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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share money?

200 replies

Cakles2010 · 11/12/2020 11:51

I've live with DP and have one dc. We bought our own house this year (he fronted the deposit as I've never been able to save as a single parent) he earns about £15k more a year than me. We split the bills equally and I basically buy food shopping until I'm out of money which is usually not long after payday then he picks up the rest.

DP pays for any holidays and meals out (not frequent at the minute). He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint but I feel utterly fed up that I get to a point in the month I have 0 in bank account and feel I have to rely on DP. I also feel that I have to "borrow" money which I then pay him back for daily things.

So is this normal? We are not married (yet) I don't know if it's common to share money at this stage, I've been in two relationships and DS dad never worked and I was the one with money.

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 11/12/2020 14:14

I have 2 dc and when I lived on my own my food bill would be approx £50 a week. When my now, dh moved in, it's approx £120 a week.

So op I think you are more than justified to tell him he pays for a bigger % of the monthly food shop if he's eating more. Or, you split it 50/50 but that includes your dc food (inc packed lunches) and take aways.

Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 14:14

@GeorgesMummy1

I am in the same postion, it seems 'our money' is held in a bank account I have no accsess to?

Is this normal?

NO! It’s not fucking normal!
Original poster
Cakles2010 · 11/12/2020 14:16

@picklemewalnuts

I think my friend knows ultimately I'm not happy.

He doesn't have kids so has taken him time to learn what's normal with child behaviour, ds certainly doesn't look at him as his dad though

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 11/12/2020 14:16

I don't think people are reading your posts correctly.
He's clearly being unreasonable.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 11/12/2020 14:16

Are you on the house deeds and the mortgage?

Justforphoto · 11/12/2020 14:17

It would be fair to pay in proportion but if you are going to do that then you need to include all costs so add up things like holidays and meals out and include those too. If you include those figures would you be paying less or more than you are now?

Candyfloss99 · 11/12/2020 14:17

But how do you not comprehend you should be paying the bills for 2 people and him only one even though you split everything half and half?

Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 14:20

@Candyfloss99

But how do you not comprehend you should be paying the bills for 2 people and him only one even though you split everything half and half?
Sorry - this is nonsense.

A child does not generate the same bills etc as an adult. Child or no child the bills would be the same.

Sure, maybe a bit more food and obviously the childcare but saying the OP should pay 2/3 of the bills because of her child is ridiculous.

flaviaritt · 11/12/2020 14:21

Merryoldgoat

It’s ridiculous anyway. If he sees a child as a liability, he shouldn’t have moved in with one. This isn’t a family, it’s a house share.

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/12/2020 14:23

You live together and have a house together. It shouldn't be "his" and "mine" but "ours".

He perhaps "shouldn't" have to support a child that isn't biologically his but since he chose to set up home and relationship with a women who already has a child, it doesn't sit well with me that he won't contribute to the child's expenditure when that child lives with him.

What happens if you have children together? Is he going to buy expensive Christmas presents for his own child(ren) and your child gets a token because you can't afford it and your child's bio dad is useless? How miserable.

You are a family who live together not lodgers in a house share.

You need to sit with him and tell him how shit it is that you are skint each month whereas he has loads of money. If he doesn't change, he's not the one for you.

BuggerationFlavouredCrisps · 11/12/2020 14:24

In a caring and supportive relationship, I think it’s completely irrelevant who earns more. You both put all your money into the pot, pay the bills, allocate savings and equal spends. I certainly wouldn’t divvy it out into percentages according to earnings. That’s just weird.

Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 14:24

@flaviaritt

Merryoldgoat

It’s ridiculous anyway. If he sees a child as a liability, he shouldn’t have moved in with one. This isn’t a family, it’s a house share.

I agree.

I’m married but growing up in a house with half siblings and a whole lot of shit and resentment I would never create a scenario like this.

I wish all women knew what they were worth.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 11/12/2020 14:31

A nine year old child does not cost the same to feed as a grown man who eats like a fucking pig (to quote OP), so sod that she should pay 2/3's of the food bill bollocks. Oh and, just assuming here, I don't see the nine year old drinking much of the booze OP says is part of the food bill.

You have posted about the £300 before, the him taking long luxurious hot showers etc. at your expense, eating you out of house and home while paying next to nothing (£300), I think.
If yes, wasn't he also renting out his own property for more than the £300 he was paying you and earning a fuck tonne more money too.
I recall you being overwhelmingly told to make the cocklodging bastard pay more or kick him the fuck out. Apologies if I have you mixed up with someone else with a similar tale of male piss taking.

Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 14:34

OP - I’m not being a douche but I just Advanced Searched your posting history.

Come on. What are you doing? Your pregnant, he doesn’t want kids and you’ve already got a child he doesn’t seem to want.

You’re flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
Cakles2010 · 11/12/2020 14:35

@Merryoldgoat he doesn't want children and if he did I wouldn't be bringing a child into this situation I could already foresee the damage it would do to ds as I know he would favour his own over him so that's an absolute no go

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 11/12/2020 14:35

[quote Cakles2010]@CherrytreeView thank you I totally agree and I have always said this he worked hard to save that money so it's his. Never thought about a percentage maybe I'll bring this up after Xmas [/quote]
Did he work hard to save the deposit money? Really?

Or did he have excess money to save with no effort at all because he was paying £300 a month all in, at your expense? Whilst you were getting into debt.

Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 14:35

@ChocolateCherrybomb

A nine year old child does not cost the same to feed as a grown man who eats like a fucking pig (to quote OP), so sod that she should pay 2/3's of the food bill bollocks. Oh and, just assuming here, I don't see the nine year old drinking much of the booze OP says is part of the food bill.

You have posted about the £300 before, the him taking long luxurious hot showers etc. at your expense, eating you out of house and home while paying next to nothing (£300), I think.
If yes, wasn't he also renting out his own property for more than the £300 he was paying you and earning a fuck tonne more money too.
I recall you being overwhelmingly told to make the cocklodging bastard pay more or kick him the fuck out. Apologies if I have you mixed up with someone else with a similar tale of male piss taking.

I remember that thread and suspect you are correct.
Backbee · 11/12/2020 14:36

he doesn't want children

That's all you need to know really OP

Original poster
Cakles2010 · 11/12/2020 14:36

@Merryoldgoat

OP - I’m not being a douche but I just Advanced Searched your posting history.

Come on. What are you doing? Your pregnant, he doesn’t want kids and you’ve already got a child he doesn’t seem to want.

You’re flogging a dead horse.

This is why I said I won't be going through with it maybe it's the shitty situation I'm in currently that has angered me and I've came to my senses somewhat
OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 14:37

[quote Cakles2010]@Merryoldgoat he doesn't want children and if he did I wouldn't be bringing a child into this situation I could already foresee the damage it would do to ds as I know he would favour his own over him so that's an absolute no go [/quote]
So you’re not pregnant?

Original poster
Cakles2010 · 11/12/2020 14:37

@Cocomarine well I've never thought of it like that...suppose I've been extremely naive. He did have a lot in savings before living with me though

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 14:37

Sorry, cross posted.

OP. Value yourself more - you’re worth better than this.

Brieminewine · 11/12/2020 14:38

I wanted to see if aibu to be bothered by having an equal split with such a big salary difference

I think his salary is irrelevant. As long as all the household bills and living expenses eg food shop is split equally then it is fair. The remaining money each partner has is for their own personal bills and leisure.

Just because he earns more than you he shouldn’t be expected to give you open access to his money, especially when he already pays for holidays and nights out.

Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 14:40

Do you own part of the house OP? Several
People have asked but I can’t see if you’ve answered...

flaviaritt · 11/12/2020 14:41

As long as all the household bills and living expenses eg food shop is split equally then it is fair. The remaining money each partner has is for their own personal bills and leisure.

So what is the point, exactly, in living together as a family?

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