To not share money?

[Cakles2010]

I've live with DP and have one dc. We bought our own house this year (he fronted the deposit as I've never been able to save as a single parent) he earns about £15k more a year than me. We split the bills equally and I basically buy food shopping until I'm out of money which is usually not long after payday then he picks up the rest.

DP pays for any holidays and meals out (not frequent at the minute). He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint but I feel utterly fed up that I get to a point in the month I have 0 in bank account and feel I have to rely on DP. I also feel that I have to "borrow" money which I then pay him back for daily things.

So is this normal? We are not married (yet) I don't know if it's common to share money at this stage, I've been in two relationships and DS dad never worked and I was the one with money.

• You should be paying for yours and your childs food, water, gas, electricity usage. And internet, tv, council tax, tv licence, insurance, etc relative to your incomes.

It's not his child. You're not married. He shouldn't be subsidising you.*

He should be happy to have an equitable financial arrangement with the woman he is going to marry. If he’s trying to split the internet bill 66.6/33.3, he’s not a keeper.

But anyone who marries someone like this... well, it’s their own doing, isn’t it?

Money is such a difficult subject (especially when only one partner has a child).

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where money wasn't shared completely. To me, shared finances are part of being a family. But other people prefer to keep their finances completely separate.

There's no right or wrong here (especially as your child isn't your partner's financial responsibility), but you do need to consider whether this arrangement works for you.

Unfortunately, if you can't reach a compromise you're both happy with, the relationship might not work long term.

It works differently for different people. I met DH when I was very young and he already owned a home and business so he was much more well off. At the time I was a student and he gave me an 'allowance' to help with my bus fare etc. This wasn't a way of controlling me, I didn't need the money but he wanted to help anyway. When we moved in together and got engaged we had a joint account where both incomes went in. Mine was only enough to pay for food shopping and he paid all bills and everything else e.g. holidays, gifts, car payments. This wouldn't work for many couples because we had a huge gap in income, but it was never an issue for us. Now we work and live together with 4 kids so all money goes in one account and bills go straight out and we just use whatever's left.

You and your dp may benefit from having a joint account where there's enough in there for you to buy food (work out how much he 'tops up' with every month when you run out of money.) Your entire income will go in there and his top up will too. That way you have money for food and your DC without having to ask him for money. This also means he doesn't have to contribute to your DC as he chooses not to.

The thing is if you were living alone with DS you might be entitled to some UC as well as food bills being lower even if other bills were higher. Do you feel worse off since living with DP? If so it's worth discussing.

Yes some months higher/lower but that's factoring in everything so any alcohol, toiletries, that's including ds school lunches too which I pay for myself and wouldn't be expecting him to.

Maybe the issue here is our budgeting I don't think we are shopping savvy

Tbh it sounds like he contributes a lot to the raising of your child. You admit yourself that part of the reason you have no money at the end of the month is because you are not great with it and don't save etc.

Does your child's father contribute?

I think bills should be split slightly more by proportion, but I don't necessarily think that shared money is totally necessary when you don't have shared children.

Is it likely that you will be able to earn more in the future? Are you thinking of having children together?

He obviously prefers to keep his finances separate from yours. You pay your way and he pays his. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. If you were married it would be different, but you’re not.

So if you spend £300 every couple of weeks and he takes over that spend after roughly 1-2 weeks of the month, that does sound even to me, perhaps slightly more in your favour as many months have 4.5 weeks.

So the main issue is the one of him earning so much more but not sharing his income to cover your child’s expenses.

There’s no right or wrong answer. I wouldn’t marry under those circumstances. For me, marriage is about love, and what is mine becomes yours and vice versa.

@IndecentFeminist unfortunately not..ds barely sees him.

I agree I do need to manage money better and after Xmas I've said to dp I'm going to start saving as I worry about having nothing to fall back on.

I wanted to see if aibu to be bothered by having an equal split with such a big salary difference

[quote Cakles2010]@picklemewalnuts thank you I've spoken to my best mate in confidence about this who says exactly the same that it's more a housemate relationship. Me and DS don't eat half as much if I'm honest. I'm not spending barely anything on food as pp have tried to suggest I spend roughly £250-£300 a month then him the rest. If I make meals I have to budget for recipes 4 + because he has huge portions. I don't see his bank balance (I wouldn't expect to btw) so I have no idea what his contribution is all I know is approx 1.5-2 weeks after I'm paid I'm left with no money [/quote]
And who buys groceries after you jave run out of money?

@Leaannb DP

@flaviaritt thank you I know in my heart your right And we need to come to some sort of agreement with money before we even considered getting married

I wouldn't expect the existence of a D.C. to mean all bills should be 2/3rds.
Internet, for example, is it a higher bill because of D.C.? In our house it is because our 2DCs want high quality internet for gaming etc.
Many people, the existence of a D.C. wouldn't push up the internet bill, or the heating.

But it isn’t actually an equal split in his favour really as he is subsidising a home for your dc, paying for holidays and meals out and paying partly towards the food bill. On £15k a year how much money would you have left over if it were just you and your ds? Would you live in the sort house you are in now? Would you be able to afford holidays and meals out?
If you are worse off now than when you are single then this should have been thought through before living together surely?

You both need to sit down and get this sorted. Spreadsheet of all outgoings etc etc.

You have to have some way of keeping yourself and your DS futureproofed if this relationship ends. No matter how small a savings pot you can muster.

If your DP pobjects to doing this, doesn't see why it is a problem for you then you have a bigger issue to think about!

Best of luck with it!

Leean running out of money doesn't mean running out of food. OP could be buying enough food to get to the end of week 3, then DP takes over for the last week and a half.

Do you feel 'richer' with him or without him, OP?
If you moved out and got top ups, but weren't paying for him, would you be better off?

He's building up savings and value in the house, you are not.
Is he pulling his weight with house work and house maintenance?

But on MN mine is an unusual opinion, OP. Bear that in mind. This site is frequented by a large number of people who’d be counting the cheese slices to make sure ‘someone else’s child’ hadn’t taken more than their fair share.

Also if you are putting your presents as being from both of you, then you need to stop. They aren't from both of you.

I agree with others that you do need to look at your long term financial security. You’re not married and you have a dc from a previous relationship.

[quote Cakles2010]@picklemewalnuts thank you I've spoken to my best mate in confidence about this who says exactly the same that it's more a housemate relationship. Me and DS don't eat half as much if I'm honest. I'm not spending barely anything on food as pp have tried to suggest I spend roughly £250-£300 a month then him the rest. If I make meals I have to budget for recipes 4 + because he has huge portions. I don't see his bank balance (I wouldn't expect to btw) so I have no idea what his contribution is all I know is approx 1.5-2 weeks after I'm paid I'm left with no money [/quote]
But you're contradicting yourself loads

1. you but did but your money runs out near to pay day, so when do you have the time to spend £300?!?! That would pay for 3 weeks of food at least for me, OH and two children. Maybe relook at what you're cooking, there are ways to cut down costs (reduce meat, reduce alcohol, go own brand)

2. he doesn't contribute to birthdays... Except he does buy him some gifts you say 🤨

3. yes meals out aren't a treat for your 9yr old, but it is a treat for you as otherwise you both wouldn't be able to go. So yes that does count as him treating you.

How long have you been together? To me, it sounds like you want it to be like a marriage/long term relationship whereas he's more treating it as a newer relationship. If you've been together less than 2 years then I think the approach at the moment is fine.

Can you find a way to earn more?

The solution is getting you food bill under control. £100 a week is a very generous budget for 3 people, so £400 a month, contribute 50/50 if your dp eats as you describe. For ideas on meals I suggest Jack Monroe (free website) to save money and get it down to £75/week.

I also suggest you set up a savings account and transfer £50-100 on pay day. Make a strict budget for clothes etc and set aside specific amounts for birthdays and Christmas

And before you bought a house together, he was giving you £300 all in to cover food and bills and rent.

And 300 doesn't cover food now.

I don't think he's been hard done by.

At all.

You managed to cover your expenses before he turned up, yes?

I think 5 years and a house together and plans to marry shows lots of commitment and should mean that the costs for that one child should therefore be split between both.

With dp’s much higher income, you should both be contributing towards the family costs a percentage of your income. It shouldn’t be 50/50 unless you were on equal salaries.

Then with your surplus cash after bills op, you really do need to learn how to budget and have a savings back up so that you’re not reliant on your dp. I would never want to pool finances with someone who says themselves that they’re bad with money.

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint

Sounds like you do need a joint account with an agreed amount transferred every month

but frankly sounds also like he really needs to keep the rest of his own finance separate.

Honestly, DH and I only have family money, BUT we have the same general view over things. If he was spending too much and expecting (or relying) on me to bail him out, it would not work.

My dad and stepmum have always gone halves on Christmas/birthday presents to all of us my dad has 2kids and my stepmum has 3 (even now they've been divorced for years) same for grandchildren.