doesn't thank me for the five million things I do

G5000 · 12/12/2020 21:06

Men follow our lead at home because they generally lack confidence. There is also the fact that most men are overgrown kids emotionally

Aww the poor helpless darlings, can't expect much from this extra big baby, just bumbling around there, trying to be mildly useful.
mm, sexy..

nuitdesetoiles · 12/12/2020 21:26

YANBU, you need to have a read up about the mental load. Unfortunately women are their own worst enemies when maintaining patriarchal stereotypes. I stepped down as project manager of my family some time ago, most project managers do just that, manage the project. Whereas women by holding everything that needs to be fine in their heads AND doing most of the graft are therefore doing both.

Huge rows about it in this house but necessary, he needs to know about the non uniform days, the payments and equipment for various school things, the uniforms for various activities and the transport to said activities. He sorts out cards, presents etc for his extended family, I do mine. If his mum misses out on a card because he's "forgotten" it's his responsibility. However she never does anymore, no reminders from me. He uses his adult brain to plan and coordinate.

We do thank each other for cooking nice meals as we're both really good cooks and make loads of effort. But I'm not gonna thank him for folding up a laundry load!!

LittleBearPad · 12/12/2020 21:30

[quote FelicisNox]@LittleBearPad that was thoroughly bitchy and you've displayed an embarrassingly transparent lack of understanding of human nature...... the only feeble person on this thread is you because if the best response you can muster is a insult (and a crap one at that) you really need a word with yourself.

Do yourself a favour, stay in your own lane.[/quote]
Oh naff off. That poster is being as feeble to the SAHP in her case her husband as the OP’s husband.

Fudgemonkeys · 12/12/2020 21:34

I always thank my hubby for doing anything as I feel if he didn't then I would have to and he's saved me my part of that particular job. In his defence he says I don't need to but that's how I'm made. He on the other hand never thanks me for anything which tbf does hack me off.

AllAboutHallowsEve · 12/12/2020 21:37

Your post OP reminded me of this excellent comic strip on wifework that featured in The Guardian

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

nicoleneverbotheredmeanyway · 12/12/2020 21:38

Hopefully someone has shared this already but just in case...
english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Talk About Mental Loan with your Husbands and Sons. This is our Votes for Women.

grandageorge · 13/12/2020 08:47

I don't expect a thankyou, but I am not sitting on my arse doing nothing, it lets dw know to mentally tick it off her list and acknowledges that she is in charge of allocating chores. I get the heavy lifting, cuddles and high reaching!

Cyw2018 · 13/12/2020 09:39

@grandageorge

I don't expect a thankyou, but I am not sitting on my arse doing nothing, it lets dw know to mentally tick it off her list and acknowledges that she is in charge of allocating chores. I get the heavy lifting, cuddles and high reaching!

*@grandageorge* I think you could benefit on reflecting on what you have just written....

"Tick it off her list*"
"She is in charge of allocating chores* "

So she carries all the mental load then! Have you asked her in a calm open manner how she feels about this?