To not share money?

[Cakles2010]

I've live with DP and have one dc. We bought our own house this year (he fronted the deposit as I've never been able to save as a single parent) he earns about £15k more a year than me. We split the bills equally and I basically buy food shopping until I'm out of money which is usually not long after payday then he picks up the rest.

DP pays for any holidays and meals out (not frequent at the minute). He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint but I feel utterly fed up that I get to a point in the month I have 0 in bank account and feel I have to rely on DP. I also feel that I have to "borrow" money which I then pay him back for daily things.

So is this normal? We are not married (yet) I don't know if it's common to share money at this stage, I've been in two relationships and DS dad never worked and I was the one with money.

I think if this is not his child then it is fair that you and the father have to support them. I’m sorry. That he doesn’t do it, it doesn’t mean your new partner should though. He seems to be paying his way. Possibly slightly more as it seems you don’t buy much food.

I think you need to find a discipline to budget. Create one and stick to it. But asking him to pay more and effectively pay for your child becayse neither you or their father can, isn’t great.

I agree with Bluntness. Your DC own father should step up but if he doesn’t it’s still not your current partners responsibility. He probably sees that you’re not good with money and doesn’t want to share because of that. There are courses out there to help with money matters.

He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

Do you mean he doesn't buy your child a Christmas or birthday present? Does he take your child out to do things? Would he buy your son a snack/drink when they're out together?

@Butchyrestingface

He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

Do you mean he doesn't buy your child a Christmas or birthday present? Does he take your child out to do things? Would he buy your son a snack/drink when they're out together?

He doesn't buy anything for Xmas but does buy him a couple of birthday gifts but I do find it odd he says they are from him only where as I'd say all ds gifts were from both of us. Of course he would buy a snack or drink and regularly pays for meals etc if we go out.

He's not an utter Scrooge at all he's got a lot better as times gone on with sharing as well. Just interested to see others opinions on this as I go through stages of it really bothering me then thinking same as pp have said it's not his responsibility so why should he

I think you could do with addressing the "split bills equally" part.
The money he fronted for the deposit is his, so in my opinion if you sell - this would rightly come back to him. However, my husband and I split the bills based on the percentage we bring into the household. So if your OH bring in £15k more than you a year, the bills should be split to reflect this. For instance, I used to pay in 40% and my husband 60%. This allowed us to both have a similar disposable income once bills were accounted for. To note; we also included food shops, his children's 'CSA' payments into the mix, so anything at the end is free to spend, so to speak. We also include extra throughout the year for Christmas, so come December weve both paid into a pot for his children and both of our families. Yes, this means that I end up contributing to CSA etc but I'm happy to do that as were one household.
I recently swapped jobs and had a pay rise; so the percentages have changed again to reflect that.

The money he fronted for the house is kind of irrelevant in my opinion.

@CherrytreeView thank you I totally agree and I have always said this he worked hard to save that money so it's his. Never thought about a percentage maybe I'll bring this up after Xmas

Yes, this means that I end up contributing to CSA etc but I'm happy to do that as were one household

Firstly he already is, becayse the op says she buys food but runs out of money close to pay day, so he is feeding her ant her child foe the rest of the month. In addition if he wanted to pay for her child then he’d not be taking his current stance. He does buy gifts ans treats on top of feeding the child for most of the month,

The fact you want to pay to your partners kids is irrelevant. Many people feel it’s the parents responsibility to provide for their kids. And you’d be hard pushed to say this man isn’t already supporting this child, he basically feeds them, because neither parent is able.

Money is such a difficult subject (sigh). But it shouldn’t be. If two adults want to marry and one of them has a child, that child becomes (to my mind) a child of that family and marriage. It wouldn’t be acceptable to me to be in this sort of long-term relationship, about to be married, and to be asking for money for food.

Are you on the mortgage?

@Bluntness100 who said I don't feed my child I earn £15k less a year than my DP so by the time bills are paid then anything extra for ds (clothing, hobbies etc) my last of money goes on our food and I buy all ds pack lunch food separately so yes I feed my child however I run out of money quicker as DP earns more. How dare you insinuate I don't feed my child!! Can I add if I didn't live with DP my food bill would be astranomically lower as he eats like a fukin pig! So I am also feeding him as well as my child!

I might have thought this thread would turn more into a (your a shit parent because xyz rather than the bigger picture)

Ok take my ds out of the picture it isn't about him in happy to say he's my responsibility if I want to buy him lots of Xmas gifts, pay for hobbies etc etc that's down to me

Aibu to still be paying an equal split on everything if I earn £15k less a year?

Of course it shouldn’t be an equal split.

Honestly, I get so confused about some people think marriage is for.

@Bluntness100 he also doesn't buy gifts and treats monthly ds gets pocket money from me. He pays for meals out if we go for pub lunch etc I wouldn't class paying for a family meal a treat for a 9 year old

I don't think the money he fronted for the deposit is irrelevant as it allows you both to live there.
In our house this would be what we would do: Take out expenses for your son, as it should be you and the father paying these, then split the rest of the outgoings (bills, food shopping etc) half and half.

You need to reorganise the food shop so he pays his way. At the moment it really isn't clear if he buys most of the food because you run out quickly.

It isn't right that he contributes to food only when you've run out.

Look at the receipts, work out any food that only he eats, and divide the rest by two- I'm assuming you and your son between you eat about the same as him- but your son will start eating more.

He sounds as though he's a house mate with your DS rather than a family member with him. That's worth thinking about.

Why is food not taken as a joint expense? Especially if your partner costs a lot to feed. Otherwise you pay for your son and you and he pays for his own?

Money is difficult. Are you skint because you waste money or because you genuinely can't meet your financial contributions on your current set up. Is your house in joint names. You say you are hopeless with money. That isn't good whether you have only a ittle money or a lot. It can lead to problems. If you feel it's unfair then it's a problem.

You really should get your finances in order and not expect your partner to make up for your mistakes. You're buying things you don't need, you admit that yourself. That's money that could go towards you and your child instead.

Without him, you would still be renting, remember that. You've gained a lot because of him, you help out with the bills yes, but you're over spending on other stuff. Stop yourself from doing that and you'll probably find you have more money, can even save and not have to rely on your partner.

@picklemewalnuts thank you I've spoken to my best mate in confidence about this who says exactly the same that it's more a housemate relationship. Me and DS don't eat half as much if I'm honest. I'm not spending barely anything on food as pp have tried to suggest I spend roughly £250-£300 a month then him the rest. If I make meals I have to budget for recipes 4 + because he has huge portions. I don't see his bank balance (I wouldn't expect to btw) so I have no idea what his contribution is all I know is approx 1.5-2 weeks after I'm paid I'm left with no money

I don't think OP's told us enough to say she's taking advantage of her partner! He may be taking advantage of her, or it could be evens!

How long have you been together?

@CherrytreeView

The problem with that argument is that there are three people in the house. Realistically she should be paying 2/3s of the costs and if they are splitting it equally than he is actually paying 50% more.
I understand she is a child and may cost less but he will still be paying over the odds for her.
I think the OP needs to direct her anger at her DC father- He needs to be contributing to her upkeep.

So you pay £300 a month for food and he ‘takes over’? How far into the month is that?

And how did this arrangement evolve? When you moved in why wasn’t it set up more evenly?

Well that's no good then. Start keeping track of food and ask for his contribution every time.

We spend about £80 a week on four adults.

You should be paying for everything child related, including presents.

A mortgage contribution relative to either your share in the house (if you will get 50% of the sale then you should be paying 50%) or your salary (if you earn half what he does you should be paying a third).

You should be paying for yours and your childs food, water, gas, electricity usage. And internet, tv, council tax, tv licence, insurance, etc relative to your incomes.

It's not his child. You're not married. He shouldn't be subsidising you.

Sorry: 1.5-2 weeks? You eat £300 of food in two weeks for a family of 3? And then he pays for the following 2-3 weeks?

@picklemewalnuts we've been together 5 years we've had an argument in the past over this as I stupidly let him move in then instead of sitting down and splitting bills just let him pay £300 so I ended up in debt with bills etc. I got them paid off and the decision was when we moved he would be in charge of paying everything and I just transfer money.

I actually don't expect him to pay for ds I was just keen to see other people's thoughts on this so that doesn't get to me as much. It's the fact his earnings are quite a bit higher but he treats me as an equal with money

You actually need to go through all the monthly costs and calculate it properly so you're both paying your fair contributions.