To not share money?

[Cakles2010]

I've live with DP and have one dc. We bought our own house this year (he fronted the deposit as I've never been able to save as a single parent) he earns about £15k more a year than me. We split the bills equally and I basically buy food shopping until I'm out of money which is usually not long after payday then he picks up the rest.

DP pays for any holidays and meals out (not frequent at the minute). He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint but I feel utterly fed up that I get to a point in the month I have 0 in bank account and feel I have to rely on DP. I also feel that I have to "borrow" money which I then pay him back for daily things.

So is this normal? We are not married (yet) I don't know if it's common to share money at this stage, I've been in two relationships and DS dad never worked and I was the one with money.

@Cakles2010 Look into opening a monzo bank account and use the debit card for everything, you will soon see where you're over spending, you can set monthly budgets too. Its brilliant.

When you say fronted the deposit, that's surely quite a substantial amount, are you named on the mortgage and the house? I think budgeting will help, that sounds like a lot is spend on food shopping for 3 people. Did you discuss any of this before moving in? If it was just the 2 of you then I agree a proportionate split is fair, but I think it's more complex than that. It sounds like he paid the deposit which is surely £10k+, and he doesnt see you go without.

£500 to £600 a month on food is a lot overall. You need to set a budget and bring it down. Both put £150 into a food kitty each month and then if runs out because he eats more he can top up.

I think this was always going to be difficult because there’s such a disparity between your salaries and you have a DC to consider.

Your DC is obviously your responsibility but I do think when you move in with someone who has children, you share the burden of that somewhat too. He didn’t have to move in with you or even date you, he knew you came with a child way before you got this far down the line. I’m not saying he should have to split the costs of your DC down the middle by any means but I don’t think you should be forced to skint yourself every month without him helping you a little.

The bill split shouldn’t be 50:50 either because you don’t earn the same amount. With a 50% split, he has much more disposable income than you do and that isn’t fair.

£300 a month for food for two adults and a child is ridiculous, maybe try Aldi...

It’s really impossible to say whether this situation is fair or not, without numbers.
I want to jump in and say it’s not fair - lower earner should have a lower share of bills, regardless whether they have a dependent child or not.

But... your posts are confusing and possibly misleading. He pays for holidays - obviously 2020 that might not be much! But could usually be a lot. And he takes over the food bill when you run out of money.

So I’m not quite ready to blame him yet.

You said on another thread that you have a household income of £65K so I guess that’s £40K + £25K. That’s a pretty good amount of income. About £4300 after tax / NI.

This is either about budgeting or fairness of bills, because as a couple you’re doing OK.

You need to have a word with yourself about why you got into debt when he was only paying £300 living with you. Tbh, I’d be querying why you’re even with a man who accepted that arrangement 🤷🏻‍♀️

@picklemewalnuts it's a tricky one because I do feel better off now but only because I got into so much debt with bills at my own house because he was paying so little. That's paid off now.

As an example in my old house he would take 15 minute showers and a bath each day. Now everything is thoroughly checked in terms of having heating on etc. That's my own daft fault though.

He paid you 300 in your home to cover everything and you are paying that on food alone + bills at his.

My but he's the cute one between you.
🙄

Now everything is thoroughly checked in terms of having heating on etc. That's my own daft fault though.

What does this mean?

And again, OP, are you on the mortgage?

Well what worked for my dp and i was he paid all bills and i paid for shopping.

So maybe you just buy the shopping and let your dp pay the bills.

Your dc should be at this stage be included by your dp .Hes living with them,has a duty of care towards them.I find it weird he doesnt buy them a Chrismas present.

How old is your dc @Cakles2010?

I asked a lot of questions trying to understand the dynamic. After some thought I've decided...

He's a disrespectful tightwad. He got you into debt and tells you you're rubbish with money. He lets you empty your bank account feeding him. His presents to your son are from him. The presents you buy are from both of you.

Does your friend, who said he's like a housemate rather than family, does she like him? Or is she pointing out concerns that you are ignoring?

Does your son like him?

Is he nice, fair, tolerant of your son?

If he's being stingy with water and heating, you have a bigger problem. Couldn't be with that kind of man. And I definitely wouldn't marry him.

Aibu to still be paying an equal split on everything if I earn £15k less a year?

But you don't pay an equal split do you. You said you run out of money quite soon after payday and he pays everything from then on. So even though you pay half of the bills, you don't pay half of the food bill despite the fact that there's two of you (you and ds) and only one of him (DP). In actual fact, he pays more.

Why on earth would you mention he doesn't pay for childcare? Of course he doesn't, it's not his child!! Really you should be paying two thirds of the bills as you have responsibility for two people and him only himself. You aren't married, it's not his child so the situation sounds fair to me. You should probably split food costs 2:1.

If, after 5 years together, during which time this man lived cheaply in your home and saved up a house deposit, he’s now measuring your bath water, I think you have a big problem and need to sit down and work out what the next few decades are going to look like.

I assume, when your child goes to uni, he’s not going to contribute?

I assume, if your car breaks down, you’re on your own in replacing it?

I assume, if you passed away, your child would go to a relative, not him?

You bought a house together without discussing finances?

How long did he live with you without paying his way?

Where did he live before? Sounds like he's built up savings by running you into debt.

Gosh sorry op, I was going on your op where you said you buy the food but run out of money soon after pay day and he then buys rhe food. I read this to read he was buying the food for both of you. If that’s not the case as it seems not then apologies.

Reading this all again. He is a selfish Scrooge who is looking after himself. What happened to your old house. Was it rented. I don't think you've got a very good deal here.

@flaviaritt yes everything you said would be correct sadly. Ds will have an inheritance when he is older but of course I will be contributing towards uni etc.

I expect to be on a higher salary in a few years as I'm just about to finish my CIPD and will be looking at other jobs. My current role suits at the minute as I have flex start times meaning I can drop ds off at school

As Bluntness said early on, it's not his dc and his father should be stepping up, if he's not it's still not his responsibility.

As for the bills, I think this needs addressing. If you are paying for half plus all the food, then this needs to be looked at. It's all very well saying he'll pay for meals out and holidays, but they are in short supply at the moment and you can choose not to do them if you're skint, or are trying to save for something. You can't choose not to buy food.

Id got 50/50 on food and split any holidays or eating out. That way, if you do want to save, you can choose not to go on holiday or eat out

I don’t really get how these situations arise. Honestly, you’re with someone who doesn’t value you enough to properly discuss and plan your finances.

If I were a single parent I wouldn’t be spending time with anyone who treated my child like that.

And what if you have children together? Your joint DC gets a ‘dad’ and your existing child gets to be a second class family member? Nope. Not for me.

I honestly think so many women are so terrified of being single they’ll put up with all manner of crap just to be in a relationship.

Your bills should be split proportionally, your child’s share or food and utilities shouldn’t come into it - it’s the cost of doing business.

It’s one thing when you’re dating but now you live together you’re surely supposed to be a family.

He lived off you, got you into debt in SPITE of him earning significantly more. You must have ‘mug’ stamped on your forehead.

Please at least confirm you own part of the property?

I'd say that if he earns more he should put more in percentage wise. But I'd also say you should put more in as you're paying for you and your child. So without knowing figures it's tricky, but I'd say as he's currently paying more overall (with the food money added in) then you have a good deal at the moment.

Ds dad should be paying in for him too.

If you're struggling, then cut out all unnecessary spending. What are the extras you are buying, and without them would you be able to cover your and your son's share?

@candyfloss even if he eats the majority should I skint myself more to keep his belly full?

I think in that situation I'd be best to keep everything completely seperate... I do find it quite strange seeing these responses I did expect people to say it's not his child but not that I should be paying more even though I earn less surely there would be no point in us being together if people think this

I am in the same postion, it seems 'our money' is held in a bank account I have no accsess to?

Is this normal?

yes everything you said would be correct sadly. Ds will have an inheritance when he is older but of course I will be contributing towards uni etc.

Then why are you even considering marrying him, OP? Do you love him? Do you think he loves you, when he doesn’t see your son as ‘his’ after five years and, if your son lost his mum, would withdraw his relationship from him?