To not share money?

[Cakles2010]

I've live with DP and have one dc. We bought our own house this year (he fronted the deposit as I've never been able to save as a single parent) he earns about £15k more a year than me. We split the bills equally and I basically buy food shopping until I'm out of money which is usually not long after payday then he picks up the rest.

DP pays for any holidays and meals out (not frequent at the minute). He doesn't pay for anything for DC that includes Xmas, any activities, birthday and childcare (we don't pay this currently as I now collect from school due to wfh)

I have to add I am crap with money I don't save, I occasionally buy things I don't need and seem to be constantly skint but I feel utterly fed up that I get to a point in the month I have 0 in bank account and feel I have to rely on DP. I also feel that I have to "borrow" money which I then pay him back for daily things.

So is this normal? We are not married (yet) I don't know if it's common to share money at this stage, I've been in two relationships and DS dad never worked and I was the one with money.

So what is the point, exactly, in living together as a family?

Precisely.

Definitely pay mortgage and bills in % of your income. This includes the food shop, toiletries, etc - and if he brings up your DS, you can say that the food for you + your DS is not more than the food for him alone.

This needs to go to a joint account so it is clear that this is shared money to run the household.

Then your DS. Honestly, with what you are saying, keep paying yourself for things such as childcare, uniforms, clothes etc. With presents, just buy from yourself and he can buy from himself if he wants to.
Then with what is left

Also, I have known so many blended family situations and have never seen anything like this "pay every single penny and more for your own damn kid and don't expect me to even treat it as human" shit, that is touted as the expected and correct attitude for male step parents to take on this web forum.

Do all the world's perfect finance fairness split penny pinching bastards congregate on here or something.
Never heard bugger all like it in the real world.

@Merryoldgoat unfortunately not we discussed me going on the deeds at some point but then COVID hit so never looked into it

Oh dear god, @Cakles2010

Ignore my first post! You need to seriously think this through for yourself! What is going to be best for you and your DS in the longer term?

Instead of planning for Christmas, evening out the bill payments etc seriously plan your leaving, getting back some real control in your life.

You are never going to be able to buy him out of the house, so leave and make him buy you out, or sell it... you are on the mortgage, deeds etc aren't you? Mind you, even if not, cut and run is probably going to be your best bet anyway, gviven how long you've had the house. Just get your name off any of the paperwork!

As they so often say here, get your ducks in a row, pack up your paperowrk and leave.

Do all the world's perfect finance fairness split penny pinching bastards congregate on here or something.

😂

I think they do.

@flaviaritt

As long as all the household bills and living expenses eg food shop is split equally then it is fair. The remaining money each partner has is for their own personal bills and leisure.

So what is the point, exactly, in living together as a family?

I don’t want to derail here, but my husband and my decision to live together as a family had nothing to do with financial benefits for either of us (he gains massively, I lose a bit) and everything to do with wanting to spend a lot of time together.

There isn’t a simple answer for the OP, one way that finances OUGHT to be split. There are many different ways - and what one couple is genuinely happy is and feels fair, isn’t at all fair to another couple. That’s why people like the OP sometimes don’t see they’re in an unfair situation.

I can’t get over why you let him send you into debt, paying £300 a month.

unfortunately not we discussed me going on the deeds at some point but then COVID hit so never looked into it

He’s stitched you up like a kipper, you mean.

[quote Cakles2010]@Merryoldgoat unfortunately not we discussed me going on the deeds at some point but then COVID hit so never looked into it [/quote]
🤦‍♀️

Why am I not surprised?

I don’t want to derail here, but my husband and my decision to live together as a family had nothing to do with financial benefits for either of us (he gains massively, I lose a bit) and everything to do with wanting to spend a lot of time together.

Spending time together doesn’t make a family. I spend time with my friends. I spend time with my colleagues. Being a family is about being a unit, sharing good and bad. If the OP passed away (sorry, OP) she has admitted her son would have to go to a relative. So who the hell is she living with? Some random, is the answer to that one.

[quote Cakles2010]@Merryoldgoat unfortunately not we discussed me going on the deeds at some point but then COVID hit so never looked into it [/quote]
So HE bought a house. That you live in. And you are now entitled to nothing.

He’s done a right number on you.

Make no mistake he knew what he was doing.

@CuriousaboutSamphire I've mulled over this all week and finally just told my mum I'm worried I've messed up...I'm sick of relying on people though my mum lives an hour away so not an option to uproot ds he loves his school etc. I need to save some money to get myself sorted but I'm worried I'm never going to be able to with the situation I'm in

@flaviaritt

As long as all the household bills and living expenses eg food shop is split equally then it is fair. The remaining money each partner has is for their own personal bills and leisure.

So what is the point, exactly, in living together as a family?

Well according to mumsnet that’s now lots of families chose to live! Indeed myself and DH did in the early days, but now it’s all pooled in one joint account. Different horses for courses I suppose.

You need a proper plan.

Can you afford rent on a 2 bed place alone?

You need to fix the shit you’re in now and make things better short term.

Then you need to save a deposit.

Then leave.

Write down the steps and how long it will take.

You now know what he really is so it should be easy to confront him about all the stuff given you’ve got nothing to lose.

That's so hard, @Cakles2010.

Maybe you are just going to have to uproot DS... he'll adapt. Don't let that keep you in the situation you are in, that would be far worse!

If your mum can/will have you just go! Gather yourself together for a few months, finish your CIPD and then set yourself at your new future!

Well according to mumsnet that’s now lots of families chose to live! Indeed myself and DH did in the early days, but now it’s all pooled in one joint account. Different horses for courses I suppose.

This particular way of doing things isn’t ‘horses for courses’, though, is it? The OP has moved her DS in with a man who doesn’t see him as his responsibility. That’s a problem. She doesn’t have any rights to their home. That’s a problem. There are red flags all over it.

[quote Cakles2010]@CuriousaboutSamphire I've mulled over this all week and finally just told my mum I'm worried I've messed up...I'm sick of relying on people though my mum lives an hour away so not an option to uproot ds he loves his school etc. I need to save some money to get myself sorted but I'm worried I'm never going to be able to with the situation I'm in [/quote]
What does, “get myself sorted” mean?
Are you going to leave him?

Can I make a suggestion, if so? Just keep it nice and light - and say, this bills split isn’t working for me at all honey, I keep running out of money, so until I’ve got that sorted and some savings built up, in just going to do a £300 payment. As I’m living in your house, that’s what it was when you were living in mine, so I guess that’s about right.”

He can’t force you to give him any more money.
The bank won’t come after you - it’s not your house.

What’s the worst he can do? Throw you out? Great - at this stage, presenting as homeless is probably your best option for housing help.

this bills split isn’t working for me at all honey, I keep running out of money, so until I’ve got that sorted and some savings built up, in just going to do a £300 payment. As I’m living in your house, that’s what it was when you were living in mine, so I guess that’s about right.”

Hell yes.

I'm struggling to make sense of some of this. You are spending £150 a week on food for 3? That's perhaps a part of the issue? I don't know how much 15k represents and how much he spends on hols and meals out and it's hard to judge this without knowing it. Also what do you mean when you say you buy things you don't need? A magazine is very different from a £200 handbag and if it's the latter then I don't think your OH should feel obliged to sub that. But if your household income is OK then you should be able to buy a mag once or twice a month.

@CuriousaboutSamphire I know you are right thank you I just feel so worried about it all and leaving with absolutely nothing. With my sons dad it was a given as he had become abusive My son was at risk so I had to go.

I feel very very stupid and that I've given my life to men that don't value me, I'm now 32 with a missed opportunity of giving my ds a proper family and potentially a sibling.

I keep thinking if I talk to him maybe he'll change but of course we all know
People don't...

@Cocomarine this made me lol, I hadn't thought like that...maybe I need to be very frank with him about the fact I could turn around and go and he has the house to pay on his own

@flaviaritt

Well according to mumsnet that’s now lots of families chose to live! Indeed myself and DH did in the early days, but now it’s all pooled in one joint account. Different horses for courses I suppose.

This particular way of doing things isn’t ‘horses for courses’, though, is it? The OP has moved her DS in with a man who doesn’t see him as his responsibility. That’s a problem. She doesn’t have any rights to their home. That’s a problem. There are red flags all over it.

Well it is, some couples decide to share and some couples decide to split. It’s a conversation the OP should have had with her partner before moving in with him but given his attitude towards her son she should have never moved in with him in the first place IMO!

Of course you should, OP! He’s taken on a mortgage of how much? And he’s relying on you to pay half of it, but not to have any rights to the house you and your child live in. Tell him to get lost!

@Cakles2010 you really should adjust your thinking.

My daughter has lived with:

• her mum and dad together
• her mum and dad separately
• her mum and dad separately with stepmother, stepfather, full time resident step sibling, entire not resident (adult)step sibling

Every single one of those situation has been a “proper family” - and that would be her words. “Family” is about respect and love. Widowed families are families. Service families deployed in Syria for months are families.

Your son has a mum that loves him.
You have a good job with flexibility and a career path.

Yeah, the current situation is a fuck up that needs to change 🙂 but sort that out - and you’re good. Not messed up at all.

He doesn’t need a stepdad, or a sibling - he just needs you.

I'm so sorry to hear all this. It's worse than I suspected. What an awful situation and what a horrible man.

However, you could walk away now and be no worse off, all you've lost is time.

Or, you can start getting your ducks lined up more efficiently. Stop paying for all the food, tell him it's his turn. Or split the food bill 50 50.

Double down on your spending, ask friend to help you monitor. Don't spend a penny that isn't essential. Buy cheap food and no booze. If he wants it he can get it.

You'll build up a cushion and be in a stronger position to leave. Thus is financial abuse. He'll probably not want to marry you until you are earning more. Sod that!