DH always “helping”

[Cavaleer]

I’m getting very pissed off with my DH. I’m prepared to be told I’m BU but I want others opinions and to know if your partner does this. We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”. Is it “helping”? Isn’t it just “doing”? We’re then in the position where it’s me doing and him helping. So I’m then having to say “thanks” for whatever it is that he’s done. Because he’s “helped”. I don’t get thanked. It’s my norm. I just have to crack on. So if he says “what can I help with” and I’m “can you get the kids in the bath” it’s then expected me to “thanks for bathing them tonight” “thanks for loading the dishwasher” “thanks for cleaning their shoes” etc etc etc
Is this normal?
It feels like I’m the bog standard employee and he’s the overseer jumping in when things are proving busy to help “ease the load” and as such I’m then to appreciate that. It just feels like a fucked up dynamic and I want to know how other people do this in normal relationships please?

Me and DH thank each other because if one person does a chore then the other person doesn't have to. But it has to go both ways. And he would never ask me what to do next because he's a fully functioning adult who's lived with kids for 7 years so he knows what to do!

@ArmchairCritics

Oooohhhh I so empathise with this, but I don’t know the answer. DH is actually a very involved parent who contributes a lot (when he’s actually at home, which isn’t often...) but will inform me when he’s filled the dishwasher/put DD2 down for a nap/hung out a load of washing with a sort of flourish which almost inevitably ends up with me thanking him. Where’s my thanks for everything else? I don’t think it’s necessarily THAT toxic, but may require a conversation with DH to reframe things... interested to see others’ responses...

My DH did this and then I started doing an exaggerated impression of it when I'd done things. Which really showed how ridiculous it was because I did so many little things as well as bigger things. I did it with good humour so it wasnt as passive aggressive as it sounds. He just obviously didnt realize how silly it was, until it was reflected back at him.

If DP's gone out of his way, or just made and handed me a cup of tea, then of course I say thanks.

If I'm cooking dinner, he asks what he can do, and I say can you bung on some chips, then if he reports back I'll probably just say "cool" - no need to thank, since that's just us working together to get tea done.

Can you just acknowledge that the task has been done rather than thank him, and therefore feel like he's done something that's really your responsibility as a favour?

Also, DP was given the choice of breakfast or bedtime when our second got old enough to go to bed on his own, and he picked bedtime - which is the easy one in this house - if he ever wanted a night off, just for laziness sake (ie. not if ill, or working late or similar), I only offered to swap a breakfast with him. I think it made him appreciate that the kids were his responsibility too a bit more (mind you, I'm still the one that got them in the bedtime routine that made bedtime the walk in a park it was, and he pretty much never read them a bedtime story, so it was still half-arsed on his part)

Perhaps he's asking what he can help with because he wants to take on some of the work but doesn't want to get in the way. Have a chat about splitting the tasks to make it easier.

You have all of the mental load. He has none. You are not BU. Show him this: www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Dp does this(on the very rare occasion he actually does anything).
I'm also supposed to be grateful for him looking after our son when I'm working as that's doing me a favour but apparently when he's at work and ds is with me then that's different.

No way I wouldn't be having that! Asking what he can do to "help" would drive me mad.

The only thing that we thank each other for is dinner. Can't imagine thanking DH for doing the dishwasher and if he described it as helping then I'd probably get quite pissed off and make it crystal clear that it is as much his responsibility as it is mine.

I would either talk to him about it and explain that these jobs are his responsibility too and you shouldn't be thanking him for doing them. Or I would start making comments every time he asked what he could do to help, something like "why, who are you helping?". And stop thanking him FGS, by thanking him you are just re-enforcing the idea that the drudgery is your responsibility.

It's the same thing over and over in here. Just bloody speak to him and sort it out.

You need a bit of routine and set responsibilities. DH and I alternate bedtime for example, which works really well as we both get the bedtime story bits with the kids (bonding) and we both get a break at 7 for half the evenings.
I mostly make the dc meals and he mostly makes ours (he's a fancy cook whereas I like to prep simple stuff).
Obviously we're not rigid about it, but in general having a routine of responsibilities helps us avoid unnecessary tiring negotiation and discussion. we just get on with it.

Ask him, "do you live here" and "are these your children".

When he says, "yes", reply with, "your not 'helping' then are you, merely doing because it is your responsibility as well as mine, seeing as you eat, drink, bath, wear clothes amongst other things in this place and are supposed to parent your own children".

I used to be similar to you, until I woke up one day and thought "hang on a minute, he fucking lives here too so why am I thanking him for washing up and emptying the bloody bins". We had it out, he does not refer to it as "helping me" or "doing so and so for me" any longer and I save my thanks for when they are deserved. You have to say something and say it strongly or nothing will change.

This makes my blood boil. I would murder him.

When my dh tells me about domestic tasks he's done I say "good"... I've never thought about why! Its probably better than thanking... When the kids (teens) tell me they've done the dishwasher/ washing/ bins I say "good boy/ girl" and pat them on the head like a puppy (which is sort of a running joke - two out of three are taller than me, but they always report in to be told they're a good offspring...)

It is not "helping", it is pulling his weight. Many years ago I saw a wise post here suggesting A List. It worked WONDERS for my marriage.
Write down ALL jobs that need to be done in the evening, take your time and be detailed. Sit with dh and the list and divide up the jobs. Simply "x, y, z needs to be done every evening, which do you want to do?"
No "I need help, I am tired, I can't do it all" etc. No emotion, no guilt. Just very practical. Most important bit? STICK TO IT!
Honestly, it works extremely well.

I wouldn't thank him for doing basics to run his own house Do you thank him for getting himself dressed in the morning?

Definitely agree with others about assigning tasks.
If you cook, why can't he do homework and then get the kids in the bath?

Or maybe just sit on your bum and when your DH comes in ask him "how can I help?" "what's for dinner?" "do you need a hand with bedtime?"

Thiis would make me want to strangle him.

I’d ask him if these are his dcs. And if he really think parenting and cleaning is above Him.

Also - saying thank you is not a bad thing in itself. However, "sorry" in the context you describe would really bother me too.

We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”.

Do you work FT out of the house? Whilst your DH works PT from home?

@ArmchairCritics

Oooohhhh I so empathise with this, but I don’t know the answer. DH is actually a very involved parent who contributes a lot (when he’s actually at home, which isn’t often...) but will inform me when he’s filled the dishwasher/put DD2 down for a nap/hung out a load of washing with a sort of flourish which almost inevitably ends up with me thanking him. Where’s my thanks for everything else? I don’t think it’s necessarily THAT toxic, but may require a conversation with DH to reframe things... interested to see others’ responses...

Me too....v supportive and engaged DH but bloody hell, he goes on about it.

OP, I have found that if I occasionally say thank you, it is appreciated and reciprocated. Maybe stop fighting this internally and give that a go. Of course if he just expects thanks and isn’t prepared to recognise your efforts then a different course of action is needed.

What do you mean, he expects to be thanked? Does he get arsey if you don't express gratitude? That would be awful. DP and I thank each other (every so often, not every day) but don't demand it.

Does he have any allocated chores? He should, if not.

However aside from those potential issues I wouldn't be bothered by an offer of help. When DP and I say "what can I help with" it's in the context of "none of my allocated chores urgently need doing, you look busy, what can I do to alleviate that right now".

My partner used to do this all the fucking time!!

He’s got hella lot better with ‘chores’ - we don’t have kids.

When he says ‘I’ve emptied the dishwasher’ instead of saying ‘thank you’ which he expects I say ‘it mounts up so quickly doesn’t it?’ Etc.

To be honest I got so frustrated with him I ended up being passive aggressive/confrontational/patronising ‘babe you need to go to specsavers’. ‘Why’ because you’ve just put the rubbish on top of a full bin, couldn’t you see it needed to be taken out?

Stop saying thank you. My partner did bring it up with me that I never say thank you then I listed all the things that I do without thanks.

I would respond along the lines of 'Have a look round, what do you think needs doing/what happen next EVERY day DH that you could do?' to teach independent thought and innitiative. This may bite you on the arse however as you then have to accept the way they do things!

@NoSquirrels

We have school aged kids. It’s full on. My eves are spent cooking/homework/housework/washing school clothes/bath/bed etc my DH (who works part time from home) always asks me “how can I help”.

Do you work FT out of the house? Whilst your DH works PT from home?

I thought this too.

Worse still is when they say "I did x for you" and get snarky if there is no thanks - I have before snapped back - well clearly its for us rather than just me, thank yourself but I have to have PMT to snap lol

I might be ripped apart for saying this, but if he's the only one pulling in a wage then I do kind of see it as him helping you with your role - IF it's done during times when you're normally doing it. Yes they're his kids (presumably) but if you've agreed to do the lion's share of domestic duties WHILST he is working then for him to come and do some of your role whilst he would normally be working, then to me, that's him helping you with 'your role'. Just like if you were to walk into his office and offer to do some of his work - you would be helping in his role

However I'm absolutely NOT saying that because he earns the money, that you must do everything. That's not what I mean. I'm talking SOLELY during his work hours