DH always “helping”

[Cavaleer]

I’m getting very pissed off with my DH. I’m prepared to be told I’m BU but I want others opinions and to know if your partner does this. We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”. Is it “helping”? Isn’t it just “doing”? We’re then in the position where it’s me doing and him helping. So I’m then having to say “thanks” for whatever it is that he’s done. Because he’s “helped”. I don’t get thanked. It’s my norm. I just have to crack on. So if he says “what can I help with” and I’m “can you get the kids in the bath” it’s then expected me to “thanks for bathing them tonight” “thanks for loading the dishwasher” “thanks for cleaning their shoes” etc etc etc
Is this normal?
It feels like I’m the bog standard employee and he’s the overseer jumping in when things are proving busy to help “ease the load” and as such I’m then to appreciate that. It just feels like a fucked up dynamic and I want to know how other people do this in normal relationships please?

Id say " You can do the potatoes" (or what ever) that way he is not " helping" he is doing... and you don't need to thank him.

Dh went through a phase of telling me he had done the dishes " for me" I repaid in-kind and told him everything I had done " for him" for a week he stopped..

Or say " The potatoes needs doing" A schedule also works well

It’s funny how men run the world but they can’t figure out how to empty a dishwasher without a manager to delegate the task, supervise its execution and provide an evaluation at the end.

It’s a mystery 🙄🙄

My DH does a lot but depending on what mood I’m in if he says ‘I’ve done X to help you’ I do lecture him/lose my shit a bit.

@TallTowerFan

This may sound strange but we thank each other for doing things all of the time. Perhaps he just needs to reciprocate to even this out.

This. We do this too, it's just showing appreciation to each other.

My husband might say "I've put the bins out" but it's more like he's ticking off a list in his head. Dinner, clearing up, bins out, child ready for school tomorrow, relax! I rarely thank him for routine stuff, but we both try to show some appreciation for things the other does. He's never thanked me for cleaning the loo, but he will thank me for mowing the lawn. I'll thank him foe checking the oil in my car. That sort of thing.

@TallTowerFan

This may sound strange but we thank each other for doing things all of the time. Perhaps he just needs to reciprocate to even this out.

We do too. To us it’s very much part of a loving and respectful marriage. It’s important to be a team and show gratitude.

Not RTFT but I do think language can be very revealing. Basically the assumption is that these are your jobs. You own them and if he does them, it is considered helping.

If I were you I would sit down and explain why the jobs are both your responsibility and the draw up a plan.

Have a word with him and split up chores. If he doesn't do them to your standard don't tell him off. People have different standards and its not necessarily incompetence. OH had his flat before we married it was never spotless (apart from the kitchen) but suited him. He wore his clothes and put them in a wash pile in the corner of the back room and when he was running out of clothes bagged them up and went to the laundrette and the cycle continued. He hovered when he felt it was needed and dusted occasionally.

Try saying "thanks for letting me know" when he tells you he has accomplished X task instead of thanking him for doing it.

It's not a magic fix but it helps I think.

If you want it done, then you need to tell him.

Why @cologne4711?
Do You mean that this grown up man doesn’t know a child needs to have a bath Or that he shouldn’t be expected to it wo a prompt (after all it’s not his job right?).

Personally I find that unacceptable from a father and I wouldn’t tell him to do A or B. I would expect and demand it.

Btw @Cavaleer, one way to re establish balance is for each person to have a clear role. It could be your DH is. ALWAYS doing bath time/shopping/cleaning the kitchen.

Then sit back and do NOT do some of it or help.

Rather than you organising as well as doing and him "helping" why not sit down and have a discussion on how you'll do all the jobs. Write out a rota and do it. Then he won't have to keep asking you and you'll be more equal.

Me and my husband just thank each other all the time automatically - thinking about it it's actually really nice

Do You mean that this grown up man doesn’t know a child needs to have a bath Or that he shouldn’t be expected to it wo a prompt (after all it’s not his job right?).

I suspect he may be more concerned about giving said child a bath and it not being good enough, used the wrong pyjamas, too early etc In MN land a man doing something not how his partner wants it done will provoke calls of he's incompetent, he doing it deliberately. Perhaps he's expecting criticism and trying to block it (he should know better!)

Honestly OP, you need to start profiting from this.

Next time he pipes up offering help, say : 'Yes! The bathroom needs cleaning, floor needs mopping, skirting boards need scrubbing with a toothbrush, you need to find comparative quotes for new car insurance' etc etc until he fucking learns.

I told my partner that if we moved in together that he was never to ask me
"How can I help" or "what do you want me to do". Because it is bullshit, plain and simple. He can see what needs to be done, so just do it!
The asking crap is hopeful grab that you will say "oh nothing, it's fine, I'll do it". These men aren't as stupid as they crack on to be.

I have always instigated the "thank you" culture in relationships becausae I think its important to acknowledge when someone does something for the good of everyone in the home. So I expect thanks for cooking or cleaning or whatever and in return I do the same.

I also do the "bugger off, I cooked you wash up" thing which I have been told makes a relationship too transactional. Well maybe, but I have been married to a man who, the more I did, the less he did until I was doing it all and being utterly taken for granted. That was my first marriage and I have never made that mistake again. Sadly equality in relationships sometimes has to be something we demand rather than it being given automatically.

Could all the people posting that you thank each other all the time read the OP, where she is saying that she does not get thanked for same things?

We thank each other and both ask for and offer to help with various chores at times.

We have equal down time, but sometimes one of us is crazy busy with work so the other helps more.

I thank my dh for doing things and he thanks me, the difference is, he'll see when things need doing. So rather than asking if he can 'help' he'll see the washing up needs doing and just 'do it'

I'd say we do about 50/50 in the house.

Can you write out a list of chores, split them 50/50 and tell him there are 'his' chores and you'll help 'him by doing 50% of them.

Draw a list of all tasks and split them, set up a star chart for him too. What a wimp.

DP occasionally says "Shall I look after DS for you?" DS is both of our DS! How I laugh.

Haven’t RTFT but does he realise he’s phrasing it like this, and what that implies? My DH has a very annoying habit of kind of ignoring the way he says things and it’s just him trying to get a general message across. I often remind him that the actual words you choose to go in a sentence have meaning, and it’s not just a general gist. Like for example we will have agreed something (eg I’m going to bath DD while he cooks dinner) and then he’ll say ‘do you still want me to cook?’ which implies that maybe he doesn’t want to or perhaps he wants to swap jobs or something has changed. But he’s told me that he’s basically saying ‘I’m going to cook’ but will always phrase it as a question which then means I feel like I’m always telling him what to do. Ive asked him why he can’t just say “I’m going to start cooking now” and he claims it’s because what he says means the same thing but it doesn’t! Now I just ignore it.

On occasion DH says can I help? When it’s actually helping with something that’s not his responsibility he gets thanked. When it’s just pulling his weight in the house he gets a shirty look and now says it far less - just do don’t help!!