To not share money?

[Cakles2010]

I've live with DP and have one dc. We bought our own house this year (he fronted the deposit as I've never been able to save as a single parent) he earns about £15k more a year than me. We split the bills equally and I basically buy food shopping until I'm out of money which is usually not long after payday then he picks up the rest.

DP pays for any holidays and meals out (not frequent at the minute). He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint but I feel utterly fed up that I get to a point in the month I have 0 in bank account and feel I have to rely on DP. I also feel that I have to "borrow" money which I then pay him back for daily things.

So is this normal? We are not married (yet) I don't know if it's common to share money at this stage, I've been in two relationships and DS dad never worked and I was the one with money.

Are you on the mortgage OP? You say you aren't on the deeds, and although you pay half each month are you officially named on the mortgage?

Actually what cocomarine says. A few years where you pay £300 a month.

Without him, you would still be renting, remember that. You've gained a lot because of him, you help out with the bills yes, but you're over spending on other stuff.

JFC. The last of the Victorians.

She is still renting in effect, just from her partner

Well it is, some couples decide to share and some couples decide to split. It’s a conversation the OP should have had with her partner before moving in with him but given his attitude towards her son she should have never moved in with him in the first place IMO!

I agree with that. But actually I don’t see people who split bills and income in a situation with children as a ‘family’ or ‘couple’ in any sense of the word. Not really.

@IndecentFeminist

She is still renting in effect, just from her partner

Indeed.

So do you split all of the bills 50-50, OP, or does he say you have to pay more because of your son?

If you lived alone, would you be better off?

If you left now then at 32 you're really not too old to start again and have another child. A lot of posters here didn't have their first child until they were older than that.

He sounds very selfish to me and I wouldn't think of marrying him. (I wouldn't think I could change him, either. If someone's tight they stay tight all through their life.)

She says right there on her op they split the bills equally. Apart from food, which isn’t very clear.

The part where you said he doesn't buy your child a Christmas present got me, what a tight-fisted and selfish waster.

what a tight-fisted and selfish waster.

Imagine this poor kid, sitting at a table with this bloke who doesn’t give a monkey’s about him, day in and day out.

@Cocomarine thank you for that post I've felt so shitty lately and your right xx

Btw, when my DH and I met we earned nearly exactly the same amount (no kids) bit owing to a variety of circumstances I had no savings, just debt, and he had a lot of savings.

When we started thinking about buying a house his parents gave him a substantial deposit.

We just bought as tenants in common so he owned 55% and me the rest.

After a few years we married, had kids and moved so now we’re joint tenants.

He was quite right that I was still paying the mortgage so of course I should own it. The only thing was I wanted his parents to feel comfortable thar their money was protected.

This is how decent men think. They want to be sensible but they aren’t looking to get everything they can.

My husband is very good looking, tall, fit etc. The most attractive quality is his kindness and generosity. I’ve never known someone with such a big heart.

Value yourself and you’ll learn to value the right things in others.

This man has taught you a lesson - learn from it and don’t make the same mistake again.

[quote Cakles2010]@Merryoldgoat unfortunately not we discussed me going on the deeds at some point but then COVID hit so never looked into it [/quote]
And here we have it....

OP this is incredibly important, and the reason so many of us asked you. You need to wise up fast. 💐

@Cakles2010
This is why it is better for women to marry. This man has treated you disgracefully. I don’t really get the self righteous people telling you to pay more.
I married a man when my son was small. I‘d been studying and on a very low income. He paid off my overdraft, paid the deposit on a house we bought jointly. Most importantly, he saw step parenting as a privilege. Within a year, I was earning more than him, but no one cared, it all went in one account.
30 years and 4 more kids later we are still together, through thick and thin with our love and respect for each other stronger than ever.
Relationships are not financial transactions, they are about being stronger together and wanting the best for each other. Your child is not some burden that you drag wIth you, they are a gift, but having a child does affect ones ability to earn and if he can’t see that, he doesn’t deserve you both.
I’m torn between suggesting that you try to have a properly open and honest exchange about your hopes and fears for the future, to see if you can enjoy a life together. Or suggesting that you see a solicitor, as you may have some claim on his house; and then tell him he has been exploiting you for long enough and that you will now be saving all your money in order to separate without causing too much disruption to your child.
Either way, best of luck, and please don’t beat yourself up about past choices, we can’t change the past, but we can learn from it.

[quote Cakles2010]@Merryoldgoat unfortunately not we discussed me going on the deeds at some point but then COVID hit so never looked into it [/quote]
I have been reading through from the beginning and was on the fence as the picture wasn’t clear to me. At first it seemed like he was making a good contribution, considering you run out of money shortly after payday and he picks up everything from that point plus all the holidays and days out. Having said that, I was concerned about the £300 he used to pay you that others have mentioned.

I am no longer on the fence. You were with him when you bought this house, I would have expected to have been on the deeds from day one and also to have had a good conversation about finances before doing anything, he could have always ring fenced his deposit in case of a split if he so wished.

When you say you split the bills, do you include the mortgage in that as well?

Ugh what an awful situation, I do feel like he has taken advantage of you to get himself on the property ladder

If you didn’t have a child and were married I’d say everything just goes in the pot, but you aren’t married and you have a child that isn’t his. You can’t expect him to pay for your child, that’s you and your child’s fathers job to do. It sounds to me like he’s already putting in more than you anyway and he’s funded a house deposit, I don’t think you can really complain over a Christmas present for your child. What more would you like him to do? Subsidise you further?

DinosaurGrrrrr

In a five year relationship with the intent to marry, it’s not ‘subsidising’; just a partnership. If people don’t want that, why do they do this?

You can get yourself out of this situation OP, so don't despair. Head for the forums on n moneysavingexpert, you will get excellent advice specific to your situation, help to improve it and learn a lot about how to manage your money along the way.

Good luck.

I think in this instance and equal split is far, because although he earns more you are bringing two peoples costs into the house whereas he only brings one. If you earn the same it would be fair for you to pay two thirds and him one third, but as you earn less 50:50 is far.

I really wish this was taught in schools because rarely a week goes by without someone posting about some kind of financial tension in a relationship.

Two steps:

1. Track it. Keep all receipts, everything that goes out by direct debit (utilities etc.), all household costs, childcare etc.. Total it every month.
2. Discuss with partner how to split total cost. Just have an open discussion about what share you each want to pay. Doesn't matter how other couples split it, but agree something.

Whatever's left is your personal money to do whatever you want with. Life really is too short to argue about something that can be agreed with communication and a bit of simple arithmetic.

@aprilx we split the mortgage payment but I'm not on either the mortgage or deeds ( we wouldn't have got a good rate with my past credit and DP has good credit)

I didn't want to mention this as feel I'll be blasted given I've already said I'm not great with money and yes historically I was in a right mess with debts but have managed to pay these off.

I've never thought of it in that way but now worry that he knew he couldn't buy a house alone therefore I'm along for the ride paying half the bills.

He deliberately chose not to put you on the deeds, while letting you pay half the mortgage. That doesn't happen by accident.

Wow.

Op, you can pay rent on your own place, you don’t need to live with him.

I never understand these threads, when a woman posts, as they do many many times, about moving in with her partner and splitting the bills fifty fifty and how she owns the house, and although she earns more, she keeps the split at fifty fifty as he has a kid ans she doesn’t, people always say, protect your asset and do not pay anything more than fifty fifty it’s his child. Always. One hundred percent of the time.

When a woman posts it’s “what a cunt, you’re being treated terribly, he should be paying more, you’re a family now”

It’s quite stark the contrast.

......suggesting that you see a solicitor, as you may have some claim on his house; and then tell him he has been exploiting you for long enough and that you will now be saving all your money in order to separate without causing too much disruption to your child

High risk strategy and probably the quickest way to make yourself homeless if the house is in his name, which the OP suggests it is, as I doubt he'll just sit there and do nothing while you stash your money away and let him pick up the tab for everything. I'd find somewhere to live first before provoking a free demonstration of how the front door works.

I think the fact you are not on the house title deeds or mortgage is very worrying. I think its wrong he expects you to pay towards a mortgage on a house you don't own. Ok in the short term but no good in the long term. You need to think carefully about things. Is marriage on the horizon. And would you want to marry him. Certainly don't get pregnant till all this is sorted out.