To not share money?

[Cakles2010]

I've live with DP and have one dc. We bought our own house this year (he fronted the deposit as I've never been able to save as a single parent) he earns about £15k more a year than me. We split the bills equally and I basically buy food shopping until I'm out of money which is usually not long after payday then he picks up the rest.

DP pays for any holidays and meals out (not frequent at the minute). He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint but I feel utterly fed up that I get to a point in the month I have 0 in bank account and feel I have to rely on DP. I also feel that I have to "borrow" money which I then pay him back for daily things.

So is this normal? We are not married (yet) I don't know if it's common to share money at this stage, I've been in two relationships and DS dad never worked and I was the one with money.

he doesn't want us to pool together for birthday presents and would rather get his own.

And are you happy with this outcome for your son? Spending 5 years of his young life living with someone who doesn’t actually want to be a proper partner to his mum?

Not trying to be harsh, OP. But from your DS’s perspective this must be driving some insecurity?

And are you happy with this outcome for your son? Spending 5 years of his young life living with someone who doesn’t actually want to be a proper partner to his mum

Whoa, calm down, buying his own presents for the child in no way says her son is being forced to live five years of his young life with a man who doesn’t want to be a proper partner to his mother,

What an awful thing to write. 😱

Whoa, calm down, buying his own presents for the child in no way says her son is being forced to live five years of his young life with a man who doesn’t want to be a proper partner to his mother,

It’s not even slightly awful. Everything the OP has said points to this conclusion. They are not a committed couple. That can’t be fair on her son.

This sounds like financial abuse.

Flavia that’s just awful. I actually can’t believe you’re writing that to the op, in no way would this make her child insecure, all he sees is him getting some gifts from her mothers partner. I’d request my posts are deleted, I’m actually really shocked anyone would say such a thing.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

And if my partner earned significantly less than me then I’d want them to have the same quality of life

The OP has moved into his home and only has to pay half the bills so surely is benefiting greatly as before she would have had 100% of her bills to pay. He gets someone to help with bills but his house is now shared with two others meaning less space, freedom etc.

She’s paying half the mortgage too, pays MORE for food than him, earns less and has no claim on the house.

@flaviaritt

we split the mortgage payment but I'm not on either the mortgage or deeds ( we wouldn't have got a good rate with my past credit and DP has good credit)

But he could put you on the deeds now. He won’t, though, will he?

Well to be fair, no he can’t just “put her on the deeds”. He would need the permission of the mortgagor, as they have an interest in the house. That asset is their security against the loan. It’s very unusual for a mortgage company to allow it - it’s just not in their interests at all.

So to put her on the deeds, they’d need to remortgage jointly - and there was a reason they didn’t in the first place! (his self interest being part of that, I’m sure, although it’s conjecture)

I’m not going to request it is deleted. This situation doesn’t sound like a committed relationship. I’m telling the OP what I think and I was not unkind. If you don’t like it, report it, but it wasn’t against guidelines. Sorry!

@flaviaritt I agree and I don't feel it's normal I'm quite ashamed now ive wrote it down I've allowed it to happen....I'm struggling tonight to behave as normal I've blurted out a load of nonsense and now left him confused and he's upset thinking I just want to leave.

He wants us to have a proper conversation about it but has agreed that we should put money in a separate account for food so it's equally shared...he got upset saying he didn't know I felt like this...I don't know what to think of it as I'm obviously without money each month which he is aware of

I’m glad he’s open to a chat, OP. Don’t feel ashamed (this sort of situation evolves - it’s not your fault). But do address it.

Op, how much does an equal split of the food actually help you financially?

And would you be worse off if you left?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy_choices/4100062-need-help-feeling-lost

This is OPs post from a few days ago.

I’m not trying to
Invade your privacy but @Bluntness100 I think this gives an insight into what it might actually be like for OP’s DS.

It sounds like a man who isn’t ready to share his life with a child and if that’s the case it’s not a jump to think OP’s DS might not be feeling very happy.

OP said earlier that her young child certainly doesn’t think of her partner has his father. Reading between the lines I expect her DS feels the lack of interest.

Sadly you've had a child with a sexist pig.

He doesn't pay for his child. Don't have anymore with him and start saving. It has to start sometime.

Sorry, I missed your DP isn't your child's dad. He is still not very nice.

OP, do you feel that you could say to your OP "I'm upset because I spend an equal amount living here, despite not being on the deeds and earning £15k per year less than you. On top of that, I have the extra expense of a child. When you lived with me, you were able to save because you only paid £300 per month. That's less than our food bill. You didn't contribute to rent and bills. You watched me struggle and get into debt. Now it's your turn to support me, so that I too can have a cushion and not be skint every month. I'm taking researching budgeting and money managing so that I spend my money more wisely. I propose that to balance up our situation, I pay a total of £600 into the household each month, plus food for my son and anything he needs. That's double of what you paid me. We can do this for 1 year and then review. Does that work for you?"
If you don't feel strong or brave enough to say it, write it down and hand it to him.
Then, make sure you don't fritter away the money. Save. Save. Save. For your rainy day and escape if needs be.
I actually think he will respect and value you 100% more if you say this and stick to it.

Sending you the biggest hug

So. You lived alone with DS. I imagine you got top up benefits.
You did ok financially.

You don't mention DS Dad. That's ok. I don't mention mine. And I get no money from him.

So then you meet DP. It gets a bit more serious. He moved in and is a cocklodger. He costs you more than he pays. You love him. You get into debt. You feel you owe him for rescuing you ans DS because you were lonely before him.

He puts you down. Belittles your financial savvy. He doesn't realise his part in this. You lost benefit top ups when he moved in.

You stay together. He wants to get on property ladder. Having cocklodged at your for (how long?) he's saved £15k. He uses this as his deposit to buy his house.
He lets you move in and charges you half his mortgage fee.

What else do you pay half of in his house? Water? Rates? Energy? Does he make you pay more than half because you have DS?

Why aren't you paying him £300 like he did when he cocklodged with you?

You don't know how much he earns. Or what he has in savings.

He eats much fancier food than you used to because he is spending to HIS budget. Now you are too but you don't earn it. But you love him so you do it. And in return he belittles you again with an eye roll or a tsk every time you cringe to tell him you've run out of money. And he gets to pat you on the head and rescue you over and over and over and over.

He isn't loving to DS.

If you want another baby, have your baby. But leave him first.

How did your chat go last night @Cakles2010 - have you managed to come to a better arrangement?

@Merryoldgoat thank you for asking merry x we had a chat last night and again today, he's really upset as if he's never known I felt like this? I admit I should have spoke up and said something before. I've said I need/want to start saving some Money come January therefore I'm transferring an amount for bills/mortgage & food then he manages it all...he's happy with this so will guess I see how it goes in January. I still feel unsure...maybe it's to do with what else is going on at the moment xx

Aye, upset was he?
How much are you now paying per month? More of less than the £300 he was paying you? 🤔

Well done, for speaking to him, but please do make sure what you’ve now agreed is actually fair.

@Cocomarine thanks coco I'm paying more tha. The £300, I didn't mention this to him but think I may bring it back up although I made a rod for my own back with that one as I stupidly plucked a figure out of thin air and then only asked for more when I was at breaking point with bills...this wasn't long before we moved out into current house..I'm still unsure how I feel my mums now worried because I've brought it up to her. We had an argument tonight about something completely irrelevant and I just feel that things are spiralling at the moment and he has a sense that I've "checked out" as he keeps saying I know somethings wrong.

I have the option of going to my mums and doing a 50 minute commute to dc school and then extra 20 to work daily whilst saving for a couple of months or actually seeing how the situation pans out once we have wrote down finances and share equally...I'm really not sure what I want which makes it all even worse

Oh he was upset was he.🙄

Funny how mean people are surprised or didn't realise when they somehow come out better off.

For years he lived off you with a ridiculous £300 contribution and now in a similar situation he is bleeding you dry.

He's so upset is he??🙄..more likely he's pissed that finally you have spoken.

Good men don't screw their partners having lived off them for months.

He is leaving you penniless while you spend your money on feeding him.

Sorry OP, but give your head a wobble.

No wonder your mother is worried.
He's not a good man.

If you are pregnant you would be mad to go ahead with it.

Think of your son.
Please.

I'll be honest it does sound fair. I wouldn't want to be paying more because your bad with money - I'd resent that.

@picklemewalnuts

I asked a lot of questions trying to understand the dynamic. After some thought I've decided...

He's a disrespectful tightwad. He got you into debt and tells you you're rubbish with money. He lets you empty your bank account feeding him. His presents to your son are from him. The presents you buy are from both of you.

Does your friend, who said he's like a housemate rather than family, does she like him? Or is she pointing out concerns that you are ignoring?

Does your son like him?

Is he nice, fair, tolerant of your son?

Did he get her into debt though if she's rubbish with money and buys things she doesn't need?

Why are you saying you bought a house with your DP (other thread). You didnt. He bought a house. You contribute to the mortgage.

As a comparison, I plan on buying a house without DP but we will live together. I plan on asking him for zero contribution as it will be my house and my mortgage and I will benefit from it. We will split bills and food 50 50 however.

@SunshineCake
Sadly you've had a child with a sexist pig.He doesn't pay for his child. Don't have anymore with him and start saving. It has to start sometime

Whilst I understand the sentiment- I am not sure it is correct that someone can have a child and because of his awful attitude can then walk away from his responsibilities. That seems to be rewarding his behaviour.